So wait. People can hold farts in?!?
October 9, 2013 11:01 AM Subscribe
I have made it to middle age without realizing that other people are capable of holding in their flatulence until a time and location where it can be expelled without offending greater society. My body does not work this way. After a small window of warning, they just. Come. Out. Am I a freak of nature? How did my bowels never learn this marvelous trick?
posted by anonymous to health & fitness (51 answers total) 27 users marked this as a favorite
I can sense when my body has the need to expel a small quantity of gas from my lower bits, and notice the sensation between 15-45 seconds before the emission. I excel at making these eruptions silent, and can feel if they will stinkify my space, or just odorlessly waft into the atmosphere.
BUT there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can physically do to prevent them from erupting into the world when they decide the time is right. I do my best to be polite about it. At parties, sometimes I abruptly walk away or "need to get a beer." I am good about finding absorbent cushions to sit on, if needed. I know how to redirect sexytimes quickly enough so that no lover faces my airblasts up close.
But not long ago I was staying the night at a friend's house, I was sitting on the couch when a little poot emanated from my backside. My friend looked at me with horror and said, "wow, you really ARE comfortable here." And I was completely mortified. It dawned on me that he believes FARTING IS A CHOICE, and not just a regular (albeit embarrassing) emission that no one can control. Since that moment, a growing horror has dawned on me: I am starting to fear I am the only person on the planet who lacks this basic bowel control (and everyone thinks of me as a horribly farty person with no manners).
(It's probably TMI, but it also doesn't take me long to poop. I have no idea why people need 30 minutes in the bathroom to poop. That's insane to me! Now, solid matter I can hold onto for a good couple of hours, but when I choose to go, there is no waiting around for it. Insta-Plop!)
So what gives? Is my body just loose? Is there some kind of crazy ass training I can embark on here to tighten my tunnels? And what should I do when I can't hold it in? It's sometimes hard to run away from people with only 30 seconds warning. Will people assume I'm being rude if a smell or audible eruption eminates from my clumsy bum?
Help me, Good Green.