What do I do about long forgotten abuse?
October 7, 2013 2:38 PM Subscribe
The short version: I was sexually abused as a child and my abuser recently tried to get in touch with me. I declined contact but I'm worried that he'll try again. So I'm wondering about my recourse.
The long version: When I was 12 or 13 I dated 19-year-old guy. We didn't live that close to each other and so opportunities for private physical contact were few and far between anyhow. So we talked on the phone a lot. But there was one occasion on which we ... I guess ... fooled around. I don't think you need the precise details. But my very strong memories of that afternoon were of being kind of frightened and having to be coaxed into touching him. Probably because I was 13 years old and he was 19 and it was totally inappropriate.
Recently I happened to take a workshop about sexually abused youth that got me thinking about that afternoon. In this workshop, we talked about victims of sexual abuse and particularly the idea that sometimes young teens either like the sexual contact or they're torn by mixed feelings about their experience, and in either case it is still abuse. All these lights went on for me. "ooooh, that was sexual abuse. That was me being molested. That was not even remotely me being so cool and mature that a guy who was almost a grown man was interested in me." It has been kind of liberating to recognize it for what it was. A lot of other things about my adolescence make sense in that context. I didn't take the opportunity to talk to my husband about what I went through, though. It felt private. It still does.
It only happened the once. He went off to be a forest fire fighter or something and we talked on the phone a lot and eventually lost touch, though I also remember that I felt like I should avoid being actually alone with him after that day because I was pretty sure what we did was "not okay."
So okay, I haven't seen him in more than 20 years. And who the hell knows but I don't really think he's actually a menace to society or a serial child molester. I think he was not that old himself. I don't have any interest in prosecuting him now, but I am definitely not interested in seeing him again either. I live far from where I lived then, both were big cities. It didn't seem that likely that I'd run into him.
But then this morning I get this chipper message from LinkedIn that is all "Hey, hey! Blast from the past!" and I'm standing at my desk talking to my husband about dinner tonight and what time I'll be home and trying to figure out, do I tell him about this? Right this second? Ever?
On LinkedIn, it was easy enough to "refuse" the message with "No opinion at this time" which is part of the weirdness of LinkedIn, but I did that. I thought about what to say and realized I shouldn't/don't have to/don't want to say anything. So I just refused the contact without explanation.
But now I'm worried that he is going to try to reach out through some other avenue and I really don't want anything to do with him and I don't want to have to be the one to explain to him that he molested me because I really don't want to actually argue about whether or not it was abuse. I was 13 years old, he was 19. Ipso facto, it was abuse.
I don't know what to do. I guess I am looking for some clean lines to use if he doesn't take the hint. And some guidance. How do I deal with this if he does try again?
The long version: When I was 12 or 13 I dated 19-year-old guy. We didn't live that close to each other and so opportunities for private physical contact were few and far between anyhow. So we talked on the phone a lot. But there was one occasion on which we ... I guess ... fooled around. I don't think you need the precise details. But my very strong memories of that afternoon were of being kind of frightened and having to be coaxed into touching him. Probably because I was 13 years old and he was 19 and it was totally inappropriate.
Recently I happened to take a workshop about sexually abused youth that got me thinking about that afternoon. In this workshop, we talked about victims of sexual abuse and particularly the idea that sometimes young teens either like the sexual contact or they're torn by mixed feelings about their experience, and in either case it is still abuse. All these lights went on for me. "ooooh, that was sexual abuse. That was me being molested. That was not even remotely me being so cool and mature that a guy who was almost a grown man was interested in me." It has been kind of liberating to recognize it for what it was. A lot of other things about my adolescence make sense in that context. I didn't take the opportunity to talk to my husband about what I went through, though. It felt private. It still does.
It only happened the once. He went off to be a forest fire fighter or something and we talked on the phone a lot and eventually lost touch, though I also remember that I felt like I should avoid being actually alone with him after that day because I was pretty sure what we did was "not okay."
So okay, I haven't seen him in more than 20 years. And who the hell knows but I don't really think he's actually a menace to society or a serial child molester. I think he was not that old himself. I don't have any interest in prosecuting him now, but I am definitely not interested in seeing him again either. I live far from where I lived then, both were big cities. It didn't seem that likely that I'd run into him.
But then this morning I get this chipper message from LinkedIn that is all "Hey, hey! Blast from the past!" and I'm standing at my desk talking to my husband about dinner tonight and what time I'll be home and trying to figure out, do I tell him about this? Right this second? Ever?
On LinkedIn, it was easy enough to "refuse" the message with "No opinion at this time" which is part of the weirdness of LinkedIn, but I did that. I thought about what to say and realized I shouldn't/don't have to/don't want to say anything. So I just refused the contact without explanation.
But now I'm worried that he is going to try to reach out through some other avenue and I really don't want anything to do with him and I don't want to have to be the one to explain to him that he molested me because I really don't want to actually argue about whether or not it was abuse. I was 13 years old, he was 19. Ipso facto, it was abuse.
I don't know what to do. I guess I am looking for some clean lines to use if he doesn't take the hint. And some guidance. How do I deal with this if he does try again?
If you want to explain further (if it will help you, not because of any effect it will have on him particularly), you could say something like "I prefer not to keep in touch. Though I didn't realize it at the time, our relationship was inappropriate and abusive because of our significant age difference. I don't want to talk about this further and don't want to be reminded of it by being in contact with you. Please do not be in touch again." and then if he responds just don't read it and save it somewhere. If you tell your husband or a friend, they can read it and tell you if there's anything threatening or worth you knowing about; my suspicion is that nothing will come of it aside from maybe him arguing.
About telling your husband... None of this was your fault and it is completely your decision about whether you want to tell him now, later, or never. It will probably be helpful to talk that decision through with a friend, therapist, or other trusted person who is not your husband. If you're looking to hear what other people would do, I'd probably tell my husband because this LinkedIn thing might bring up some stress, emotional reactions, or unexpected tension that he can probably help with. Marriage is largely about sharing burdens, so if you feel comfortable it can be something he can help you process.
Either way, be gentle with yourself and try to take some time to process and relax. This is stressful, and I'm sorry that you were put into this situation. Again, it is not your fault, and there is no particular right way to respond. Do what feels right and just to you.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 3:08 PM on October 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
About telling your husband... None of this was your fault and it is completely your decision about whether you want to tell him now, later, or never. It will probably be helpful to talk that decision through with a friend, therapist, or other trusted person who is not your husband. If you're looking to hear what other people would do, I'd probably tell my husband because this LinkedIn thing might bring up some stress, emotional reactions, or unexpected tension that he can probably help with. Marriage is largely about sharing burdens, so if you feel comfortable it can be something he can help you process.
Either way, be gentle with yourself and try to take some time to process and relax. This is stressful, and I'm sorry that you were put into this situation. Again, it is not your fault, and there is no particular right way to respond. Do what feels right and just to you.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 3:08 PM on October 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
I would avoid saying the word abuse or molestation to this person because they will inevitably want to argue with you about it. He may genuinely feel it was not abusive and will want to defend himself and is unlikley to let it drop and you dont need that. Im absolutely not arguing with your interpretation of events at all! just predicting that this guy probably will.
So if your goal is to have him 100% gone just ignore him and if he reaches out again give him the old "I'm happily married and not intetested in contact. Good day." line.
posted by fshgrl at 3:16 PM on October 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
So if your goal is to have him 100% gone just ignore him and if he reaches out again give him the old "I'm happily married and not intetested in contact. Good day." line.
posted by fshgrl at 3:16 PM on October 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
I agree that if he continues to reach out you can reply and tell him you're not interested in further contact. I also agree that you should not use words like "abuse" or "molestation" to him because it's likely to make things worse. Use "uncomfortable" and "inappropriate" and you should be able to shake him off.
posted by radioamy at 4:51 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by radioamy at 4:51 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
As others have said, if he tries again, it may be worth actually responding with a terse "I'm not interested in renewing contact". I don't think you have to go into any explanation whatsoever about your insight into the previous abusive relationship, not even as far as explaining that it made you feel uncomfortable. Just stay away from it. You could mention your happy marriage, but why? It doesn't matter. What matters is you don't want anything to do with him. End of story.
As for what else you should do if he tries again is think about how it makes you feel. Does it bring up a lot of stuff? Do you feel it might be good to talk about it with a trusted friend/therapist/your husband? If you start getting quite distracted and leaning towards obsessive thinking about it, I strongly encourage you to talk it through. Sometimes just not paying attention to something is a good idea, sometimes you need to pay attention long enough to face it, or kick it in the head, or something before you then ignore it.
Oddly just had my abusive ex contact me via social media and blocked, blocked, blocked. Then realised that the thing I am afraid of - getting sucked back into the relationship despite knowing better, therapy, being a different person, etc - has clearly not happened. So I don't need to be afraid. Weight lifted. It can definitely be worth spending a bit of time analysing your reaction to what's happened.
And telling your husband? In your situation, I would. I think that is part of a loving partnership, trusting each other with the horrible crap that's happened (though not necessarily in great detail). But you know yourself and your husband better than we on the internets do, it's totally up to you.
posted by Athanassiel at 5:01 PM on October 7, 2013 [7 favorites]
As for what else you should do if he tries again is think about how it makes you feel. Does it bring up a lot of stuff? Do you feel it might be good to talk about it with a trusted friend/therapist/your husband? If you start getting quite distracted and leaning towards obsessive thinking about it, I strongly encourage you to talk it through. Sometimes just not paying attention to something is a good idea, sometimes you need to pay attention long enough to face it, or kick it in the head, or something before you then ignore it.
Oddly just had my abusive ex contact me via social media and blocked, blocked, blocked. Then realised that the thing I am afraid of - getting sucked back into the relationship despite knowing better, therapy, being a different person, etc - has clearly not happened. So I don't need to be afraid. Weight lifted. It can definitely be worth spending a bit of time analysing your reaction to what's happened.
And telling your husband? In your situation, I would. I think that is part of a loving partnership, trusting each other with the horrible crap that's happened (though not necessarily in great detail). But you know yourself and your husband better than we on the internets do, it's totally up to you.
posted by Athanassiel at 5:01 PM on October 7, 2013 [7 favorites]
Ignoring is fine and will probably work. A simple "hi, I'm not interested in reconnecting, please don't contact me again" is also fine. I would avoid any discussion of the past with him.
If it were me I'd tell my husband about it, because it (the Linkedin message) would be a yucky thing that happened to me that day and we always talk about our day. YMMV.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
If it were me I'd tell my husband about it, because it (the Linkedin message) would be a yucky thing that happened to me that day and we always talk about our day. YMMV.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
The only difference I'd make to all the above is, there is no real need to be so polite. Instead of "I prefer not to keep in touch. Please don't contact me.", I suggest the somewhat-stronger "Do not contact me again."
This dude is basically a stranger now, who hurt you in the past: save your politenesses for those who deserve them. Tell him ONCE not to contact you again, then never again --- block him, ignore him, never bother to respond to him.
posted by easily confused at 6:19 PM on October 7, 2013
This dude is basically a stranger now, who hurt you in the past: save your politenesses for those who deserve them. Tell him ONCE not to contact you again, then never again --- block him, ignore him, never bother to respond to him.
posted by easily confused at 6:19 PM on October 7, 2013
I'm not sure you should respond to him at all, ever. I think refusing to have any contact with him is clearer and less fraught than being in contact with him to tell him to not be in contact with you, and saves you the headache of composing the perfect sentence to magically ward him off (which, if it doesn't, may make you feel guilty for having said something wrong). Block him on social media, block any known email addresses of his, and let that send the message for you.
Keep in mind, LinkedIn is one of those sites that you can allow to troll through your email address book, so he may just have let it send an invite to all his contacts, old and new. If he personalized yours, then he's figuring things didn't end badly between the two of you, which means he's liable to argue with any message you actively send to cut off contact -- he'll take that as an accusation. Don't give him that opportunity, you don't need that in your life.
posted by Smells of Detroit at 6:45 PM on October 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Keep in mind, LinkedIn is one of those sites that you can allow to troll through your email address book, so he may just have let it send an invite to all his contacts, old and new. If he personalized yours, then he's figuring things didn't end badly between the two of you, which means he's liable to argue with any message you actively send to cut off contact -- he'll take that as an accusation. Don't give him that opportunity, you don't need that in your life.
posted by Smells of Detroit at 6:45 PM on October 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
If I were your husband, I'd want to know about it, since it's something that's causing you some anguish right now, and I'd want to think you can talk about it to me rather than bottling it all up.
But it's entirely up to you, of course.
posted by Diag at 9:05 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
But it's entirely up to you, of course.
posted by Diag at 9:05 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your initial response is fine; if he tries to contact you again, a short message stating that you don't want to be in contact with him is best. Don't get into the "why" with him.
Keep a record of all messages. If he continues to attempt communication beyond a second time, or if the second time is aggressive or otherwise creepy, you should then let your husband (or someone else you trust) know about it. Even then, you won't likely need to go into any detail beyond "I knew him when I was a child and don't feel comfortable being in contact with him today."
Beyond the issue of contact: consider discussing this with a therapist, if only to come to terms with your emotions relating to those events and how they may be affecting your current relationships.
posted by 1367 at 9:31 PM on October 7, 2013
Keep a record of all messages. If he continues to attempt communication beyond a second time, or if the second time is aggressive or otherwise creepy, you should then let your husband (or someone else you trust) know about it. Even then, you won't likely need to go into any detail beyond "I knew him when I was a child and don't feel comfortable being in contact with him today."
Beyond the issue of contact: consider discussing this with a therapist, if only to come to terms with your emotions relating to those events and how they may be affecting your current relationships.
posted by 1367 at 9:31 PM on October 7, 2013
Similar situation, similar incident. Do not engage. Ignore ignore ignore.
However, do not ignore your burgeoning feelings. Share this with a therapist, and I would recommend also your husband.
posted by gone2croatan at 7:17 AM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
However, do not ignore your burgeoning feelings. Share this with a therapist, and I would recommend also your husband.
posted by gone2croatan at 7:17 AM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
I want to say thanks to everyone who replied. Especially everyone who said "geez, tell your husband already" which seems kind of obvious in retrospect. I did tell him and he gave me a hug and said "That sucks. I'm sorry" which is what I needed. I feel much more braced to start and stop with "Don't contact me." if I do hear from him again (which, thankfully, I haven't.)posted by cortex (staff) at 10:29 AM on October 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
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If it were to escalate (and very likely it won't), all the standard Gift of Fear advice applies: save the messages in a place where you don't have to see them, document any harassment, but past one message clearly indicating you do not want contact, do not give him any response or attention.
posted by Ouisch at 2:49 PM on October 7, 2013 [3 favorites]