Couple Dilema
November 10, 2013 5:41 PM Subscribe
How to respond to a self invite for a vacation?
My spouse and I have been longtime friends with couple 'A'. We have newly become friends with couple 'B' (also friends with couple 'A'). Couple 'B' expressed interest in going on a vacation and invited us to join them. We thought it would be a great idea! We're booked travel, accommodation, and begun planning the days.
I mentioned via email that we were going on this trip to one of Couple 'A'. The response expressed interest for coming along and asked for dates and logistics. We were kind of excited about spending focused time with couple 'B'. Our experience is that planning for three couples is way harder than for two, so ... we love couple A to pieces and are really good friends but we weren't extending an invitation for this trip. How to respond?
My spouse and I have been longtime friends with couple 'A'. We have newly become friends with couple 'B' (also friends with couple 'A'). Couple 'B' expressed interest in going on a vacation and invited us to join them. We thought it would be a great idea! We're booked travel, accommodation, and begun planning the days.
I mentioned via email that we were going on this trip to one of Couple 'A'. The response expressed interest for coming along and asked for dates and logistics. We were kind of excited about spending focused time with couple 'B'. Our experience is that planning for three couples is way harder than for two, so ... we love couple A to pieces and are really good friends but we weren't extending an invitation for this trip. How to respond?
"I'm sorry, but that won't be possible. Next time?"
posted by guster4lovers at 5:48 PM on November 10, 2013
posted by guster4lovers at 5:48 PM on November 10, 2013
As you were invited to join Couple B's vacation, I don't think it's your call whether Couple A gets to join or not. If it were me, I would call Couple B and let them know that Couple A expressed interest and let them decide.
posted by cecic at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2013 [30 favorites]
posted by cecic at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2013 [30 favorites]
To add to cecic's answer (which is great), I would contact Couple B, let them know Couple A expressed interest, and tell Couple B that you were kind of looking forward to getting to know them better just the four-of-you.
I tend to find that if you contact Party B telling them about Party A's request without also including your own preference, it can sound like you're advocating for Party A.
posted by jaguar at 6:05 PM on November 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
I tend to find that if you contact Party B telling them about Party A's request without also including your own preference, it can sound like you're advocating for Party A.
posted by jaguar at 6:05 PM on November 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
I think "that won't be possible" is too cold for a situation like this, with old friends you care about.
I agree that you should talk to Couple B - you wouldn't really be at liberty to invite Couple A along anyway.
This is a tricky situation, for sure. I understand wanting to spend time with Couple B one-on-one (or, um, two on two) but you may want to think about whether or not it's worth potentially hurting Couple A - of course, whether or not they will be hurt depends on them and how they respond to things like this. Some people are more sensitive than others, but do give it a bit of thought.
posted by lunasol at 6:09 PM on November 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
I agree that you should talk to Couple B - you wouldn't really be at liberty to invite Couple A along anyway.
This is a tricky situation, for sure. I understand wanting to spend time with Couple B one-on-one (or, um, two on two) but you may want to think about whether or not it's worth potentially hurting Couple A - of course, whether or not they will be hurt depends on them and how they respond to things like this. Some people are more sensitive than others, but do give it a bit of thought.
posted by lunasol at 6:09 PM on November 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Cecic + jaguar's approach + also indicate you're not advocating against Couple A either. "Couple A said they were interested. We were looking forward to some one on one time with you guys, and don't know about the logistics of six people, but of course we love Matt and Sal so that could be fun too. What do you think?"
posted by salvia at 6:21 PM on November 10, 2013 [19 favorites]
posted by salvia at 6:21 PM on November 10, 2013 [19 favorites]
I mentioned via email that we were going on this trip to one of Couple 'A'
Do you understand now why this was a mistake? It is considered a general point of etiquette not to mention social events to people who aren't invited.
I also agree with cecic and then jaguar's expansion. Since you were the invitee, it isn't up to you to decide who else might be invited. Let B know of A's expressed interest and try not to advocate for or against their joining. Frankly, I think that will be very hard to do and B will pick up that you'd rather that A not join.
posted by Tanizaki at 6:52 PM on November 10, 2013 [19 favorites]
Do you understand now why this was a mistake? It is considered a general point of etiquette not to mention social events to people who aren't invited.
I also agree with cecic and then jaguar's expansion. Since you were the invitee, it isn't up to you to decide who else might be invited. Let B know of A's expressed interest and try not to advocate for or against their joining. Frankly, I think that will be very hard to do and B will pick up that you'd rather that A not join.
posted by Tanizaki at 6:52 PM on November 10, 2013 [19 favorites]
Wouldn’t it be best to express to couple A that you are the invited guests of couple B and leave it at that? I agree that it’s not only not up to you to decide, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to invite others either and I can’t think of a way that you present this without appearing to be inviting them or indicating that you don’t want them to come.
You’re letting yourself be put in the middle of something you don’t want to be in.
posted by bongo_x at 7:44 PM on November 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
You’re letting yourself be put in the middle of something you don’t want to be in.
posted by bongo_x at 7:44 PM on November 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think if you and couple A are really good friends, then something like what xingcat said, and your friends should understand and have it not damage the friendship.
Also agreeing that it's not up to you to extend the invitation anyway. Note that if couple A and couple B are friends, couple A may approach couple B directly, so you will want to speak to couple B about this so you're all on the same page.
Given that you're all friends, and there's nothing in your question that indicates that having couple A along would be inherently awkward, difficult or unpleasant, then consider this -
Your main reasons (as stated) for not wanting couple A along are:
1. So you could get to know couple B better, two on two; and
2. Because logistics and planning for 3 is harder than for 2.
1) can be addressed by saying "hey, we'd love to have you on this trip, but we do want to hang out with couple B, so we'll split up on some of the days, OK?". Also, you might find that you will get to know couple B even better when their old friends couple A are there and can prompt them to tell you the story of when they were caught skinny dipping in the lake that time...
and 2) - well you've already booked travel and accommodation, so you just need to pass on the details of what you've booked and couple A would need to do their own booking. For the day planning, you can just plan with couple B and tell couple A what the plans are. They don't have to join in if they don't like what you've planned. OR, you have now 2 more people who can *help* with the planning. Depends on how you look at it.
posted by pianissimo at 7:53 PM on November 10, 2013
Also agreeing that it's not up to you to extend the invitation anyway. Note that if couple A and couple B are friends, couple A may approach couple B directly, so you will want to speak to couple B about this so you're all on the same page.
Given that you're all friends, and there's nothing in your question that indicates that having couple A along would be inherently awkward, difficult or unpleasant, then consider this -
Your main reasons (as stated) for not wanting couple A along are:
1. So you could get to know couple B better, two on two; and
2. Because logistics and planning for 3 is harder than for 2.
1) can be addressed by saying "hey, we'd love to have you on this trip, but we do want to hang out with couple B, so we'll split up on some of the days, OK?". Also, you might find that you will get to know couple B even better when their old friends couple A are there and can prompt them to tell you the story of when they were caught skinny dipping in the lake that time...
and 2) - well you've already booked travel and accommodation, so you just need to pass on the details of what you've booked and couple A would need to do their own booking. For the day planning, you can just plan with couple B and tell couple A what the plans are. They don't have to join in if they don't like what you've planned. OR, you have now 2 more people who can *help* with the planning. Depends on how you look at it.
posted by pianissimo at 7:53 PM on November 10, 2013
Yeah I think you are sort of out of luck. I realize you didn't actually invite them, but..... you did kind of invite them unintentionally. We've all done it and while it may not be what you had planned I would make the best of it.
Also, this is kind of sneaky but the only real way you can preserve the friendship is if they decide on their own they aren't interested. So you know if you and couple B love snorkeling and couple A is terrified of the water maybe start talking up how much snorkeling you all are planning to do.
But really this is the sort of sacrifice you make for the sake of the friendship. There are plenty of times we'd all rather go to dinner with a smaller group of people or not want to have to worry about accommodating our vegetarian friend, but we care about them so we add on an extra table and go to the vegan place.
posted by whoaali at 9:55 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, this is kind of sneaky but the only real way you can preserve the friendship is if they decide on their own they aren't interested. So you know if you and couple B love snorkeling and couple A is terrified of the water maybe start talking up how much snorkeling you all are planning to do.
But really this is the sort of sacrifice you make for the sake of the friendship. There are plenty of times we'd all rather go to dinner with a smaller group of people or not want to have to worry about accommodating our vegetarian friend, but we care about them so we add on an extra table and go to the vegan place.
posted by whoaali at 9:55 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Oh, I'm afraid we've already booked the trip. I'm sorry! Maybe another time!"
This is a gentle shrug off. It's not saying that you don't want to travel together in the future, but it just says it's not gonna happen now.
I doubt they push the issue. If they do, then you can use the answer that you were invited by couple B and you really can't add them.
posted by inturnaround at 9:57 PM on November 10, 2013
This is a gentle shrug off. It's not saying that you don't want to travel together in the future, but it just says it's not gonna happen now.
I doubt they push the issue. If they do, then you can use the answer that you were invited by couple B and you really can't add them.
posted by inturnaround at 9:57 PM on November 10, 2013
Maybe respond to couple A by saying that you prefer trips like this to be with just a few people (i.e, no more than four!), and suggest a separate vacation another time with just you, your spouse, and couple A?
posted by merejane at 8:00 AM on November 11, 2013
posted by merejane at 8:00 AM on November 11, 2013
Putting myself in Couple A's shoes, I'd be pretty hurt if my partner and I were excluded from something like this. Hurt that I wasn't invited in the first place - and if I had gotten that email I probably would have just had bruised feelings rather than assuming it was an invitation. But they did interpret it as an invitation, and retracting it will likely damage the friendship.
If you are willing to risk hurting your friends over traveling as a group of 4 instead of 6, then you can say "Sorry for any misunderstanding - we find it kind of stressful to travel in big groups and I think we're going to keep this trip at just 4. Would love to plan a trip with you sometime in the Spring!" But do check with Couple B first - as Couple B's reaction might be "Oh OF COURSE they should come along!"
posted by amaire at 10:45 AM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you are willing to risk hurting your friends over traveling as a group of 4 instead of 6, then you can say "Sorry for any misunderstanding - we find it kind of stressful to travel in big groups and I think we're going to keep this trip at just 4. Would love to plan a trip with you sometime in the Spring!" But do check with Couple B first - as Couple B's reaction might be "Oh OF COURSE they should come along!"
posted by amaire at 10:45 AM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
"I mentioned via email that we were going on this trip to one of Couple 'A'."
Deep down, is there a part of you that wanted to hurt your longtime friends by letting them know via email (you know you can edit for kindness before you hit send, right?) that your new friends left them out and chose to invite you instead?
You "won" this time - the B's chose you over the A's, so that's got to be validating on some level. It sounds like you are re-negotiating these friendships, but you're not doing it proactively and thoughtfully.
Don't be too critical of your longtime friends the A's for "self-inviting" - they're simply saying they assumed you were much closer friends than you really are. They're now probably finding it hard to swallow that two sets of their old friends would actively exclude them, that's all. Can't you hold your criticisms for just a moment, and try to see their side of things?
Give them time. Now that they've seen how it truly is with you all, they'll be able to manage their reactions better in the future.
posted by hush at 12:59 PM on November 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
Deep down, is there a part of you that wanted to hurt your longtime friends by letting them know via email (you know you can edit for kindness before you hit send, right?) that your new friends left them out and chose to invite you instead?
You "won" this time - the B's chose you over the A's, so that's got to be validating on some level. It sounds like you are re-negotiating these friendships, but you're not doing it proactively and thoughtfully.
Don't be too critical of your longtime friends the A's for "self-inviting" - they're simply saying they assumed you were much closer friends than you really are. They're now probably finding it hard to swallow that two sets of their old friends would actively exclude them, that's all. Can't you hold your criticisms for just a moment, and try to see their side of things?
Give them time. Now that they've seen how it truly is with you all, they'll be able to manage their reactions better in the future.
posted by hush at 12:59 PM on November 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
"It's too late to adjust our plans on this one, sorry, but I think that means that we'll all just absolutely have to have A GROUP VACATION NEXT YEAR! Where do you think we should all go for that?"
posted by anonymisc at 1:42 PM on November 11, 2013
posted by anonymisc at 1:42 PM on November 11, 2013
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posted by xingcat at 5:48 PM on November 10, 2013 [14 favorites]