How do you deal with a guy who has fear of commitment.
November 6, 2013 9:04 AM Subscribe
I am dating a guy for 6 months and we are super open. We moved in together. We love each other. I think he is afraid of commitment and marriage. Although he said clearly that he wants to get married and have kids, it is clear that not now. He wants to save and then jump in marriage. Although I don't have a problem with this, and he is only 26, do you think that 3 years is really going to change him or he will say the same thing. I want a family and just going to find another guy is not the option because I did that and you know what? A relationship builds in time. I am not willing to start from scratch again and again. I don't want to be looking my whole life. I am a profesional with a great career. My bf keeps saying that I am great, he loves me a ton, but my question is will e commit one day? What will make him change? Should I do something?
You guys have only been together for six months. Are you 100% certain you want to marry HIM? Probably not, right? Give yourselves more time to think about marriage & kids while you get to know each other better.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:10 AM on November 6, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:10 AM on November 6, 2013 [6 favorites]
Saying you love someone is commitment. Moving in together is commitment. Marriage is also commitment, but it is not the only commitment. If someone's made several steps in that direction, talking about them as "afraid of commitment" seems to be painting the whole thing as a very black-and-white situation. It is, at any rate, totally normal in this day and age for marriage to not be on the table until you've been with someone for 2-3 years. If he wakes up in a cold sweat from nightmares about getting married, then sure, say he's afraid of getting married, but otherwise, yeah, no.
posted by Sequence at 9:11 AM on November 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 9:11 AM on November 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
None of us knows your boyfriend.
I personally do not understand how you guys have been dating (openly) for 6 months and living together already and you are considering marriage, but hey, I'm not you and there's no such thing as normal so I'm not gonna judge. Just saying that to me this relationship you've got sounds kind of complicated and...rushed. Premature, maybe. I don't know.
Anyway, you're really going to have to talk to him about this. Really. If it's important to you that the relationship you're in right now may eventually lead to marriage, you need to tell him that. Have a sit-down come-to-jesus moment and discuss it. If he can't say with certainty that he wants to commit to you, if that's what you're looking for, you should be prepared to walk away.
If this is the same guy you've asked questions about before, I think it would be wise to take a BIG step back, live separately for a while, and work on being you outside of a relationship. It seems to me like you're looking to this guy to fulfill a specific role/need in your life, and he is just not ready to fill it. But you really can't know that unless you talk to him about it.
posted by phunniemee at 9:12 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
I personally do not understand how you guys have been dating (openly) for 6 months and living together already and you are considering marriage, but hey, I'm not you and there's no such thing as normal so I'm not gonna judge. Just saying that to me this relationship you've got sounds kind of complicated and...rushed. Premature, maybe. I don't know.
Anyway, you're really going to have to talk to him about this. Really. If it's important to you that the relationship you're in right now may eventually lead to marriage, you need to tell him that. Have a sit-down come-to-jesus moment and discuss it. If he can't say with certainty that he wants to commit to you, if that's what you're looking for, you should be prepared to walk away.
If this is the same guy you've asked questions about before, I think it would be wise to take a BIG step back, live separately for a while, and work on being you outside of a relationship. It seems to me like you're looking to this guy to fulfill a specific role/need in your life, and he is just not ready to fill it. But you really can't know that unless you talk to him about it.
posted by phunniemee at 9:12 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Sorry, but...
Nobody can ever tell you the future, psychics aren't real. You're just going to have to make the best decision for you NOW, with the information you have, and work towards/hope for the best.
That said: I don't understand why you think your BF is afraid of commitment because he won't marry you after dating 6 months. That's not a fear of commitment, that's being mature and making a good relationship decision.
You barely even know him; he barely even knows you. My BF and I have been dating twice as long. We don't live together. We have never ever ever even SAID the word marriage. Shit, we don't even say "I love you," because we are people who move slowly. But neither of us is "Afraid" of commitment, we just aren't ready to get married because we have only known each other one year! I have cans of soup older than my relationship!
Your relationship is bran-spankin' new. Chill out. Enjoy it. Figure out why you are in a state of abject panic and solve THAT problem before you even THINK the word "marriage" again.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:12 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Nobody can ever tell you the future, psychics aren't real. You're just going to have to make the best decision for you NOW, with the information you have, and work towards/hope for the best.
That said: I don't understand why you think your BF is afraid of commitment because he won't marry you after dating 6 months. That's not a fear of commitment, that's being mature and making a good relationship decision.
You barely even know him; he barely even knows you. My BF and I have been dating twice as long. We don't live together. We have never ever ever even SAID the word marriage. Shit, we don't even say "I love you," because we are people who move slowly. But neither of us is "Afraid" of commitment, we just aren't ready to get married because we have only known each other one year! I have cans of soup older than my relationship!
Your relationship is bran-spankin' new. Chill out. Enjoy it. Figure out why you are in a state of abject panic and solve THAT problem before you even THINK the word "marriage" again.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:12 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
I am looking through your past AskMe history, and there's a lot of good advice there that might be good guidance for you at this stage as well.
You also give yourself some good advice: "A relationship builds in time."
Give yourself some time. You are focusing a lot on the destination. If you are enjoying your time with the bf, it's time well spent. Take time to enjoy the journey and see where it takes you.
posted by mochapickle at 9:18 AM on November 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
You also give yourself some good advice: "A relationship builds in time."
Give yourself some time. You are focusing a lot on the destination. If you are enjoying your time with the bf, it's time well spent. Take time to enjoy the journey and see where it takes you.
posted by mochapickle at 9:18 AM on November 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
On reviewing your Ask history:
After dating this guy for three months you called him "Emotionally Unavailable" because you weren't yet best friends with his mom/family.
Shortly before the relationship you were asking how to solve codependency and smothering anxiety.
Shortly before that you asked how to stop being obsessive and possessive of a different boyfriend entirely.
It's a cliche on Metafilter but for a reason: therapy. You seem to be suffering from tremendously overwhelming anxiety about relationships, and as a result you seem to want to rush your partners into commitment because you think that once you are married it will finally stop your anxiety. It won't. Only you, with dedicated self-exploration and effort and possibly medication, can stop your anxiety.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:22 AM on November 6, 2013 [90 favorites]
After dating this guy for three months you called him "Emotionally Unavailable" because you weren't yet best friends with his mom/family.
Shortly before the relationship you were asking how to solve codependency and smothering anxiety.
Shortly before that you asked how to stop being obsessive and possessive of a different boyfriend entirely.
It's a cliche on Metafilter but for a reason: therapy. You seem to be suffering from tremendously overwhelming anxiety about relationships, and as a result you seem to want to rush your partners into commitment because you think that once you are married it will finally stop your anxiety. It won't. Only you, with dedicated self-exploration and effort and possibly medication, can stop your anxiety.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:22 AM on November 6, 2013 [90 favorites]
Six months. You've never even seen this guy in wintertime. You don't know how he deals with Christmas stress. That's a short enough time that you've likely not taken any big trips together, or dealt with a situation where one partner was very ill, or suffered any big personal setbacks that the other partner had to help you cope with...
You do not know this person well enough to marry them. I don't care if you have the best relationship in the history of the universe- you do not know them well enough to marry them.
I do know one thing: if this relationship fails, there is a good change it will be because you began demanding a lifelong commitment from your boyfriend after half a year. I, myself, would be super freaked out if a partner behaved the way you seem to be behaving.
You've got a good guy. He moved in with you. Everything is fine! Relax, enjoy getting closer to him, and FORGET ABOUT MARRIAGE for the next year.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:27 AM on November 6, 2013 [6 favorites]
You do not know this person well enough to marry them. I don't care if you have the best relationship in the history of the universe- you do not know them well enough to marry them.
I do know one thing: if this relationship fails, there is a good change it will be because you began demanding a lifelong commitment from your boyfriend after half a year. I, myself, would be super freaked out if a partner behaved the way you seem to be behaving.
You've got a good guy. He moved in with you. Everything is fine! Relax, enjoy getting closer to him, and FORGET ABOUT MARRIAGE for the next year.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:27 AM on November 6, 2013 [6 favorites]
Have you finished college?
Do you have a full time job/career?
Do you have health insurance?
Do you have a savings plan? is there 6-12 months of living expenses in your savings account?
Does BF have a full time job? Career? Health insurance? A retirement/savings plan?
Is your employment secure?
Do you have similar economic, cultural, ethnic, educational backgrounds?
do you have a history of successful relationships and/or does he?
Are your parents divorced and/or are his?
Do you have any substance abuse tendencies and/or does he?
Are you both established and stable in your lives and community?
Many of these questions are adult-area questions. If they look unfamiliar and/or unexplored, then perhaps fear of commitment from a 6 month boyfriend is a premature issue, if it even exists.
Steps in the process, if you want it to be successful:
A) Grow up. - babies and commitment are REALLY long term. Make sure you are ready.
B) Get ready - if you aren't dealing well with an adult, wait until you have to deal with kids.
C) Chill - Six months may be a sizable percentage of your age, but most of us debate that long on what cellphone plan to buy.
D) Get smart - why do you choose who you choose and why do they choose you? If you can't exactly answer that, your emotional level is low. it needs to improve.
E) Get sober - infatuation is drunkenness. do not make decisions while drunk.
I hope a lot of people read your question. It's an illustration of how people teeter on the edge of disaster when the body is mature and the mind less so. In my own family experience, I have seen train wreck after train wreck because the youthful participants didn't know what all those knobs and valves were. Patience is the best thing you can practice right now. Time will let you get smarter, but a mad rush into a relationship where "love" is used after 6 months is almost certain to get you unhappy.
I really wish you good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 9:31 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Do you have a full time job/career?
Do you have health insurance?
Do you have a savings plan? is there 6-12 months of living expenses in your savings account?
Does BF have a full time job? Career? Health insurance? A retirement/savings plan?
Is your employment secure?
Do you have similar economic, cultural, ethnic, educational backgrounds?
do you have a history of successful relationships and/or does he?
Are your parents divorced and/or are his?
Do you have any substance abuse tendencies and/or does he?
Are you both established and stable in your lives and community?
Many of these questions are adult-area questions. If they look unfamiliar and/or unexplored, then perhaps fear of commitment from a 6 month boyfriend is a premature issue, if it even exists.
Steps in the process, if you want it to be successful:
A) Grow up. - babies and commitment are REALLY long term. Make sure you are ready.
B) Get ready - if you aren't dealing well with an adult, wait until you have to deal with kids.
C) Chill - Six months may be a sizable percentage of your age, but most of us debate that long on what cellphone plan to buy.
D) Get smart - why do you choose who you choose and why do they choose you? If you can't exactly answer that, your emotional level is low. it needs to improve.
E) Get sober - infatuation is drunkenness. do not make decisions while drunk.
I hope a lot of people read your question. It's an illustration of how people teeter on the edge of disaster when the body is mature and the mind less so. In my own family experience, I have seen train wreck after train wreck because the youthful participants didn't know what all those knobs and valves were. Patience is the best thing you can practice right now. Time will let you get smarter, but a mad rush into a relationship where "love" is used after 6 months is almost certain to get you unhappy.
I really wish you good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 9:31 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
There is nothing here, I repeat, nothing here, that indicates he has a fear of commitment. In fact, he's exactly the opposite, because after only six months, he has already moved in with you and openly talked about marriage.
The person who needs to change is you, not your boyfriend. Look at your previous questions here. You were asking how to solve codependency and smothering anxiety. You are repeating the same mistakes, and that is what is going to make your boyfriend want to leave someday.
Help yourself now, or will never get what you want.
posted by spaltavian at 9:38 AM on November 6, 2013 [22 favorites]
The person who needs to change is you, not your boyfriend. Look at your previous questions here. You were asking how to solve codependency and smothering anxiety. You are repeating the same mistakes, and that is what is going to make your boyfriend want to leave someday.
Help yourself now, or will never get what you want.
posted by spaltavian at 9:38 AM on November 6, 2013 [22 favorites]
My bf keeps saying that I am great, he loves me a ton, but my question is will e commit one day?
Possibly. To you? Perhaps.
What will make him change?
Time. Circumstance.
Should I do something?
Not if you want him to commit, no. He has (apparently) told you that he is not ready to commit yet. There is nothing you can do to push him toward commitment, and dozens, nay, hundreds of things you can do to push him away from commitment, or at least away from commitment to you.
Nth'ing the advice above to get your own head on straight before you move forward.
posted by Etrigan at 9:39 AM on November 6, 2013
Possibly. To you? Perhaps.
What will make him change?
Time. Circumstance.
Should I do something?
Not if you want him to commit, no. He has (apparently) told you that he is not ready to commit yet. There is nothing you can do to push him toward commitment, and dozens, nay, hundreds of things you can do to push him away from commitment, or at least away from commitment to you.
Nth'ing the advice above to get your own head on straight before you move forward.
posted by Etrigan at 9:39 AM on November 6, 2013
What will make him change? Should I do something?
I would suggest not trying to do this. Give him the freedom to be his own person, while letting him know what values are important to you. Then have a very honest talk about where you both are now, versus where you may see yourselves in the future.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:42 AM on November 6, 2013
I would suggest not trying to do this. Give him the freedom to be his own person, while letting him know what values are important to you. Then have a very honest talk about where you both are now, versus where you may see yourselves in the future.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:42 AM on November 6, 2013
I used to have an ettiquette book that said a young man shouldn't court a girl for longer than six months without proposing, because he'd be both wasting her time and keeping away more serious suitors.
That book was written in 1915.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:42 AM on November 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
That book was written in 1915.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:42 AM on November 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
Not to pile on, but I think you have some really unreasonable expectations of this guy. You guys have been moving at a really accelerated rate (moved in after six months is fast in my books) but it still isn't enough for you. Do you honestly think that if he said today "Yes, I absolutely 100% want to marry you in three years, barexamfreak." that you would then feel better and be able to relax and wait those couple of years before he is ready to "jump in"? I'm thinking, no, you wouldn't. My guess is that you'd then be pushing for an immediate proposal ("If you know you're going to do it eventually, just do it now!" argument comes to mind) and then to have the wedding happen ASAP and then babies and buying a house and and and and.... Maybe I'm being unfair, but then again, maybe I'm not.
Step back. Step way back.
This isn't about him at all, this is 100% about you. This isn't about his fear of commitment (which it sounds like he does not have even in the slightest degree). This is about your fear of being alone, your feelings of insecurity. The sad thing is that your behaviour is very possibly going to create the situation you are so desperate to avoid (being single/alone).
Think about WHY you need everything to happen so quickly. Think about WHY you feel that a relationship is some sort of race. Think about WHY being in a relationship and being married is such an urgent thing for you. Does not being married make you feel like a failure? Does it make you worse at your job? Does it make you a worse friend? Does it make you a lesser person?
I really hope you can work through this. I am sending you my best wishes.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:46 AM on November 6, 2013 [9 favorites]
Step back. Step way back.
This isn't about him at all, this is 100% about you. This isn't about his fear of commitment (which it sounds like he does not have even in the slightest degree). This is about your fear of being alone, your feelings of insecurity. The sad thing is that your behaviour is very possibly going to create the situation you are so desperate to avoid (being single/alone).
Think about WHY you need everything to happen so quickly. Think about WHY you feel that a relationship is some sort of race. Think about WHY being in a relationship and being married is such an urgent thing for you. Does not being married make you feel like a failure? Does it make you worse at your job? Does it make you a worse friend? Does it make you a lesser person?
I really hope you can work through this. I am sending you my best wishes.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:46 AM on November 6, 2013 [9 favorites]
Best answer: On reviewing some of your responses to previous AskMe's, I noticed you said your were Romanian. What you have here is a cultural difference! It is not usual for Americans to be talking about marriage so early. Many people date for many years before moving in together, or even talking about marriage. Your boyfriend is even more comfortable with commitment than many others his age.
Please don't let your family's expectations pressure you into believing that this is a problem -- even if they are worried and this is not normal for them, it is normal for the person you're with, and for Americans.
I'm Ukranian, and every time I visited back home, my family and friends would ask when I was going to get married -- as early as 18! When I got a boyfriend, everyone would wonder why I wasn't married yet, and why I didn't have children -- was something wrong with me? Sometimes by the end of the trip I would start wondering that, too; "Is something wrong with me? Should I get married?" When I'd come back to America, those expectations would shake off like a dream, and I would think, "My god, was I really thinking about getting married?"
Culture is very powerful! But, don't let it strain the relationship between you and your guy, who sounds like he is committed to you, by American standards.
posted by Pwoink at 9:46 AM on November 6, 2013 [26 favorites]
Please don't let your family's expectations pressure you into believing that this is a problem -- even if they are worried and this is not normal for them, it is normal for the person you're with, and for Americans.
I'm Ukranian, and every time I visited back home, my family and friends would ask when I was going to get married -- as early as 18! When I got a boyfriend, everyone would wonder why I wasn't married yet, and why I didn't have children -- was something wrong with me? Sometimes by the end of the trip I would start wondering that, too; "Is something wrong with me? Should I get married?" When I'd come back to America, those expectations would shake off like a dream, and I would think, "My god, was I really thinking about getting married?"
Culture is very powerful! But, don't let it strain the relationship between you and your guy, who sounds like he is committed to you, by American standards.
posted by Pwoink at 9:46 AM on November 6, 2013 [26 favorites]
Best answer: Instead of therapy, I would recommend finding resources for Eastern European members of the diaspora -- maybe you can find online forums, or if you live in a large enough city there might be cultural centers and other gathering places. You can find other women who have had to deal with these differences in their own relationships, from whom you can get a better idea of what is normal, and how to navigate other differences in cultural expectations in the future.
posted by Pwoink at 9:51 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Pwoink at 9:51 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Just something to think about: if commitment is the issue here, maybe the problem is not on his side (fear) but on yours (rushing things). Both can be very detrimental to a good relationship. Try and work on your side of things. Unless proof of the contrary, enjoy the relationship as it evolves and don't rush it. My now husband and I entered into our relationship assuming that marriage and kids would be in our possible future, and we still took two years to know each other before getting married.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:57 AM on November 6, 2013
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:57 AM on November 6, 2013
After only 6 months of dating you are now living together. This isn't necessarily too fast, but it sure as hell doesn't show fear of commitment. Since he's only 26 I can understand why he'd want to hit pause on creating a family for a couple of years.
"How do you deal with a guy who has fear of commitment?"
You don't... Not if a committed relationship is your goal.
"just going to find another guy is not the option "
Then why bother asking this question? If you're not going to leave him no matter what then there's no reason for him to be committed to you. What are the consequences for him if he doesn't? apparently none.
"A relationship builds in time. I am not willing to start from scratch again and again."
Again... then why bother asking this question? It seems to me what you really meant to ask is- How do I get a man to marry me even though he doesn't want to? The answer to that is simple. You can't. And quite frankly why would you want a man who you have to strong arm into marriage anyway? Not to sound harsh or anything... but it seems to me you're pushing this relationship as fast as it can go to achieve YOUR ultimate goal and not really taking his much into consideration. A guy is not your means to a baby and wife-dom. He is a person with needs of his own just like you. I think you need to explore your real motivations and fears a little more.
I also think what you said reads: I want kids and I know my biological clock is ticking. I would hate to waste 3 of my most fertile years on a relationship that didn't go anywhere- This is an understandable concern for a woman. If marriage and kids is your goal I'm not sure living together is such a good idea. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? But so far from what you've said, I don't see him as fearing commitment so much as just wanting to be financially ready for fatherhood and marriage, which only proves he has a good head on his shoulders.
posted by manderin at 10:07 AM on November 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
"How do you deal with a guy who has fear of commitment?"
You don't... Not if a committed relationship is your goal.
"just going to find another guy is not the option "
Then why bother asking this question? If you're not going to leave him no matter what then there's no reason for him to be committed to you. What are the consequences for him if he doesn't? apparently none.
"A relationship builds in time. I am not willing to start from scratch again and again."
Again... then why bother asking this question? It seems to me what you really meant to ask is- How do I get a man to marry me even though he doesn't want to? The answer to that is simple. You can't. And quite frankly why would you want a man who you have to strong arm into marriage anyway? Not to sound harsh or anything... but it seems to me you're pushing this relationship as fast as it can go to achieve YOUR ultimate goal and not really taking his much into consideration. A guy is not your means to a baby and wife-dom. He is a person with needs of his own just like you. I think you need to explore your real motivations and fears a little more.
I also think what you said reads: I want kids and I know my biological clock is ticking. I would hate to waste 3 of my most fertile years on a relationship that didn't go anywhere- This is an understandable concern for a woman. If marriage and kids is your goal I'm not sure living together is such a good idea. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? But so far from what you've said, I don't see him as fearing commitment so much as just wanting to be financially ready for fatherhood and marriage, which only proves he has a good head on his shoulders.
posted by manderin at 10:07 AM on November 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I just read the part about you being from Romania. Oops. Very different culture.
posted by manderin at 10:15 AM on November 6, 2013
posted by manderin at 10:15 AM on November 6, 2013
You ask can you do something. I suggest you take the focus off relationships and focus on something else. I really regret the degree to which I prioritized relationships when I was younger. None of the intimate relationships I prioritized, agonized about, and focused on panned out the way I wanted -- even those that lasted. Even those that produced children! What a waste of emotional energy! And that's not to say don't have relationships, but please stop making them the center of your life. Relationships happen. You will not be left out if you stop obsessing. Much better to focus on furthering your career, or learning to play a musical instrument, or making your own clothes, or developing a great group of friends. Those things will produce concrete and enduring benefits; worrying about relationships will not. It is simply a myth that being married is the ticket to happiness. Look around you at the reality, not the fairy tale. By all means let a fabulous relationship develop organically should one show up, but stop trying to force things!
posted by summer sock at 10:34 AM on November 6, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by summer sock at 10:34 AM on November 6, 2013 [6 favorites]
Two cents from a much older person: I would say that on average, 26 is way too young to get married anyway.
Feel free to ignore this advice.
posted by freakazoid at 11:34 AM on November 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
Feel free to ignore this advice.
posted by freakazoid at 11:34 AM on November 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
Take a step back here, and relax. Enjoy this relationship. As others have said it really appears that your man is definitely showing signs of commitment. Moving in together after 6 months....can't get much more of a confirmation of commitment then that. As far as the future....I think for now you guys should continue along the path and direction you're going. At this point, both of you are in what I like to call the "test run" stage. You're living together but not married. Trust me this is the best way to do it if you ever do plan on marrying each other. This is your opportunity to learn everything there is to know about each other and to see if you can live "together". My wife and I moved in together pretty quickly as well. For me moving in was definitely that first step before marriage. I wanted to see what it would be like living with her...see how things go. Fortunately things went well and we got engaged not too long after moving in together. But that being said I could have easily waited much longer. I think it's best to spend at least a year together before even considering marriage. Right now you're at six months. Which is usually the point where people start showing their true colors. You're living together now...it will be impossible for the two of you to hide certain things. This is good...you'll get to know the real "yous". So...while nobody can predict the future I'd say your boyfriend has given the silent signal of "yes I would consider marrying you in the future...maybe near maybe far". And the rest...who knows. I say for now just go with the flow.
posted by ljs30 at 11:38 AM on November 6, 2013
posted by ljs30 at 11:38 AM on November 6, 2013
Like some others here, I've looked back quickly at your prior questions and I'm going to echo what others have said in another thread.
You're an adult child of an alcoholic. You didn't choose it, but you can't change it. And that fact makes you more prone to certain ways of looking at the world and expecting certain things of others.
Having an alcoholic parent frames a whole lot of what you expect out of others and out of life, and it could easily be the root cause of much of your anxiety and insecurity in your relationships. It's important to get in touch with how this has set your expectations and understand why you do what you do. Al-Anon is a great resource for this - it's easy to find meetings, they are very welcoming for newcomers, it won't cost you money, and if you're comfortable with it, it can really help you manage this stuff. If nothing else, it will help you realize that lots of other ACOAs struggle with exactly the same things you are struggling with and they are willing to share their stories, which could help you.
FWIW, your bf does not sound to me like someone who has a fear of commitment. However, he may not understand why you are expecting what you are expecting, or doing what you are doing. If you can get a better understanding of your own behavior through al-anon, then you can express to him where you're coming from, and you'll both be able to really communicate clearly. This will be important to do for the long-term viability of your relationship.
Remember, the strongest relationships in the world are not between two perfect people; they are between two people who understand one another, respect one another, and are honest with one another. He probably won't be able to understand you until you understand yourself. Al-anon can really help you do that. Tackle that first.
posted by Pliskie at 1:25 PM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
You're an adult child of an alcoholic. You didn't choose it, but you can't change it. And that fact makes you more prone to certain ways of looking at the world and expecting certain things of others.
Having an alcoholic parent frames a whole lot of what you expect out of others and out of life, and it could easily be the root cause of much of your anxiety and insecurity in your relationships. It's important to get in touch with how this has set your expectations and understand why you do what you do. Al-Anon is a great resource for this - it's easy to find meetings, they are very welcoming for newcomers, it won't cost you money, and if you're comfortable with it, it can really help you manage this stuff. If nothing else, it will help you realize that lots of other ACOAs struggle with exactly the same things you are struggling with and they are willing to share their stories, which could help you.
FWIW, your bf does not sound to me like someone who has a fear of commitment. However, he may not understand why you are expecting what you are expecting, or doing what you are doing. If you can get a better understanding of your own behavior through al-anon, then you can express to him where you're coming from, and you'll both be able to really communicate clearly. This will be important to do for the long-term viability of your relationship.
Remember, the strongest relationships in the world are not between two perfect people; they are between two people who understand one another, respect one another, and are honest with one another. He probably won't be able to understand you until you understand yourself. Al-anon can really help you do that. Tackle that first.
posted by Pliskie at 1:25 PM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Six months is too soon to get married. I wouldn't recommend getting married until you've been intimate for at least a year. You need a while to get to know the whole person and not just the face of the person who is dizzy with love.
At some point, your SO does need to make up his mind. It is unfortunately quite common for a woman to get stuck waiting for years for a proposal, that sometimes never comes. Your concern is understandable. But pushing for a decision up his mind at six months, or even a year, is too soon. Drawing a line sometime around two years is not unreasonable.
Consider moving out, and back to your own place. You don't have to break up to do this. I think it's usually a mistake to move in with someone if you want to get married eventually. It's too easy. It lets the less eager person off the hook, and it lets the more eager person kid themselves that they're "almost" married. Make him marry you before you move in together. You want there to be a big step not taken, and getting married to be a big deal in more ways than just a wedding and signing paperwork. You don't want being together-but-not-married to be too convenient and comfortable.
posted by mattu at 5:17 PM on November 6, 2013
At some point, your SO does need to make up his mind. It is unfortunately quite common for a woman to get stuck waiting for years for a proposal, that sometimes never comes. Your concern is understandable. But pushing for a decision up his mind at six months, or even a year, is too soon. Drawing a line sometime around two years is not unreasonable.
Consider moving out, and back to your own place. You don't have to break up to do this. I think it's usually a mistake to move in with someone if you want to get married eventually. It's too easy. It lets the less eager person off the hook, and it lets the more eager person kid themselves that they're "almost" married. Make him marry you before you move in together. You want there to be a big step not taken, and getting married to be a big deal in more ways than just a wedding and signing paperwork. You don't want being together-but-not-married to be too convenient and comfortable.
posted by mattu at 5:17 PM on November 6, 2013
Unlike other commenters, I say that you need to break up with him. If marriage is your goal, don't waste the best years of your life on someone who isn't going to be ready for marriage for a while. The age of high commitment for men is between ages 28 and 37.
This book outline is helpful for understanding these principles.
posted by lotusmish at 12:16 PM on November 7, 2013
This book outline is helpful for understanding these principles.
posted by lotusmish at 12:16 PM on November 7, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
My husband and I were fast by most standards: we met in January, moved in together in December, and were married the following September.
Where does the "three years" figure come from? Has he suggested that as a time table?
posted by DarlingBri at 9:10 AM on November 6, 2013 [44 favorites]