After decades of it, I think I've had my fill. Too bad for me, eh?
November 4, 2013 4:01 PM Subscribe
How do I learn to better cope with the cumulative effects of sexual harassment? I feel like at some point I used to know how to keep it from getting under my skin, but not so much anymore. I sense a deep resentment building in my core, and I need your guidance/coping skills, please.
The latest incident, detailed below, is just that—the latest. This is a cumulative problem I'm seeking assistance with, but this is the straw that's stressing me, for sure:
As I was walking to the store the other night there were 4-5 guys (late 20s, I'd guess) hanging out on a balcony three stories above the sidewalk, drinking and talking smack to people walking below.
As I approached, I could hear them taunting passersby—just goofy stuff, ribbing a man walking by with a heavy, overstuffed trash bag slung over his shoulder, asking him if he needed help disposing of the body or perhaps a referral for a better life-coach. Another one suggested that the obviously straight guys passing by drop some money as payment for using what is their "exclusively gay sidewalk." One of the straight guys loudly dropped some coins, making everyone within earshot laugh, myself included. Just stuff like that, being harmlessly silly just for kicks, making people smile. Typical friendly neighborhood stuff.
I smiled up at them as I passed, wondering what they'd say to me, and they spontaneously started sexually harassing me. It was shocking. No silly/goofy joke like everyone else got—I mean straight up telling me they bet my "pussy" tastes good, they can smell it from there (they were all making sniffing sounds, and I thought I'd vomit), and they want to taste it, see what all the hype is about... Another said he'd love to fuck me, but it'd have to be anal, and he'd have to be a lot drunker, so it might go really badly for me, noting between guffaws that I can't "cry rape" if he's so drunk that he doesn't know what he's doing. Haw haw haw...
That was the end of it. That's all that happened, and I continued on to the store.
I'm sure they've forgotten all about it by now. I sure as hell haven't.
It's yet another incident that makes me feel weak and diminished, while my fucked-up culture tells me I'm supposed to effectively blow it off and forget about the incident completely—not internalize it, not get angry about it, not let it color my view of men in general because that would be unfair of me—basically I'm expected to always be on-point, well-adjusted, mature, and to rise above it, even when they're trying to smell my "pussy" from thirty feet away and warning me about my hilarious impending rape, I'm expected to simply push that incident out of my mind, and not let it affect me. I'm expected to simply move about in the world as if it never happened.
Just like the time before this. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the time before that.
And then lets add up all the incidents that happened last year, in 2012.
And then the year before that.
And the year before that one.
And the year before that.
And the year before that.
And the year before that.
And the year before that.
See what I'm getting at here? Though its not an everyday occurrence, it still happens with some frequency, and it's been happening to me, a little here, a little there, for decades. Note that the street harassment I mention doesn't exist on its own, so I don't get the luxury of viewing that and reacting to it as if it's just one thing—it's layered atop the thick bed of institutionalized sexism that we all deal with throughout our lives, designed to rob us of our self-worth and keep us in our second-class places. Christ, just knowing that such a thing exists is super discouraging. Add to that the guys on the street, the bus drivers, the theatre attendants, classmates, cops, random dudes on the bus, even one of my former employers. It's not cool.
This building resentment toward men is extremely unhealthy, and it's messing me up because I don't naturally swing sexist. But lately I feel a strong sense of injustice and powerlessness when I consider that this shit is never. going. to. end. Because it's a fact that it won't. I will have to deal with this periodically for the rest of my life. But that part has always been true. What I need to remember is how to let it all go, especially since I can't control its existence. What's the trick?
How do you find the RESET button when the irrational resentment starts to build?
The latest incident, detailed below, is just that—the latest. This is a cumulative problem I'm seeking assistance with, but this is the straw that's stressing me, for sure:
As I was walking to the store the other night there were 4-5 guys (late 20s, I'd guess) hanging out on a balcony three stories above the sidewalk, drinking and talking smack to people walking below.
As I approached, I could hear them taunting passersby—just goofy stuff, ribbing a man walking by with a heavy, overstuffed trash bag slung over his shoulder, asking him if he needed help disposing of the body or perhaps a referral for a better life-coach. Another one suggested that the obviously straight guys passing by drop some money as payment for using what is their "exclusively gay sidewalk." One of the straight guys loudly dropped some coins, making everyone within earshot laugh, myself included. Just stuff like that, being harmlessly silly just for kicks, making people smile. Typical friendly neighborhood stuff.
I smiled up at them as I passed, wondering what they'd say to me, and they spontaneously started sexually harassing me. It was shocking. No silly/goofy joke like everyone else got—I mean straight up telling me they bet my "pussy" tastes good, they can smell it from there (they were all making sniffing sounds, and I thought I'd vomit), and they want to taste it, see what all the hype is about... Another said he'd love to fuck me, but it'd have to be anal, and he'd have to be a lot drunker, so it might go really badly for me, noting between guffaws that I can't "cry rape" if he's so drunk that he doesn't know what he's doing. Haw haw haw...
That was the end of it. That's all that happened, and I continued on to the store.
I'm sure they've forgotten all about it by now. I sure as hell haven't.
It's yet another incident that makes me feel weak and diminished, while my fucked-up culture tells me I'm supposed to effectively blow it off and forget about the incident completely—not internalize it, not get angry about it, not let it color my view of men in general because that would be unfair of me—basically I'm expected to always be on-point, well-adjusted, mature, and to rise above it, even when they're trying to smell my "pussy" from thirty feet away and warning me about my hilarious impending rape, I'm expected to simply push that incident out of my mind, and not let it affect me. I'm expected to simply move about in the world as if it never happened.
Just like the time before this. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the time before that.
And then lets add up all the incidents that happened last year, in 2012.
And then the year before that.
And the year before that one.
And the year before that.
And the year before that.
And the year before that.
And the year before that.
See what I'm getting at here? Though its not an everyday occurrence, it still happens with some frequency, and it's been happening to me, a little here, a little there, for decades. Note that the street harassment I mention doesn't exist on its own, so I don't get the luxury of viewing that and reacting to it as if it's just one thing—it's layered atop the thick bed of institutionalized sexism that we all deal with throughout our lives, designed to rob us of our self-worth and keep us in our second-class places. Christ, just knowing that such a thing exists is super discouraging. Add to that the guys on the street, the bus drivers, the theatre attendants, classmates, cops, random dudes on the bus, even one of my former employers. It's not cool.
This building resentment toward men is extremely unhealthy, and it's messing me up because I don't naturally swing sexist. But lately I feel a strong sense of injustice and powerlessness when I consider that this shit is never. going. to. end. Because it's a fact that it won't. I will have to deal with this periodically for the rest of my life. But that part has always been true. What I need to remember is how to let it all go, especially since I can't control its existence. What's the trick?
How do you find the RESET button when the irrational resentment starts to build?
A few scattered thoughts, from someone who lives in an urban environment and has no interest in feeling like I can't travel down certain streets:
1) I hesitate to bring this up because of course it references women-as-object-with-only-sexualized-value but: it definitely hasn't gone away, but it has faded out some as I've finally started to look like I'm over the age of 28. (And this harassment is often not just about dominating a woman, it's dominating a woman who is not just seen as more sexualized due to youth, but also more vulnerable due to youth.)
2) On an individual level: have other women to talk to about it. It's cathartic. Realize that you are taking back power but not reacting to the haters, by not ceding ownership of public spaces. (If you're not in imminent danger, good old "as if" side eye, especially with younger men, can be like a bucket of cold water.)
3) For perspective and solidarity: honestly, something that's helped enormously and sustainably is having friends from other targeted groups. Sit and listen, really listen, for as long as it takes, without feeling the need to say "I know how you feel", when they tell you about being a pre-Stonewall gay kid in Jesusland, Oklahoma; about literally worrying themselves sick about their teenaged boys who sometimes walk home from their suburban friends' houses after Trayvon Martin, who are followed in stores and were once pulled over because the kids were pointing at a (white) cop because he was on a motorcycle; to Muslims who get rolled at every TSA stop. I can't tell you much this has helped me over the years. Life is tough, and heartbreaking. People are still amazing.
4) On a societal level: I don't know. And I'd be anxious to hear what ideas people have.
posted by blue suede stockings at 4:26 PM on November 4, 2013 [13 favorites]
1) I hesitate to bring this up because of course it references women-as-object-with-only-sexualized-value but: it definitely hasn't gone away, but it has faded out some as I've finally started to look like I'm over the age of 28. (And this harassment is often not just about dominating a woman, it's dominating a woman who is not just seen as more sexualized due to youth, but also more vulnerable due to youth.)
2) On an individual level: have other women to talk to about it. It's cathartic. Realize that you are taking back power but not reacting to the haters, by not ceding ownership of public spaces. (If you're not in imminent danger, good old "as if" side eye, especially with younger men, can be like a bucket of cold water.)
3) For perspective and solidarity: honestly, something that's helped enormously and sustainably is having friends from other targeted groups. Sit and listen, really listen, for as long as it takes, without feeling the need to say "I know how you feel", when they tell you about being a pre-Stonewall gay kid in Jesusland, Oklahoma; about literally worrying themselves sick about their teenaged boys who sometimes walk home from their suburban friends' houses after Trayvon Martin, who are followed in stores and were once pulled over because the kids were pointing at a (white) cop because he was on a motorcycle; to Muslims who get rolled at every TSA stop. I can't tell you much this has helped me over the years. Life is tough, and heartbreaking. People are still amazing.
4) On a societal level: I don't know. And I'd be anxious to hear what ideas people have.
posted by blue suede stockings at 4:26 PM on November 4, 2013 [13 favorites]
I deal with it by once in a while saying "fuck the fact that culture says I shouldn't let it bother me", and I give them hell.
I choose the time and place, of course - there are some circumstances where it would be unsafe - but those guys? Way up on that balcony where it would take them a while to get down to where you were on the sidewalk, and that'd give you time to get away? I sure as hell would have called them on their bullshit.
Honestly, after letting myself call harassers on their bullshit once in a while, most of the harrassment doesn't bother me as much -- well, I mean, it does, but not in the all-consuming way that it's bothering you now.
With those guys - I'd have stopped dead, looked 'em in the eye, and asked them to repeat exactly what they'd just said? And asked them if their mothers raised them to talk to women that way? Or were they too chicken to let their mommas hear them talk like that?
I may have even thrown in something like "how the hell you think you'd rape anyone with a tiny dick like the ones you must have" if I felt like stooping to their level.
You don't have to take it ALL the time.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:27 PM on November 4, 2013 [16 favorites]
I choose the time and place, of course - there are some circumstances where it would be unsafe - but those guys? Way up on that balcony where it would take them a while to get down to where you were on the sidewalk, and that'd give you time to get away? I sure as hell would have called them on their bullshit.
Honestly, after letting myself call harassers on their bullshit once in a while, most of the harrassment doesn't bother me as much -- well, I mean, it does, but not in the all-consuming way that it's bothering you now.
With those guys - I'd have stopped dead, looked 'em in the eye, and asked them to repeat exactly what they'd just said? And asked them if their mothers raised them to talk to women that way? Or were they too chicken to let their mommas hear them talk like that?
I may have even thrown in something like "how the hell you think you'd rape anyone with a tiny dick like the ones you must have" if I felt like stooping to their level.
You don't have to take it ALL the time.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:27 PM on November 4, 2013 [16 favorites]
Take their picture with your phone. Shame them in social media or make flyers you can post in your neighborhood. Can you curse really well under pressure? Take self defense classes--makes a big difference in how you carry yourself, I think.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:37 PM on November 4, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 4:37 PM on November 4, 2013 [11 favorites]
Honestly, for a long time I dealt with constant street harassment (on top of, as you say, a layer of institutional sexism that has me constantly feeling less-than) by basically not leaving the house, and when I did leave the house, sweating as profusely as possible and avoiding eye contact with people and generally acting like a tortured dog.
I totally feel you when you say that it is not fair that we are expected to get over this. Because it really is not fair. We are burdened with the experience in the first place, and then burdened with the nearly superhuman expectation that we won't react, won't "let it get to us" (which is a phrase that does a wonderful job of putting all onus on the person experiencing unfair bullshit), won't ever act ungracefully or unladylike. I feel the same anger and resentment, and there have been times I shouted back, or lifted the middle finger, or made direct eye contact to show I wasn't intimidated. Sometimes it helped me feel better, sometimes not.
Still, I do not deal with this perfectly, but the thing that finally occurred to me a while back is that this is robbing me of quality of life. People treat me unfairly, in large and small ways, pretty much constantly, and, largely due to being identified as female, I was never taught how to have appropriate boundaries or defend myself or even to manage my own emotions, and not to put the feelings of everyone else ahead of mine, including the feelings of my tormenters.
This unfair treatment is, unfortunately, the current state of the world, and I will never stop trying to change that through spreading messages of equality and feminism in both my work and leisure pursuits. But in my own personal life, that kind of activity was not by itself enough to actually make me feel better in the moment, to learn how to deal with this stuff in a way that was productive for me, personally. My emotional response to the bullshit was something I struggled to control, and even though it is not my fault (or anyone's fault) if that is the case, it is up to me to do something about that since I am literally the only one who can.
After trying lots of different types of therapy for many years, I started doing DBT and it is helping in many ways. It is teaching me skills to soothe and distract myself when my emotional state is in turmoil, and to practice accepting what cannot be changed (anything that has already happened, basically) and identify what CAN be changed (the future! Everything can change, sometimes quite rapidly.) And lastly, it is teaching me interpersonal skills so I can finally set some damn boundaries with people, assert my needs, and stop taking on other people's feelings like they are my job.
It is still unfair that I am put to some economic disadvantage by needing to purchase expensive therapy in order to deal with the fact that I am a woman in this sick culture, basically, but to me it is worth it. I don't know if the answer will be the same for you or anyone reading this, but this is what has helped, and is helping, me.
posted by Ouisch at 4:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
I totally feel you when you say that it is not fair that we are expected to get over this. Because it really is not fair. We are burdened with the experience in the first place, and then burdened with the nearly superhuman expectation that we won't react, won't "let it get to us" (which is a phrase that does a wonderful job of putting all onus on the person experiencing unfair bullshit), won't ever act ungracefully or unladylike. I feel the same anger and resentment, and there have been times I shouted back, or lifted the middle finger, or made direct eye contact to show I wasn't intimidated. Sometimes it helped me feel better, sometimes not.
Still, I do not deal with this perfectly, but the thing that finally occurred to me a while back is that this is robbing me of quality of life. People treat me unfairly, in large and small ways, pretty much constantly, and, largely due to being identified as female, I was never taught how to have appropriate boundaries or defend myself or even to manage my own emotions, and not to put the feelings of everyone else ahead of mine, including the feelings of my tormenters.
This unfair treatment is, unfortunately, the current state of the world, and I will never stop trying to change that through spreading messages of equality and feminism in both my work and leisure pursuits. But in my own personal life, that kind of activity was not by itself enough to actually make me feel better in the moment, to learn how to deal with this stuff in a way that was productive for me, personally. My emotional response to the bullshit was something I struggled to control, and even though it is not my fault (or anyone's fault) if that is the case, it is up to me to do something about that since I am literally the only one who can.
After trying lots of different types of therapy for many years, I started doing DBT and it is helping in many ways. It is teaching me skills to soothe and distract myself when my emotional state is in turmoil, and to practice accepting what cannot be changed (anything that has already happened, basically) and identify what CAN be changed (the future! Everything can change, sometimes quite rapidly.) And lastly, it is teaching me interpersonal skills so I can finally set some damn boundaries with people, assert my needs, and stop taking on other people's feelings like they are my job.
It is still unfair that I am put to some economic disadvantage by needing to purchase expensive therapy in order to deal with the fact that I am a woman in this sick culture, basically, but to me it is worth it. I don't know if the answer will be the same for you or anyone reading this, but this is what has helped, and is helping, me.
posted by Ouisch at 4:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'm so sorry you had to endure that abuse. This is probably cold comfort, but @blue suede stockings is right: I promise it will decrease markedly when you no longer look so young and nubile.
Another tactic to put to future use might be requesting some help from the police - at a minimum, the harassers were "disturbing the peace" and in many US jurisdictions threatening to rape a person would constitute assault.
posted by hush at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2013
Another tactic to put to future use might be requesting some help from the police - at a minimum, the harassers were "disturbing the peace" and in many US jurisdictions threatening to rape a person would constitute assault.
posted by hush at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2013
[Oh, and I just want to make sure you know I wasn't invalidating your "this will happen the rest of my life" comment--to be clear, again, I said that this has faded out for me a bit with age, but it has still persisted. And I once said to a woman in her mid 60s, "I thought I would have aged out of this by now!" She looked at me with amusement and a bit of pity, "No. That doesn't happen." Last guy who harassed me very crudely, just for having a female body, just last week? 88 years old--a "friend". I feel you, sister. We're all in this together.]
posted by blue suede stockings at 4:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by blue suede stockings at 4:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I dunno. I mean, I can sort of relate, because idiotic microaggressions and assholery and part and parcel of living near and around people. On the other hand, when some yahoo pisses me off, they aren't generally doing it as a function of who I am (or maybe they are and I'm just obtuse). Assholes gonna asshole.
But the thing that keeps me from running those asshats over with my truck is this line from the Lord's Prayer : "As we forgive those who trespass against us"
I'm not the least little tiny bit religious. But I figure if I'm a chill happy dude then I gotta just let the small stuff roll off. So - instead of letting them get to me, I say that line in my head.
Some days, I say it a few hundred times, I swear.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 4:47 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
But the thing that keeps me from running those asshats over with my truck is this line from the Lord's Prayer : "As we forgive those who trespass against us"
I'm not the least little tiny bit religious. But I figure if I'm a chill happy dude then I gotta just let the small stuff roll off. So - instead of letting them get to me, I say that line in my head.
Some days, I say it a few hundred times, I swear.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 4:47 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm lucky to have lived in low-harassment areas (I heard my first catcall in Honolulu just this past week) over the last decade, but I also struggle with how to not be judgmental when I run into what I see as typical dude arrogance. This is what has helped me from stewing in a marinade of vitriol and frustration and outrage
- I vent (blue suede stocking is right to put this as an option).
- if appropriate, I crush their spirits. This is mostly in a class setting when I can be the mouthy "listen to me" dominator of discussions.
- I volunteer with groups that, while perhaps not focused on issues of gender or feminism, embrace justice as an organizing principle
Ouisch probably has the best suggestion on finding the RESET button which is overall mental health support for yourself.
posted by spamandkimchi at 4:48 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
- I vent (blue suede stocking is right to put this as an option).
- if appropriate, I crush their spirits. This is mostly in a class setting when I can be the mouthy "listen to me" dominator of discussions.
- I volunteer with groups that, while perhaps not focused on issues of gender or feminism, embrace justice as an organizing principle
Ouisch probably has the best suggestion on finding the RESET button which is overall mental health support for yourself.
posted by spamandkimchi at 4:48 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Things that helped me when it still happened a lot (getting older + more butch have helped though the more butch thing brings its own set of problems):
- having good guy friends who were not jerks because it was nice to have a concrete reminder that not all guys are jerks
- ranting to my women friends
- occasionally saying something back; it was almost never planned, I almost never did a "is it safe to talk back?" calculation, but man, those times when I said FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE sure felt good, and reminded me that I was not just some non-person piece of nothing.
You can memail me rants whenever you want. If you want my # for text rant purposes, memail me. You are not alone.
posted by rtha at 4:50 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
- having good guy friends who were not jerks because it was nice to have a concrete reminder that not all guys are jerks
- ranting to my women friends
- occasionally saying something back; it was almost never planned, I almost never did a "is it safe to talk back?" calculation, but man, those times when I said FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE sure felt good, and reminded me that I was not just some non-person piece of nothing.
You can memail me rants whenever you want. If you want my # for text rant purposes, memail me. You are not alone.
posted by rtha at 4:50 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
I really feel for you, as that sounds like the kind of let-down that would just ruin my day. I mean, you even smiled because you figured you were going to be as worthy of a pleasant interaction as the other passerbyers were. Except based on your possession of a p*ssy, you weren't.
If you can, after every incident like that, surround yourself with people who do see you as the person you are. Even an informal support/social group where you know you are safe to share the unpleasant emotional effects of that kind of random harassment/marginalization would be worth it, because this ongoing harrassment sh*t in terms of how it stains the soul is cumulative... It does eat away at your humanity over time. I really hear what you're saying about how hard it is not to start hating all men after just another encounter like that too many... even though you/I know that hatred is not the solution.
Personally, I remind myself often those types of men act like that because they have SO much baggage from how their dad beat their mom or how they didn't get enough time on the boob, that even if they could somehow manage to get with me, they know they wouldn't be able to keep it up. Clearly shouting at me from a distance is the best strategy for them to safely experience an erection in response to my beauty from a distance without being brutally overshadowed by my own potent worthiness as a sexual human being. Yelling that they can smell your pussy from all the way over there? Sounds like they're ready to cream their pants the moment you walk over, and shouting like an asshole is the best way for them to avoid embarrassing themselves over how they've prematurely lost the enduring vigor of a healthy sex drive. Would only do you in the *ss? Probably because his uncles spent a lot of time in his, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I'm bitter much. YMMV.
Note: I don't ever lash out with these. For some reason, I just find it very satisfying to know that I can pick them apart just as viciously with words, as they do to me. I just make the choice not to do so.
Honestly though, do acknowledge the hatred that starts stirring inside you with that crap. That is hurtful, ugly, and cruel behavior to take in. I haven't noticed it get better with age either... Looking "young and nubile" does not sufficiently explain it for me... "Implanted with loathing for the female other as well as one's inner female self" is somewhat more satisfying. I think it has a lot less to do with actual women than it does with men who hate the female aspects of themselves. Seeing a beautiful woman simply seems to turn on their inner dialogue of self-hatred, which they then must attempt to project onto you (otherwise, they'd risk feeling those feelings themselves and might realize they have a problem or something). Seriously, those men have probably objectified themselves so much when it comes to sex, that to respond any other way than to bark at a passing female which simply be untrue to the nature they've chosen to cultivate within themselves. They've chosen to believe that wanting and enjoying sex makes any person a piece of meat. Otherwise, if they thought "sex = good for both men and women" was really possible, they'd be out there seeking it and celebrating their friends who find it. Take care, heyho -- you're certainly not alone when it comes to this.
posted by human ecologist at 5:09 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you can, after every incident like that, surround yourself with people who do see you as the person you are. Even an informal support/social group where you know you are safe to share the unpleasant emotional effects of that kind of random harassment/marginalization would be worth it, because this ongoing harrassment sh*t in terms of how it stains the soul is cumulative... It does eat away at your humanity over time. I really hear what you're saying about how hard it is not to start hating all men after just another encounter like that too many... even though you/I know that hatred is not the solution.
Personally, I remind myself often those types of men act like that because they have SO much baggage from how their dad beat their mom or how they didn't get enough time on the boob, that even if they could somehow manage to get with me, they know they wouldn't be able to keep it up. Clearly shouting at me from a distance is the best strategy for them to safely experience an erection in response to my beauty from a distance without being brutally overshadowed by my own potent worthiness as a sexual human being. Yelling that they can smell your pussy from all the way over there? Sounds like they're ready to cream their pants the moment you walk over, and shouting like an asshole is the best way for them to avoid embarrassing themselves over how they've prematurely lost the enduring vigor of a healthy sex drive. Would only do you in the *ss? Probably because his uncles spent a lot of time in his, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I'm bitter much. YMMV.
Note: I don't ever lash out with these. For some reason, I just find it very satisfying to know that I can pick them apart just as viciously with words, as they do to me. I just make the choice not to do so.
Honestly though, do acknowledge the hatred that starts stirring inside you with that crap. That is hurtful, ugly, and cruel behavior to take in. I haven't noticed it get better with age either... Looking "young and nubile" does not sufficiently explain it for me... "Implanted with loathing for the female other as well as one's inner female self" is somewhat more satisfying. I think it has a lot less to do with actual women than it does with men who hate the female aspects of themselves. Seeing a beautiful woman simply seems to turn on their inner dialogue of self-hatred, which they then must attempt to project onto you (otherwise, they'd risk feeling those feelings themselves and might realize they have a problem or something). Seriously, those men have probably objectified themselves so much when it comes to sex, that to respond any other way than to bark at a passing female which simply be untrue to the nature they've chosen to cultivate within themselves. They've chosen to believe that wanting and enjoying sex makes any person a piece of meat. Otherwise, if they thought "sex = good for both men and women" was really possible, they'd be out there seeking it and celebrating their friends who find it. Take care, heyho -- you're certainly not alone when it comes to this.
posted by human ecologist at 5:09 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
I deal via retaliation. So far it has not bit back (though I'm also not going to openly confront a group of huge dudes at 3:00am). It is the only thing that successfully tamps my resentment. Your mileage will obviously vary. Examples:
- A guy invades my personal space on public transit, I start flossing, picking my nose, pretending to make an audible phone call that involves a detailed description of my last bowel movement, etc
- Blowing snot rockets or spitting on the street in front of catcallers
- Yelling back at catcallers--preferably something witty if I can think of it, but something angry or preferably angry and vulgar
- A guy started masturbating in front of me while walking down the street, I hit him with my tote bag
- A guy grabbed my ass in a club, I grabbed his hand, dug my nails in, then twisted his arm around
Obviously this sort of thing requires overcoming all those ingrained lessons to be passive and retiring, and I know a lot of women who would not feel comfortable doing it. For me, my anger reached the point where I can't nod and smile anymore and the only way I'm going to get over it is if I give the offenders a piece of my mind or make them as uncomfortable at they attempt to make me. I have been leaning more towards the "gross-out" behavior than the angry retorts recently as the horrified expressions are generally more satisfying and I like the feeling I'm disposing of whatever fantasy they've concocted in their head.
posted by Anonymous at 5:16 PM on November 4, 2013
- A guy invades my personal space on public transit, I start flossing, picking my nose, pretending to make an audible phone call that involves a detailed description of my last bowel movement, etc
- Blowing snot rockets or spitting on the street in front of catcallers
- Yelling back at catcallers--preferably something witty if I can think of it, but something angry or preferably angry and vulgar
- A guy started masturbating in front of me while walking down the street, I hit him with my tote bag
- A guy grabbed my ass in a club, I grabbed his hand, dug my nails in, then twisted his arm around
Obviously this sort of thing requires overcoming all those ingrained lessons to be passive and retiring, and I know a lot of women who would not feel comfortable doing it. For me, my anger reached the point where I can't nod and smile anymore and the only way I'm going to get over it is if I give the offenders a piece of my mind or make them as uncomfortable at they attempt to make me. I have been leaning more towards the "gross-out" behavior than the angry retorts recently as the horrified expressions are generally more satisfying and I like the feeling I'm disposing of whatever fantasy they've concocted in their head.
posted by Anonymous at 5:16 PM on November 4, 2013
First I'm going to suggest mindfulness meditation, as well as doing some work with an impartial third party (ahem, a therapist) that focuses, in whole or in part on interpersonal relationships...so that you can learn that no matter how perfectly you present yourself or respond, other people will not always behave well. That is, really, deeply learn that this is not your fault. And that it is not your job to change these guys, and you don't owe them any response, so whatever response you have is fine. Keep that in mind as you digest the torrent of links that follows.
I'm pretty open about my experiences with this kind of harassment here on metafilter.
And my secret is that I don't shut up about it in real life either. That's not to say that I think it is any victim's responsibility to educate harassers or other perpetrators. But the talks I have given to college students don't only educate harassers (and potential harassers), they educate the women who put up with this shit. I get a chance to make it clear to women that this is not their fault. I get a chance to make it clear to women that however they feel about these behaviors is valid. You are allowed to be angry, sad, embarassed, or any emotion/combination of emotions, and these reactions are probably not going to be consistent across all incidents.
Another thing I emphasize a lot is that we are sending the wrong message to young people when we tell women how to not get assaulted, raped, or harassed. We need to be putting as much of, if not more of, the message to men, and how they ought keep their hands and violent words to themselves. As well as teaching them how to distinguish between violent words and flirting. "I want to taste your pussy" is not the same as "I read that book too and enjoyed it, what do you think of the plot so far," which is also different from the phenomenon described in Whatcha Reading, a thread where I didn't have the energy to participate.
Here's a link to a comment where I talk about body posture, which may or may not convince others that we are powerful, and has been shown to have some effects on how we perceive ourselves. I do find that standing up tall, whether I respond in words or not, does leave me feeling a little better about these situations.
Occasionally, I get mouthy with the men who harass me. And while that probably doesn't solve anything in the long run* as effectively as my organized public speaking, it can be cathartic.
Some things to keep in mind about finding confidantes. Some people, women included, will make it clear that victim blaming is their reaction to these things. They'll ask you what you were wearing, suggest that you misunderstood your harassers intentions, and/or can't take a compliment/are an ungrateful bitch. This response is just as often ignorance as it is a desperate (if subconscious) attempt to talk themselves into thinking this can't happen to them, or is "not that bad" when it does. So don't take it personally when people don't respond in ways that feel supportive to you. But do realize that you are worthy of support and listening, and seek it in healthy places.
*Because after these "outbursts" these guys usually tell me I'm "too emotional," "too bitchy," "sexy when [I'm] angry," "ugly and they wouldn't want to bang [me] anyway," or "stupid." This allows them to dismiss any actual points I might be making. In an academic setting, where there's nothing adversarial going on, and I'm not coming from a place of anger and fear, my effectiveness seems to be better.
posted by bilabial at 5:43 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'm pretty open about my experiences with this kind of harassment here on metafilter.
And my secret is that I don't shut up about it in real life either. That's not to say that I think it is any victim's responsibility to educate harassers or other perpetrators. But the talks I have given to college students don't only educate harassers (and potential harassers), they educate the women who put up with this shit. I get a chance to make it clear to women that this is not their fault. I get a chance to make it clear to women that however they feel about these behaviors is valid. You are allowed to be angry, sad, embarassed, or any emotion/combination of emotions, and these reactions are probably not going to be consistent across all incidents.
Another thing I emphasize a lot is that we are sending the wrong message to young people when we tell women how to not get assaulted, raped, or harassed. We need to be putting as much of, if not more of, the message to men, and how they ought keep their hands and violent words to themselves. As well as teaching them how to distinguish between violent words and flirting. "I want to taste your pussy" is not the same as "I read that book too and enjoyed it, what do you think of the plot so far," which is also different from the phenomenon described in Whatcha Reading, a thread where I didn't have the energy to participate.
Here's a link to a comment where I talk about body posture, which may or may not convince others that we are powerful, and has been shown to have some effects on how we perceive ourselves. I do find that standing up tall, whether I respond in words or not, does leave me feeling a little better about these situations.
Occasionally, I get mouthy with the men who harass me. And while that probably doesn't solve anything in the long run* as effectively as my organized public speaking, it can be cathartic.
Some things to keep in mind about finding confidantes. Some people, women included, will make it clear that victim blaming is their reaction to these things. They'll ask you what you were wearing, suggest that you misunderstood your harassers intentions, and/or can't take a compliment/are an ungrateful bitch. This response is just as often ignorance as it is a desperate (if subconscious) attempt to talk themselves into thinking this can't happen to them, or is "not that bad" when it does. So don't take it personally when people don't respond in ways that feel supportive to you. But do realize that you are worthy of support and listening, and seek it in healthy places.
*Because after these "outbursts" these guys usually tell me I'm "too emotional," "too bitchy," "sexy when [I'm] angry," "ugly and they wouldn't want to bang [me] anyway," or "stupid." This allows them to dismiss any actual points I might be making. In an academic setting, where there's nothing adversarial going on, and I'm not coming from a place of anger and fear, my effectiveness seems to be better.
posted by bilabial at 5:43 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
This may not help if you are not a person of faith but I have found that talking about Jesus and their personal need for Him usually had the double effect of shutting them up and making me feel empowered.
I wish we could all grok in our heads that the person who should feel shame is the catcaller not the subject of it. I know it doesn't work that way a lot of the time but it really should.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:15 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
I wish we could all grok in our heads that the person who should feel shame is the catcaller not the subject of it. I know it doesn't work that way a lot of the time but it really should.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:15 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
There used to be a photoblog where you could take a pic of the people on your iPhone, publish it and air the creepy thing that happened for the world to see. It was at ihollaback.org . The idea of throwing it back in their face seems somewhat empowering. Sometimes people are fine being assholes privately, but only really kind of realize they are jerks when they are publicly humiliated? Might be something to that.
posted by mermily at 6:36 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by mermily at 6:36 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I spent a long time walking around with a hair trigger after I was violently (not sexually, but genderedly) assaulted in broad daylight, and the police decided I was exaggerating because I didn't behave the way the male cop thought a woman would act after she was assaulted. (I still hate it when cops talk about their finely tuned gut instincts.)
I realized at that point that it was on me to defend myself, so I got myself a can of mace (not pepper spray, tear gas) and this sort of spiky brass knuckle thing that I carried everywhere for almost a year. It is a damned miracle that nobody grabbed my ass when I was carrying those, because I was more than ready to really mess someone up. At some point, I realized I was putting myself at risk walking around ready to go off like that, so I toned down quite a bit.
What I do now is that I sometimes respond with all not-literal guns blazing, whenever I have the time and energy, whenever I feel like it. I think of it almost like a lottery, where maybe one out of every few people who decide to fuck with me are the winners.
Maybe every now and again, my responses are out of proportion, but I don't care. Hey, you go around harassing strange women, maybe you'll get a crazy one! Maybe you should be afraid to do that! In most cases, these assholes have probably harassed plenty of women and gotten away with it, so if one happens to respond disproportionately, then ha ha good. The thing about street harassers is that they're trying to put you in your place, to send you the message that you're powerless and that they can control you. The ironic thing is that they aren't all that conscious of their own extensive vulnerabilities. For many, it's never even occurred to them that they're wearing their work ID badges, or in their company truck, or hell, even sitting right there on the porch of their own home.
If and when you feel safe doing so, it can absolutely feel great to turn the fear and powerlessness they tried to make you feel back on them. Take their pictures, post them around the neighborhood, find them and call their mommies and daddies and their employers. And don't hesitate to call the police, either, if you feel like someone has made a credible threat. It may not help, but I think things are coming around a little recently, so maybe it will.
One other thing that I think is really important is to tell everyone you can. Submit your stories to sites that aggregate these things (the hollaback sites, Everyday Sexism, things like that), and if you have supportive, decent men in your life, please tell them about these things when they happen. One thing that's surprised me a lot is that even the most enlightened, feminist men I know often have no idea that these things are everyday realities for many women. That's something they really need to be aware of so that they too can call it out when they see it and hear about it. Men often have an 'in' to man talk that ladies can't really infiltrate. Talk to people, explain the dynamics of street harassment, and don't let them silence you by accusing you of humblebragging or doing something to invite it.
This is a systemic problem, and it's one that we're only going to solve by bringing it out in the open so that everyone sees it.
posted by ernielundquist at 6:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
I realized at that point that it was on me to defend myself, so I got myself a can of mace (not pepper spray, tear gas) and this sort of spiky brass knuckle thing that I carried everywhere for almost a year. It is a damned miracle that nobody grabbed my ass when I was carrying those, because I was more than ready to really mess someone up. At some point, I realized I was putting myself at risk walking around ready to go off like that, so I toned down quite a bit.
What I do now is that I sometimes respond with all not-literal guns blazing, whenever I have the time and energy, whenever I feel like it. I think of it almost like a lottery, where maybe one out of every few people who decide to fuck with me are the winners.
Maybe every now and again, my responses are out of proportion, but I don't care. Hey, you go around harassing strange women, maybe you'll get a crazy one! Maybe you should be afraid to do that! In most cases, these assholes have probably harassed plenty of women and gotten away with it, so if one happens to respond disproportionately, then ha ha good. The thing about street harassers is that they're trying to put you in your place, to send you the message that you're powerless and that they can control you. The ironic thing is that they aren't all that conscious of their own extensive vulnerabilities. For many, it's never even occurred to them that they're wearing their work ID badges, or in their company truck, or hell, even sitting right there on the porch of their own home.
If and when you feel safe doing so, it can absolutely feel great to turn the fear and powerlessness they tried to make you feel back on them. Take their pictures, post them around the neighborhood, find them and call their mommies and daddies and their employers. And don't hesitate to call the police, either, if you feel like someone has made a credible threat. It may not help, but I think things are coming around a little recently, so maybe it will.
One other thing that I think is really important is to tell everyone you can. Submit your stories to sites that aggregate these things (the hollaback sites, Everyday Sexism, things like that), and if you have supportive, decent men in your life, please tell them about these things when they happen. One thing that's surprised me a lot is that even the most enlightened, feminist men I know often have no idea that these things are everyday realities for many women. That's something they really need to be aware of so that they too can call it out when they see it and hear about it. Men often have an 'in' to man talk that ladies can't really infiltrate. Talk to people, explain the dynamics of street harassment, and don't let them silence you by accusing you of humblebragging or doing something to invite it.
This is a systemic problem, and it's one that we're only going to solve by bringing it out in the open so that everyone sees it.
posted by ernielundquist at 6:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments deleted. Folks, this is not the place for a wider discussion of sexism vs racism, who harasses, and other broader social issues. Also if you have a question about moderation please ask using the contact form not in the AskMe thread. OP has asked for advice about coping. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:15 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:15 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've been thinking about this a lot, so I'll also be reading all the replies.
Catcalling isn't common here in Tokyo, but where I live there's always guys on the street trying to pickup girls. Wearing my "bitch face" is usually enough to deter them (but I'm afraid my face will freeze like that eventually!).
Something that's helped me personally with sexual harassment/ misogyny recently is reading Warsan Shire's writings, like "Crude conversations with boys who fake laughter often":
Catcalling isn't common here in Tokyo, but where I live there's always guys on the street trying to pickup girls. Wearing my "bitch face" is usually enough to deter them (but I'm afraid my face will freeze like that eventually!).
Something that's helped me personally with sexual harassment/ misogyny recently is reading Warsan Shire's writings, like "Crude conversations with boys who fake laughter often":
He says ‘I don’t get it, why are you still a virgin at 24?’posted by koakuma at 7:22 PM on November 4, 2013 [11 favorites]
He says ‘I don’t believe you, I’ve seen you walk, virgins don’t walk like that.’
He says, ‘That ain’t natural, people are supposed to fuck.’
He asks ‘Why though? No offense though.’
I ask ‘When was your first time?’
He says ‘I was 12.’
He says ‘I know what you’re thinking, that’s too young.’
I look at his knuckles, he has two good hands.
He says ‘She was older than me.’
I ask ‘How old?’
And he says ‘It’s better that the girl is older, that’s how I learnt all things I know’
He licks his lips.
I ask again ‘How old?’
He says ‘I could use one finger to make you sob.’
I think of my brother in prison and I can’t remember his face.
I ask again ‘How old?’
He says ‘Boys become men in the laps of women, you know?’
I think of my mothers faced lined with her bad choices in men.
He says ‘If you were mine you wouldn’t get away with this shit, I’d eat you for hours, I’d gut you like fruit.’
I think of my cousin's circumcision, how she feels like a mermaid, not human from the waist down.
He says ‘I’d look after you, you know?’
I laugh, I ask for the last time ‘How old?’
He says ’34.’
He says ‘She was beautiful though and I know what you’re thinking but it’s not like that, I’m a man, I’m a man, I’m a man. No one could ever hurt me’.
Response by poster: I just want to put this out there: I'm 48, so I haven't been nubile for like... three years. Heh. But I don't really think that age/looks have much, if anything, to do with it; I mean it's harassment, not actual sexual attraction—it's about humiliation-for-kicks, not about getting a date, as far as I can tell.
These men don't frighten me or anything, and I don't need help dealing with street harassment, per se. I did exactly what I should have done, in my opinion, which is not to engage with drunken sexist jerks.
The constant barrage of institutional sexism + the targeted sexual harassment I experience on my own is eating away at me to such a degree that I'm starting to dislike being in the company of men, which is not only bizarrely hypocritical(!), but also problematic when you consider the vast majority of my friends are male. Plus, I'm straight! Resenting men is not going to work in my life at all. I need to figure out how to let go of my temporarily-insane-sexism before it eats my brain and starts having shitty effects on my relationships.
posted by heyho at 7:24 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
These men don't frighten me or anything, and I don't need help dealing with street harassment, per se. I did exactly what I should have done, in my opinion, which is not to engage with drunken sexist jerks.
The constant barrage of institutional sexism + the targeted sexual harassment I experience on my own is eating away at me to such a degree that I'm starting to dislike being in the company of men, which is not only bizarrely hypocritical(!), but also problematic when you consider the vast majority of my friends are male. Plus, I'm straight! Resenting men is not going to work in my life at all. I need to figure out how to let go of my temporarily-insane-sexism before it eats my brain and starts having shitty effects on my relationships.
posted by heyho at 7:24 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
If this is causing intrusive thoughts and affecting your life, then therapy. It is true that sexism exists, and that you were harassed, but it doesn't need to infiltrate your thoughts the way it has.
posted by yarly at 7:29 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 7:29 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Heyho, if you are facing a lot of sexism in your job, is there any way to change it? Random street yahoos are one thing, 40 hours of crap a week is different. Not every workplace is horribly sexist. I've been in those, and left to find better so I wouldn't snap and brain someone with a laptop. I was scared, but felt the risks were worth it if I could save my sanity. If you can change that, then the rest would get easier to bear, I think.
In the meantime, therapy and meds if you aren't already, to help you get to a better place mentally.
posted by emjaybee at 7:32 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
In the meantime, therapy and meds if you aren't already, to help you get to a better place mentally.
posted by emjaybee at 7:32 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have gotten some great stress relief from just talking back. Nothing zingy, just very straightforward, i.e. "Why do you think that's funny? What's wrong with you? I just want to walk down the street and you're after me with that bullshit? It's awful. Does that ever get you laid? Do you have any female relatives or friends? You should be embarrassed, because your behavior is stupid and offensive." Etc. Not yelling, not trying to be clever, just expressing myself. And if the guy continues, just saying "That is stupid and you really should be embarrassed" and walking away.
It doesn't really cure anything, but it can take the wind out of harrassers' sails when they don't get your goat. I dunno if I would have had the wherewithal to do it with a group on a different floor like you describe -- but even just thinking about guys like that in the light of "man that is one dumb and undignified way to spend your one wild and precious life" -- it makes me feel a little better.
Also: Remembering that jerks and harassers are a minority subset of the larger class of men.
And: I find physical exertion helps to let anger be anger without turning into stale, blood-curdling resentment. Maybe running or kung fu would be helpful for both emotional stability and for self-defense later if you ever need it.
Wishing you a workable channel for acknowledging how fucked-up this is, without getting overwhelmed by it.
posted by feets at 8:09 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
It doesn't really cure anything, but it can take the wind out of harrassers' sails when they don't get your goat. I dunno if I would have had the wherewithal to do it with a group on a different floor like you describe -- but even just thinking about guys like that in the light of "man that is one dumb and undignified way to spend your one wild and precious life" -- it makes me feel a little better.
Also: Remembering that jerks and harassers are a minority subset of the larger class of men.
And: I find physical exertion helps to let anger be anger without turning into stale, blood-curdling resentment. Maybe running or kung fu would be helpful for both emotional stability and for self-defense later if you ever need it.
Wishing you a workable channel for acknowledging how fucked-up this is, without getting overwhelmed by it.
posted by feets at 8:09 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
Mod note: We could not be more clear: answer the question being asked, not the one you want to answer.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:11 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:11 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Apparently you live in the big bad city of Chicago. Have you considered moving to the 'burbs? I know burbs are boring, but I am very rarely harassed in burbs, and it seems like cities are where the crazy jerk guys congregate and gang up on women in the street and all that more often.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:39 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:39 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mindfulness meditation and I just accept that I kinda don't like men. I don't like going places with men, I don't like being in large groups of them. I certainly don't try and strike up friendships with them any more. I have a number of men in my life who I like, love, enjoy being with, but even those men sometimes make me feel like shit for being a woman, make me feel lesser or other or sexualise me in ways that make me feel sick to my stomach.
So even those men, the one I married, the ones I love, the ones I spend my precious time with? Even them, I sometimes don't like. I sometimes even take a break from them, and their ways.
So I take a break. I don't go out, or when I do I isolate myself with headphones and bad posture and shapeless clothes and re-cropped undercut on display. I don't invite men into my space, into my life, even the ones I love. I consume media by women, from women. I stay away from the internet. I basically insulate myself in what feels like a genderless cloud (but is actually almost entirely female). I mindfully meditate/think through that time, refusing to allow them to even have this part of my brain. When I re-emerge I'll be drowned in it all again, but for this moment (an hour, a day, a weekend) I can get back to peace. It took me a while, and I still can't always manage it, but this is a cost to a society that enables and allows men to do this. This is a cost to my male friends and family, that they should be so wilfully ignorant. It sounds egotistical, but I'm sick of framing it as my problem and my responsibility - they want me to not mistrust, they want me to participate? Then they can change their behaviour. I will do what I need to survive.
I tend to do this alone, since I like being alone, but I imagine it might work with friends.
Not to say women are always better, but I'm less likely to get a female friend thinking it's funny to grope me/lift my skirt because we're in a safe space with people I love, the way my husband has (and apologised profusely for when I got upset and he realised that it was a dick move). I'm less likely to have a female friend say something about my body in a way that intimidates me when I look at how much bigger, how much more muscular they are in their supreme confidence that they're allowed to say that. The men try, they really do, but they're steeped in it as well, and can't always see where their ignorance will lead, and what part of me they will inadvertently hurt.
posted by geek anachronism at 9:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [15 favorites]
So even those men, the one I married, the ones I love, the ones I spend my precious time with? Even them, I sometimes don't like. I sometimes even take a break from them, and their ways.
So I take a break. I don't go out, or when I do I isolate myself with headphones and bad posture and shapeless clothes and re-cropped undercut on display. I don't invite men into my space, into my life, even the ones I love. I consume media by women, from women. I stay away from the internet. I basically insulate myself in what feels like a genderless cloud (but is actually almost entirely female). I mindfully meditate/think through that time, refusing to allow them to even have this part of my brain. When I re-emerge I'll be drowned in it all again, but for this moment (an hour, a day, a weekend) I can get back to peace. It took me a while, and I still can't always manage it, but this is a cost to a society that enables and allows men to do this. This is a cost to my male friends and family, that they should be so wilfully ignorant. It sounds egotistical, but I'm sick of framing it as my problem and my responsibility - they want me to not mistrust, they want me to participate? Then they can change their behaviour. I will do what I need to survive.
I tend to do this alone, since I like being alone, but I imagine it might work with friends.
Not to say women are always better, but I'm less likely to get a female friend thinking it's funny to grope me/lift my skirt because we're in a safe space with people I love, the way my husband has (and apologised profusely for when I got upset and he realised that it was a dick move). I'm less likely to have a female friend say something about my body in a way that intimidates me when I look at how much bigger, how much more muscular they are in their supreme confidence that they're allowed to say that. The men try, they really do, but they're steeped in it as well, and can't always see where their ignorance will lead, and what part of me they will inadvertently hurt.
posted by geek anachronism at 9:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [15 favorites]
Nthing meditation. I've also found Tai Chi to help me in many ways. For one, with a good instructor, you learn how to listen to your own body, and find your balance in all sorts of physical positions. That sounds fuzzy at first, so I'll give a couple examples:
- three Christmases ago, I was somewhat-mildly-but-nonetheless assaulted in a mall by a group of teenage twits. "Hurrhurr that chick thinks she's the shit because she's tall, let's cut her down to size" I heard them say while approaching me, and thought nothing of it until the one nearest shot out his arm and smacked me in the forehead. I stopped short and said without even thinking, "the fuck?! You do that to people you don't know?!" They hurr-hurred some more. No one stopped. No one asked if I were all right. I wished I had had the presence to block his arm.
- last week, so, after a year of Tai Chi, which teaches not just positions but all of the subtle movements between positions, I was walking to my favorite grocery shop. 40-year-old dude stops behind me at the red crosswalk light. I set myself in balance. He sidled up to my left, too close for comfort and no excuse given the sidewalk was not crowded at all. I moved my left arm to a position where I could elbow him if it came to that. (Yes, yes indeed, it happens so often, it comes to be predictable.) Sure enough, dude fucking puts his hand on my ass. I gently moved his arm out of the way with my elbow and glared at him. Nope, he was a genuine jerk, he waited until I was looking forward again and put his hand on my ass. Again. He got a strong elbow straight to the lower ribs, right where it could cause some pain to a rib and also hit the soft spot where it knocked the wind out of him. I glaaaared at him and he eked out a "*gack*...soooooorry *gack, gack*" TAI CHI FOR THE WIN, MAN.
Like others, I wouldn't do that sort of thing in the dark with no one else around. I did realize later dude could have gotten more physical as well, but there's the thing too: while I didn't consciously realize it, I was on my turf, a dozen feet from my favorite grocery shop, owned and run by women who would totally have my back. It's also a couple hundred feet from a police station. So. Eh. I don't like violence. But I'll be damned if that experience didn't return a hell of a lot of confidence to me and help me feel like, hello world, I live here too, my ass is not your candy jar. You touch me without my consent, there will be consequences. Whether that's an elbow to the ribs or a phone call to the cops or me raising hell in your face, there will be consequences.
That's for the more negative coping strategy. I call it "negative" because getting more physical is a last resort; I'm happy with how I gave the dude multiple clues that his actions would get him in trouble. I showed him I was aware and that his actions were unwelcome by pushing him away gently and glaring, first. More often than not, that does work. That icy glare of "I see you, your actions are unwelcome" is effective on a lot of people, and it helps you too, by reminding you that, hey, yes, I exist, I have just as much right to be here as you do.
On days I get "heyyyy pretty lady, wanna [expletive]" without physical boundary crossing, and I'm in a "do not want to deal" mood, I say I speak a language they're not likely to, in that language, totally deadpan. Works like a charm. Never had it not work, actually. It seems to short-circuit their puny minds. (Yeah, I get the bitterness after 37 years too :) ) At first I worried it might make me more of a "cool, I can follow her and no one will understand her" target, but nope, it doesn't. They really do react with "omg wtf does not compute ack omg wtf". This has the extra bonus of convincing you that the dudes who pull that stuff really are different from the sort who don't, because after years of coming back with that, I have yet to cross a guy who switches to a foreign language with me.
Other good coping strategies are reading feminist magazines with constructive outlooks (I love Bitch), taking part in a sport with other women (I do cycling, but running is good too, anything you enjoy), and the occasional "omg wtf" rant on Facebook limited to friends you trust. That's in addition to the other great suggestions here, of commiserating with friends IRL. I grew up with loads of neat guy friends too, many of them still friends, and so am really lucky to be able to cope by cultivating friendships with them. It helps balance the random dipweeds.
Sport really does help with the whole confidence and physical awareness thing. Even if it is just the confidence that you could outrun them, not necessarily take them on – I would never go further than an elbow to the ribs or maybe a foot tripping up an aggressive dude. But just knowing that you're able to take your place in the world makes a big difference. It is a bit like having a turtle's shell to protect your sensitive side. More positively, it's also a way to really enjoy yourself, and doing that builds that happy, contented side of you that can go, even unspoken, "whatever dude, I have a life." (Therapy's also good for that.)
posted by fraula at 1:51 AM on November 5, 2013 [11 favorites]
- three Christmases ago, I was somewhat-mildly-but-nonetheless assaulted in a mall by a group of teenage twits. "Hurrhurr that chick thinks she's the shit because she's tall, let's cut her down to size" I heard them say while approaching me, and thought nothing of it until the one nearest shot out his arm and smacked me in the forehead. I stopped short and said without even thinking, "the fuck?! You do that to people you don't know?!" They hurr-hurred some more. No one stopped. No one asked if I were all right. I wished I had had the presence to block his arm.
- last week, so, after a year of Tai Chi, which teaches not just positions but all of the subtle movements between positions, I was walking to my favorite grocery shop. 40-year-old dude stops behind me at the red crosswalk light. I set myself in balance. He sidled up to my left, too close for comfort and no excuse given the sidewalk was not crowded at all. I moved my left arm to a position where I could elbow him if it came to that. (Yes, yes indeed, it happens so often, it comes to be predictable.) Sure enough, dude fucking puts his hand on my ass. I gently moved his arm out of the way with my elbow and glared at him. Nope, he was a genuine jerk, he waited until I was looking forward again and put his hand on my ass. Again. He got a strong elbow straight to the lower ribs, right where it could cause some pain to a rib and also hit the soft spot where it knocked the wind out of him. I glaaaared at him and he eked out a "*gack*...soooooorry *gack, gack*" TAI CHI FOR THE WIN, MAN.
Like others, I wouldn't do that sort of thing in the dark with no one else around. I did realize later dude could have gotten more physical as well, but there's the thing too: while I didn't consciously realize it, I was on my turf, a dozen feet from my favorite grocery shop, owned and run by women who would totally have my back. It's also a couple hundred feet from a police station. So. Eh. I don't like violence. But I'll be damned if that experience didn't return a hell of a lot of confidence to me and help me feel like, hello world, I live here too, my ass is not your candy jar. You touch me without my consent, there will be consequences. Whether that's an elbow to the ribs or a phone call to the cops or me raising hell in your face, there will be consequences.
That's for the more negative coping strategy. I call it "negative" because getting more physical is a last resort; I'm happy with how I gave the dude multiple clues that his actions would get him in trouble. I showed him I was aware and that his actions were unwelcome by pushing him away gently and glaring, first. More often than not, that does work. That icy glare of "I see you, your actions are unwelcome" is effective on a lot of people, and it helps you too, by reminding you that, hey, yes, I exist, I have just as much right to be here as you do.
On days I get "heyyyy pretty lady, wanna [expletive]" without physical boundary crossing, and I'm in a "do not want to deal" mood, I say I speak a language they're not likely to, in that language, totally deadpan. Works like a charm. Never had it not work, actually. It seems to short-circuit their puny minds. (Yeah, I get the bitterness after 37 years too :) ) At first I worried it might make me more of a "cool, I can follow her and no one will understand her" target, but nope, it doesn't. They really do react with "omg wtf does not compute ack omg wtf". This has the extra bonus of convincing you that the dudes who pull that stuff really are different from the sort who don't, because after years of coming back with that, I have yet to cross a guy who switches to a foreign language with me.
Other good coping strategies are reading feminist magazines with constructive outlooks (I love Bitch), taking part in a sport with other women (I do cycling, but running is good too, anything you enjoy), and the occasional "omg wtf" rant on Facebook limited to friends you trust. That's in addition to the other great suggestions here, of commiserating with friends IRL. I grew up with loads of neat guy friends too, many of them still friends, and so am really lucky to be able to cope by cultivating friendships with them. It helps balance the random dipweeds.
Sport really does help with the whole confidence and physical awareness thing. Even if it is just the confidence that you could outrun them, not necessarily take them on – I would never go further than an elbow to the ribs or maybe a foot tripping up an aggressive dude. But just knowing that you're able to take your place in the world makes a big difference. It is a bit like having a turtle's shell to protect your sensitive side. More positively, it's also a way to really enjoy yourself, and doing that builds that happy, contented side of you that can go, even unspoken, "whatever dude, I have a life." (Therapy's also good for that.)
posted by fraula at 1:51 AM on November 5, 2013 [11 favorites]
Upon reading your update, I wanted to clarify something -
I didn't advocate occasionally talking back because I thought it'd do something to combat sexism. The reason I advocated occasionally talking back was because it would be a release on the pressure valve for you. It sounds like you've got these intrusive thoughts but you haven't been giving them a chance to escape, except for in here in this thread.
I'm advocating letting them escape a little more often.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:24 AM on November 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
I didn't advocate occasionally talking back because I thought it'd do something to combat sexism. The reason I advocated occasionally talking back was because it would be a release on the pressure valve for you. It sounds like you've got these intrusive thoughts but you haven't been giving them a chance to escape, except for in here in this thread.
I'm advocating letting them escape a little more often.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:24 AM on November 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
What helps for me is being active in groups working to change the structural issues underlying the everyday issues that are plaguing me - eg. a feminist activist group. In addition to giving me the feeling of some progress toward fixing the broader problem, in my experience, such groups will often have check-ins - eg. in one such feminist group we set aside time each meeting for "staircase wit", where we would talk about the harassment we'd experienced since the last meeting that was still bugging us, and brainstorm individual responses that were more empowering for us in the moment. It was generally cathartic and entertaining, but also helped us build our own self-esteem and confidence in asserting ourselves in those situations when we encountered them again (because, as you know all too well, we did of course encounter them again, and again, and again...).
posted by eviemath at 5:32 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by eviemath at 5:32 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
I walk with headphones and sunglasses on, partially for my own entertainment, but partially to make it clear that I can't hear whatever random men could be saying. I don't have a good sense of how frequent it would be otherwise. When I walk with my daughter in a stroller w/o headphones (obviously) it doesn't occur, happily. If it did I might lose my temper.
Recently, Hannah Price, a photographer, came out with an interesting series where she photographed and spoke with those who catcalled her in Philadelphia: City of Brotherly Love. I thought it provided some interesting insight into the catcallers' thought processes.
posted by miss tea at 5:44 AM on November 5, 2013
Recently, Hannah Price, a photographer, came out with an interesting series where she photographed and spoke with those who catcalled her in Philadelphia: City of Brotherly Love. I thought it provided some interesting insight into the catcallers' thought processes.
posted by miss tea at 5:44 AM on November 5, 2013
I'll clarify, the "retaliation" I use above is what helps keep the harassment from eating away at me and making me resent the rest of the men in my life. If I don't directly deal with the guys who are harassing me, then I find I tend to dwell on it, consciously or subconsciously. The structural inequalities arrayed against women are upsetting enough, but I'm generally able to cope by discussing them with friends, female and male (the male friends are important). But the harassment adds an extra layer of resentment and powerlessness that can quickly lead to projecting my anger onto the other men in my life if I don't find ways to feel I'm taking power back. So I confront my harassers.
I know via aforementioned discussions with male friends that there are many guys who are compassionate and thoughtful about sexism. The discussions give me hope that the world can change. But while discussions with friends may help me believe that one day women might have the same earning power as men, it doesn't make me feel any more hopeful or charitable or peaceful about the dude whipping his dick out in the middle of the street. I personally need separate methods of confronting him so my feelings about him don't bleed over into my other interactions. I don't even think I necessarily changed his mind--it just helps me to feel like I'm not totally helpless and for one second this guy realized there exist women who won't take his shit.
posted by Anonymous at 6:46 AM on November 5, 2013
I know via aforementioned discussions with male friends that there are many guys who are compassionate and thoughtful about sexism. The discussions give me hope that the world can change. But while discussions with friends may help me believe that one day women might have the same earning power as men, it doesn't make me feel any more hopeful or charitable or peaceful about the dude whipping his dick out in the middle of the street. I personally need separate methods of confronting him so my feelings about him don't bleed over into my other interactions. I don't even think I necessarily changed his mind--it just helps me to feel like I'm not totally helpless and for one second this guy realized there exist women who won't take his shit.
posted by Anonymous at 6:46 AM on November 5, 2013
When I worked at Sunset and Vine in Hollywood, in the early 90's, I would get harassed constantly. I started putting on my game face before getting out of the car. I looked like no one anyone wanted to mess with. It wasn't successful 100% of the time, but it's become part of me and I rarely get harassed anymore.
Having said that, I tend to deal with it by being involved in social justice. For some reason, making efforts to see that future generations of girls don't have to deal with the same shit helps out a lot.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:56 AM on November 5, 2013
Having said that, I tend to deal with it by being involved in social justice. For some reason, making efforts to see that future generations of girls don't have to deal with the same shit helps out a lot.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:56 AM on November 5, 2013
Heyho, good ideas have been shared here and I agree with many of them.
I want to pick up on the shaming that you endured in that incident. Not just as a woman, but also as a childlike, expectant, joyful person being crushed publicly and absolutely. Then you had to walk in silence without anyone to be on your side, to share or disperse the shame through comradely laughter or retorts.
The outrageous sexism is just fucked up. No question.
Maybe a way to 'use' this incident differently is to consider that something even deeper has been dinged. Something very human (as well as sexist) is reverberating and generating your distress and anger.
Identifying the emotions I experience during upsetting life moments like this is important to me. Usually it is because they call up feelings I've had before. I try to deal with the stuff that affects me most: how *I* feel, not what the culture is doing *to* me. (Being 'done to' creates greater distress and amplifies feelings of helplessness and frustration).
I ask myself, then try to answer:
What do you need?
You need a more evolved social culture around you, you need those assholes to get it, say sorry, be nicer, maybe be punished - yes; but I think you also have a deeper need here. Your eager, beautiful child was belittled and hurt and no one was there to tell you you're a good person who deserves to be delighted in, and how dare anyone say different! Where is the protective parent or the kind strangers you need to console the injured, jeered-at child?
Somehow when we experience a trauma (and being humiliated is the worst feeling!) and we have no one to comfort us in that moment, WE need to tell this to ourselves: you ARE delighted in by the best people in your life, loads of people meet you once or twice and they like you and are nice to you because you are a fantastic person. And those boys are idiots and bullies. They are assholes who made you feel like shit, hurt you and threatened you.
Incidents like the traumatic one you experienced reverberate with other wounds of the same kind we carry in life and anger, distress, futility are signs of the 'double whammy' effect of a new wound opening up an older, archaic one.
Maybe allow yourself some time to connect with some of those that come from being a feeling human, not unilaterally as a woman?
(This is NOT to minimize the distress of sexism and abuse. It is a way I shift myself from despair to being more robust.)
posted by honey-barbara at 7:59 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
I want to pick up on the shaming that you endured in that incident. Not just as a woman, but also as a childlike, expectant, joyful person being crushed publicly and absolutely. Then you had to walk in silence without anyone to be on your side, to share or disperse the shame through comradely laughter or retorts.
The outrageous sexism is just fucked up. No question.
Maybe a way to 'use' this incident differently is to consider that something even deeper has been dinged. Something very human (as well as sexist) is reverberating and generating your distress and anger.
Identifying the emotions I experience during upsetting life moments like this is important to me. Usually it is because they call up feelings I've had before. I try to deal with the stuff that affects me most: how *I* feel, not what the culture is doing *to* me. (Being 'done to' creates greater distress and amplifies feelings of helplessness and frustration).
I ask myself, then try to answer:
What do you need?
You need a more evolved social culture around you, you need those assholes to get it, say sorry, be nicer, maybe be punished - yes; but I think you also have a deeper need here. Your eager, beautiful child was belittled and hurt and no one was there to tell you you're a good person who deserves to be delighted in, and how dare anyone say different! Where is the protective parent or the kind strangers you need to console the injured, jeered-at child?
Somehow when we experience a trauma (and being humiliated is the worst feeling!) and we have no one to comfort us in that moment, WE need to tell this to ourselves: you ARE delighted in by the best people in your life, loads of people meet you once or twice and they like you and are nice to you because you are a fantastic person. And those boys are idiots and bullies. They are assholes who made you feel like shit, hurt you and threatened you.
Incidents like the traumatic one you experienced reverberate with other wounds of the same kind we carry in life and anger, distress, futility are signs of the 'double whammy' effect of a new wound opening up an older, archaic one.
Maybe allow yourself some time to connect with some of those that come from being a feeling human, not unilaterally as a woman?
(This is NOT to minimize the distress of sexism and abuse. It is a way I shift myself from despair to being more robust.)
posted by honey-barbara at 7:59 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
Oh my goodness, yes, the man hating thing. I need these answers too.
Like Mary Poppins said, "though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group, they're rather stupid." That's really the thing. I have men in my life whom I love and respect and admire; but they can all sort of act a little dudely sometimes. It's got to be hard to be mindful and conscientious when you're a member of such a sheltered, privileged class. Sometimes, they slip up. I try to remind myself that they're trying, and that I screw up sometimes too.
One thing that is going to sound really really left field, but has done me a world of good is that my man and I have been doing volunteer work for many years for an animal rescue. The group is very heavily matriarchal, run entirely by women. There are quite a few male volunteers, but I don't think any of them have any sort of authority to make decisions or manage groups or anything. It is a fully volunteer run group, from the top down, and there is a lot of difficult work involved. Hard manual labor, lots of creative problem solving, and tons of flexibility. And it is absolutely amazing how beautifully run that place is. I get tingly just being part of a group that gets so much work done so efficiently and with so little conflict. And it does my heart good to see everyone, including the male volunteers, happily and cheerfully defer to the mostly older ladies who make the decisions.
So I know this might seem really far fetched, but it's this weird little thing I stumbled on accidentally. Just being part of this group of ladies getting things done and seeing everyone genuinely appreciating and respecting them has done wonders for my attitude, so it might be worth trying to find something like that you can get involved in as time and energy allows.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:59 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
Like Mary Poppins said, "though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group, they're rather stupid." That's really the thing. I have men in my life whom I love and respect and admire; but they can all sort of act a little dudely sometimes. It's got to be hard to be mindful and conscientious when you're a member of such a sheltered, privileged class. Sometimes, they slip up. I try to remind myself that they're trying, and that I screw up sometimes too.
One thing that is going to sound really really left field, but has done me a world of good is that my man and I have been doing volunteer work for many years for an animal rescue. The group is very heavily matriarchal, run entirely by women. There are quite a few male volunteers, but I don't think any of them have any sort of authority to make decisions or manage groups or anything. It is a fully volunteer run group, from the top down, and there is a lot of difficult work involved. Hard manual labor, lots of creative problem solving, and tons of flexibility. And it is absolutely amazing how beautifully run that place is. I get tingly just being part of a group that gets so much work done so efficiently and with so little conflict. And it does my heart good to see everyone, including the male volunteers, happily and cheerfully defer to the mostly older ladies who make the decisions.
So I know this might seem really far fetched, but it's this weird little thing I stumbled on accidentally. Just being part of this group of ladies getting things done and seeing everyone genuinely appreciating and respecting them has done wonders for my attitude, so it might be worth trying to find something like that you can get involved in as time and energy allows.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:59 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
I've started reporting this more frequently.
Years ago there was some apartments on a busy corner where these young men would drink and yell at people walking by. I saw them throw water at a homeless person one time so I called the non-emergency line. I thought that's really shitty throwing things at the homeless. It's a dense area and the police showed up before I had gotten to the next block. That apartment never had anyone on the balcony again as far as I saw. And I felt…. empowered.
If I'm walking into work (a hospital) I'll tell security that someone outside the door is harassing female employees and family members. That stops that right quick. If I'm walking by a bank or grocery store that has a security person in it I go in and tell them this person is outside this business doing that. If they don't do anything I'll tell the manager I'm not coming back here if that's what's going to happen as I try to walk into this business. I'm calm, but I'm raising my voice so others can hear me.
I keep the non-emergency number on my phone and use it.
If I'm on the bus and the driver doesn't do anything I'll call the bus company once I get off and tell them the route and time. I want to register my complaint, that I feel unsafe or uncomfortable, that this is not socially acceptable behavior. But usually the bus driver will stop the bus and yell at them which is pretty awesome to watch.
Not harboring hate in your soul however is a difficult factor. By involving authorities I've started to think that yeah this shit is NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE anymore. That makes me feel better about society. I talk with the men in my life about it. I want to make sure they know what's happening to me and other women. I also want to make sure they don't think it's somehow my fault because I'm out after dark or alone or whatever. We will have conversations about why I should be able to do those things like they do.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time with it. Hang in there. The world has love in it. Find those parts and bask in that when you can.
posted by dog food sugar at 11:43 AM on November 5, 2013 [5 favorites]
Years ago there was some apartments on a busy corner where these young men would drink and yell at people walking by. I saw them throw water at a homeless person one time so I called the non-emergency line. I thought that's really shitty throwing things at the homeless. It's a dense area and the police showed up before I had gotten to the next block. That apartment never had anyone on the balcony again as far as I saw. And I felt…. empowered.
If I'm walking into work (a hospital) I'll tell security that someone outside the door is harassing female employees and family members. That stops that right quick. If I'm walking by a bank or grocery store that has a security person in it I go in and tell them this person is outside this business doing that. If they don't do anything I'll tell the manager I'm not coming back here if that's what's going to happen as I try to walk into this business. I'm calm, but I'm raising my voice so others can hear me.
I keep the non-emergency number on my phone and use it.
If I'm on the bus and the driver doesn't do anything I'll call the bus company once I get off and tell them the route and time. I want to register my complaint, that I feel unsafe or uncomfortable, that this is not socially acceptable behavior. But usually the bus driver will stop the bus and yell at them which is pretty awesome to watch.
Not harboring hate in your soul however is a difficult factor. By involving authorities I've started to think that yeah this shit is NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE anymore. That makes me feel better about society. I talk with the men in my life about it. I want to make sure they know what's happening to me and other women. I also want to make sure they don't think it's somehow my fault because I'm out after dark or alone or whatever. We will have conversations about why I should be able to do those things like they do.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time with it. Hang in there. The world has love in it. Find those parts and bask in that when you can.
posted by dog food sugar at 11:43 AM on November 5, 2013 [5 favorites]
Oh and I think my age helps me when I report this. I'm 46. I'm in a position of authority at my work. I channel that work face/voice and calmly, clearly report things that are wrong. I usually simply say this situation is "making me feel unsafe." That phrase works to encourage action.
I have a teacher friend that says she uses her 'teacher voice' to do the same thing. Use the language and tone you use from other parts of your life where you are in control. I don't think I would have be able to do that when I was 20 and the harassment was rampant unfortunately. I blamed myself, let others blame me, was passive and not in any leadership positions anywhere in my life. Age has changed that. Aging is really pretty awesome in a lot of ways.
posted by dog food sugar at 11:53 AM on November 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have a teacher friend that says she uses her 'teacher voice' to do the same thing. Use the language and tone you use from other parts of your life where you are in control. I don't think I would have be able to do that when I was 20 and the harassment was rampant unfortunately. I blamed myself, let others blame me, was passive and not in any leadership positions anywhere in my life. Age has changed that. Aging is really pretty awesome in a lot of ways.
posted by dog food sugar at 11:53 AM on November 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think finding some women-only spaces can really help too, just because it helps to remember that this doesn't happen to you because you are individually bad, but because the world is really screwed up. For example, every Friday when we can, I meet up with 3 of my good female friends, and we drink tea or sit in the park or go out to eat and no matter what, we just talk and talk and talk. It's not that we've ever specifically said: "No Boys Allowed," it's just that it is really therapeutic to hang out with just women sometimes. It drains the resentment a little, like cleaning out a wound.
And I've gotten to the point where I only read websites that are specifically women-oriented, or that have a lot of strong women's voices as a part of the conversation. Because it helps to have those women's voices in my head when I get frustrated or worried. It helps to know that some women are fighting back. It helps to know that other women are angry too.
Sort of relatedly (and it might sound sort of cheesy), I think of myself as belonging to a global community of women--of strong women, of amazing women--and I try and be a positive part of that community. I can't fight back against street harrassment like some women can because I'm not there in my journey yet, but I can be kind to the old lady who starts chatting with me on the bus, and when a woman stops me and asks for directions I can stop and try to be helpful, and if a harried-looking lady with a baby carriage accidentally whacks me as she's trying to get it out of the subway car, I can smile at her and say, "No problem," when she looks back at me worriedly. And I can try to be a kind and generous friend to my female friends, and never get into the catty jealous Hollywood stereotype of what female friendship looks like.
posted by colfax at 7:22 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
And I've gotten to the point where I only read websites that are specifically women-oriented, or that have a lot of strong women's voices as a part of the conversation. Because it helps to have those women's voices in my head when I get frustrated or worried. It helps to know that some women are fighting back. It helps to know that other women are angry too.
Sort of relatedly (and it might sound sort of cheesy), I think of myself as belonging to a global community of women--of strong women, of amazing women--and I try and be a positive part of that community. I can't fight back against street harrassment like some women can because I'm not there in my journey yet, but I can be kind to the old lady who starts chatting with me on the bus, and when a woman stops me and asks for directions I can stop and try to be helpful, and if a harried-looking lady with a baby carriage accidentally whacks me as she's trying to get it out of the subway car, I can smile at her and say, "No problem," when she looks back at me worriedly. And I can try to be a kind and generous friend to my female friends, and never get into the catty jealous Hollywood stereotype of what female friendship looks like.
posted by colfax at 7:22 AM on November 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
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