Can I learn to cope with possibly permanent lack of a sex and love life?
October 28, 2013 7:27 AM Subscribe
I'm a straight guy, late thirties. I have little sexual experience and have never been in a romantic relationship, for reasons of social anxiety and body image which I won't get into here. It's coming to seem possible that this will never change, and that thought is extremely painful to me. How can I learn to live with it?
posted by anonymous to human relations (35 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
Great sex with a woman I passionately love has been the single thing I've wanted most intensely and most constantly in my life. I've never had it. I've had hardly any sex at all, none of it what anyone could call great and none of it with someone I loved. This is painful and disappointing in itself, but in addition I have the feeling that it might be too late, I've missed the boat and the opportunity isn't coming back. This is for several reasons. First, my libido is a shadow of what it was at 20 or 25, so that even if I were to find a romantic partner, the sex wouldn't be anything like what it could have been then. Second, I don't think I can fall in love anymore the way I did when I was younger (always unrequitedly, alas), so that the experience of having sex with someone you're head over heels in love with may be one I'll never have. And lastly (I'm embarrassed to say this but it's true), I'm just not that physically attracted to most women my age or older, so that as I age it seems my chances of sex with a woman whose body I find irresistible are receding.
The above came out more about sex than I intended, but the love aspect of it bothers me just as much. Even putting sex aside, the experience of being intensely in love, the way you can when you're young and don't have to think about the future, is one I've never had and very possibly never will, and I feel like I've missed out on one of the best parts of life.
I'm not asking for advice on how to find a partner - that's a separate question. What I'm asking here is this: given that (a) my past is out of my control, and (b) there's at least a possibility that the future will look the same, what do I do with the pain that these thoughts cause me to feel? How can I stop grieving for this dream that never came true, and how can I learn not to mind so much that it's possible it never will?