Setting boundries with parents, what is the best approach at 30?
November 4, 2013 4:49 AM Subscribe
I am 30 years old, I have been pretty independent (I left NY to move to VA when I was 21 to go to college and have been here since). My parents recently moved 3 miles from my house about two years ago... it is a blessing, but sometimes it is difficult. I feel I carry "guilt" that I need to keep them company or keep my Mom busy since they don't have any friends or family here, so it makes me feel like I owe them a lot of my time since they basically moved here for me. If I dont call her or see her twice a week its like I've "abandoned" them. How do I get my parents to see this without it sounding like I don't "need" them in my life as much?
posted by BrandNewMe to human relations (15 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I am also extremely open with my mom, and share WAY to much information... I shoulnd't and I have been trying to stop this. I share way too much about my relationships with her so it's her that I run to when I have been hurt. They aren't a big fan of my ex because we had a lot of ups and downs and I would run to my mom feeling like my world was crashing down... a lot of time, discussions and therapy to build myself and there was a slight chance of my ex and I wanting to try to work things out so he came over a couple weekends ago to talk. I get a text from my mom saying "Nice company at your house, I am done with you!! You made this bed, now lie in it", she drove by my house I guess on a hunch and after I said what mom, cmon are you disowning me- that is what she replied. I understand they want the best for me, want me to be happy and do not want to see me hurt... I want all of those things for myself too. The prolem I have is the fact that she drove by, and now they are upset because I lied to them and told them I was out with a friend instead of him being in town. How to I salvage this? What is the best way to get them to see I wasn't lying to them to hurt them but because I am trying to figure things out on my own without involving them, and to set healthy boundries? I feel like I sometimes live my life to please my parents, and I want to stop teling them everything also. I am a good daughter, but have made some poor decisions in my past, so I completely understand their concern and now I feel horribly guilty and am not sure what to do. It has been a week since they have spoken to me and I know they will tell me if I chose to get back with my ex that they will have no part in it, that they dont want me or him near etc.
I know people may say I should listen to my parents about my ex and maybe they are right- I know all of this and am not trying to discuss those issues, but I do believe we are stronger and things that were an issue in the relationship that I divulged to my parents shoulnd't have been discussed with them and kept between us which is why they now hate him. They weren't much of a big deal. My question here is more of how do I set healthy boundries, how do I get her to see that I am not okay with her driving by my house, and how can I explain to them that I'm sorry I wasn't honest, I didnt mean to break their trust in lying about who I was with but It's something I needed to do at the time for me.