Did I get blown off? Should I make attempt #2?
October 13, 2013 9:20 PM Subscribe
Asked someone to hang out casually, but got the last minute something came up thing. Mixed messages, etc. Do I try again?
So there is this girl I have a crush on. [me: 29 yo gay female. her: also gay]. I don't know her super well, but she always seemed very friendly to me when I would see her out with friends, so I gradually added her on social media and just tried to casually get to know her. We have a couple mutual friends so I was gonna go the au natural route and get to know her through mutual hangouts, but then I guess they had a falling out. Having never gotten her number I was going to have to wait until I randomly bumped into her at a club or something, and who knows how long that would take.
So, since I was already friends with her on FB I sent her a brief friendly message seeing if she would want to hang out one day over the week or the weekend and left her my phone number. She responded quite quickly the next morning, seeming very positive, saying her week was busy but she'd be free as a bird over the weekend and she would text me, added that it was good seeing me the other night, and ended with a smiley face. So....positive right? But the weekend rolls around, don't hear from her until Sunday evening. She messages me on FB (not a text to my phone) that she was sorry but her dad had come into town unexpectedly and that she was heading to a bar that we both frequent quite a bit as they were having an event, and ended the message with "see you there??". This was about 2 hours before the event.
I responded a day later (didn't read the message till around 10pm that night) that it was not a problem, that my friend had come to town and we couldn't have made it to the bar, and that unfortunately I was going on a weeklong trip the next day and that I'd be back on [date] and if she wanted to hang out after to hit me up [insert smiley face]. So I kept it casual and positive at that point because I had no idea how to read the whole situation. I still haven't heard from her directly yet. However she liked one of my Instagram photos while I was on my trip, so I was like...well, maybe there's a chance since she's not completely avoiding me. (I know, I know, instagram and facebook likes might sound silly to some folks but I think it's a legitimate, if minor, social indicator)
I saw a pic of her on social media and she was with her dad, so it wasn't a lie. However, the last minute casual invite out coupled with not texting me made me take it as a blowoff. Opinions are split between my friends, a few of my friends don't think she was blowing me off (including my therapist, incidentally, who I happened to have an appointment with after this happened), and a few think she was, or that she was acting flaky (which I agree with).
Was she blowing me off in a friendly way? Or was it a wires crossed kind of deal? Just wanna save face here, but I'm willing to take another chance, I have nothing to lose really. Maybe I was TOO casual and not specific enough, and she was confused/awkward about what to do next? The whole thing might have taken her by surprise.
I kinda left the ball in her court for now, so would it be too much for me to ask again? I could wait to bump into her in person again but that could take weeks, and could be in any number of awkward settings.
So there is this girl I have a crush on. [me: 29 yo gay female. her: also gay]. I don't know her super well, but she always seemed very friendly to me when I would see her out with friends, so I gradually added her on social media and just tried to casually get to know her. We have a couple mutual friends so I was gonna go the au natural route and get to know her through mutual hangouts, but then I guess they had a falling out. Having never gotten her number I was going to have to wait until I randomly bumped into her at a club or something, and who knows how long that would take.
So, since I was already friends with her on FB I sent her a brief friendly message seeing if she would want to hang out one day over the week or the weekend and left her my phone number. She responded quite quickly the next morning, seeming very positive, saying her week was busy but she'd be free as a bird over the weekend and she would text me, added that it was good seeing me the other night, and ended with a smiley face. So....positive right? But the weekend rolls around, don't hear from her until Sunday evening. She messages me on FB (not a text to my phone) that she was sorry but her dad had come into town unexpectedly and that she was heading to a bar that we both frequent quite a bit as they were having an event, and ended the message with "see you there??". This was about 2 hours before the event.
I responded a day later (didn't read the message till around 10pm that night) that it was not a problem, that my friend had come to town and we couldn't have made it to the bar, and that unfortunately I was going on a weeklong trip the next day and that I'd be back on [date] and if she wanted to hang out after to hit me up [insert smiley face]. So I kept it casual and positive at that point because I had no idea how to read the whole situation. I still haven't heard from her directly yet. However she liked one of my Instagram photos while I was on my trip, so I was like...well, maybe there's a chance since she's not completely avoiding me. (I know, I know, instagram and facebook likes might sound silly to some folks but I think it's a legitimate, if minor, social indicator)
I saw a pic of her on social media and she was with her dad, so it wasn't a lie. However, the last minute casual invite out coupled with not texting me made me take it as a blowoff. Opinions are split between my friends, a few of my friends don't think she was blowing me off (including my therapist, incidentally, who I happened to have an appointment with after this happened), and a few think she was, or that she was acting flaky (which I agree with).
Was she blowing me off in a friendly way? Or was it a wires crossed kind of deal? Just wanna save face here, but I'm willing to take another chance, I have nothing to lose really. Maybe I was TOO casual and not specific enough, and she was confused/awkward about what to do next? The whole thing might have taken her by surprise.
I kinda left the ball in her court for now, so would it be too much for me to ask again? I could wait to bump into her in person again but that could take weeks, and could be in any number of awkward settings.
Sometimes it's taken weeks to meet with someone that I'm already friends with, so yeah, last minute things come up and when plans are not set in stone, facebook messages and such seem like an easy way to back out of something. Doesn't mean at this point that she's blowing you off in a bad way, it's just representative of the fact that up til now there's been just tentative plans.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:34 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:34 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think it's marginally flaky, perhaps, but I don't think she's blowing you off.
Had any texts before been exchanged? Sometimes sending the very first text to someone, establishing a chain, is a (very minor) hurdle to overcome, and you might not want to overcome it by sort-of-cancelling-a-meet-up-while-leaving-open-a-later-time.
I would message her soon-ish and ask, "does 9pm on Tuesday [or whatever] work for you?" Firm up a time. Either she'll say yes, she'll say "no but 8pm on Thursday [or whatever] does," or she'll say no/don't respond, at which point you have your answer.
posted by lewedswiver at 9:38 PM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Had any texts before been exchanged? Sometimes sending the very first text to someone, establishing a chain, is a (very minor) hurdle to overcome, and you might not want to overcome it by sort-of-cancelling-a-meet-up-while-leaving-open-a-later-time.
I would message her soon-ish and ask, "does 9pm on Tuesday [or whatever] work for you?" Firm up a time. Either she'll say yes, she'll say "no but 8pm on Thursday [or whatever] does," or she'll say no/don't respond, at which point you have your answer.
posted by lewedswiver at 9:38 PM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ask her to do something specific with you at a specific time. Her response will let you know if she's interested. But don't make it be all about whether she likes you. Even if not texting you when she said she would was a lapse and not an intentional blow-off, I think it should give you pause.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:39 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Wordwoman at 9:39 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Ambiguous, and so worth a second chance. For what it's worth it doesn't read to me as an intentional blow-off. The plans were non-specific and her excuse legitimate. Try to pin it down a little more next time maybe?
posted by nanojath at 10:00 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by nanojath at 10:00 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Not a blowoff. "see you there??" means she hoped you could come. If she didn't want to see you she could have just said she was busy with her dad's unexpected visit without any other information. Telling you where they were going to be and when and adding that "see you there??" means she wants to spend time with you, even if she has to juggle the awkwardness of having her dad along as a third wheel.
Based on what you've described here, I read it as definite interest from her and you should continue to pursue.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:03 PM on October 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
Based on what you've described here, I read it as definite interest from her and you should continue to pursue.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:03 PM on October 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Here's the thing about "casual hangouts". They are casual.
That's good for the situation you're in. You don't know this girl well, have a crush, and want to turn an acquaintance/mutual friends thing into a closer connection. So you want to "get coffee" or "hang out this weekend" or whatever. Great!
However, the down side to casual hangout situations like that is that, for most people, they are usually not the top priority. Almost anything that could ever come up, down to staying out too late the night before, or getting really into a TV show on Netflix, would take precedence over vague "let's get together this weekend" plans with someone you don't know well.
So my advice is to make a second attempt. I mean, that's what you'd do if this really was just someone you wanted to know better, right? This time, I would make specific plans for a day/time, venue, activity, etc. Still keep it casual (coffee or a beer is fine), but instead of "wanna hang out this weekend?" ask "want to get coffee Saturday morning?" or "want to go check out this art gallery on Sunday?" or something like that. That way if she needs to back out, she will have to call you up and say she can't make it. Which puts you at a higher priority level than just never getting around to calling you.
posted by Sara C. at 10:20 PM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
That's good for the situation you're in. You don't know this girl well, have a crush, and want to turn an acquaintance/mutual friends thing into a closer connection. So you want to "get coffee" or "hang out this weekend" or whatever. Great!
However, the down side to casual hangout situations like that is that, for most people, they are usually not the top priority. Almost anything that could ever come up, down to staying out too late the night before, or getting really into a TV show on Netflix, would take precedence over vague "let's get together this weekend" plans with someone you don't know well.
So my advice is to make a second attempt. I mean, that's what you'd do if this really was just someone you wanted to know better, right? This time, I would make specific plans for a day/time, venue, activity, etc. Still keep it casual (coffee or a beer is fine), but instead of "wanna hang out this weekend?" ask "want to get coffee Saturday morning?" or "want to go check out this art gallery on Sunday?" or something like that. That way if she needs to back out, she will have to call you up and say she can't make it. Which puts you at a higher priority level than just never getting around to calling you.
posted by Sara C. at 10:20 PM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Actually, to be honest, I think the last exchange could be read as you kind blowing her off:
Not saying you did blow her off, but she could very well be asking the same questions that you are. So go for it and get in touch!
posted by whitewall at 3:42 AM on October 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
She messages me on FB (not a text to my phone) that she was sorry but her dad had come into town unexpectedly and that she was heading to a bar that we both frequent quite a bit as they were having an event, and ended the message with "see you there??". This was about 2 hours before the event.You should probably drop her a line and set up something up soon with a specific date/time/location. From her perspective, the last thing that happened was that she invited you out and you conveniently didn't respond until after the offer was expired... and then to say you were going out of town, at that.
I responded a day later (didn't read the message till around 10pm that night) that it was not a problem, that my friend had come to town and we couldn't have made it to the bar, and that unfortunately I was going on a weeklong trip the next day and that I'd be back on [date] and if she wanted to hang out after to hit me up [insert smiley face].
Not saying you did blow her off, but she could very well be asking the same questions that you are. So go for it and get in touch!
posted by whitewall at 3:42 AM on October 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think you got blown off, at least not in a way that says you should understand that you were getting blown off and should go gracefully into the night. You should try again, with a proposal for some kind of specific hanging out situation.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:03 PM on October 14, 2013
posted by J. Wilson at 12:03 PM on October 14, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I guess I was too quick to count myself out. It just seemed like a hasty/sloppy invite to me as she would have just been there with her friends. BUT I will try again...I definitely went wrong with not being specific and leaving too much up to her. Rookie mistakes!
posted by christiehawk at 6:27 PM on October 14, 2013
posted by christiehawk at 6:27 PM on October 14, 2013
Response by poster: Oh just as a followup....I did ask her a second time for something specific and she just flat out didn't respond. Oh well. I've since gotten over it but I was pretty miffed at the time. But this was all great advice.
posted by christiehawk at 11:54 AM on January 3, 2014
posted by christiehawk at 11:54 AM on January 3, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by deliciae at 9:29 PM on October 13, 2013