Struggling to forgive my SO's emotional cheating
November 12, 2013 2:00 PM   Subscribe

How can I forgive my SO (and myself) for emotionally cheating on each other?

Married for 3 years, been together for 10, and have known/enjoyed each other since we were 16/18, respectively (we are now in our early/mid 30s). He’s more extro, I’m more intro. He comes from a “don’t talk about it and it doesn’t exist” upbringing, my family’s shelves are stacked with self help books and AA/OA/CoDA books (we talk bluntly about anything and everything).

This summer was terrible for the both of us in some key ways that are good background, so here goes: work drove us both into deep states of depression (he has a job he hates and has hated for more than a decade, I own a business that hit its first slump this summer and doesn’t pay me as well as we’d like) and we acted accordingly: my wont is to get super introverted and game (a bad habit for me from depressive times past, and a huge red flag we both chose to ignore), his wont is to get super extroverted and drink a lot/gather people to him (red flag as well, which I discussed with him multiple times but was rebutted on). Over about a month and a half, we spent a lot of time apart, me in our house gaming or at work, he out late at bars, and while our sex life continued on relatively healthfully, we were not being affectionate to each other outside of the bedroom and daily conversation was in a deep lull, except for a handful of exhausted/half-hearted “are we ok?” conversations started by me late night right before bed that were met with resistance.

Cue an old long-distance crush from gaming times past for me, which kept me home even more. Enter a new pal for him, who saw his pain and gave him the attention he was craving. Neither one of us did anything more than have feelings for/skew priorities to these two people but it feels deep and meaningful, and despite my role in his needing to seek attention elsewhere (as I wasn’t providing any at home) and seeking, for myself, that same kind of attention, I find a shadow creeping up on me many days, a feeling that we’ve polluted something important, and that we’ll never truly be able to repair the damage. It’s making it difficult to invest as fully as I need to right now in rebuilding our marriage for the much, much better. Even on days when I fight hard for control, it’s hard to keep the shadow away and I swing from one extreme to the other – thankfulness that something happened (and that it wasn’t more drastic) to call us to action, and fear and desperate sadness that I didn’t yell loudly or fight harder when I knew we were in trouble and that he didn’t either.

It doesn’t help that in order for the cycle to end, I had to play crazy, untrusting wife and read his texts one morning. Not a role I’d ever like to play again. Also unhelpful – the nature of my indiscretion makes it 100% possible never to have to see/talk/think about that person ever again, but his is more complicated – it’s an inevitability, thank you tiny/tightly knit town, that I/we will have to interact with this woman at some point in the near future, and the fact that he didn’t care at all about that (probably didn’t even consider it) hurts pretty deeply. I refuse to become the type of person that second guesses his every facebook friend, that checks his phone and browsing history, that cocks a head at a long hug with another woman. Part of why I love him so much is how much love he has to give. But I don’t know how to get there.

This, despite starting to see a therapist together. This, despite loving this man more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. And this, despite acknowledging deep down that monogamy is not the most human of states.

So I guess my question goes thusly; does time truly heal these kinds of wounds, or do I need to actively work at it? What are some mental practices that have worked for you to forgive something difficult to forget? Can he (as he desperately promises me) learn from this summer’s mistakes and become better at facing pain/talking more deeply about troubling topics so that we don’t repeat this cycle ever, ever again?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Several things.

1. What about your emotional cheating? You foregrounded his "cheating" but put your own in parentheses! I would think you'd worry more about your husband forgiving you for your indiscretion than forgiving yourself for it. Isn't he more upset than you, or at least equally upset about that? The way you've phrased it makes it seem like maybe he's not that upset, or that he doesn't know. Either of those would indicate a more complex set of issues to be resolved, but I can't tell from your question if either is the case.

2. Time can heal these wounds in the same way it does scars: you have to treat and dress the actual wound first, and then time will make the scar fade away. So, yes, you absolutely need to actively work at it, because these indiscretions didn't come out of nowhere, and you won't feel any better about what happened if you don't address the issues that made you both seek intimate emotional satisfaction outside the relationship.

3. Honestly, having read your question, I wonder if you either A) want out of this relationship on some level or B) feel frustrated at having to deal with the issues that made you guys both seek this sort of thing out. To me, and of course I must mention that I'm merely one person who is not objective, your tone is fatalistic, resigned, almost exhausted. I can understand why'd you be feeling kinda crappy about your relationship right now, certainly. But do you really want this to work, and do you also think that it can work?

4. We do not know, cannot know, the answers to questions like Can he (as he desperately promises me) learn from this summer’s mistakes and become better at facing pain/talking more deeply about troubling topics so that we don’t repeat this cycle ever, ever again? Nothing but time can answer it. But why doesn't your ultimate question contain any requests for advice about how you can deal with the issues that made you seek out an old crush? And why do you phrase events and feelings in such strangely passive terms as these:

Cue an old long-distance crush from gaming times past for me, which kept me home even more.

Enter a new pal for him, who saw his pain and gave him the attention he was craving.

I find a shadow creeping up on me many days

And this, despite acknowledging deep down that monogamy is not the most human of states.

Relationships don't just happen like that. You both sought them out. And whatever that shadow feeling is, you should probably try to identify its associated thoughts and thought patterns in more precise terms for yourself. And what does the monogamy thing have to do with any of this? Is that a way for you to let yourself or both of you off the hook?

5. There's a lot going on here. Your own description of the situation raises a lot of questions and implies a lot which makes your account seem incomplete, though of course relationships and people are complex in a way that makes exhaustive accounts difficult. Going to therapy will help you guys get back on track, if you both want to be on track. But it won't help if you're not honest with yourself about your own feelings and motivations, and what you've written here makes me wonder if you are or not.
posted by clockzero at 3:10 PM on November 12, 2013 [4 favorites]


I had to play crazy, untrusting wife and read his texts one morning. Not a role I’d ever like to play again.

It sounds like you're valorizing this behavior - like you're really the hero in this story for snooping -- but did you really have to do it that way? It's kind of a shitty way to describe it. And it doesn't jibe with:

I refuse to become the type of person that second guesses his every facebook friend, that checks his phone and browsing history, that cocks a head at a long hug with another woman.

Too late.

There's something about the way you've phrased this question that is "removed". I mean, you say you played a role in his seeking attention elsewhere, but it sounds like that's just a check box of phrases one is supposed to use in this kind of situation and like it might serve to distance you, ironically, from taking responsibility for hurting his feelings. I imagine you saying "well, I admitted I had a role in it, so we don't need to go over that again." Have you listened to his hurt feelings? Have you gotten to a tender raw place in this -- his tender raw place and yours? That scan be incredibly cathartic for a couple. Or have you been reacting to it from a place of anxiety, working at managing it and intellectualizing next steps?

Does he know about your dalliance? His doesn't sound any more egregious than yours, given that you're going to continue to run into the extra guy. Okay, it sucks that you'll run into her -- but really? You're complaining that he didn't take your feelings into account in choosing her? Did you really strategize choosing your extra guy based on how it would hurt his feelings?


Listen -- what do you want? What is the story you want to tell about this time in your relationship? For example, "boy -- we really came out of that period of our relationship a much more loving couple. I hate that we did that to each other, but I love him, and I know it now, and I nurture it every day."

And then do it. Be more loving. Give him attention. Even when you're depressed. Go do something fun together that let's you laugh a little.

This woman you're going to run into? What's the best possible scenario -- how can you feel better about running into her? For me, it would be some inner conversation with her like "you offered him something I was withholding. I should thank you for shocking me back to my senses. I'm not going to! But also -- we're making it work, and I'm happy about that, and I want you to know that.he and I are making it work." I wouldn't actually say that, but I'd say it in my head. And if that's what I want the story to be, then I'd have to make sure we really are happy, and we really are working on it.

Your fear that the two of you have irrevocably broken your relationship is an escapist fantasy that you're indulging. It's another way of saying "I don't want to work on this relationship." It's not a shadow taking you over -- you're indulging it, inviting it in.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:11 PM on November 12, 2013 [10 favorites]


I could be completely wrong but something about this feels like you're projecting and trying to make his cheating worse in your head than yours. "Neither one of us did anything more than have feelings for/skew priorities to these two people but it feels deep and meaningful" - why? "a feeling that we’ve polluted something important, and that we’ll never truly be able to repair the damage" - why?

And there is no agency at all in any of this - "an old long-distance crush from gaming times" just appeared, as did "a new pal for him." "I had to play crazy, untrusting wife" - no, you didn't. It sounds like you knew that you were falling into a negative pattern so next time, you need to say, hey, we need to spend more time together, let's do something fun this weekend or whatever.

Also, I feel like your question has this weird undertone suggesting that you're more self-aware than your husband ("a handful of exhausted/half-hearted “are we ok?” conversations started by me late night right before bed that were met with resistance," "my family’s shelves are stacked with self help books and AA/OA/CoDA books" - what does the fact that your family is into self-help books have to do with anything?!)

Again, I could be totally, totally wrong here but it almost sounds like you're trying to justify not putting in the time it would take to help your relationship recover. Relationships take work. All relationships - not just husband/wife but your relationships with your parents, siblings, friends, etc. I can't tell you whether it would be worth it to invest emotionally in this relationship but it sounds like you already are emotionally invested in it and splitting up seems more emotionally fraught. My two cents.
posted by kat518 at 3:43 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


It probably won't get any better for a good long while. You'll have to flag your crap thoughts, remind yourself who you have decided to become and what you want this relationship to be based on. That takes consistent work that you have to want to do, then put effort into actually doing.

Sometimes things happen to relationships that make them just plain suck to be in. Sometimes you go for months wondering why it's even worth it to stay in it. If you believe the relationship is worth it, believe in it, remind yourself every minute what's good and let time do it's thang. The pain will never fully go away, but it does ease up.
posted by Annika Cicada at 3:58 PM on November 12, 2013


I don't believe that forgiveness is something you can make yourself do. It happens or it doesn't. I believe you can only decide whether or not you are going to allow certain thoughts to go round and round in your head. If you keep thinking about the day you found the texts etc, the emotions will continue to build.

It takes only one person to destroy a relationship, but it takes two to make it work. So it doesn't matter how much someone wants to make their partnership work- if the other party isn't willing to put in the effort. If it seems like your husband doesn't want to bother improving the relationship then that is a sign that he will most likely be looking elsewhere for his emotional needs. However you say you're both in therapy so I can only assume that he is putting as much care and energy into this relationship as you are. Whether or not that's a good thing depends on how much care and energy you are putting in.
posted by manderin at 4:10 PM on November 12, 2013


It is not clear to me that you really want to save this marriage. Like others, I perceive an odd tone to your post.

Marriages recover from worse than this, sometimes much worse. If you both want it and are both willing to work at it, I think your odds are good.

You do have to work at it. You guys should be spending more time together one on one. Doing things where you interact with each other is best, but sitting on the couch and watching a movie together is better than time apart. (Turn the heat down so you want to cuddle under a blanket.) If your sex life has stayed active, that is good, make sure it stays that way. Do make little gestures of affection like fixing him a surprise bowl of ice cream. Going for walks together can make conversation easier if talking feels stiff.

Talk it over with your husband and plan regular activities together. Thoughts and feelings follow actions. Spend more time together, even if it is awkward at first.
posted by mattu at 6:19 PM on November 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hmm... I'll just boil it right down here. Think about how you can meet your own needs (managing your depression, getting away from your gaming if that's an escape for you) and then once you've created that space think about what you can do to help make the relationship fulfilling for your partner. What does he need from you? Keep these items in the forefront of your mind.
posted by mermily at 7:15 PM on November 12, 2013


I'm not sure why, but I share the sense somebody talked about that your question feels "removed." I feel like you're providing a lot of reassurances that you know things about relationships that you think you're SUPPOSED to know (monogamy isn't natural! it's partly my fault! we're intro/extro!), but your actual feelings about it are buried under all those books you mention, which sound like they weigh very heavily on you even now.

Maybe therapy can help you reframe all this stuff without benefit of everything you've learned about how relationships work in theory and help you get back in touch with how this one is working for you in practice, because it really does have that strange sense that a certain remoteness is what's locking you up.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 7:21 PM on November 12, 2013 [4 favorites]


How can I forgive my SO (and myself) for emotionally cheating on each other?


Let go of your resentment? It's the first step towards knowing the real him and the real you. You've been together for so long, you've got echoes of each other in your heads. You're each working off of old scripts of yourselves and each other.

For example, this?
Married for 3 years, been together for 10, and have known/enjoyed each other since we were 16/18, respectively (we are now in our early/mid 30s). He’s more extro, I’m more intro. He comes from a “don’t talk about it and it doesn’t exist” upbringing, my family’s shelves are stacked with self help books and AA/OA/CoDA books (we talk bluntly about anything and everything).

is all who you were, not who you are. Right now, you're someone so wrapped up in self-justification that you are refusing to see how you were/are resistant to having the much-needed conversations y'all need/ed, and how you also emotionally cheated too, and that was an active choice. No one made you "play crazy, untrusting wife" -- you chose to be that person. Own that the person you were then is part of the person you are now, but that that does not have to define you.

I find a shadow creeping up on me many days, a feeling that we’ve polluted something important, and that we’ll never truly be able to repair the damage.
Any time you feel shadows creeping up on you, call a priest or a therapist, because it's never a good sign. You need to do this individually, because the arrogance you got going on in this post is bizarro world, and probably makes your couples counseling hella frustrating. Reading a book does not make you a pro at emotions, and using pretty words to articulate your POV doesn't make you more right than the other person.
posted by spunweb at 7:52 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


Does your SO know about your indiscretion?

If so, how might you answer the same questions you've asked about him, if asked about yourself? That might yield something useful.
posted by sm1tten at 9:30 PM on November 12, 2013


does time truly heal these kinds of wounds, or do I need to actively work at it?

HE needs to work at it. Does he even acknowledge that you were in danger, and want to fix it? Does it terrify him? Because one thing I didn't like was reading that you tried late night "are we okay" conversations that were met with resistance. I think you need to have his buy-in on fixing this with you.
posted by htid at 7:40 AM on November 13, 2013


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