Should I tell my boyfriend about my ex who is dying?
October 29, 2013 7:25 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend (lets call him Mike) does not know about my ex boyfriend's existence (Lee). I found out his brother died a couple of months ago, and now he has the same disease and may or may not survive as well. I am quite upset about this, should I tell Mike about him or just keep it to myself?
This is not going to paint me in a good light but when I first started dating Mike, he asked how many guys I have slept with and immediately without letting me answer he said 'I've slept with 5 girls'. I replied without thinking that I've been with 4, and told him the names and a little bit about who they were, but this is a lie as I have been with more (not that many more! 2 or 3 more but to me the number does not matter). I think that these sort of questions are stupid and I feel guilty about blurting out 4.
To be honest I completely forgot about my ex Lee, even though it was a very serious relationship. I also forgot about the other guy, who hurt me. I tend to put bad times of my life to the back of my mind and blank them out, so this could be why I said 4, but as soon as I remembered I did not confess.
I asked my friend if I should confess about this and she said it is none of his business as long as I have no diseases, and that it is too late to tell him now.
I deleted Lee, my ex who I also lived with for a while, from facebook as it was quite a dramatic breakup, even though we generally get along well and he is a kind person. My dad still has him on fb and today he told me that his brother died over the summer and now he has the same strange disease, and I feel quite upset about this. Mike does not know about him at all, let alone that we lived together. I've been quite private about my past relationships, even though he has asked for details but I try to be vague.
My questions:
Should I give my boyfriend the answers he wants even though in my opinion it is generally better to not go into detail?
Should I tell him about this one boyfriend who I lived with and is now dying?
I have been honest in other areas of our relationship, I am very much in love with Mike, i believe he is the one. I am not sure if this is quite a bad lie, I would appreciate your opinions. Thank you in advance.
This is not going to paint me in a good light but when I first started dating Mike, he asked how many guys I have slept with and immediately without letting me answer he said 'I've slept with 5 girls'. I replied without thinking that I've been with 4, and told him the names and a little bit about who they were, but this is a lie as I have been with more (not that many more! 2 or 3 more but to me the number does not matter). I think that these sort of questions are stupid and I feel guilty about blurting out 4.
To be honest I completely forgot about my ex Lee, even though it was a very serious relationship. I also forgot about the other guy, who hurt me. I tend to put bad times of my life to the back of my mind and blank them out, so this could be why I said 4, but as soon as I remembered I did not confess.
I asked my friend if I should confess about this and she said it is none of his business as long as I have no diseases, and that it is too late to tell him now.
I deleted Lee, my ex who I also lived with for a while, from facebook as it was quite a dramatic breakup, even though we generally get along well and he is a kind person. My dad still has him on fb and today he told me that his brother died over the summer and now he has the same strange disease, and I feel quite upset about this. Mike does not know about him at all, let alone that we lived together. I've been quite private about my past relationships, even though he has asked for details but I try to be vague.
My questions:
Should I give my boyfriend the answers he wants even though in my opinion it is generally better to not go into detail?
Should I tell him about this one boyfriend who I lived with and is now dying?
I have been honest in other areas of our relationship, I am very much in love with Mike, i believe he is the one. I am not sure if this is quite a bad lie, I would appreciate your opinions. Thank you in advance.
Be open and honest.
posted by John Cohen at 7:32 PM on October 29, 2013
posted by John Cohen at 7:32 PM on October 29, 2013
You aren't under any obligation to tell him anything.
On the other hand, if you want to tell him, that's totally fine. And, it's also fine to only tell him as much as you want to--i.e., if you don't feel like talking about how long or how serious the relationship was, it's fine to gloss over it and say that Lee is a guy you dated for a while and have been out of touch with for a while, and you heard through mutual Facebook contacts that he's very ill. That's something that's quite natural to be upset about, and unless your boyfriend is a toolbox (I assume he's not), he'll be more concerned about you being upset than in busting you Columbo-style about your past relationships.
posted by kagredon at 7:35 PM on October 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
On the other hand, if you want to tell him, that's totally fine. And, it's also fine to only tell him as much as you want to--i.e., if you don't feel like talking about how long or how serious the relationship was, it's fine to gloss over it and say that Lee is a guy you dated for a while and have been out of touch with for a while, and you heard through mutual Facebook contacts that he's very ill. That's something that's quite natural to be upset about, and unless your boyfriend is a toolbox (I assume he's not), he'll be more concerned about you being upset than in busting you Columbo-style about your past relationships.
posted by kagredon at 7:35 PM on October 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
I would tell him. If you lived with the guy, I assume your family and friends know Lee? It would be terrible if Mike found out about the whole thing because someone else told him, or said something to you in his presence.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:35 PM on October 29, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:35 PM on October 29, 2013 [12 favorites]
I would let your boyfriend know about this. I think any reasonable person would understand why it's upsetting that ANYONE you know is dying, regardless of past relationship status. This is not "My ex-boyfriend is getting married and I'm sad about it." The fact that anyone you were once close to is in such a terrible situation is obviously going to be upsetting, and your boyfriend should want to be there to support you. Honestly - if your boyfriend can't be compassionate and loving about this situation, probably he is not 'the one.'
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:36 PM on October 29, 2013 [39 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:36 PM on October 29, 2013 [39 favorites]
"Boyfriend, a guy I dated seriously a while ago just lost his brother to X disease, and I recently learned that he also has the disease and may lose his life. I am very upset over this because we had a long relationship and it makes me sad to hear about his health. I wanted you to know because I care about you and because I need you to know that I am very upset and worried for this person from my past."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:38 PM on October 29, 2013 [29 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:38 PM on October 29, 2013 [29 favorites]
You might want to think about why you want to tell him these things. That's always helpful for me when I'm thinking "Do I need to tell or should I tell this person this thing?"
posted by k8lin at 7:41 PM on October 29, 2013
posted by k8lin at 7:41 PM on October 29, 2013
Hmm. I don't know that you need to get into what kind of ex Lee was (serious, live-in, someone you had a dramatic break-up with, someone you had sex with) in order to mention the fact that you have an ex who you happen to have heard has a serious illness, from which his brother also died, and you're upset about it. That seems like shareable information to me—you don't really need to provide any more context than that, unless you want to mention something like "Yeah, I'm not even friends with him on Facebook anymore or anything, but someone found out and let me know."
If you had a long-lost roommate from college who you happened to hear had the same thing happen, it would be totally fair game to be upset and talk about it. That's about the level of contact you had with this ex, so I'd approach it from that standpoint, in terms of broaching the conversation. You're allowed to feel sad about this, and I'd hope your boyfriend would be supportive of that.
posted by limeonaire at 7:43 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you had a long-lost roommate from college who you happened to hear had the same thing happen, it would be totally fair game to be upset and talk about it. That's about the level of contact you had with this ex, so I'd approach it from that standpoint, in terms of broaching the conversation. You're allowed to feel sad about this, and I'd hope your boyfriend would be supportive of that.
posted by limeonaire at 7:43 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
You are upset. I think that if your boyfriend is someone you turn to for emotional support and someone who will see you be upset, then you probably should tell him the whole story. If he's someone worth keeping around, he'll understand and listen to your story. He may be a little hurt that you weren't telling him the truth earlier, but your upset should be enough for him to make that his priority as a helpful partner.
posted by inturnaround at 7:53 PM on October 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 7:53 PM on October 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
Also! It speaks well of your dad that he's a caring person who paid attention to what was going on with someone you once knew, even though he's not in your life anymore, and let you know. If you do end up in any sort of conversation about how/from whom you found out, I'd emphasize just that: "My dad's just a really caring guy who likes to stay up-to-date on our friends, and he just thought I might want to know."
posted by limeonaire at 7:59 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by limeonaire at 7:59 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you believe he is "the one," then hopefully you believe you can explain yourself to him and be understood.
In my opinion, the difference between saying you slept with 4 vs. 7 people (or whatever) is pretty minor. If the real answer was "I'm a virgin" or "8500 people," then that's different. So, it's up to you, but I don't personally feel you need to tearfully confess and set the record straight.
If he notices you didn't mention this guy, or if this continues to haunt you, I think you can admit "yeah, to be honest, I didn't really keep count, so I forgot a few people that I remembered later, but I felt strange about revising my answer." You could even more fully explain "I guess I instinctively picked a number just below yours. The whole 'how many people' question actually makes me uncomfortable because there is so much judgment about [women and] sex in our society. I just nervously spoke without thinking. The real number is more like 8, (at the time I honestly could only remember 4), but to be honest, I've lost track. Sorry for not leveling with you sooner."
Be honest and be yourself, because this guy matters to you, but you can do that while also standing by your own belief that this number thing is BS.
posted by salvia at 8:13 PM on October 29, 2013 [16 favorites]
In my opinion, the difference between saying you slept with 4 vs. 7 people (or whatever) is pretty minor. If the real answer was "I'm a virgin" or "8500 people," then that's different. So, it's up to you, but I don't personally feel you need to tearfully confess and set the record straight.
If he notices you didn't mention this guy, or if this continues to haunt you, I think you can admit "yeah, to be honest, I didn't really keep count, so I forgot a few people that I remembered later, but I felt strange about revising my answer." You could even more fully explain "I guess I instinctively picked a number just below yours. The whole 'how many people' question actually makes me uncomfortable because there is so much judgment about [women and] sex in our society. I just nervously spoke without thinking. The real number is more like 8, (at the time I honestly could only remember 4), but to be honest, I've lost track. Sorry for not leveling with you sooner."
Be honest and be yourself, because this guy matters to you, but you can do that while also standing by your own belief that this number thing is BS.
posted by salvia at 8:13 PM on October 29, 2013 [16 favorites]
Telling will add to the drama because it will come out that you lied.
DON'T DO IT LIKE THIS.
For now, seek solace elsewhere.
--------
When you're not upset you and your boyfriend need to have a talk about the inappropriate way he probes your past. I dunno how you tell him you blurted out the wrong number without causing him to doubt you, but you're going to have to sort this out.
I hope he's mature enough to see he should never ever have put you on the spot like that. I hope you guys emerge from the conversation in good standing with each other.
I hope you see that deepening a relationship with someone you (felt the need to) lie(d) to, is a very very poor strategy for long term relationship happiness.
You're not a bad person or anything. It's just that stuff like this happens and those little white lies always come back to bite you.
It's also better not to be in a relationship with anyone who keeps score like your guy does, or makes you feel so vulnerable that fudging the truth seems better than sticking up for yourself and saying something like...
"I'm not comfortable continuing with this topic of conversation. It feels invasive and we should BOTH keep our past in the past as we get to know each other. Thanks for respecting my feelings on this."
posted by jbenben at 8:14 PM on October 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
DON'T DO IT LIKE THIS.
For now, seek solace elsewhere.
--------
When you're not upset you and your boyfriend need to have a talk about the inappropriate way he probes your past. I dunno how you tell him you blurted out the wrong number without causing him to doubt you, but you're going to have to sort this out.
I hope he's mature enough to see he should never ever have put you on the spot like that. I hope you guys emerge from the conversation in good standing with each other.
I hope you see that deepening a relationship with someone you (felt the need to) lie(d) to, is a very very poor strategy for long term relationship happiness.
You're not a bad person or anything. It's just that stuff like this happens and those little white lies always come back to bite you.
It's also better not to be in a relationship with anyone who keeps score like your guy does, or makes you feel so vulnerable that fudging the truth seems better than sticking up for yourself and saying something like...
"I'm not comfortable continuing with this topic of conversation. It feels invasive and we should BOTH keep our past in the past as we get to know each other. Thanks for respecting my feelings on this."
posted by jbenben at 8:14 PM on October 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Tell him immediately and let him know if you plan to contact Lee, which is likely I assume? If he has a problem with any of this he's basically a horrible person and it doesn't sound like he is. Any normal person would be supportive of their partner when an old friend is dying, give him some credit here.
posted by fshgrl at 8:48 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 8:48 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
If I discovered my lady had lied to me about something so trivial I'd be really disappointed, but not nearly as disappointed as I'd be if I found out something that really upset her had happened and she didn't feel like she could trust me to support her.
posted by The Monkey at 9:25 PM on October 29, 2013 [20 favorites]
posted by The Monkey at 9:25 PM on October 29, 2013 [20 favorites]
I always thought the whole point of having a boy/girlfriend is so you can share experiences and "feelings" with them. This is the stuff that's supposed to bring you closer together. 2nding what The Monkey says above. Being too embarrassed to fess up accurately about past intimates isn't horrible. Just human. Can you be sure your boyfriend is being 100% truthful & accurate about his past ?
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:27 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:27 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you're at all serious about Mike, don't shut him out of this part of your life. Secrets are corrosive and this is such a silly one to let come between you.
posted by Salamandrous at 9:47 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Salamandrous at 9:47 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mike thinks your past is important, so telling him will be a big deal and him realizing you (inadvertently) hid something from him may cause him to freak a bit, but better to find out now than later. Tell him, but be prepared to have to talk about it. You lived with Lee and Mark does not know that? He should have no issue with it, but even if he does, he should know that.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:59 PM on October 29, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:59 PM on October 29, 2013
I think you should tell him because this matters to you and when you plan to build a life with someone, these are the things you share. Also, it is currently affecting you and if you are in tune with each other at all, he will know something's up but without context, he will be either mystified or jumping to the wrong conclusions, which is a whole set of complications that neither of you needs. You could hedge your bets and leave the particulars of your relationship ambiguous, but I think that's a bad idea because this wasn't some random hook-up or a person you casually dated. It was a serious relationship that involved cohabitation. If that comes out in another way, which is very likely, not being forthright now will come back to haunt you. While it won't be fun to explain, I think your boyfriend will understand, but there is probably going to be some uncomfortable moments before it's a non-issue and you should prepare yourself for that.
Personally, the whole number of sexual partners conversation is a bit off-putting, but having that type of a conversation isn't necessarily a red flag, especially if things in the relationship are good. While I don't think fudging your number is that big of a deal, if I found out my partner forgot to mention someone s/he lived with, I'd be a bit taken aback. So, prepare yourself for that possible reaction because while he probably will not care that your exact number was off by a couple of people, he could be understandably concerned that you neglected to mention such a significant relationship, even if it was truly innocent slip. That said, this is totally fixable and if this person is truly the one for you, you should do that sooner rather than later. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:17 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Personally, the whole number of sexual partners conversation is a bit off-putting, but having that type of a conversation isn't necessarily a red flag, especially if things in the relationship are good. While I don't think fudging your number is that big of a deal, if I found out my partner forgot to mention someone s/he lived with, I'd be a bit taken aback. So, prepare yourself for that possible reaction because while he probably will not care that your exact number was off by a couple of people, he could be understandably concerned that you neglected to mention such a significant relationship, even if it was truly innocent slip. That said, this is totally fixable and if this person is truly the one for you, you should do that sooner rather than later. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:17 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think it'd be best to tell Mike about Lee especially if you plan on contacting Lee. Mike may be a little upset but I'd think he'll be okay. Having someone that was obviously an important part of your life become so ill seems like something you'd want to share with Mike especially since you see your future with him.
posted by wildflower at 10:18 PM on October 29, 2013
posted by wildflower at 10:18 PM on October 29, 2013
You can be upset about something without telling you about it. Unless asked directly, there's no need to share and if there wasn't a Seinfeld episode making it clear that attempting to amend your "count" is a bad idea, then there should have been.
Occasionally, we will have situations where we would like to express ourselves to our partners about bad feelings, but real and practical reasons make this difficult. If you think you fit in that category, ask yourself how much you would be helped by disclosing this to him, and how much he, you and the couple would be hurt about it.
If you will be contacting Lee, you should tell him. But, please, please, please verify the truth of the medical issues before suddenly contacting Lee. Call me an older man, but if I was cut off on facebook and nutty, I'd think I'd say that first.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:48 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Occasionally, we will have situations where we would like to express ourselves to our partners about bad feelings, but real and practical reasons make this difficult. If you think you fit in that category, ask yourself how much you would be helped by disclosing this to him, and how much he, you and the couple would be hurt about it.
If you will be contacting Lee, you should tell him. But, please, please, please verify the truth of the medical issues before suddenly contacting Lee. Call me an older man, but if I was cut off on facebook and nutty, I'd think I'd say that first.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:48 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The rule is you can be transparent about your past but not in a way that is intentionally hurtful to your current partner. This is subject to much debate of course. You probably are and always will be the best judge of this.
I humbly submit as one voice out of many that, not unlike a lot of people, you have a major people-pleasing thing going on that overshadows the details of the current situation you find yourself in. I know because I used to have it really bad. Little lies like I slept with less people than you. I loved other people in the past (I mean, who hasn't?) becomes the thing of secrets and an ex-boyfriend on his deathbed becomes a private matter and the subject of immense, unshared, unspoken personal sorrow. Vagueness is another very relatable tactic.
The crazy thing is when we put on this act, we are also more likely to become resentful of our own partner's similar shortcomings. They may even be doing the same thing as us, but we are so preoccupied with our own maze of half-truths that we are none the wiser. We may even wonder who is this person that I've created that our partner loves, if it is not my true self. The road paved with good intentions, etc. How quickly things spiral out of "control."
Maintaining such relationships becomes contingent on leading a double life and corrode over time. Unconditional love quickly turns into conditional love.
I want to tell you that, despite appearances, and common parlance, you don't actually have the power to influence people with these little shortcuts. The person who actually wants to be with you no matter what - is actually going to be with you no matter what. And that means they are going to see you make a mistake. It simply cannot be any other way. And that person that still loves you is the one you might want to consider spending the rest of your life with.
Young people may claim persuasively to seek perfection in their partner - most likely to compensate for their own lack of it; but as you get older, the qualities that important, mature decisions are based on are honesty, acceptance and willingness. Have a little faith that this can be so. We do not all need lovisa91 to be perfect in order to love her. In fact, you can be an extremely humble blend of good and bad. The human condition is in fact so. "Perfection is what I thought you wanted," the saying goes. The reality is that perfectionism and bitterness go hand in hand.
Somebody loved me once for exactly who I was. It is an incredible gift to share with someone. To allow someone to stumble and love them anyway, to let them not have to put on an act. To achieve total self-unawareness. I don't exactly know how these situations come about, but maybe they are earned, maybe they involve a certain element of risk and vulnerability, and maybe they involve a leap of faith.
So I would address the root problem. It's not your ex-boyfriend, it's not the fact that he's dying. It's you. If you pull a weed out by the root, it will disappear. If you simply trim it, it will grow back twice as strong. I think you want to be honest with this guy, and have him stick around. I think it's possible that you want to stick your toe in the pool of unconditional love. I think if you apologize to your boyfriend for the right thing, he'll intuitively understand and have a lot of compassion for you, and feel loved by you. He'll understand and not feel threatened.
Give yourself some credit. You love the shit out of your boyfriend. I salute you for even feeling this way for another person. It's a wonderful thing. I hope I've created enough clearance for you to believe in making your own intuitive decision, and I hope things work out.
posted by phaedon at 1:51 AM on October 30, 2013 [34 favorites]
I humbly submit as one voice out of many that, not unlike a lot of people, you have a major people-pleasing thing going on that overshadows the details of the current situation you find yourself in. I know because I used to have it really bad. Little lies like I slept with less people than you. I loved other people in the past (I mean, who hasn't?) becomes the thing of secrets and an ex-boyfriend on his deathbed becomes a private matter and the subject of immense, unshared, unspoken personal sorrow. Vagueness is another very relatable tactic.
The crazy thing is when we put on this act, we are also more likely to become resentful of our own partner's similar shortcomings. They may even be doing the same thing as us, but we are so preoccupied with our own maze of half-truths that we are none the wiser. We may even wonder who is this person that I've created that our partner loves, if it is not my true self. The road paved with good intentions, etc. How quickly things spiral out of "control."
Maintaining such relationships becomes contingent on leading a double life and corrode over time. Unconditional love quickly turns into conditional love.
I want to tell you that, despite appearances, and common parlance, you don't actually have the power to influence people with these little shortcuts. The person who actually wants to be with you no matter what - is actually going to be with you no matter what. And that means they are going to see you make a mistake. It simply cannot be any other way. And that person that still loves you is the one you might want to consider spending the rest of your life with.
Young people may claim persuasively to seek perfection in their partner - most likely to compensate for their own lack of it; but as you get older, the qualities that important, mature decisions are based on are honesty, acceptance and willingness. Have a little faith that this can be so. We do not all need lovisa91 to be perfect in order to love her. In fact, you can be an extremely humble blend of good and bad. The human condition is in fact so. "Perfection is what I thought you wanted," the saying goes. The reality is that perfectionism and bitterness go hand in hand.
Somebody loved me once for exactly who I was. It is an incredible gift to share with someone. To allow someone to stumble and love them anyway, to let them not have to put on an act. To achieve total self-unawareness. I don't exactly know how these situations come about, but maybe they are earned, maybe they involve a certain element of risk and vulnerability, and maybe they involve a leap of faith.
So I would address the root problem. It's not your ex-boyfriend, it's not the fact that he's dying. It's you. If you pull a weed out by the root, it will disappear. If you simply trim it, it will grow back twice as strong. I think you want to be honest with this guy, and have him stick around. I think it's possible that you want to stick your toe in the pool of unconditional love. I think if you apologize to your boyfriend for the right thing, he'll intuitively understand and have a lot of compassion for you, and feel loved by you. He'll understand and not feel threatened.
Give yourself some credit. You love the shit out of your boyfriend. I salute you for even feeling this way for another person. It's a wonderful thing. I hope I've created enough clearance for you to believe in making your own intuitive decision, and I hope things work out.
posted by phaedon at 1:51 AM on October 30, 2013 [34 favorites]
Like Lee, we are all dying. We all may or may not survive as well.
"To be honest I completely forgot about my ex Lee, even though it was a very serious relationship." Then your Dad checked his FB and went and Bettlejuiced Lee right back into your thoughts after you'd successfully forgotten all about Lee. Now you're upset. (Thanks, Dad?)
Oy. The things our parents choose to tell us about their views of our past partners carry a lot of emotional weight. Maybe your Dad is trying to say he thinks kind Mr. Lee was a better partner for you than Mike is. Or your Dad means well, but doesn't have a clue that he's completely stirred the pot. Be that as it may, you have no real evidence that Lee is about to actually drop dead soon, anymore than any one of us might die tomorrow.
What does this have to do with the fact that you told a totally socially-acceptable little white lie to Mike ages ago when he put you on the spot about your number of partners? BTW, @salvia above has perfectly nailed it as to why, in context, what you said to Mike was an ok fib: "In my opinion, the difference between saying you slept with 4 vs. 7 people (or whatever) is pretty minor. If the real answer was "I'm a virgin" or "8500 people," then that's different." EXACTLY.
My answers to your questions:
1) No - do not go into new detail with Mike! He already has the close enough answer he wanted. In the future, do your best to be brave enough to be perfectly honest with your sex partners. We only lie about things we're ashamed of, and ain't no shame in your game!
2) No - technically ALL of your ex-boyfriends are dying, and you honestly don't know about Lee's health at all. You THINK you do, but given the lack of evidence, you really don't.
3) No - it was not a bad lie at all.
Maybe think about how the causes of your sudden upset feelings about Lee's potential demise connect with your feelings (of guilt? of regret?) about your response to Mike. In psychology, they say death is connected to sex. I'm with @phaedon here that you should "address the root problem. It's not your ex-boyfriend, it's not the fact that he's dying. It's you." You have a people-pleasing thing going on (Amen, @phaedon) that your Dad's words to you about Lee have triggered, and that could prevent you from showing up in your relationships and in your life as your best, most authentic self. Work on that.
posted by hush at 3:54 AM on October 30, 2013
"To be honest I completely forgot about my ex Lee, even though it was a very serious relationship." Then your Dad checked his FB and went and Bettlejuiced Lee right back into your thoughts after you'd successfully forgotten all about Lee. Now you're upset. (Thanks, Dad?)
Oy. The things our parents choose to tell us about their views of our past partners carry a lot of emotional weight. Maybe your Dad is trying to say he thinks kind Mr. Lee was a better partner for you than Mike is. Or your Dad means well, but doesn't have a clue that he's completely stirred the pot. Be that as it may, you have no real evidence that Lee is about to actually drop dead soon, anymore than any one of us might die tomorrow.
What does this have to do with the fact that you told a totally socially-acceptable little white lie to Mike ages ago when he put you on the spot about your number of partners? BTW, @salvia above has perfectly nailed it as to why, in context, what you said to Mike was an ok fib: "In my opinion, the difference between saying you slept with 4 vs. 7 people (or whatever) is pretty minor. If the real answer was "I'm a virgin" or "8500 people," then that's different." EXACTLY.
My answers to your questions:
1) No - do not go into new detail with Mike! He already has the close enough answer he wanted. In the future, do your best to be brave enough to be perfectly honest with your sex partners. We only lie about things we're ashamed of, and ain't no shame in your game!
2) No - technically ALL of your ex-boyfriends are dying, and you honestly don't know about Lee's health at all. You THINK you do, but given the lack of evidence, you really don't.
3) No - it was not a bad lie at all.
Maybe think about how the causes of your sudden upset feelings about Lee's potential demise connect with your feelings (of guilt? of regret?) about your response to Mike. In psychology, they say death is connected to sex. I'm with @phaedon here that you should "address the root problem. It's not your ex-boyfriend, it's not the fact that he's dying. It's you." You have a people-pleasing thing going on (Amen, @phaedon) that your Dad's words to you about Lee have triggered, and that could prevent you from showing up in your relationships and in your life as your best, most authentic self. Work on that.
posted by hush at 3:54 AM on October 30, 2013
Response by poster: Thank you all, these are insightful and really made me think about my intentions of telling him. You are right @hush and @phaedon about the people pleasing...
I will tell my boyfriend in the least hurtful manner, but I won't be seeing him for two weeks, so I can only tell him over skype. Should I wait to tell him in person?
posted by lovisa91 at 5:00 AM on October 30, 2013
I will tell my boyfriend in the least hurtful manner, but I won't be seeing him for two weeks, so I can only tell him over skype. Should I wait to tell him in person?
posted by lovisa91 at 5:00 AM on October 30, 2013
Yes, wait to tell him in person. Not to sound cold but in 2 weeks' time you may not be so upset about this ex's health anyway. You'd put him completely out of your mind prior to this and your current emotional state may be more shock-related than ongoing grief/worry-related. Tell your current bf about him but don't make it A THING. All of your exes will die, as will your bf's exes.
posted by headnsouth at 5:07 AM on October 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 5:07 AM on October 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't want to be harsh, but if Lee dies, will you be attending his funeral? Will you have to lie in order to attend the funeral without Mike finding out? If Lee recovers, will you be sending him a note of congratulations, or making a phone call, or attending the celebration party? What happens if Lee responds to your letter/phone call, or sends a thank-you note for your party attendance, and Mike finds out?
And all that risk, just because you lied for no good reason whatsoever, and now feel too embarrassed to admit it.
If Mike is the right one, he will probably be annoyed that you felt you couldn't share the truth earlier -- and will probably ask you to share all the things you haven't, an amnesty if you will, to clear the slate clean -- but he'll probably also be glad you're the kind of person who cares about people even after the relationship has ended, and that you felt it better to admit your foolish, stupid, pointless lie rather than turn it into a much worse one by continuing to lie, or by getting caught in the original lie.
So just sit him down and tell him that you're stressed out because your dad informed you that someone you used to be in a relationship with has contracted a likely fatal illness, and that you want to be able to talk to him about it so he can support you, but that means you have to admit that you lied to him about something stupid, for no good reason at all, even though you've been embarrassed since the moment you did it...and you trust he'll hear you out and be thoughtful in his reply, because you know that's the kind of guy he is.
posted by davejay at 1:18 PM on October 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
And all that risk, just because you lied for no good reason whatsoever, and now feel too embarrassed to admit it.
If Mike is the right one, he will probably be annoyed that you felt you couldn't share the truth earlier -- and will probably ask you to share all the things you haven't, an amnesty if you will, to clear the slate clean -- but he'll probably also be glad you're the kind of person who cares about people even after the relationship has ended, and that you felt it better to admit your foolish, stupid, pointless lie rather than turn it into a much worse one by continuing to lie, or by getting caught in the original lie.
So just sit him down and tell him that you're stressed out because your dad informed you that someone you used to be in a relationship with has contracted a likely fatal illness, and that you want to be able to talk to him about it so he can support you, but that means you have to admit that you lied to him about something stupid, for no good reason at all, even though you've been embarrassed since the moment you did it...and you trust he'll hear you out and be thoughtful in his reply, because you know that's the kind of guy he is.
posted by davejay at 1:18 PM on October 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @Davejay, thank you for your comment. I do hope he accepts it, he may be very upset though which would not surprise me as he takes these things very seriously. I forgot about this ex as he put me on the spot, we were in bed and he asked me. I got nervous, then after realizing I never really had an opportunity to tell him without making a big deal out of it. I should be more open about my past, I'm just scared people don't really care.
posted by lovisa91 at 6:24 PM on October 30, 2013
posted by lovisa91 at 6:24 PM on October 30, 2013
It is very hard to resist commenting on your relationship. I think it's very easy to manipulate a stranger's (my) perception of a situation (and therefore the advice given) based on the words you use, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But hearing you talking about a guy that "takes things very seriously" and makes it a habit of "putting you on the spot," this is code for "stubborn," "immature," "kind of a dick" and "not husband material." One wonders if your people-pleasing is so out of hand that you equate conformity to someone else's rigid standards as acceptance, and whether or not you have a tendency to attract people in your life that offer punishing levels of rigidity. Be careful.
I would scoot the fuck on if this turns into a huge issue. I'm all for "not texting" and communicating important things in person, but give me a break. A hundred years ago, there weren't airplanes and you would imagine couples apart had to communicate important developments by letter. If you need to manage the scenery this tightly just to issue an apology, then let's just get on with it and say what you're not saying. The only reason a guy would get that fucked up over something like this is unbelievable jealousy. And furthermore, he derives emotional security in your delivering a totally perfect performance as a partner. This is really going to fuck you up in the long run. I don't even want to speculate exactly how.
I'm all for not being hurtful, but please don't turn yourself into a fucking pretzel just because you're human and made a mistake. If you fear wrath, get the fuck out. If you fear loneliness, trust me, the only way you'll meet "the right guy" is by not dating "the wrong guy." Make a clearing.
In the meantime, stop asking people how to "pull this off." You need to figure out how to trust your own intuition. And you need to be okay with making mistakes. Embracing failure is the path to success in anything. Maybe you are too young to realize this, but anyone pretending otherwise is a fucking fraud.
posted by phaedon at 4:06 AM on October 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would scoot the fuck on if this turns into a huge issue. I'm all for "not texting" and communicating important things in person, but give me a break. A hundred years ago, there weren't airplanes and you would imagine couples apart had to communicate important developments by letter. If you need to manage the scenery this tightly just to issue an apology, then let's just get on with it and say what you're not saying. The only reason a guy would get that fucked up over something like this is unbelievable jealousy. And furthermore, he derives emotional security in your delivering a totally perfect performance as a partner. This is really going to fuck you up in the long run. I don't even want to speculate exactly how.
I'm all for not being hurtful, but please don't turn yourself into a fucking pretzel just because you're human and made a mistake. If you fear wrath, get the fuck out. If you fear loneliness, trust me, the only way you'll meet "the right guy" is by not dating "the wrong guy." Make a clearing.
In the meantime, stop asking people how to "pull this off." You need to figure out how to trust your own intuition. And you need to be okay with making mistakes. Embracing failure is the path to success in anything. Maybe you are too young to realize this, but anyone pretending otherwise is a fucking fraud.
posted by phaedon at 4:06 AM on October 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
Definitely tell him. The more honesty the better. And besides, the fact that Mike blurted out "I've had sex with five women!" probably means he boned 15.
posted by ReeMonster at 12:13 PM on November 3, 2013
posted by ReeMonster at 12:13 PM on November 3, 2013
"I've had sex with five women!" probably means he boned 15
I think the usual rule of thumb is that men multiply their numbers (to look more desirable?) while women reduce them (so the weak-ass male who almost certainly pressured her to reveal her sexual history doesn't feel hurt?), so the opposite is more likely, IMHO.
So maybe he's being honest about his 5, or maybe you need to have a broad definition of what constitutes sex to find his figure.
posted by The Monkey at 6:42 PM on November 5, 2013
I think the usual rule of thumb is that men multiply their numbers (to look more desirable?) while women reduce them (so the weak-ass male who almost certainly pressured her to reveal her sexual history doesn't feel hurt?), so the opposite is more likely, IMHO.
So maybe he's being honest about his 5, or maybe you need to have a broad definition of what constitutes sex to find his figure.
posted by The Monkey at 6:42 PM on November 5, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ftm at 7:30 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]