Who should say thank you?

November 9, 2013 9:09 AM

At checkout, the cashier hands you a coffee, you hand them money, they hand you change, then somebody says thank you and somebody says you're welcome. I'd like to know who you think should be the person to say thank you.

This has been an ongoing debate with a friend and I'd like to find out what MeFites think. The choices are:

a.) The employee says thank you and the customer says you're welcome.
b.) The customer says thank you and the employee says you're welcome.
c.) Both employee and customer thank each other.
d.) Something else.

What do you think is the acceptable scenario?

posted by smirkyfodder to Human Relations (56 answers total)

C is most acceptable, B is next acceptable. The cashier is the one providing the service, so the customer should say thank you. It would be weird for the customer to say 'you're welcome.'
posted by queens86 at 9:14 AM on November 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

You thank the person for their service, that person thanks you for your patronage.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:14 AM on November 9, 2013 [61 favorites]

Whoever gets to it first. I always thank cashiers and servers. Just because they're doing a job doesn't mean they don't get thanked. But if they thank me first, I just say, "You're welcome," smile, and move along because they don't really care about my torment over manners.

Everybody gets thanked.
posted by Aquifer at 9:16 AM on November 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

I tend to say, "Thank you!" if a service person thanks me, since I like them to know I appreciate them being of help.
posted by xingcat at 9:17 AM on November 9, 2013 [24 favorites]

Both really. But arguments can be made for 'a' or 'b' as well. Cashier says thank you for your patronage, customer says thank you for the service.

No wrong answer except 'dog'.
posted by edgeways at 9:22 AM on November 9, 2013

When I worked in retail I thanked the customer when they handed me the money, and/or at the end of the transaction - as in "thank you for the custom". They generally thanked me at the end, as in thanking me for the product/service received. Thank yous for everyone!
posted by billiebee at 9:22 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

I thank someone whenever they hand me something, so I say thank you when I'm handed my coffee. Usually I hear thank you when I give them the money, and then we close with "Have a good day," and "thanks, you too" (said by either party first).
posted by aspen1984 at 9:22 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

B, and C depending on the cashier's actions. The only time the customer might say "you're welcome" is when the owner happens to be serving you.
posted by squirbel at 9:23 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Service workers are serving you. You say thank you when someone serves you.
posted by latkes at 9:24 AM on November 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

d.) Whoever speaks first says "thank you." The other answers "thank you."
posted by Namlit at 9:29 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Where I'm from between taking the order, payment, and delivery of the order, both the customer and the cashier will thank each other at least 3 times.

Yes I'm from Canada.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 9:30 AM on November 9, 2013 [46 favorites]

C - both

My experience (in Washington DC and Chicago IL if that's at all relevant) is that cashiers usually complete a transaction saying "thank you, have a nice day" i.e. thanking you for your patronage.

This should not preclude you thanking the cashier when they either give you your purchased item or give you back your card/change.
posted by capricorn at 9:30 AM on November 9, 2013

If it weren't benefiting both parties, the transaction wouldn't happen at all. So, both.
posted by jon1270 at 9:33 AM on November 9, 2013 [8 favorites]

Both, absolutely
posted by omnigut at 9:38 AM on November 9, 2013

My response is always, "Thank you." (meaning sort of, 'the honor is mine', I guess) My neighborhood is full of super-polite people from a bunch of different cultures, so I tend to be on the over-thanking side.
posted by angrycat at 9:40 AM on November 9, 2013

Both, with no particular emphasis. Just like both people say sorry when one bumps into the other - social lubricant works best when both cogs are oiled.
posted by runincircles at 9:41 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Customer says "Thank you" and employee says "Have a nice day/afternoon/evening/night/weekend."
posted by jozxyqk at 9:43 AM on November 9, 2013

The problem is, there are actually two different etiquette questions here. For a cashier, thanking customers is often part of a customer-service script they're required or encouraged to follow as a condition of their job (implicitly or explicitly). This means that it's more like what's sometimes called "affective labor" or "emotional labor" than a genuinely meant, individual human interaction, and customers therefore shouldn't require it and shouldn't be very bothered, in general, if the thanks are omitted. On the other hand, for a customer, thanking a service worker for the service they're doing is a matter of acknowledging their shared humanity as a separate thing from the (usually inadequate) wage they're being paid for the labor. The best-case scenario is of course C, mutual politeness, but failing that the arguments are asymmetrical because the situation involves a social power differential: the ethical case for B is much stronger than the ethical case for A.
posted by RogerB at 9:44 AM on November 9, 2013 [28 favorites]

The "Thank you - You're welcome" exchange seems more appropriate when one person benefits but the other does not. Like if I pass the peas across the table to my aunt. I do not benefit in any way, so she should thank me, and I would say "you're welcome."

I always say thank you when someone hands me coffee food or drink, and they generally thank me when I pay. We are both giving something (labor or money) but we are both benefiting. Plus I am likely paying too much for coffee, they are likely underpaid and on their feet too much, so it seems important that we both be kind and thank each other.

Another vote for both.
posted by bunderful at 9:47 AM on November 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

Sorry, I realise that's not helpful.

1. Both should say thank you. Any interaction where one party has helped another is worthy of a "thank you".

In the instance when the money is handed over, the customer could thank the server for taking the money, for going through the process and so on.

Equally, the cashier could thank the customer for their patronage, or simply because when they make the call ("That'll be 60 cents please"), the customer has dutifully responded ("here you go"), and that's also worth a polite thank you.

2. I get the feeling this isn't going to help your argument. My "should" will be different to your "should". You could argue that there's only one person paid to be there (so why should they be thanked?). You could also argue that you should thank your servers out of respect for their willingness to do a menial job for your benefit.

As server and as customer I've thanked people every time. I just felt better about it when I was thanking the server. I felt like I had to thank the customer.
posted by omnigut at 9:47 AM on November 9, 2013

I change my answer to RogerB's.
posted by latkes at 9:56 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

There's a general routine that I'm familiar with which involves these parts.

- Notification of price: "That will be $X.YZ"
- Handing over of money: "Here you go"
- Giving of change: "Here's your change. Thanks."
- Acknowledgement of change, end of transaction, farewell: "Thanks, have a nice day"
- Response to farewell: "You too"

These can get compressed or expanded or altered depending on what is happening (side discussion of how to make debit card machine work "paper or plastic?" etc) Usually no one says you're welcome and everyone says thanks. I say thanks as the customer always. I am always thankful.
posted by jessamyn at 10:11 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

You thank the service provider when they hand you the item, because if you don't the spirit of my mother will torment you (this could just be me though and she's not even dead). If the service provider were to say thank you, in my mind the least weird spot is when handing the change/receipt back. I am Australian of English background though, so like Canadians tend to apologize to people that walk into me and say thanks about 3 times a transaction.
posted by wwax at 10:13 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

You as the customer should be the first person to say thank you after a service has been rendered because you are on the receiving end of that service and the person administering said service deserves to be appreciated.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:19 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

In my experience it seldom plays out the way you describe it. I order and pay, the cashier takes my money and often says thanks. sometime later the coffee is handed to me and I say thanks. firsties on who says 'have a great day!'
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:31 AM on November 9, 2013

There's more to it. What actually happens if they're adequately staffed and on top of things is that you'll place your order, someone else will set the coffee on the counter (at which point, you say thanks to them), you pay the original person (sometimes they say thanks for handing them your money or card), and when you get change (or even if you don't get change, if you pay by card), you give them a tip pretty much at the same time as you say thanks. Then they say thanks if they're not already doing too many other things to notice. The order in which the money transaction and the coffee-transferring transaction happen often varies.

Other times, if they're shorter-staffed but not too busy, you place your order, the person you place the order with turns around, gets your coffee, and puts it on the counter (at which point you say thank you), then they ring up the order and you give them your money or card (at which point sometimes they say thanks), then they give you change or a receipt (at which point they often say thanks, then you say thank you while dropping money in the tip jar, then they say thank you back).

And if they're really busy, what happens is that you place your order, they ring it up, you give them money or your card (and sometimes they say thanks), then they give you change or a receipt and you put money in the tip jar (at which point, if they're not already doing too many other things to notice, they say thanks), then you go stand around and wait for your coffee, and when they set it out, they'll say thank you, and you'll say thanks, or vice versa.

Anyway, the only acceptable scenario is one in which you tip.
posted by limeonaire at 10:49 AM on November 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

I pretty much thank anyone who provides a service to me, pays me, helps me, takes kind notice of me, completes a transaction with me, even if it involved an exchange of money -- and try not to get hung up on who owes what to whom.

It seems to me that the alternative is a world in which people feel that fact that they have given money for something entitles them to be a boor or empowers them to demand obesiance.

There is no negative outcome to too many people saying thanks to too many other people.
posted by Miko at 10:55 AM on November 9, 2013 [6 favorites]

If it's appropriate to say thanks for something that is appreciated, I would think that a service situation is one in which there is mutual appreciation (so, mutual thanks).
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:00 AM on November 9, 2013

Too many clerks don't say thank you. They should.
posted by Dansaman at 11:08 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

When I worked as a cashier I thanked people because I was required to by my company. When I talk to cashiers, I think them because I remember being in their position and how much it sucked.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:11 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

This is a "thing" in German, meaning Germans acknowledge it about themselves and foreigners/foreign-speakers affectionately make fun of them for it:

In German, "bitte" is the word for both "please" and "you're welcome". So exchanges like this basically go "Bitte bitte bitte bitte" back and forth.
posted by thebazilist at 11:14 AM on November 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's good I don't work in retail because if a customer ever said "you're welcome" after I said "thank you" I think I'd jump over the counter and punch them in the face. "You're welcome"—as if the entire transaction has been solely about the customer doing me a favor, that none of this would have even happened had I not feebly beseeched the customer to take action.

I guess what I'm saying is that I can only imagine (A) actually happening in real life if the customer was, like, Donald Trump wearing a top hat and a monocle.
posted by aparrish at 11:18 AM on November 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

You both say, "thanks," and the way to think about it is that you're thanking each other for different things. Them for your business, you for the product/service.
posted by rhizome at 11:32 AM on November 9, 2013

I am an actual cashier. I say thank you when the customer puts the items they want to purchase on the counter, thank them when they give me the payment and then again at the end of the transaction. Customers generally thank me at the end of the transaction, although people just walking off is not unheard of. If a customer is especially effusive about thanking me (>=2x per transaction) I might say "you're welcome" or "no problem", because it seems a little off to not acknowledge someone being that nice, but that rarely happens.

I think I'd be a bit weirded out if a customer said "you're welcome" to me. It implies that one person has benefited while the other has not, but both parties benefit in a sales transaction.

C is the most acceptable. Someone has done something for someone else, so the someone else should thank the someone.
posted by Solomon at 11:44 AM on November 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

C) Both. I base this on my own experience as a professional service provider. I spend four hours with a client. When I depart, I receive payment and say thank you as the check is handed to me. In most cases, the client almost always simultaneously thanks me for the expertise I've provided as I am thanking them during the payment handoff. Sometimes it is spoken, sometimes not, but it is understood that I am thanking them for continuing to employ my services and they are thanking me for the benefits of the provided service. It is a mutually-beneficial arrangement, so thanks are required of both.

In an exchange of goods for payment, with the coffee, the cashier is providing the service while the establishment is providing the product. You pay money for the product, you give thanks for the service (including making change). The cashier thanks you for your patronage.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:45 AM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Both should thank. Neither should reply "no problem."
posted by Snerd at 11:46 AM on November 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

Both people typically thank each other as a social lubricant in North American culture. Nobody is truly thanking anybody for anything; it's just a social custom. There are cultures where both the service provider and customer are respectful of each other as people, without uttering thanks.
posted by pravit at 12:12 PM on November 9, 2013

Ideefixe: You thank the person for their service, that person thanks you for your patronage.

This seems clearly right to me.

OTOH, has anybody else noticed the plague of 'thanks's...or is it just me?

I find myself and others thanking people almost automatically for all sorts of things where thanks just don't make any sense...I've found myself saying 'thanks' when I'm the one who's doing the favor...I've found myself saying 'thanks' to friends and family after ordinary exchanges on the phone where 'thanks' isn't plausibly appropriate...it's weirdly embarrassing, and I've noticed others doing it, too.

I'm not even worried about devaluing thanks...it just seems dopey, awkward, and wrong when it happens.
posted by Fists O'Fury at 12:17 PM on November 9, 2013

I roll with the situation:
If I get to the 'thank you' first the cashier or server usually says 'have a nice day/evening/etc'
If the cashier says 'Thank you' first I usually say "you too! Have a great day."

Being polite costs nothing. You are either thanking someone for their patronage of your establishment or you are thanking someone for the service they have provided. Either or both work.
posted by HMSSM at 12:21 PM on November 9, 2013

Both the cashier and customer should say thank you. I usually think timing wise it ends up making more sense for the cashier to say thank you when he/she hands you the receipt or item, and then the customer to also reply "thank you". However, I often find where I live (Chicago) it often doesn't happen this way (and often does), but the cashier hands you the receipt absentmindedly, not even looking at you, and seeming like they are already done with you, then I say thank you, and sometimes they say thank you or something in response, but often don't even seem to notice. You then end up feeling, as a customer, both invisible, and like you just bothered them by coming up to the counter to buy something and requiring their effort to do so.
posted by Blitz at 12:39 PM on November 9, 2013

As a cashier: generally I say thank you to the person when they pay cash, then they thank me when I give them their change, to which I reply "you're welcome, have a nice day, etc". BUT this is messed up when they pay with a card, as most people do. Then, I tell them the price, to put their card into the machine, they pay, I give them their receipt and their bag, they say thank you.

My manager once said she didn't want us to say "have a nice day" and to instead say "thanks for coming in" and I never managed to make "thanks" - "you're welcome/no, thank you!" into a non-awkward interaction.
posted by hepta at 1:07 PM on November 9, 2013

B. I am pleased to get my coffee, plus I like to be polite to people who are making me food or have a menial job. I don't particularly care that they thank me for paying for something I've ordered. They are serving me, so that seems weird, even if I am paying for it. Why would the person doing the work for someone else need to thank them? I thank the driver when I get off the bus or out of a taxi too, and it would be strange if they thanked me (not that I mind).
posted by oneirodynia at 1:09 PM on November 9, 2013

I thank the person working there for their help. Expecting that they should be thanking me for my business on behalf of the company they are working for seems a bit dehumanizing.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:50 PM on November 9, 2013

Fwiw our managers trained us never to say, "You're welcome" if the customer says thanks; instead we pause long enough for them to say thank you first, and then hit them with the ole two-part goodbye: "Thank you! Have a nice day!" High-five each other under the cash wrap for a job well done.
posted by book 'em dano at 1:50 PM on November 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's really only well-trained little kids who say, "You're welcome" to the cashier.
posted by book 'em dano at 1:52 PM on November 9, 2013 [6 favorites]

i always say "thank you" and i don't care if they say anything in return or not.
posted by bruce at 5:06 PM on November 9, 2013

It doesn't matter who goes first, just keep the traffic moving.
posted by tel3path at 6:34 PM on November 9, 2013

Looks like I'm the odd one out here. In my opinion replying to "thank you" with "thank you" is one of the signs of the imminent apocalypse. The only proper response to "thank you" is "you're welcome", and anyone who says otherwise is a savage who was raised by wolves*. I don't care who says it first, just no double "thank you".

Get off my lawn &c.

*People who are forbidden by their employers from saying "you're welcome" excepted. What is wrong with these employers?
posted by medusa at 7:05 PM on November 9, 2013

Best answer: no double "thank you"

It's not a new thing. When, in the 70s, I was taught as a young child to go to parties, you were to talk to the host when leaving. When they said "So glad you came/thank you for coming," you said "thank you for having me." The trope goes back a long way and you can see it on TV. Saying "you're welcome" when someone thanks you for your attendance or patronage can seem extremely arrogant.

You're welcome.
posted by Miko at 7:55 PM on November 9, 2013 [8 favorites]

Best answer: "You're welcome" is patronizing in equal exchanges.

You respond to "thank you" with "thank you." Or with a nod of your head. It's just "thank you" / "you're welcome" overcorrection that's causing the confusion here.
posted by 256 at 9:23 PM on November 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

Was a barista in high school. Worked my way through college in retail. Double thank yous are the way to go. It implies that both people got something out of the interaction and appreciated it. And as Miko points out, it's not a new way of doing things at all, nor is its appropriateness strictly limited to a retail context.
posted by BlueJae at 9:48 PM on November 9, 2013

I say thank you whenever I'm physically taking something from somebody, because otherwise it feels like grabbing. The other person will signal that they know I'm not snatching, usually by smiling or maybe saying something friendly as they hand me the thing. That interaction is me asking permission (to take something) and the person giving me permission (and giving me the thing), it's not the type of gift-giving interaction where "Thank you/You're welcome" is appropriate.

In a transaction most people also finish with the business version of "Thank you [for coming]"/"Thank you [for having me]," aka "Thank you [for your patronage]"/"Thank you [for your service]." I think that kind of exchange is warm and polite -- I don't see anything dehumanizing in it. In that case, substituting "you're welcome" for "thank you" is an especially weird/awkward/off-putting substitution, to me, because it leaves one person un-thanked when they would have expected to be.

Even though people might say thank you multiple times during the transaction, I don't think any of them are double thank yous, because each person is thanking the other for a different thing each time. No single act is thanked for multiple times, let alone by the same person.

Cashier says thank you when: handed the product being bought, handed money/cc, to thank the customer for their business.
Customer says thank you when: handed change/cc receipt, handed the [bagged] product, to thank the cashier for her service.

In my opinion, none of those thank yous are of the type that should be responded to with "you're welcome."
posted by rue72 at 12:18 AM on November 10, 2013

Staff: Here's your basket of wet frogs, just as requested, madam.
Customer: Excellent. Thanks for your help.
Staff: My pleasure, madam. Have a great day.

The customer thanks the clerk, and the clerk says, 'my pleasure'. At least, that's how we did it when I ran a wet frog shop.
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 4:28 AM on November 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think c is the most common/acceptable, so much so that when I used to work retail I caught myself responding to "thank you" with "thank you" even in instances where it made no sense, like if I had just given someone a present.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:10 AM on November 11, 2013

[if customer thanks first]
cashier: "You're welcome; thanks for coming in."

[if cashier thanks first]
customer: "You're welcome; thanks for your help."
posted by straight at 10:48 AM on November 11, 2013

As the customer, and as a person who rarely uses cash, I tend to say "thanks" or "thank you" when (a) being told I can insert my card, or (b) being handing my bag or receipt. I tend to receive a thanks or thank-you at the end, to which I reply either "thank *you*!" or "great/thanks [acknowledging what they've just handed me], you have a good one/day/night/weekend!".

I have had occasion to say "you're welcome" or "not a problem" when something unusual happens, like they knock something off the counter before scanning it and I'm the one who picks it up, or if I bag my own stuff in a situation where that's not normal.

I also say "thanks so much!" or "thank you kindly!", the latter of which is half Due South reference, half from the business letter sign-off of "thank you for your kind attention to this matter." I am Canadian, so obviously I have a repertoire of polite responses ;)

At the end of the day, however, I think it's the inflection that matters the most. There's not much point to muttering "thanks" over your shoulder as you walk away. Eye contact and if possible, a smile are also helpful.
posted by sarahkeebs at 9:58 PM on November 19, 2013