How to deal with a co-worker's passive-aggressive behavior?
November 10, 2013 5:41 PM   Subscribe

Special snowflake details inside.

To give some context to the situation, I am a 30 year old white male, working with five other men of the same background and age. I started with this company a few weeks ago, so I am getting acclimated to the work, the personalities, and office politics. We all work together in a pretty confined single-room office until we find another space.

A co-worker in a senior leadership position, who I don't directly answer to, has twice now written messages on the entrance door window with a whiteboard marker that I am somewhat perplexed by. The first one said "C u at 8:30" followed by "If you want" a day later. That was eventually erased and replaced by an inane drawing by another individual. About a week later, this co-worker wrote "C u at 8:30" again, followed by "I'm serious." a few days later.

I typically get in between 8:30 and 9am, depending on my commute. I am not the only person who arrives within this window. It also was never stipulated that I have to be in at a specific time when I interviewed with this company, nor have my managers mentioned anything to me about my arrival time.

This particular coworker can come across as unapproachable, for instance giving the silent treatment when asked questions (He has done this to me occasionally), or giving curt answers to questions if he does answer. The rest of the coworkers appear to be ok with this, or at least tolerate it because the company places a high value on his work.

I on the other hand find the behavior very off-putting, and passive-aggressive.

In regards to the graffiti on the door — I have ignored it, and continued to arrive within my usual time (and the same with other coworkers). The closest he has come to actually discussing this issue was a joke he made on our internal chat service a few weeks ago, that I pretty much ignored. He has not addressed me in person or otherwise about my arrival time since this.

I am concerned if he does approach me, and by approach, judging by his past behavior, will be a smart-ass quip in front of the whole office. Basically, I want to know how to best diffuse this situation if it escalates.

I plan on bring up the following points if he does escalate this:

1. Writing graffiti on the door, next to goofy doodles we make, is not a way to communicate official company policy.

2. Making a joke in on our chat service is also not an effective way to communicate company policy.

3. No reason has been given for this expectation, it appears to be completely arbitrary.

4. If my arrival time is a problem, it should be taken up with my managers.

Beyond that, I am not sure how to go about this situation. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I should address his behavior with my supervisors, or him directly. So AskMefi, your advice would be greatly appreciated on this matter. Thank you.
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (30 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Just ask him if the whiteboard note is a meeting invitation and if you're expected to attend. If you are expected for an 8:30 meeting and your supervisor approves of your 9:00 start time, tell him. That's all.
posted by kinetic at 5:50 PM on November 10, 2013 [8 favorites]


Can you just ask him? "Joe, I noticed that you left those notes about how I should be arriving at 8:30 - but when I was hired, I understood that as long as [conditions of work] was going well, I could arrive [whatever your arrival parameters are]. [My manager] hasn't said anything about my arrival times, but I wanted to see if there was something I didn't know about."

Sometimes getting really politely direct with PA people is helpful - I have found that there are even times where it shifts your whole relationship because they actually want to communicate but are bad at it and get really relieved when you take charge.

It sounds like he can't demand that you come in early, so you're in the clear on that one. But letting him feel heard about it will probably be good. If he pushes, can you say "I get in around [time] because [traffic/important reasons] but I stay until [thing] or later if things need to get finished - coming in at [time] really helps me be productive"?

I'd say that if you try to get all "company policy is/talk to my manager" on him first thing, you'll just raise hackles. I recognize that an all-dude environment is different, but if it were me, I'd try the softer and more personal approach first.

Have you asked the others what they think, like "I notice all these notes from Joe about '8:30' - what's up with that?" Maybe it's a company-wide joke that he's obsessed with getting everyone to work conventional hours or something.
posted by Frowner at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2013 [13 favorites]


I have ignored it, and continued to arrive within my usual time (and the same with other coworkers).

It sounds very much like his behavior didn't start with you and won't end with you. I would check with your coworkers about how long he's been writing that message.

If he does approach you in person then point 4 is the one to make.

Though once again, I think you're taking a general behavior and making it about you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:52 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Or wait, he wants to have a meeting specifically with you about work stuff at 8:30? I'd spin this as "hey, I noticed that you want to meet at 8:30 - I usually get in at 8:45. Could we meet at 9 on Tuesday?" If he wants to meet with you once in a while about work stuff, why not come in at 8:30 (like, if it's a monthly check-in meeting). If it's some kind of regular status update thing with him only and there's no pressing business reason to meet at 8:30 specifically, then you should just let him know directly that you're not available at 8:30.
posted by Frowner at 5:54 PM on November 10, 2013


How do you know it's directed at you? You say it's the entrance door, not a door only used by you, right? If the message isn't specifically addressed to you by name, I would ask him who the door messages are meant for and clarify your start time expectations.
posted by cecic at 5:58 PM on November 10, 2013 [14 favorites]


Hmmm, are you sure the note is directed at you? Are you sure the note is serious?

I dunno man, if it's not your manager, I would just ignore it. It's your manager's job to... manage you. I feel like you're reading a lot into the note here in presuming it's directed at you - or any person in particular - and that it should be taken seriously.
posted by smoke at 6:00 PM on November 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


Just like the last two people, I want to say that there's no way of knowing it even concerns you. Maybe he's leaving a note for someone else who he knows will be there at 8:30.

But either way, if he can't reprimand you for it then it's not really something you need to worry about.
posted by theichibun at 6:02 PM on November 10, 2013


Don't assume it's about you. Verify your schedule with your manager. Your responses are defensive, which is understandable, but not useful. Ratchet down your anxiety, focus on your work and your manager, and find things to appreciate in your co-workers.
posted by theora55 at 6:11 PM on November 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Since you are brand new on the job I would want to handle this tactfully so as not to get off to a bad start with anyone. I agree with being polite and direct and asking him about the messages as to who they are for (possibly everyone?) and what they are about. First though, I'd find out definitively what time your workday starts. If it's flexible great but if they tell you 8:30 then personally I'd get there on time so, you know, not to be passive aggressive yourself.
posted by wildflower at 6:17 PM on November 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ignore Mr. Chip-on-his-Shoulder and his vague complaints.
posted by desuetude at 6:20 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd probably ask my manager "do you know what's up with these 8:30 notes on the window?", since he'll know what's going on better than you (and way better than anyone on AskMe.)

If it's something you ought to know and care about, he'll tell you. If not, he'll probably know how to respond appropriately to the situation. (E.g. find out what's going on himself, or be ready to provide appropriate air cover if anyone gets called out in a big meeting.)
posted by Courage is going from failure to failure at 6:36 PM on November 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


Nothing you wrote made me think that this notes are about you or that there's something you should do about them.
posted by sm1tten at 6:47 PM on November 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


If it were me I would totally assume he wanted to meet with you at 8:30 and wanted you (as the lower on the totem pole employee) to come to him (the upper on the totem pole guy) for the meeting. His second set of notes were seeming irritation that you blew off his meeting request.

I would do this, and do it via email.

Hey NAME,

I just realized that the notes on my whiteboard were from you. Sorry! I didn't realize you wanted to meet with me at 8:30 on something. Can we reschedule? I'm available anytime this afternoon, or tomorrow between 10 and noon.

Most of the time people just put jokes on my whiteboard so I don't pay much attention to it. Would you mind letting me know, or sending me an email when you'd like to set up a meeting in the future so I can be sure to put it on my schedule?

Thanks,

OP


And completely ignore anything further on your white board.
posted by arnicae at 6:58 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


You're helping him communicate poorly, or at least contributing to the misunderstanding, as long as you don't understand but don't say so.

Maybe it is nothing. Maybe it's for someone else. Maybe, maybe. But maybe he's got something against people who come in "late" and doesn't know what your agreement with your boss is. Maybe every day he's getting more and more pissed at you. Maybe someday he will be in a position of influence over you and all he will remember is you're a lazy late person who blows off his messages.

The smart thing to do, whether it's necessary or not, is to bring this thing to the front where it can either be squashed once and for all or you find out you need to give on this one. You need to ask the guy, either face to face or via email if that's more comfortable for him, "are you the one writing on the door? I don't understand what you mean by that."
posted by ctmf at 7:07 PM on November 10, 2013


If it were me I would totally assume he wanted to meet with you at 8:30 and wanted you (as the lower on the totem pole employee) to come to him

That is insane. Work is not about reading tea leaves. This guy sounds like exactly the kind of passive-agressive, lacking-in-social-skills type that makes people incredibly uncomfortable when he ends up in a position of power. When pressed he will no doubt reply "Just joking!" and give an unconvincing fake chuckle. I know this type and they're usually relatively harmless, except for the anxiety they cause others with their inappropriate "jokes."

I'd personally just ignore it.
posted by drjimmy11 at 7:52 PM on November 10, 2013


Seconding Courage is going from failure to failure - I'd ask my manager, not passive aggressive dude, if my arrival time is OK, and what's up with the notes.
posted by domnit at 8:02 PM on November 10, 2013 [5 favorites]


If it were me I would totally assume he wanted to meet with you at 8:30 and wanted you (as the lower on the totem pole employee) to come to him

That is insane.


Nope, that would just be my natural assumption - as someone who prefers to not acknowledge people's passive-agressive tendencies. Works pretty well for me. I treat people as if they are communicating in good faith and they tend to do so (whether out of shame or belated acknowledgement that it is not a particularly useful tactic with me). I think this is a perfectly reasonable tactic to take that will not escalate this. However, I concur with you - I think "ignoring entirely" is a potentially equally effective tactic.
posted by arnicae at 8:05 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


This behavior is totally annoying, but I would be careful about ignoring it or letting it be known that you are pissed off about it - because he is senior leadership and highly valued, and you are the new person. And it's probably not a good idea to take it upon yourself to be confrontational and tell him what is/is not an acceptable way to communicate official policy, because he is senior leadership etc and you are new. I'm just saying. Don't get him thinking you guys are disrespectful to him. If you find an opportunity to ask your manager politely and clearly if there is a need for staff to arrive at 8:30, and then explain why you really do best with the 8:30-9 window, I'd try that - have the conversation but don't have an argument!
posted by citron at 8:25 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


If you ask him directly if you are supposed to be in the office at 8:30, that sort of gives him that power over you - the only person to ask about this is your actual manager.

My guess is that he gets to the office before 8:30, finds no-one there, and spends the next half hour feeling better than everyone else, and getting angry imagining that he's the only one in the office that is pulling their weight. Some people will do anything, no matter how pointless or petty, to bolster their ego.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:16 PM on November 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


Also, look at these messages as awesome early warning signs about what this guy is really like; you now know that he is unlikely to be helpful or co-operative when you are working on something together, you won't have to find it out unexpectedly later when he's thrown you under a bus.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:21 PM on November 10, 2013


You don't even know if this is directed at you or not. Ignore the graffiti.

Confirm the expected start time (window) with the person you do report to. If it is directed at you and does escalate in any way by talking to your superior you can just say "I've agreed my start time with x. Please talk to them."

If they have a genuine reason for needing you there at 8.30, like a meeting, and they point this out to you after you told them to talk to x you can say "Sorry, didn't realise the graffiti constitutes a meeting invite, we used meeting invitations for that in my old place. Are these regular meetings so I can set up a reminder in my diary so I can be sure to be here at 8.30 on those days?" That makes it clear that you are quite happy to attend team meetings but that your colleague's preferred method of scheduling these meetings is not clear to the uninitiated.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:32 PM on November 10, 2013


Double check that your arrival time is okay with your manager, and let him know about the notes. It is entirely possible that these are not directed only at you, but at everyone who is not there at 0830, and, by extension, your boss for allowing flexible arrivals. In that case, it is your manager's behaviour that is being criticized most, and he should be the one to deal with it, for his own sake as well.

In the meantime, treat this guy like an adult by assuming that if he has something specific to say to you, he will address you clearly and directly.
posted by rpfields at 10:37 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Have you spoken to your coworkers about this? I'm hesitant to write this off because a few years ago I worked for a company where there was an unspoken rule about getting in early. Despite that my contract said I was to arrive at work at 9, I was constantly in trouble, so to speak, for not coming in earlier. It took me a long time to realise that the CEO had turned arriving into some kind of competition where he took down the names of those who arrived last -- even if it was long before 9:00. When I was let go this was used as 'evidence' of my not being excited enough about my role and the company. This was fine to me, as I hated working there and quickly found a much better job, but if you like working there you might want to ask how long this has been going on and what it means.
posted by toerinishuman at 11:52 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


It seems that you know that someone is writing silly messages on the whiteboard. And you know that there is an asshole in your office. And you know that this asshole made a joke on an internal chat service. But it doesn't seem that you know that the first two things are related - you just seem to be adding two and two together.

I handle things like time keeping at work by thinking that if my boss hasn't said there's a problem, there's not a problem. My boss is the person whose opinion is relevant to this, not some other random person who is caring about stuff that isn't their business. Other people being childish is something to ignore, because paying attention to it sets a bad precedent and gets you drawn into their games.

If Asshole makes a smart quip in front of the office, remain calm, look him in the eye, and ask if there's a problem. When he says something about you getting to work late or past 8:30, ask him to show you documentation that states the time you're due to start work. Remind him that your boss hasn't said anything, and then immediately call your boss to clarify. When your boss says that there isn't a problem, tell Asshole this. Then go back to doing whatever you were doing. The point of the smart quip is to throw you off balance, but if you can remain clam, you'll win, because this person obviously can't handle direct confrontation.
posted by Solomon at 12:59 AM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Unless they're addressed with your name ("Anonymous: C u at 8:30"), I see absolutely NO indication that these notes are directed specifically to you. Quite possibly, they're somewhat-private notes that are clearly understood by *someone else* in the office --- for whatever reason they might have chosen this obscure method of communicating with each other..... one of them, for instance, leaving the note to tell the other HE (the note writer) will be in at 8:30 or whatever.

So: these notes aren't in fact aimed at you, nor is this person your supervisor. I'd just ignore it.
posted by easily confused at 1:37 AM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Why do you think this is passive aggressive behavior? That is, does whiteboarder seem like an aggressive person who is always looking for a way to mess with people? Why do you think the message is for you?

You need to ask what's going on. If the whiteboarder does seem to be a hostile type, ask your manager. If not, ask the white boarder. Maybe he and someone else alternate coffee runs or do in office recaps of The Voice and these messages have nothing to do with you.

Be prepared, either way, for the possibility that they hired you saying arrival time X is okay and then told the whiteboarder "don't worry, new guy will be available for 8:30 meetings."
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:46 AM on November 11, 2013


I'd double-check with my manager, "Hey, what's the deal with Joe? He seems really focused on folks being at their desks by 8:30. I usually roll in at around 8:45 depending on traffic, along with the rest of the crew. Joe seems fixated on 8:30. He leaves note on the door, he's commenting in chat. Did I miss something about a fixed start time?"

Your manager will either confirm that your start time is fine (I live in Atlanta, start-times are rough estimations) or he'll say, "Oh! I should have communicated this to you, 8:30 is firm." Most likely he'll say, "Yeah, Joe's a pain in the ass. Just shine him on."

If you want to fight passive aggressive with passive aggressive, arrive at 8:00 and when Joe comes in ask him, "So, working half-days?"
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on November 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Many people who suggest you ask him directly are assuming it is on your whiteboard, but you said it was a whiteboard by the entrance. I think the fact that it is not your own whiteboard means you can safely ignore it.

Is the text all in caps, like "C U at 8:30"? It is possible that C.U. is an abbreviation for something and not meant to be taken as "see you". The oddest part to me is the "I'm serious" part. That would be enough to make me ask others about it.
posted by soelo at 11:59 AM on November 11, 2013


No, I suggest asking directly because there is a question. A question you have of whether it was or was not directed to you, and possibly a question the other guy has of what your working hours are. (Whether it's actually his business or not, it's still a question.)

Just get the questions answered and move on. Done. It's that simple.

If it turns out this guy thinks you should be there at 8:30 sharp, you can get that answered for him by your actual boss. Problem solved, no hard feelings. Ignoring the question just lets it linger out there for resentment to start building around. Frankly, it's also something that someone with a guilty conscience would do, so it looks bad regardless. If you have nothing to hide, act like it and get this resolved.
posted by ctmf at 12:08 PM on November 11, 2013


This is really very simple.

Talk to your manager about it. Confirm with your manager that it's okay for you to arrive at work between 8:30 and 9:00 as you are doing. That way if the annoying guy asks you why you weren't in at 8:30 one day you have the low-drama response that your manager said it was alright for you to arrive when you did.
posted by alms at 8:50 AM on November 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


« Older Looking for a print online (speaking Italian would...   |   Couple Dilema Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.