How, specifically, do you break up with someone?

November 4, 2013 6:48 AM

Yet another break up question: I've decided to end it with my partner of about a year and a half, and I'll keep to the typical advice of being respectful, doing it face to face, making a clean break with no contact, etc. But what exactly do I do? Where? How? When?

I've finally come to the decision that it's not going to work between me (early 20s) and my partner (early 30s). She's a great person and has been nothing but kind and respectful, but I've never been 100% sure about it - we've certainly had our moments, I care about her very much and in general I've enjoyed her company, but recently I just don't feel close to her anymore. As well as this, even at times when it's been good, I've had doubts in the back of my mind about whether I love her enough and whether I'm just wasting her time. It's my first relationship so I never really had anything to compare it to. While I tend to have doubts about everything, I suppose if I'm honest I just don't think it should be so difficult to enjoy it.

I've been kind of distant recently so she probably knows something is up, but I guess it will still come as a shock to her anyway. The thing is, I've never had to do this before and any advice I've read seems to be well-meaning but vague (well, I suppose you can't be too specific with a wide audience). Do I ask if I can come over to her place, or invite her to mine? If I go to her place, she'll have to wake up and have breakfast in the place where she had her heart torn out last night. If I invite her to mine, there's going to come an awkward moment when I'll have to "kick her out". Either way, one of us may have to walk home crying. If I text her the "we-need-to-talk" cliche, how detailed should I be? What can I tell her if she asks "about what?" Some of her stuff is at my place, and some of mine is at hers, should I arrange try and arrange a time for us to exchange stuff immediately post-break up or leave it for a couple of days? She has some family visiting for a few days right now and she texts to tell me she's thinking of me. How can I respond in the meantime?

I'm sort of at a loss here, I hate to have to hurt someone I care about deeply, especially knowing she's still crazy about me. I've kind of drifted away from my friends - while I still talk to some of them, I feel like I'd be taking advantage of someone's patience if I tried to cry on the shoulder of an acquaintance or an old friend I've spoken to once in the last 6 months. I'm sort of worried that if I don't make any solid plans then I just won't do it, that I'll chicken out and let this drag on. I'm also a bit worried about how I'm going to focus on my uni coursework (with strict deadlines) afterwards. Any answers would be appreciated.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Can you meet up at a coffee shop or some place similar? Barring that, go to her house but ask her to step outside. There's no feelings of being trapped when you're out of the house. It also lets you turn and walk away afterwards.
posted by royalsong at 6:58 AM on November 4, 2013

As for what to say, Miko's now legendary breakup blueprint should be helpful.
posted by Dragonness at 6:59 AM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

If you are concerned about a place, perhaps meet in a place where you can either walk and talk, or sit if needed (say, a park that isn't overly busy). There is rarely an ideal way for this to go, and I would focus less on creating the perfect scenario and focus almost entirely on delivery: namely, how can you express yourself honestly and with respect? Because some of the tension for you undoubtedly comes from wanting the relief of doing what you know you need to do, but also treating her with the dignity she deserves.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:02 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Break-ups in real life are seldom as dramatic as they are in archetype. There will be crying (both of you probably) but there is unlikely to be yelling, screaming, "kicking people out", or swearing never to speak to that person ever again. Don't stress too much over "tearing her heart out", or the details of how you're going to get your stuff or how she's going to get her stuff. You're just sitting down to talk about how you're feeling. She's likely to at least somewhat understand, as she's surely noticed that things are not 100% perfect (because they never are). The average breakup involves a statement that there are problems (and generally agreement), a statement from you that you're intending to end the relationship, some discussion of how final this decision is (whether there's a problem to be solved, or a trial separation, or it's really 100% over as of right now), and what happens next (do you intend to cut all contact, do you intend to be friendly, etc).

I've generally done breakups at the dumpee's house, and the dumper then leaves. In public a few times, but it's hard, because there's this feeling of "making a scene" that's really uncomfortable. For a year-plus relationship, I would go to her house. If she's the crying kind of person, then no, not in public, she'd find it embarrassing. If she's a shouty/screamy kind of person, then yes, in public, it's probably good for you to have a buffer.

What this really says, though, is that people are all different. Relationships are all different. Do what seems right, and don't worry about it. I can guarantee that her opinion of the relationship or of you will not be significantly influenced by any particular awkward moment, so long as you do your best to be honest and kind. I mean yes, anybody can pick on any particular action "what a dickwad, I can't believe he'd break up with me {at my own house/at a coffeeshop}!" but it's guaranteed not to really be about that, so don't feel like there's any perfect solution that will keep you from "doing it wrong".
posted by aimedwander at 7:12 AM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

You know this woman better than we do and you know best whether a public setting (like a coffee shop) will add to her distress or mitigate it. I am of the opinion that breaking up with a person in a public space is a disrespectful display of their grief to strangers, but it's not a universal opinion.

I think you wait until her family has left, then call and say, "can I come over and talk to you about something important?" It's okay that this is a blatant signal of what's coming. In fact, it's probably useful. I think you go inside without sitting down or taking off your coat, but I suppose staying on the doorstep is fine.

You speak gently and directly. You tell her you're sorry, but it isn't working for you and you have to break off your relationship. If you have a key, you give it back now; if she has yours, you ask if you can have it back. Assuming her things at your place are not furniture, you have brought them with you, neatly folded in a box or bag, but you tell her that if you've missed anything, she should let you know. Ask whether she will want to pick them up or send a friend. You ask if you can gather your things. You apologize again, wish her well, and see yourself out.

After that moment, her well-being, her comfort and her care is not your responsibility or your privilege. As you are doing this no contact, you don't call her or text her or contact her. You hide or remove her from your social networks. If she calls or messages you, you don't respond (the only exception is the return of personal property). If you run into her on the street, you nod or say hello and keep moving.

You try to take care of yourself, knowing this really sucks for both of you, but that each of you will be fine in the end. If you have been as kind as you can be, you needn't feel guilty, even though you probably will.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:15 AM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]

Please tell her that you are going no-contact. If you don't tell her this, she might really not understand why you haven't gotten in touch to see if she is OK, etc.

And tell her the truth: "I suppose if I'm honest I just don't think it should be so difficult to enjoy it." Few things are worse than being broken up with out of the blue and not understanding what precipitated it.
posted by k8lin at 7:56 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also: I don't want to make you second-guess yourself, but perhaps this is something that you two can talk out and work out. Does she know that there are problems? Does she know how you feel? How does she feel about how you feel? And so on. If you really think this is going to "come as a shock" to her, I have to wonder if you're giving this a fair chance.

Every relationship is different, and I could just be flat-out wrong about this, but I tend to think that two people having discussions and ironing things out could really pave the way for something good, rather than a painful breakup for you both. But I don't really know - it's not my relationship.
posted by k8lin at 8:00 AM on November 4, 2013

I think part of what you're dreading is the fact she'll be devastated because she still loves you and you don't want to hurt her.

Look at it this way. You're setting her free to find someone who can cherish her for who she is, loves her the way she deserves, and is crazy about her.

You will hurt her, but ultimately, you are doing her a great kindness. You need to stop wasting her time. She deserves someone who is sure. Who doesn't have doubts about her. Who doesn't question the future. She deserves that yesterday.

Thing is, she deserves better than you. Not because you're not a great person or whatever, but because she deserves someone who really loves her and wants her, and that's not you. Which is fine, it happens. So when you think you're a terrible person for breaking her heart, realize the alternative -- dragging it out -- is what would make you a terrible person. So don't feel so bad about doing this, really, and don't chicken out and let this drag on any more. I feel you've already kind of mentally checked out on this, and you need to follow through on that sentiment.

And with that in mind, don't think too hard about where she's going to have bad memories of the place you're going to 'break her heart' -- it can be at your place, or her place or whatever, it doesn't matter. Eventually, she will not feel that way about it, for sure. Eventually she'll be fine.

Because she loves you still, (and you obviously care for her deeply) it's important you absolutely don't give her mixed messages, or she'll get false hope. I think there's a tendency to not do this out of kindness, but false hope is incredibly cruel, so be mindful of it. You're the stronger one, so I advise no contact. You need to be firm, but kind with her, making sure she understands it's not that there's anything wrong with her, and that she's great, but she deserves someone who is sure and the like, etc. Like Miko's very popular script.

I would tell her, then let her ask some questions and be prepared for anything she may ask. Like 'but why' or likewise. I'd put an upper limit on the 'talk' -- making sure that I didn't allow any negotiating or the like, but giving her a little closure. Then I'd arrange to exchange stuff within the next couple of days, and go no contact from then on.

You will miss her. You will question if this was a great idea. You will have he urge to contact her again. Don't. It's normal. Ultimately this isn't where you want to be, so hold on to that.

You can do this. Good luck.
posted by Dimes at 9:04 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Breaking up is for sure hard to do and there's no doubt being the dumper is often harder then being the dumpee. I actually think that breaking up at her place would probably be the way to go. This way you can leave when you feel ready and you don't have to ask her to go. As for the no contact thing...while I do think little contact after a break up is always better I'm not necessarily a fan of complete cut off. Is this girl the type of person that could turn into a stalker ex? If so then sure go no contact but if not, I always say leave room for at least one more full conversation after the break up. She's gonna have questions, she's gonna have things she wants to say...things that she may not have been able to think of in the heat of the moment. I think as a curtsy you should leave some doors slightly open just to make sure she has the opportunity for full closure. But in the end it's whatever you feel comfortable doing. The most important thing is to be honest, be respectful, and do it sooner then later. Life is short. Nobody should be in a relationship that's not satisfying. You seem like a good person so I'm sure things will be fine here. It will be awkward but in the end you'll feel better once it's done.
posted by ljs30 at 10:10 AM on November 4, 2013

Go over to her place so you can make an exit at the appropriate time and so she doesn't have to cry in public or drive while distressed. You breaking up with her there won't make it The Place She Got Dumped, because it's her home and therefore much more than just a venue.
posted by greta simone at 11:56 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

I once was broken up with by a guy who took me out on a date as we had normally done for six months, acting completely normal, and then took me back to his apartment and all of a sudden told me it was over.

I'm sure he meant well, but don't blindside someone like that. I would have preferred him to email me. I was so caught off-guard that I allowed myself to be more vulnerable than I would have liked and asked him a bunch of questions. There wasn't really an explanation other than we just didn't click emotionally, so the questions were unanswerable.
posted by xenophile at 12:05 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]