fwb not beneficial
November 10, 2013 12:03 PM Subscribe
FWB turned into dating but now I want even more!
Well, I'm not really sure if we are dating, because we stopped going on "dates" per se. It's been about two months since we started seeing each other, and while the arrangement was to be FWB we quickly realized we were more than that. But now that things have settled down and I think he's stopped trying to impress me/bed me, I don't really feel like he is that invested in whatever this arrangement has become.
But on the other hand, I haven't really dated guys before (I've hardly dated at all, tbh) and I feel like this might be normal? We spend almost every night together, but it's starting to feel like we just do it because we can. We just watch movies and things. And in public, we still just act like we are regular friends. I am also way more affectionate than he is and I've been keeping my distance because I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but I don't know how to bring that up without sounding accusatory? I just feel like I'm holding back all the time and UGH it's very frustrating!
I knew from the beginning that I would eventually develop feels, and although our arrangement is perfectly comfortable (we are in college, btw), and we have a lot in common, and we have a good time together, and he is cool and nice and awesome, I still feel like I want more. The problem is, I don't really know how to have this Talk because I don't really know WHAT I want. Also, after only two months I don't really feel I have the right to ask for anything more right now.
I read this, but it's a little different because he's admitted that we're not really fwb anymore...but I don't know what we are or where I stand or anything. Last time I asked, he said I was putting it in a box. Also, I recently told him via text message that I was getting feels even though I knew I shouldn't be, but he didn't really react to it either positively or negatively...
Anyway, I don't have any experience with this, so I was wondering if I should try to have a Talk (I am really fearing this). What kinds of things should I say or ask? I am really worried I won't say what I want to say and he will end up saying "OK, let's just be friends then." He is really not into talking about feelings so it would have to get to the point immediately. He's also told me from the beginning that he doesn't want a "relationship" although he ALSO told me he just wanted FWB and look how THAT turned out.
TL;DR Basically, I would like to know how to tell him that I've been holding back my touchy-feeliness and to tell him I'm having a hard time just being "casual" and to ask him whether he gives a crap about me...without sounding like a nagging girlfriend.
Well, I'm not really sure if we are dating, because we stopped going on "dates" per se. It's been about two months since we started seeing each other, and while the arrangement was to be FWB we quickly realized we were more than that. But now that things have settled down and I think he's stopped trying to impress me/bed me, I don't really feel like he is that invested in whatever this arrangement has become.
But on the other hand, I haven't really dated guys before (I've hardly dated at all, tbh) and I feel like this might be normal? We spend almost every night together, but it's starting to feel like we just do it because we can. We just watch movies and things. And in public, we still just act like we are regular friends. I am also way more affectionate than he is and I've been keeping my distance because I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but I don't know how to bring that up without sounding accusatory? I just feel like I'm holding back all the time and UGH it's very frustrating!
I knew from the beginning that I would eventually develop feels, and although our arrangement is perfectly comfortable (we are in college, btw), and we have a lot in common, and we have a good time together, and he is cool and nice and awesome, I still feel like I want more. The problem is, I don't really know how to have this Talk because I don't really know WHAT I want. Also, after only two months I don't really feel I have the right to ask for anything more right now.
I read this, but it's a little different because he's admitted that we're not really fwb anymore...but I don't know what we are or where I stand or anything. Last time I asked, he said I was putting it in a box. Also, I recently told him via text message that I was getting feels even though I knew I shouldn't be, but he didn't really react to it either positively or negatively...
Anyway, I don't have any experience with this, so I was wondering if I should try to have a Talk (I am really fearing this). What kinds of things should I say or ask? I am really worried I won't say what I want to say and he will end up saying "OK, let's just be friends then." He is really not into talking about feelings so it would have to get to the point immediately. He's also told me from the beginning that he doesn't want a "relationship" although he ALSO told me he just wanted FWB and look how THAT turned out.
TL;DR Basically, I would like to know how to tell him that I've been holding back my touchy-feeliness and to tell him I'm having a hard time just being "casual" and to ask him whether he gives a crap about me...without sounding like a nagging girlfriend.
You two do need to talk. Be sure that when you talk that it is light outside, you are both sober, and that you've had at least a little something to eat first.
Don't do this via text. Talking about important things should never be done via text. It needs to be done face-to-face.
If you feel like you are not being yourself around him, that is a problem. It sounds like you are unhappy with this as it is. You should not be doing things that make you unhappy. Being without this guy, if that's where the talk goes, will be better than being with him and holding things in. I promise.
posted by k8lin at 12:14 PM on November 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Don't do this via text. Talking about important things should never be done via text. It needs to be done face-to-face.
If you feel like you are not being yourself around him, that is a problem. It sounds like you are unhappy with this as it is. You should not be doing things that make you unhappy. Being without this guy, if that's where the talk goes, will be better than being with him and holding things in. I promise.
posted by k8lin at 12:14 PM on November 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Two things: first off, your relationship seems to be lacking any kind of passion. You are wanting the passion, I can tell. He is not giving it to you. It's really weird to ask for passion which is I think where you have found yourself. Can you please be more passionate for me? just doesn't work. There's the conversation you have after a long-time relationship where you ask for more overtures and expressiveness but this early in, things should be pretty hot.
So, I think you should disappear for awhile from this guy. You can tell him why: "You know, I'm totally smitten with you but I'm not feeling it in return. Let's take a break." Or, you can just fade out and see what he does. It may seem somewhat game-playing but I think you need to pull back from this guy and see if he is even the person that is right for you.
Because, second thing: You say you haven't dated. Yet, you jumped in to a FWB situation. Why? You say that you knew you had or would develop feelings for him so why did you settle? Why do you think you don't have a "right" to ask him about his feelings? It's a bad place to be, for everyone. I have a feeling that this relationship doesn't have legs. However, I think you can learn a lot from it.
posted by amanda at 12:16 PM on November 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
So, I think you should disappear for awhile from this guy. You can tell him why: "You know, I'm totally smitten with you but I'm not feeling it in return. Let's take a break." Or, you can just fade out and see what he does. It may seem somewhat game-playing but I think you need to pull back from this guy and see if he is even the person that is right for you.
Because, second thing: You say you haven't dated. Yet, you jumped in to a FWB situation. Why? You say that you knew you had or would develop feelings for him so why did you settle? Why do you think you don't have a "right" to ask him about his feelings? It's a bad place to be, for everyone. I have a feeling that this relationship doesn't have legs. However, I think you can learn a lot from it.
posted by amanda at 12:16 PM on November 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Basically, I would like to know how to tell him that I've been holding back my touchy-feeliness and to tell him I'm having a hard time just being "casual" and to ask him whether he gives a crap about me...without sounding like a nagging girlfriend.
The "nagging girlfriend" stuff you've internalized--supported by his "whoa, don't put our love in a box!!!" rhetoric, is sort of typical mind games played by college dudes on inexperienced and unassertive girls. The fear of being Not a Cool Girl can loom pretty large, which lets guys take advantage of you. And he is taking advantage of you--he gets the benefits of a sexual relationship as well as your companionship, strings you along because he knows you want more, but never has to reciprocate by meeting your needs or even acknowledging your relationship in public.
So here's what you should do: risk it. Be honest with him that you want to date him and that the FWB arrangement is no longer working.
If he gives you grief about this--and he probably will, based on what you're saying here--remember that you're seeing his true colors. This is not a nice guy, because a nice guy won't make you feel shitty about your needs.
Honestly, in every arrangement like this I've ever seen, the inevitable usually occurs: the girl asks a few times for something more, the guy rebuffs her, the girl goes along with it because she doesn't want to give up what she has, which is better than nothing--and then a few weeks or months down the line, he sees a girl he wants to actually date and the first girl gets hurt.
It's possible that won't happen. It's possible you'll ask him to be your boyfie, and he'll say yes, and it'll be awesome. But the whole "putting us in a box" thing is a pretty bad sign, honestly. Better to pull the band-aid off now and deal with the pain of it then down the line, when you have developed even more feels.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:18 PM on November 10, 2013 [38 favorites]
The "nagging girlfriend" stuff you've internalized--supported by his "whoa, don't put our love in a box!!!" rhetoric, is sort of typical mind games played by college dudes on inexperienced and unassertive girls. The fear of being Not a Cool Girl can loom pretty large, which lets guys take advantage of you. And he is taking advantage of you--he gets the benefits of a sexual relationship as well as your companionship, strings you along because he knows you want more, but never has to reciprocate by meeting your needs or even acknowledging your relationship in public.
So here's what you should do: risk it. Be honest with him that you want to date him and that the FWB arrangement is no longer working.
If he gives you grief about this--and he probably will, based on what you're saying here--remember that you're seeing his true colors. This is not a nice guy, because a nice guy won't make you feel shitty about your needs.
Honestly, in every arrangement like this I've ever seen, the inevitable usually occurs: the girl asks a few times for something more, the guy rebuffs her, the girl goes along with it because she doesn't want to give up what she has, which is better than nothing--and then a few weeks or months down the line, he sees a girl he wants to actually date and the first girl gets hurt.
It's possible that won't happen. It's possible you'll ask him to be your boyfie, and he'll say yes, and it'll be awesome. But the whole "putting us in a box" thing is a pretty bad sign, honestly. Better to pull the band-aid off now and deal with the pain of it then down the line, when you have developed even more feels.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:18 PM on November 10, 2013 [38 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you're saying you're holding back because you're worried about his potential reaction, not because he's asked you to or otherwise indicated he doesn't want any affection?
If so, stop trying to read his mind and do what makes you comfortable and happy; it's his job as an adult to indicate to you if his boundaries are being crossed, not your job to read his mind.
If he has indicated in some concrete way that he wants you to be as standoff-ish as you're currently being, then I think you may need to evaluate whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you to be yourself in the relationship.
posted by jaguar at 12:19 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
If so, stop trying to read his mind and do what makes you comfortable and happy; it's his job as an adult to indicate to you if his boundaries are being crossed, not your job to read his mind.
If he has indicated in some concrete way that he wants you to be as standoff-ish as you're currently being, then I think you may need to evaluate whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you to be yourself in the relationship.
posted by jaguar at 12:19 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds pretty clear that (1) he's not into you romantically and (2) you are hurting from being sexually involved with someone who isn't into you romantically. Please don't think of this as something you don't have a "right" to feel! That is crazy talk. Lots and lots of people don't feel right sleeping with someone who doesn't care for them romantically.
Feel free to be honest with him, but remember that your feelings are perfectly valid and, really, the only thing that matters, in terms of the decisions you make. If it hurts you to be having sex with someone who isn't romantically into you (and, setting yourself up to be badly hurt when he meets someone he IS into romantically) then stop doing it. You don't need his permission.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:20 PM on November 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Feel free to be honest with him, but remember that your feelings are perfectly valid and, really, the only thing that matters, in terms of the decisions you make. If it hurts you to be having sex with someone who isn't romantically into you (and, setting yourself up to be badly hurt when he meets someone he IS into romantically) then stop doing it. You don't need his permission.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:20 PM on November 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
What are you afraid of, exactly? Either you're going to find out that the guy you have feelings for has feelings for you, in which case yay; or you're going to find out that the guy you have feelings for doesn't have feelings for you, in which case you really don't want to be throwing your heart against a brick wall anyway.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:28 PM on November 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:28 PM on November 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Just as a side note, what does getting "feels" mean? Just throwing this out there, but maybe charming monikers to label emotional states and interpersonal arrangements kind of get in the way of clear communication.
So, if he's acting like your friend in public versus your boyfriend, and he's not taking you out, it's likely that he doesn't see himself as your boyfriend. It sounds like you want to him to be your boyfriend. If I were you I would say to him something along the lines of, "You know, at the beginning I thought a casual sort of thing would work for me, but now I realize that it's not working for me. I am more looking for a boyfriend to take me on dates and hold hands and do boyfriendy things with. I understand if you're more looking for a casual liason but I think I can't be the one to give you that at this point." Or, you know, something along those lines. Where you state what you want.
Also, in the text you said you told him, "You were getting 'feels' even though you shouldn't be." Why shouldn't you have feelings? You feel what you feel. Nothing to be ashamed of there. I would definitely have a "Talk" with him, in the sense of laying out, this is what I need, either you are able to give it to me or not and if not that is cool. But not a Talk in the sense of "Pleeeease be my boyfriend" or "I want to make it so you do X" because that usually doesn't go well.
posted by mermily at 12:37 PM on November 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
So, if he's acting like your friend in public versus your boyfriend, and he's not taking you out, it's likely that he doesn't see himself as your boyfriend. It sounds like you want to him to be your boyfriend. If I were you I would say to him something along the lines of, "You know, at the beginning I thought a casual sort of thing would work for me, but now I realize that it's not working for me. I am more looking for a boyfriend to take me on dates and hold hands and do boyfriendy things with. I understand if you're more looking for a casual liason but I think I can't be the one to give you that at this point." Or, you know, something along those lines. Where you state what you want.
Also, in the text you said you told him, "You were getting 'feels' even though you shouldn't be." Why shouldn't you have feelings? You feel what you feel. Nothing to be ashamed of there. I would definitely have a "Talk" with him, in the sense of laying out, this is what I need, either you are able to give it to me or not and if not that is cool. But not a Talk in the sense of "Pleeeease be my boyfriend" or "I want to make it so you do X" because that usually doesn't go well.
posted by mermily at 12:37 PM on November 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: You have every right to clarify what your relationship is. It sounds like you're nervous for a couple of reasons:
1. You really want his answer to be something along the lines of "Yes, let's date. You're growing on me"
2. You have invested time and sex for a whole two months and you don't want to feel as though that was a waste.
Well to be honest, you can't really control either of those.
On the first count, he either wants something or he doesn't. On the second, regardless of how he feels, you can't travel back in time and change those two months. It's a sunk cost. All you can do is think about what you are going to do now.
You need to establish whether you honestly think you can be platonic friends with this guy without longing for something more. If the answer to that is no, and this guy is also not interested in "putting it[your relationship] in a box," you need to cut your losses and move on the better and brighter things.
The worst that can happen in this case is that you lose a wishy washy guy and have more opportunities to look for someone who is a better fit.
posted by donut_princess at 12:46 PM on November 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
1. You really want his answer to be something along the lines of "Yes, let's date. You're growing on me"
2. You have invested time and sex for a whole two months and you don't want to feel as though that was a waste.
Well to be honest, you can't really control either of those.
On the first count, he either wants something or he doesn't. On the second, regardless of how he feels, you can't travel back in time and change those two months. It's a sunk cost. All you can do is think about what you are going to do now.
You need to establish whether you honestly think you can be platonic friends with this guy without longing for something more. If the answer to that is no, and this guy is also not interested in "putting it[your relationship] in a box," you need to cut your losses and move on the better and brighter things.
The worst that can happen in this case is that you lose a wishy washy guy and have more opportunities to look for someone who is a better fit.
posted by donut_princess at 12:46 PM on November 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Best answer: If this is a relationship worth pursuing long-term, you need to be able to communicate openly and honestly about things like what you want the relationship to be. This is one of those dealbreaker kinds of deals. Talk to him. You can start with a disclaimer like "I'm really nervous saying this," if you like (there's no need to hide your fears in a healthy relationship, either.)
posted by SMPA at 12:47 PM on November 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by SMPA at 12:47 PM on November 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah... The mutual sex/no commitment thing is something that only works when there is a certain emotional seperation between those involved. This situation has obviously evolved beyond that for you, so it needs to change in one direction or the other. The only way to figure out if it will change to a more traditional style bf/gf relation is to ask. And if you keep getting ''in a box'' non answers then really it isn't what you want, so go look for what you actually want elsewhere.
I hope it works well for you, and it might. But as reported, it does sound dodgy. Good luck and don't be afraid, be asserative. I think in the long run you will attract a better group of suitors if you develop strong self confidence.
posted by edgeways at 12:49 PM on November 10, 2013
I hope it works well for you, and it might. But as reported, it does sound dodgy. Good luck and don't be afraid, be asserative. I think in the long run you will attract a better group of suitors if you develop strong self confidence.
posted by edgeways at 12:49 PM on November 10, 2013
Best answer: I knew from the beginning that I would eventually develop feels
Please don't discredit your perfectly legitimate desire for a meaningful relationship by calling it 'feels,' as if it was some stupid girlish thing and not one of the driving forces of human nature.
This is something that, all too often these days, young women have to deal with: the idea that love is uncool and the desire for emotional intimacy is like totally lame. Don't buy into it. It's a tool used to make you feel like you deserve nothing from a relationship other than sex and a bare minimum of attention.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:00 PM on November 10, 2013 [54 favorites]
Please don't discredit your perfectly legitimate desire for a meaningful relationship by calling it 'feels,' as if it was some stupid girlish thing and not one of the driving forces of human nature.
This is something that, all too often these days, young women have to deal with: the idea that love is uncool and the desire for emotional intimacy is like totally lame. Don't buy into it. It's a tool used to make you feel like you deserve nothing from a relationship other than sex and a bare minimum of attention.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:00 PM on November 10, 2013 [54 favorites]
Best answer: So he gets all of what he wants and you get none of what you want?
That is utter bull hockey.
You are worth more than this. Pull the eject button before you feel even more like crap. Because there is nothing wrong with you wanting what you want.
(and from this old dinosaur, who remembers fwb from way back before it had a name-someone always gets hurt. It's not always the woman. You may want to rethink these types of relationships. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:14 PM on November 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
That is utter bull hockey.
You are worth more than this. Pull the eject button before you feel even more like crap. Because there is nothing wrong with you wanting what you want.
(and from this old dinosaur, who remembers fwb from way back before it had a name-someone always gets hurt. It's not always the woman. You may want to rethink these types of relationships. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:14 PM on November 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
Best answer: You seem to want something entirely reasonable and possible: a boyfriend. You can want that, it's not uncool and not too much to ask. And you can most likely have it.
You may not, however, be able to get what you want as long as you keep seeing this guy. He may be a boy, but he doesn't sound like a friend.
Telling him about your feelings and needs is not nagging. It's quite reasonable and mature. If he can't or won't give you what you want, and he doesn't want to be a true, invested boyfriend, then this relationship is probably over and it sounds like that's for the best.
Find someone who is really, really into you, and that you don't have to hold back with, and develop all the feels you want. Revel in them and share them with your new boyfriend. You'll feel a whole lot better, I promise.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:24 PM on November 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
You may not, however, be able to get what you want as long as you keep seeing this guy. He may be a boy, but he doesn't sound like a friend.
Telling him about your feelings and needs is not nagging. It's quite reasonable and mature. If he can't or won't give you what you want, and he doesn't want to be a true, invested boyfriend, then this relationship is probably over and it sounds like that's for the best.
Find someone who is really, really into you, and that you don't have to hold back with, and develop all the feels you want. Revel in them and share them with your new boyfriend. You'll feel a whole lot better, I promise.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:24 PM on November 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I was getting feels even though I knew I shouldn't be
Wha??
Did you just say you're not allowed to have feelings?
That's a terrible thing to say.
Look, you're in a relationship. You have a boyfriend. You're his girlfriend. You have feelings. You have emotions. Just because you carefully avoid using some of those words doesn't change the facts. Why cover up the truth? It's time to have a serious talk with him.
Your question is at least the second one posted today about someone in a supposedly "FWB" relationship who realizes she wants something more serious. This kind of question gets posted over and over. That alone should tell you something. Allow me to quote from an answer by moxiedoll to a previous question (in response to someone who said he wasn't "ready for a girlfriend"):
Wha??
Did you just say you're not allowed to have feelings?
That's a terrible thing to say.
Look, you're in a relationship. You have a boyfriend. You're his girlfriend. You have feelings. You have emotions. Just because you carefully avoid using some of those words doesn't change the facts. Why cover up the truth? It's time to have a serious talk with him.
Your question is at least the second one posted today about someone in a supposedly "FWB" relationship who realizes she wants something more serious. This kind of question gets posted over and over. That alone should tell you something. Allow me to quote from an answer by moxiedoll to a previous question (in response to someone who said he wasn't "ready for a girlfriend"):
I think you've got it backwards. A "casual relationship" is emotionally trickier and harder to pull off than a straight up girlfriend. One of the reasons for that is that we humans are all pretty much wired to have Big Feelings about people we have sex with - age and experience can change that to different extents (and maybe that's a little sad, actually) but if you're new to this you can't expect to have some regular "sexual exploration" and not feel anything.... and I'd wager that there's ZERO chance of at least one of you winding up heartbroken.posted by John Cohen at 2:29 PM on November 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: It's not weird or wrong or bad to develop romantic feelings for someone you're having sex and spending a lot of time with. It's not uncool. It does not make you clingy or dumb. It means you're a pretty normal human being.
Some people are more wired for FWB relationships than others. Neither is wrong or bad.
Sit down with him and tell him you want to know how he sees this relationship and what he wants from it. Then you take your turn. If what you want is incompatible, neither of you is bad, but you should probably stop seeing each other. For you, especially, it sounds like it would be better if you do if he isn't in the same place you are and isn't interested in getting there.
posted by rtha at 2:52 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some people are more wired for FWB relationships than others. Neither is wrong or bad.
Sit down with him and tell him you want to know how he sees this relationship and what he wants from it. Then you take your turn. If what you want is incompatible, neither of you is bad, but you should probably stop seeing each other. For you, especially, it sounds like it would be better if you do if he isn't in the same place you are and isn't interested in getting there.
posted by rtha at 2:52 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What it sounds like to me is that you've "upgraded" from FWB to casually dating. This is not the same thing as being boyfriend and girlfriend. He likely does not consider you his girlfriend. He has not told anyone that you are his girlfriend. He is happy with what you have, which is a "warmer" relationship than many FWB but quite shy of a relationship. He doesn't want the responsibility of a girlfriend. That's why he called it a "box."
You have the right, at any time, to ask for what you want and need. He also has the right to say that he can't give those things to you. If it makes you feel this uncomfortable, that you have to consciously think about how to act with this person, you really owe it to yourself to have this conversation about what the hell ya'll are and making a decision about whether you are really okay with the answer.
posted by sm1tten at 4:57 PM on November 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
You have the right, at any time, to ask for what you want and need. He also has the right to say that he can't give those things to you. If it makes you feel this uncomfortable, that you have to consciously think about how to act with this person, you really owe it to yourself to have this conversation about what the hell ya'll are and making a decision about whether you are really okay with the answer.
posted by sm1tten at 4:57 PM on November 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Women in our culture (and I speak from personal experience) are socialized to believe that the way to get what they want out of a relationship is though giving the other person what they want - in effect, earning affection and good treatment by being sweet and accommodating and low-maintenance. And then when women don't end up getting what they want, they often feel like it was because they did something wrong. However, this is bullshit. What that strategy actually does is give the dude the right to set the terms of the relationship in an essentially arbitrary and frequently unbalanced way. You don't deserve affection only if you go along with what he wants for long enough - you deserve affection always, because you are way too awesome to be with anyone who is not obviously delighted by you.
The way to get what you want in a relationship is to ask for it. If the other person is not willing to give it to you, it is not because you were wrong to ask, or asked too soon or in the wrong way, it is because you are not compatible partners. If the person you are with makes you feel bad for expressing your desires, or for even wanting anything in the first place, then that is also a sign that he is not the right partner for you.
And don't mix up the stress of having a difficult conversation with the fear that the conversation itself is what will ruin things - you cannot ruin any relationship worth being in by expressing your desire to be closer to the other person.
posted by unsub at 5:18 PM on November 10, 2013 [15 favorites]
The way to get what you want in a relationship is to ask for it. If the other person is not willing to give it to you, it is not because you were wrong to ask, or asked too soon or in the wrong way, it is because you are not compatible partners. If the person you are with makes you feel bad for expressing your desires, or for even wanting anything in the first place, then that is also a sign that he is not the right partner for you.
And don't mix up the stress of having a difficult conversation with the fear that the conversation itself is what will ruin things - you cannot ruin any relationship worth being in by expressing your desire to be closer to the other person.
posted by unsub at 5:18 PM on November 10, 2013 [15 favorites]
Best answer: It's a tool used to make you feel like you deserve nothing from a relationship other than sex and a bare minimum of attention.
Instead of attacking only the dude, direct it at the real culprit — the whole fucked up institution called FWB. That's the tool being used to diminish the absolutely legitimate desires of seemingly many more young women than men.
OP - sacrifice this current relationship for the promise and future oppty of a full relationship that makes you happy. Good luck.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:43 PM on November 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Instead of attacking only the dude, direct it at the real culprit — the whole fucked up institution called FWB. That's the tool being used to diminish the absolutely legitimate desires of seemingly many more young women than men.
OP - sacrifice this current relationship for the promise and future oppty of a full relationship that makes you happy. Good luck.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:43 PM on November 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I knew from the beginning that I would eventually develop feels
Some people are totally wired for FWB, others sometimes try to convince themselves they are, or that "this time will be different", but knowing going into it that it's not what you really want is just sabotaging your chances of meeting someone who will want to be your boyfriend. That's worth examining.
The bonus is, if you start to learn how to really listen to what you want and what you need, you will eventually also be able to tell when you meet someone who you really know you can do the FWB thing without the other attachments.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:16 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some people are totally wired for FWB, others sometimes try to convince themselves they are, or that "this time will be different", but knowing going into it that it's not what you really want is just sabotaging your chances of meeting someone who will want to be your boyfriend. That's worth examining.
The bonus is, if you start to learn how to really listen to what you want and what you need, you will eventually also be able to tell when you meet someone who you really know you can do the FWB thing without the other attachments.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:16 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Here's what you - and anyone else who imagines FWB is a thing should do: go to a gym and hang out by the squash courts. Watch people meet and talk with their squash buddies. They are friendly, but not typically friends. They say howdy, make a little small talk, play squash for a set period of time, and then they go their separate ways and don't look back.
They are not friends with court-time benefits. They are squash buddies. Keep that in mind.
Your current relationship, whatever it might be, is a mess and you are a mess. You need to talk to him. Maybe he's ready and eager to date. Maybe not. But you need to know where you stand. At this point, neither of you owes the other more than a frank conversation.
Good luck and be true to yourself.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:01 AM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
They are not friends with court-time benefits. They are squash buddies. Keep that in mind.
Your current relationship, whatever it might be, is a mess and you are a mess. You need to talk to him. Maybe he's ready and eager to date. Maybe not. But you need to know where you stand. At this point, neither of you owes the other more than a frank conversation.
Good luck and be true to yourself.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:01 AM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Just tell him what you want. "I want to be in a relationship with someone who values me and loves me and is crazy about me. FWB with us, as it is now, isn't giving me that. So, unless you value, love and are crazy about me, we need to end this so I can get what I want in a relationship. No hard feels."
Why are you selling yourself short? Do you think this is the best you can do? I'd rather be alone than in the kind of relationship you describe.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:16 AM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Why are you selling yourself short? Do you think this is the best you can do? I'd rather be alone than in the kind of relationship you describe.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:16 AM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The first step is to decide what it is you actually want. For example, more time together, calling yourself a couple, more hand-holding in public, etc. Or maybe less time spent watching TV, less time avoiding talking about whatever it is you two have.
Then, the next step is to sit him down and say "I want X, Y, Z, maybe a little Q and a helluva lot less R. Can you give me those things?". His response to this will give you your answer:
- he might say "no", in which case get back out there and date someone else (assuming you want to do that),
- he might say "yes" and then you guys continue as you are without changing, or,
- he might say "yes" and then change his ways to what you want and everything is rainbows and puppies.
It seems like you don't want the first option to happen, really want the third option to happen but will settle for the second. Which you can totally do if you want to, but it sounds like you're unhappy with that. Sit him down, both of you sober and calm (no alcohol or sex involved) and say what you want. Within a few minutes, you'll be able to tell where things are headed. If he does anything other than respond enthusiastically to your suggestion of some kind of formalised relationship, then start looking elsewhere.
It is always OK to ask for something in a relationship. This does not make you a nag. Nagging is when you either ignore or simply refuse to see what someone else is saying and keep asking them for something, when they've made it clear through actions or words that what you want isn't on the table. You haven't had the table conversation yet. Nagging will come into play when you've had the conversation, he's made it clear that things aren't going to change and you keep asking for it even though what you want is not on the table.
If this guy can't give you want you want, go out and find someone else who can. Unless you're OK with being in a relationship that you're not happy in. Life is too short to waste your time on things that aren't working for you. There are many people out there who can make you happy. If this guy can't do it, wave goodbye and go find someone who can.
Being alone is better than being unhappy.
posted by Solomon at 8:25 AM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Then, the next step is to sit him down and say "I want X, Y, Z, maybe a little Q and a helluva lot less R. Can you give me those things?". His response to this will give you your answer:
- he might say "no", in which case get back out there and date someone else (assuming you want to do that),
- he might say "yes" and then you guys continue as you are without changing, or,
- he might say "yes" and then change his ways to what you want and everything is rainbows and puppies.
It seems like you don't want the first option to happen, really want the third option to happen but will settle for the second. Which you can totally do if you want to, but it sounds like you're unhappy with that. Sit him down, both of you sober and calm (no alcohol or sex involved) and say what you want. Within a few minutes, you'll be able to tell where things are headed. If he does anything other than respond enthusiastically to your suggestion of some kind of formalised relationship, then start looking elsewhere.
It is always OK to ask for something in a relationship. This does not make you a nag. Nagging is when you either ignore or simply refuse to see what someone else is saying and keep asking them for something, when they've made it clear through actions or words that what you want isn't on the table. You haven't had the table conversation yet. Nagging will come into play when you've had the conversation, he's made it clear that things aren't going to change and you keep asking for it even though what you want is not on the table.
If this guy can't give you want you want, go out and find someone else who can. Unless you're OK with being in a relationship that you're not happy in. Life is too short to waste your time on things that aren't working for you. There are many people out there who can make you happy. If this guy can't do it, wave goodbye and go find someone who can.
Being alone is better than being unhappy.
posted by Solomon at 8:25 AM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Also, just to counter all the "women often want more" chat, there has been recent research on college campuses showing that on average both sexes would like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but also that everybody thinks that everybody *else* wants to keep things simple, just hook up, have fwb, etc. So there are probably plenty of nice guys at your school who would actually like to date you, and you just happen to be hanging with one who might or might not. Being on different wavelengths is pretty common, but the answer is to sigh and keep looking. Somebody on your wavelength is out there.
posted by acm at 9:21 AM on November 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by acm at 9:21 AM on November 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: you guys!! thanks so much, this is very helpful. It actually went a lot different/better than I'd expected. Thanks for giving me these things to think about!
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 9:38 AM on November 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 9:38 AM on November 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mazola at 12:10 PM on November 10, 2013 [1 favorite]