Why can't I stop thinking/dreaming about my first love?
October 22, 2013 12:35 PM Subscribe
I'm a 29 y.o female, engaged to a wonderful man who I've been with for almost 3 years. Our relationship has the normal stresses and strains, but I feel like I am authentically 'me' when I am with him, which is what was missing from my prior relationship. Except I still think about that relationship a lot. Especially in my sleep. I'm looking for help on how to reconcile my brain to the fact I'm no longer with someone who I was with for so long.
I was with my ex-boyfriend for nearly 9 years, from the age of 17 to 25. We went to school together, travelled round Europe together, travelled a lot together and lived together for three years. It ended when I kissed someone else and realised I wasn't happy. I ended it and we initially remained on good terms. I spent about 9 months being single, making lots of mistakes, having a few one-night things and dating before meeting my fiance. Ex has moved on, I've moved on, and both of us are happy.
We're no longer in touch - occasionally we've exchanged a text or tweet, but we're not friends. And I can't seem to get over how weird that is. He was my best friend, my absolute everything for nine years. How do you go from that to never speaking to each other. I regularly have dreams where I've accidentally got back together with him, or am cheating on my fiance with him (not sexually - just that I am spending time with him).
Is this common? Is there anything I can do to come to peace with us no longer being in each others lives? I also have a lot of guilt about how appalling I treated my ex. I never slept with anyone else, but I had a lot of crushes and a couple of emotional affairs. [This isn't something I can really talk to my partner about. He didn't know me when I was with my ex so I don't think he's entirely convinced that the breakup was entirely led by me.]
I was with my ex-boyfriend for nearly 9 years, from the age of 17 to 25. We went to school together, travelled round Europe together, travelled a lot together and lived together for three years. It ended when I kissed someone else and realised I wasn't happy. I ended it and we initially remained on good terms. I spent about 9 months being single, making lots of mistakes, having a few one-night things and dating before meeting my fiance. Ex has moved on, I've moved on, and both of us are happy.
We're no longer in touch - occasionally we've exchanged a text or tweet, but we're not friends. And I can't seem to get over how weird that is. He was my best friend, my absolute everything for nine years. How do you go from that to never speaking to each other. I regularly have dreams where I've accidentally got back together with him, or am cheating on my fiance with him (not sexually - just that I am spending time with him).
Is this common? Is there anything I can do to come to peace with us no longer being in each others lives? I also have a lot of guilt about how appalling I treated my ex. I never slept with anyone else, but I had a lot of crushes and a couple of emotional affairs. [This isn't something I can really talk to my partner about. He didn't know me when I was with my ex so I don't think he's entirely convinced that the breakup was entirely led by me.]
This post was deleted for the following reason: -- taz
This isn't something I can really talk to my partner about. He didn't know me when I was with my ex so I don't think he's entirely convinced that the breakup was entirely led by me.
This is a much, much bigger problem than still thinking about someone with whom you had a long, intimate relationship.
I would spend some time thinking about why you can't talk about this with your fiancé.
posted by jesourie at 12:49 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is a much, much bigger problem than still thinking about someone with whom you had a long, intimate relationship.
I would spend some time thinking about why you can't talk about this with your fiancé.
posted by jesourie at 12:49 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Dreaming is your brain's way of cleaning your buffer. You may be in the process of re-organizing those memories. Putting them away in the attic so to speak. This may be the process by which your brain acknowledges that you're emotionally over your Ex and it may be preparing a new space in your ROM for your husband to be.
Forgive yourself for the way your last relationship ended. Nothing is ever just you, and besides, you can't go back in time and change things. If you feel that more kindness is needed, spill that out in the would as an apology to your ex. Pay a toll for the guy behind you, help that little old lady pump her gas. Do these kindnesses in his honor.
Leave the past in the past, move into the present and plan a glorious future.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:53 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Forgive yourself for the way your last relationship ended. Nothing is ever just you, and besides, you can't go back in time and change things. If you feel that more kindness is needed, spill that out in the would as an apology to your ex. Pay a toll for the guy behind you, help that little old lady pump her gas. Do these kindnesses in his honor.
Leave the past in the past, move into the present and plan a glorious future.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:53 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Super-duper common. I still frequently dream about my first big love/heartbreak... haven't seen him in a decade and a half. Sometimes I think that the juvenile brain is like wet cement... things sometimes leave a deeper imprint in it than they really, truly warrant. In any event, if you're happy with your current partner, I'd just chalk it up to brain/emotion-weirdness and not dwell on it too much.
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:58 PM on October 22, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:58 PM on October 22, 2013 [11 favorites]
I'm asking this rhetorically because it doesn't change my advice, but why aren't you still friends with your ex? Is it because you don't want to be? Or is it because you don't think that's what people who aren't together any more do? Or is it because of your partner?
The answer to that question might help you think about why you are thinking about him so much.
But either way, it's normal. I have dreams about people from high school, people from college, people who I literally give no waking thought towards, and yes, the occasional dreaded ex. I wake up from a lot of them wishing that I hadn't dreamed about them. Some of them are quite unpleasant. But I don't think it means I'm unhappy with my current life; if anything, it usually means I'm unhappy with the life I used to have.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:58 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
The answer to that question might help you think about why you are thinking about him so much.
But either way, it's normal. I have dreams about people from high school, people from college, people who I literally give no waking thought towards, and yes, the occasional dreaded ex. I wake up from a lot of them wishing that I hadn't dreamed about them. Some of them are quite unpleasant. But I don't think it means I'm unhappy with my current life; if anything, it usually means I'm unhappy with the life I used to have.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:58 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think it is common. When I first got together with my now-husband, and then again when we got engaged, and then again at another period of relationship transition, I dreamed relentlessly about my first boyfriend. Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to really make peace with past relationships like those because I also achieved that in a dream (from which I woke up sobbing) and have never had the same kinds of dreams about him again.
The thing is, I was never confused by or guilty about all of this. The sub-concious is a weird, wild and interesting place but it's not a mirror of what's going on in waking life. In other words, I wasn't concerned this indicated I didn't really love my partner, or wasn't committed to the relationship, or didn't really want to get married. If you are concerned about those kinds of things, then focus on that - because that is a problem. The dreams are not.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:01 PM on October 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
The thing is, I was never confused by or guilty about all of this. The sub-concious is a weird, wild and interesting place but it's not a mirror of what's going on in waking life. In other words, I wasn't concerned this indicated I didn't really love my partner, or wasn't committed to the relationship, or didn't really want to get married. If you are concerned about those kinds of things, then focus on that - because that is a problem. The dreams are not.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:01 PM on October 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
Why does it matter what your current partner thinks about who broke up with who? Why would it be cheating for you to spend time with your ex? I agree with jesourie that it's hinky that you can't talk to your current partner about any of this.
If I were you, I would clear the air by having a casual hangout with your ex. With your current partner present if that is workable and would make you feel better. Want to be friends with your ex? Go be friends with him. From what you've written it sounds like it's been about 4 years since you broke up, and you're in a strong and happy relationship with someone else. How could coffee with someone who used to be part of your life ruin that?
Obviously ignore all this advice if you are actually tempted to get back together. Of course.
posted by Sara C. at 1:04 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I were you, I would clear the air by having a casual hangout with your ex. With your current partner present if that is workable and would make you feel better. Want to be friends with your ex? Go be friends with him. From what you've written it sounds like it's been about 4 years since you broke up, and you're in a strong and happy relationship with someone else. How could coffee with someone who used to be part of your life ruin that?
Obviously ignore all this advice if you are actually tempted to get back together. Of course.
posted by Sara C. at 1:04 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I always have an uptick in dreams and thoughts about exes when I'm entering into a new relationship, or about to dial up a relationship to the next level. I figure it's just my psyche's way of purging.
I don't think you need to discuss your past behavior with your fiance, or even your current musings about your ex. You're still allowed to have a private interior life even when you're coupled up. It would be different if you were wanting to *act* on those thoughts; but if they're just wistful remembrances and sentimental backwash of feelings, I don't see how it would help him or you to vent them. It won't make him feel great, and I don't see how it would make you feel great, either. Maybe take that type of talk to a therapist if it's chewing you up inside?
posted by nacho fries at 1:23 PM on October 22, 2013
I don't think you need to discuss your past behavior with your fiance, or even your current musings about your ex. You're still allowed to have a private interior life even when you're coupled up. It would be different if you were wanting to *act* on those thoughts; but if they're just wistful remembrances and sentimental backwash of feelings, I don't see how it would help him or you to vent them. It won't make him feel great, and I don't see how it would make you feel great, either. Maybe take that type of talk to a therapist if it's chewing you up inside?
posted by nacho fries at 1:23 PM on October 22, 2013
Sounds like it might be anxiety and this is how your brain is dealing with it. Maybe do some journaling or meditating on what might be cause of anxiety if this sounds like it might be the issue.
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:25 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:25 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
If I were you, I would clear the air by having a casual hangout with your ex. With your current partner present if that is workable and would make you feel better. Want to be friends with your ex? Go be friends with him.
This is such a recipe for potential disaster, I initially read it as sarcasm.
The best way to forget is to move on. You are already doing that. But, human memory is not a light switch as much as weakening embers of a fire once bright.
posted by Kruger5 at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is such a recipe for potential disaster, I initially read it as sarcasm.
The best way to forget is to move on. You are already doing that. But, human memory is not a light switch as much as weakening embers of a fire once bright.
posted by Kruger5 at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
I had a bout of nostalgia over an ex-beau right before I married. It's totally normal.
For what it's worth, it was completely meaningless. I married my wonderful husband and while I think of my ex fondly there's nothing romantic there.
posted by 26.2 at 1:48 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, it was completely meaningless. I married my wonderful husband and while I think of my ex fondly there's nothing romantic there.
posted by 26.2 at 1:48 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's entirely normal and it actually would be really weird if you didn't. Memories are memories and people you've been intimate with will stay with you a long time. I still have dreams about my first wife and I've not said a word to her in over 10 years. They're just dreams.
You're fine, enjoy your life with your new partner and build beautiful memories with him that you can dream about (this also happens - a lot - and it's AWESOME.)
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 1:49 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
You're fine, enjoy your life with your new partner and build beautiful memories with him that you can dream about (this also happens - a lot - and it's AWESOME.)
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 1:49 PM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
For what it's worth, the other night I had a dream that I was smoking. I've been a happy ex-smoker for over 2 years and when I woke up, I felt guilty.
I have no desire to EVER smoke again (Thanks Allen Carr!!!) No cravings, no regret when I see other people smoking, no secret thoughts about how wonderful it would be to smoke again, no nothing.... and yet, I still sometimes dream about it.
I would just like you to know that I felt guiltier about the smoking dream than any concerning an ex-boyfriend, and even then I got over that mis-placed guilt very quickly!!!!
posted by JenThePro at 1:54 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have no desire to EVER smoke again (Thanks Allen Carr!!!) No cravings, no regret when I see other people smoking, no secret thoughts about how wonderful it would be to smoke again, no nothing.... and yet, I still sometimes dream about it.
I would just like you to know that I felt guiltier about the smoking dream than any concerning an ex-boyfriend, and even then I got over that mis-placed guilt very quickly!!!!
posted by JenThePro at 1:54 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: He was my best friend, my absolute everything for nine years. How do you go from that to never speaking to each other. . . .Is this common?
For what it's worth, yes, this transition (total intimacy to nothing) is almost so common as to be universally experienced. But it's really really hard! And it DOES feel weird! It's a little like the weirdness you feel when someone dies, but with less closure because you know that technically, they are out there somewhere--so it's even stranger that you don't see them.
As for the guilt, well, that does make things harder. You have the benefit of distance and hindsight to show you where you might have acted differently and more compassionately, but no power to change anything, as it's all done and dusted. Really painful! And odds are you are processing this now because your current relationship is calm, safe, and happy enough that there's nothing left to distract yourself with. Sounds like you had a busy 9 months post-breakup, followed by happy exciting new relationship...not a ton of time for grieving or processing. (Not judging! That's how life happens sometimes.)
Thought: can you take these dreams/thoughts/guilt as object lessons? Things meant to remind you of what you must NOT do in your current relationship? You can even make a conscious process of it. "Oh, I had a dream about ex. Boy, am I happy that I have the chance to do things differently with Fiance. I should really be sure to connect with him today."
posted by like_a_friend at 2:08 PM on October 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
For what it's worth, yes, this transition (total intimacy to nothing) is almost so common as to be universally experienced. But it's really really hard! And it DOES feel weird! It's a little like the weirdness you feel when someone dies, but with less closure because you know that technically, they are out there somewhere--so it's even stranger that you don't see them.
As for the guilt, well, that does make things harder. You have the benefit of distance and hindsight to show you where you might have acted differently and more compassionately, but no power to change anything, as it's all done and dusted. Really painful! And odds are you are processing this now because your current relationship is calm, safe, and happy enough that there's nothing left to distract yourself with. Sounds like you had a busy 9 months post-breakup, followed by happy exciting new relationship...not a ton of time for grieving or processing. (Not judging! That's how life happens sometimes.)
Thought: can you take these dreams/thoughts/guilt as object lessons? Things meant to remind you of what you must NOT do in your current relationship? You can even make a conscious process of it. "Oh, I had a dream about ex. Boy, am I happy that I have the chance to do things differently with Fiance. I should really be sure to connect with him today."
posted by like_a_friend at 2:08 PM on October 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
Dreams like that are common. Try not to read too much into them, other than just brain-reorganization time. I recently married someone wonderful, and I don't have any waking regret over past relationships. But sometimes I have these dreams where I cheat on my now-husband. I hate them, and I always wake with such a sense of self-loathing. But I'm smiling right now because that self-loathing is always followed by this huge wave of relief when I realize it was just a stupid dream! I didn't fuck up anything! Everything is still great!
So that's kind of cute, actually. But I still hate those dreams.
I still wouldn't tell my husband about them, because how hurtful would that conversation be for absolutely no reason? It would hurt him even if I was trying to describe the relief. And I don't want to know what kind of dreams he still has about his exes (who are all married and happy now), because that would just hurt me to think about him dreaming about that stuff. So I leave it alone.
As far as being friends with your ex, it's not for everybody. When I was young and naive, I thought I should be friends with my exes. Ever since I gave up on this, I have lived a happier life with far less drama. Hanging out with my husband's exes (when it has come up) has always been super awkward. There are so many other cool people in the world, if you're looking for friends! Go find them instead.
posted by aabbbiee at 2:26 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
So that's kind of cute, actually. But I still hate those dreams.
I still wouldn't tell my husband about them, because how hurtful would that conversation be for absolutely no reason? It would hurt him even if I was trying to describe the relief. And I don't want to know what kind of dreams he still has about his exes (who are all married and happy now), because that would just hurt me to think about him dreaming about that stuff. So I leave it alone.
As far as being friends with your ex, it's not for everybody. When I was young and naive, I thought I should be friends with my exes. Ever since I gave up on this, I have lived a happier life with far less drama. Hanging out with my husband's exes (when it has come up) has always been super awkward. There are so many other cool people in the world, if you're looking for friends! Go find them instead.
posted by aabbbiee at 2:26 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
i dream about a couple big exes - usually stress dreams. i'm deliriously happy with my husband. don't dwell on the dreams. they likely don't mean anything at all - or rather, your ex is a placeholder in the thing your brain is clearing out.
posted by nadawi at 2:43 PM on October 22, 2013
posted by nadawi at 2:43 PM on October 22, 2013
I just got contacted recently by an ex from long, long ago because she dreamed about me, and felt the need to look me up and tell me. It's not the first time something like that has happened, and it seems to happen exclusively with relationships from their (and my) early 20s. The trick is to accept that they're pleasant memories, and at most use them as an opportunity for reflection/reminiscing, not a baseline for judging your current relationship or an excuse to try and restart one.
posted by davejay at 3:15 PM on October 22, 2013
posted by davejay at 3:15 PM on October 22, 2013
It's either because you find the guy you're engaged to as an unexciting, stable guy and you want to run after someone who doesn't really want you, or it's because you really don't want to marry your fiancé.
posted by discopolo at 3:35 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 3:35 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I'm reading this correctly, this is your second long term relationship. So compounding the fact that this is a huge chunk of nostalgia, he's also an automatic role model for what serious relationships look like to you. The relationship didn't last, which just sorta increases the impulse to compare and tinker and hope that this one is more permanent. I would guess you might have a lot of anxiety about another random kiss making you realize this relationship is wrong for you also.
You've defined the old relationship by placing a lot of blame on yourself for ending the relationship. But perhaps you need to start telling yourself a different story. You were not very present in your last relationship. You were so busy growing up and being a young adult, you didn't notice that you grew apart until a random kiss brought it to your attention.
Now you've got a lot less on your plate. And more importantly, you realize the importance in checking in on a deeper emotional level to know that you're still both committed to each other. This time you'd notice if your attention was wandering and he wasn't meeting your needs.
posted by politikitty at 3:49 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've defined the old relationship by placing a lot of blame on yourself for ending the relationship. But perhaps you need to start telling yourself a different story. You were not very present in your last relationship. You were so busy growing up and being a young adult, you didn't notice that you grew apart until a random kiss brought it to your attention.
Now you've got a lot less on your plate. And more importantly, you realize the importance in checking in on a deeper emotional level to know that you're still both committed to each other. This time you'd notice if your attention was wandering and he wasn't meeting your needs.
posted by politikitty at 3:49 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I still have regular dreams that I'm with my ex of 12 years. I have no desire to get back together with him and haven't seen him since we broke up. Funnily enough, in my dreams it never feels right and often at the end I'll see my current (and forever) boyfriend and realise (with a gushing sense of relief and happiness) that's who I'm with now. Dreams are weird, I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by Wantok at 5:02 PM on October 22, 2013
posted by Wantok at 5:02 PM on October 22, 2013
If it helps to put it in perspective, think about the particular set of years you spent with your ex. Age 17-25 is a pretty formative period of early adulthood. Much of your sense of your adult self formed in his presence, so he's just a big part of your mental map. In addition, over time, couples tend to divvy up mental tasks such that they operate like one brain in some ways. It takes time for your own brain to rewire itself so that all the necessary tasks are taken care of. And if you feel like something about the whole thing is unresolved, I would assume that takes extra time as well. The good news is, it will happen -- probably quicker the less you dwell on it.
Regarding that -- coming to peace with it will likely involve two things: Learning from the mistakes you made, and forgiving yourself for making them. Devote some time to constructive self-critique and figure out why you made those mistakes and what you'd do differently next time. Then, as a follow-up, refuse to beat yourself up about it. Let it go, believe you deserve the happiness you have now (which you totally do!), and proceed to enjoy it.
posted by Smells of Detroit at 6:37 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Regarding that -- coming to peace with it will likely involve two things: Learning from the mistakes you made, and forgiving yourself for making them. Devote some time to constructive self-critique and figure out why you made those mistakes and what you'd do differently next time. Then, as a follow-up, refuse to beat yourself up about it. Let it go, believe you deserve the happiness you have now (which you totally do!), and proceed to enjoy it.
posted by Smells of Detroit at 6:37 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
It seems like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself not to think about your ex, but it's natural and normal to think about someone who was part of your life for nine years -- if you think back on when you were in school or went to Europe, of course you are going to think of him.
Trying to suppress those thoughts might make it even more likely they would show up in your dreams. Dreams aren't real, but some people ascribe a great deal of meaning to them -- if not knowing the why of these dreams bothers you, you might find it comforting to buy a book on dream meanings and look up anything from troubling dreams the next day.
posted by yohko at 1:07 AM on October 23, 2013
Trying to suppress those thoughts might make it even more likely they would show up in your dreams. Dreams aren't real, but some people ascribe a great deal of meaning to them -- if not knowing the why of these dreams bothers you, you might find it comforting to buy a book on dream meanings and look up anything from troubling dreams the next day.
posted by yohko at 1:07 AM on October 23, 2013
Is this common?
Yes. Very.
Those first people have access to us when we are at our most insane and vulnerable (teen-age years, early 20s). Don't worry yourself, you just need more time. Took me about 10 years.
posted by French Fry at 12:11 PM on October 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yes. Very.
Those first people have access to us when we are at our most insane and vulnerable (teen-age years, early 20s). Don't worry yourself, you just need more time. Took me about 10 years.
posted by French Fry at 12:11 PM on October 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I used to dream about my ex, and I worried it meant something relationship wise. Then I saw my ex, and realized the dreams were just about my missing him being a friend - not about him romantically. If you can be friends again, I think that might be a good way to go.
posted by corb at 12:38 PM on October 23, 2013
posted by corb at 12:38 PM on October 23, 2013
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