Can you invite people to a bridal shower and not the wedding?
September 25, 2013 11:01 AM Subscribe
My best friends daughter just announced she's getting married when her boyfriend comes home on leave. It's going to be a very small wedding with immediate family. Can we have a bridal shower with friends and cousins if they aren't invited to the ceremony?
Sure! One does not preclude the other.
Make it AWESOME!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:03 AM on September 25, 2013
Make it AWESOME!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:03 AM on September 25, 2013
It's possible, but it would come across as a bit of a grab for gifts. Could you perhaps invite them to an after-wedding party instead --- "Jim and Mary Lou had a tiny, tiny wedding, but we'd love to have you join us to celebrate their new life together!"
posted by easily confused at 11:05 AM on September 25, 2013 [24 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 11:05 AM on September 25, 2013 [24 favorites]
Traditional etiquette is that the bridal shower is for invited guests, BUT if a non-invited person wants to host a bridal shower for you and invite other friends and family, it seems rude to refuse. I don't think traditional etiquette really works in some modern situations.
posted by muddgirl at 11:08 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by muddgirl at 11:08 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Per Emily Post, the answer is no - you shouldn't invite anyone to the bridal shower that you do not invite to the wedding. However, I agree with easily confused - if it's a small ceremony, but you invite them to a party/reception, it would likely be ok.
posted by needlegrrl at 11:10 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by needlegrrl at 11:10 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you have an intimate wedding, you should have an intimate shower. Otherwise it just looks like a tacky chance to haul in some blenders and china without incurring the cost of them attending your wedding or wedding reception.
posted by inturnaround at 11:10 AM on September 25, 2013 [14 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 11:10 AM on September 25, 2013 [14 favorites]
It's not like... the worst thing ever, but it's pretty tacky. The literal purpose of a bridal shower is to get presents, and if you're going to do that to people you're not inviting to a wedding... I would be annoyed and think less of her, for sure. The military spouse part changes it a bit, but it's still not really a polite thing to do.
I would feel better about them having a party of some sort -- with both of them, after the wedding.
Of course -- if you do plan to do it anyway you know that her family (i.e., her mother), is absolutely not supposed to plan/host the thing, yes? You can, though, but gift grabbing on behalf of your relatives is generally not cool.
(If it's relevant: I had an 8 person wedding -- by choice -- with no showers and no announcements because at the point where a small wedding was my dream wedding, doing anything gift-grabby felt really, really inapproriate).
posted by brainmouse at 11:11 AM on September 25, 2013 [5 favorites]
I would feel better about them having a party of some sort -- with both of them, after the wedding.
Of course -- if you do plan to do it anyway you know that her family (i.e., her mother), is absolutely not supposed to plan/host the thing, yes? You can, though, but gift grabbing on behalf of your relatives is generally not cool.
(If it's relevant: I had an 8 person wedding -- by choice -- with no showers and no announcements because at the point where a small wedding was my dream wedding, doing anything gift-grabby felt really, really inapproriate).
posted by brainmouse at 11:11 AM on September 25, 2013 [5 favorites]
I think that inviting people to a shower (Which is basically just a gift-receiving event) without inviting them to SOME sort of celebration of the wedding, is in very poor taste. The deployment issue can't be helped, though, so can you plan on some sort of party when he gets back and let people know that it's going to happen but you don't have it scheduled yet?
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:13 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:13 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Friends of mine had a small wedding in Montreal; prior to this wedding they had a MASSIVE house party for everyone. The key is to only slightly make it related to the wedding, but mostly have it be a party to celebrate the awesomeness of said friends. Otherwise I agree, it is tacky to only do one but not the other.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:15 AM on September 25, 2013
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:15 AM on September 25, 2013
Definitely tacky and offensive, IMHO.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:19 AM on September 25, 2013
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:19 AM on September 25, 2013
The people who control invitations to the wedding (the bride and groom) aren't the people who host the bridal shower! How can it be rude for non-invited guests to want to shower the bride of a wedding they weren't invited to? That seems like an overly-formal, backwards-sort of taste to me.
posted by muddgirl at 11:21 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by muddgirl at 11:21 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
In this day and age I think it shows a lovely sense of generosity, especially in the situation of one spouse being deployed.
I'm all about small, inexpensive weddings. If a group of folks wants to celebrate with the bride in a fru-fru-girly kind of thing, I think that would be nice.
Don't invite anyone who would be offended.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:25 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm all about small, inexpensive weddings. If a group of folks wants to celebrate with the bride in a fru-fru-girly kind of thing, I think that would be nice.
Don't invite anyone who would be offended.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:25 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Generally speaking, tacky and comes off as gift-grabby-- because of the specifics of this situation, however, it might be okay.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:26 AM on September 25, 2013
posted by jacquilynne at 11:26 AM on September 25, 2013
Don't call it a shower. Showers are for official wedding guests, traditionally hosted by someone outside of the family, and the purpose it to "shower" the bride with gifts for her new home before the wedding occurs. If at all possible, try to have a party after the actual ceremony and call it something other than a shower.
If the groom's leave doesn't allow for a party after the ceremony, you can do a pre-party and I'm sure everyone will understand. As long as you stay away from the word shower, I think that no feelings will get hurt and it won't come off as a tacky gift grab.
posted by quince at 11:40 AM on September 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
If the groom's leave doesn't allow for a party after the ceremony, you can do a pre-party and I'm sure everyone will understand. As long as you stay away from the word shower, I think that no feelings will get hurt and it won't come off as a tacky gift grab.
posted by quince at 11:40 AM on September 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
Calling it a shower seems tacky--especially since showers are specifically gift-giving occasions, and pretty much everything that happens at a shower revolves around the giving of gifts.
In this specific case, it might be okay, but I wouldn't call it a shower, maybe like a brunch in celebration of the wedding, or something like that.
posted by inertia at 11:43 AM on September 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
In this specific case, it might be okay, but I wouldn't call it a shower, maybe like a brunch in celebration of the wedding, or something like that.
posted by inertia at 11:43 AM on September 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
I would give an exception to this couple because of the active duty armed services bit. I would be happy for them and glad to have the chance to give them a blender even if I wasn't invited to the wedding. Keep it small, though!
posted by aabbbiee at 12:10 PM on September 25, 2013
posted by aabbbiee at 12:10 PM on September 25, 2013
Yes, because you are hosting the shower and therefore you are inviting the guests, whereas at this small ceremony, the parents or the couple themselves are hosting and doing the inviting. This is the social fallacy we all engage in specifically to gloss over discomfort in exactly these situations. Plus, military on leave -- you're fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on September 25, 2013
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on September 25, 2013
It's tacky to invite people only to the 'gift-giving' part of the celebrations.
I don't see what the military thing has to do with it, at all. There are plenty of other events one can throw without going down the shower route.
And no, it wouldn't be the bride and groom issuing the invitations, and nobody HAS to go, and blah blah. But quite a few invitees will secretly think 'ugh', and be mildly offended. Is that really what anyone wants?
There are plenty of other types of non-gift-giving celebrations. Throw one of them instead.
posted by Salamander at 12:48 PM on September 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't see what the military thing has to do with it, at all. There are plenty of other events one can throw without going down the shower route.
And no, it wouldn't be the bride and groom issuing the invitations, and nobody HAS to go, and blah blah. But quite a few invitees will secretly think 'ugh', and be mildly offended. Is that really what anyone wants?
There are plenty of other types of non-gift-giving celebrations. Throw one of them instead.
posted by Salamander at 12:48 PM on September 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would be really insulted if I were invited to a bridal shower but not the wedding, to the point where I wouldn't go and I wouldn't send a gift.
I would, however, be absolutely delighted to be invited to a party/reception after the wedding, which I would gladly attend and I would even bring a gift, even if the invitation explicitly said "no gifts". The caveat being, I would expect the invitation or accompanying note to say something along the lines of "Alan and Betty were recently married at a small ceremony during his leave, no one was present except immediate family" so that I wouldn't feel like I was the one person that didn't get invited to the wedding.
I would imagine you could do this party even if the groom were not able to be present, but in that case I would think you would display a lovely photo of them on their wedding day.
posted by vignettist at 1:04 PM on September 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
I would, however, be absolutely delighted to be invited to a party/reception after the wedding, which I would gladly attend and I would even bring a gift, even if the invitation explicitly said "no gifts". The caveat being, I would expect the invitation or accompanying note to say something along the lines of "Alan and Betty were recently married at a small ceremony during his leave, no one was present except immediate family" so that I wouldn't feel like I was the one person that didn't get invited to the wedding.
I would imagine you could do this party even if the groom were not able to be present, but in that case I would think you would display a lovely photo of them on their wedding day.
posted by vignettist at 1:04 PM on September 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
I would think it rude to invite people to a shower, but not to the wedding. It says that their gifts are welcome, but their presence is not.
That said, is it not possible to change the shower to something else, just call it something else? Say, a pre-reception reception? An engagement wrap-up party? That way, people feel that they are participating in some part of the wedding, and are welcome to bring gifts or not, without the gifts-mandatory aspect of a shower, and the griping which would accompany that?
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:22 PM on September 25, 2013
That said, is it not possible to change the shower to something else, just call it something else? Say, a pre-reception reception? An engagement wrap-up party? That way, people feel that they are participating in some part of the wedding, and are welcome to bring gifts or not, without the gifts-mandatory aspect of a shower, and the griping which would accompany that?
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:22 PM on September 25, 2013
In this instance, I think yes, you can absolutely do this without coming off as gift-grabby or tacky. A small shower with close friends and extended family for a servicemember getting married on what is presumably a brief leave period is absolutely appropriate. Make the circumstances known to those invited, either via a personal phone call or on the invitation itself.
Also, regarding weddings, there are people who will take offense at something no matter what you do. Have a large wedding? They're offended you invited one mutual friend but not another. A small wedding? They're offended that first cousins didn't make the list. Large shower? You're gift-grabby. Small shower? You're still gift-grabby. Etc. Some people simply love to be insulted by things regardless of whether or not they have anything to do with them. You cannot please everyone.
posted by pecanpies at 1:30 PM on September 25, 2013
Also, regarding weddings, there are people who will take offense at something no matter what you do. Have a large wedding? They're offended you invited one mutual friend but not another. A small wedding? They're offended that first cousins didn't make the list. Large shower? You're gift-grabby. Small shower? You're still gift-grabby. Etc. Some people simply love to be insulted by things regardless of whether or not they have anything to do with them. You cannot please everyone.
posted by pecanpies at 1:30 PM on September 25, 2013
+1 with everything vignettist said. Being invited to a "shower" and not the "wedding" would feel insulting.
posted by amicamentis at 1:55 PM on September 25, 2013
posted by amicamentis at 1:55 PM on September 25, 2013
I am super SUPER anal about etiquette manners and IN GENERAL, I'd be offended to be invited to the shower and not the wedding -- it really Isn't Done. But a young couple married quickly while he was on military leave? Meh, they're young -- I would be happy to help them get started in their new life together (I assume they're young and do truly need bath towels and blenders, unlike other people who have showers [I, for example, do not need anymore bath towels, because I'm 37. If I got married, I do not even know what I'd register for.]. THAT BEING SAID, I'd just throw them a congratulatory party and note that the wedding was just immediate family, whilst the groom was on leave. People will still bring gifts, for SURE, and far few feathers will be ruffled.
My own parents eloped, so my mom didn't get a shower -- but when they got back, my aunt threw a congratulatory party for them, and many a bath towel was given anyway.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 1:56 PM on September 25, 2013
My own parents eloped, so my mom didn't get a shower -- but when they got back, my aunt threw a congratulatory party for them, and many a bath towel was given anyway.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 1:56 PM on September 25, 2013
What does the bride want to do? If she really wants a shower, even though she can't have the big wedding, then throw her the shower. If she is having a small wedding to purposely avoid the wedding industrial complex and the gazillion pre-wedding events that go with it, then don't. I had an 8-guest city hall wedding; I did not permit my mother to throw a shower (well, she could have thrown one, but I wouldn't have attended).
Not going to comment on the relative tackiness of it, because I think all showers (i.e. parties in which you ask for specific gifts and then open those gifts in front of all of the gift givers) are tacky.
posted by melissasaurus at 2:07 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Not going to comment on the relative tackiness of it, because I think all showers (i.e. parties in which you ask for specific gifts and then open those gifts in front of all of the gift givers) are tacky.
posted by melissasaurus at 2:07 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Being invited to a bridal shower and not the wedding is tacky and insulting. The status of the groom doesn't change that you are asking for gifts for an event you are not willing to include them in. From my experience when my friends had small weddings, elopements, or destination weddings they always had a post-wedding party. Usually very casual and low-key. Think back yard picnics. These parties made me feel included and WANT to give a gift to celebrate their love.
posted by Coffee Bean at 4:07 PM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Coffee Bean at 4:07 PM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
In a word: NO! Change the shower to a luncheon honoring the bride-to-be, say nothing about gifts, and let attendees choose to bring a gift or not. Even under the circumstance of groom coming home from service... That being said, I also like the suggestion from Easily Confused above.
posted by Lornalulu at 4:27 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Lornalulu at 4:27 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
If the purpose is to celebrate with friends, just call it "celebrating with friends party." Make it potluck, or something, and specifically ask people to not bring additional gifts. If you want the whole bridal shower thing, especially gifts, then it's just slimy. Either invite them to a wedding and a bridal shower, or just throw a party and have fun without any expectactions of gifts.
My suggestion for an invite:
"I want to celebrate my upcoming marital status change, I love you all, can't have you at the small wedding, so come and have fun with me next Saturday. Bring yourselves, your SO, a big smile, happy stories and nothing else."
Avoids tackiness: you get to enjoy your friends, and they get to enjoy you. Happy Ending!
posted by Yavsy at 6:48 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
My suggestion for an invite:
"I want to celebrate my upcoming marital status change, I love you all, can't have you at the small wedding, so come and have fun with me next Saturday. Bring yourselves, your SO, a big smile, happy stories and nothing else."
Avoids tackiness: you get to enjoy your friends, and they get to enjoy you. Happy Ending!
posted by Yavsy at 6:48 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Consider, for a moment, that about half of the answers here argue that this is tacky and will offend guests. Please do think about the fact that probably roughly half of the people who are invited will have the same reaction. Even if it's not half...nobody wants to start their life was a married couple by offending a large minority of their closest friends.
Please follow much of the good advice here to have a small, less-defined party in honor of the couple after they marry. Many people will get them presents, everyone will be happy to wish them well, and nobody will be offended. A much more charming way to begin a life together. Bonus: showers are boring and require you to sit around and watch people open presents. Everybody hates going to them. Parties are fun!
posted by leitmotif at 7:12 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Please follow much of the good advice here to have a small, less-defined party in honor of the couple after they marry. Many people will get them presents, everyone will be happy to wish them well, and nobody will be offended. A much more charming way to begin a life together. Bonus: showers are boring and require you to sit around and watch people open presents. Everybody hates going to them. Parties are fun!
posted by leitmotif at 7:12 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think the only wedding shower where it is widely viewed as socially acceptable to have not invited the attendees to the actual wedding is an office shower thrown by coworkers. Any shower thrown by friends/family is going to be viewed as more "official" and should only include wedding invitees. Otherwise, the shower is going to come off to a not-insignificant number of people as the bride saying "I don't want to pay for a party where you can celebrate as my guest, but I'd love for you to attend a party someone else paid for where you can give me a gift!"
posted by gatorae at 7:54 PM on September 25, 2013
posted by gatorae at 7:54 PM on September 25, 2013
Good grief. I know that weddings are steeped in tradition and etiquette is important and all, but yikes. You folks would really not go to a shower hosted by someone who isn't the bride just because the bride didn't invite you to the wedding that was really really small? I had a very small wedding (parents only) because my husband and I are very private people, and my husband's very large extended family pretty much insisted on throwing a shower for me. I didn't ask for it, I had nothing to do with the planning or the guest list. I would have been really hurt if someone had assumed that the shower was contrived to get extra gifts without having to pay for a large ceremony, as opposed to a nice thing that my husband's mom and cousins wanted to do for me. Maybe there were folks from my husband's pretty traditional family who were offended, but y'know, I would have been A-OK if they hadn't come, or hadn't brought a gift, or whatever their conscience dictated. I'm probably just projecting, but to get all up in arms over a shower that the bride may very well have nothing to do with seems really petty and uncharitable to me, regardless of what the "accepted" etiquette might be.
Anyway, I personally would say go for it, because it's obvious that you want to do something nice for your friend's kid. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to be prepared for some ruffled feathers - maybe your friend would have a better idea of how the intended invitees might react?
posted by ashirys at 10:17 AM on September 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
Anyway, I personally would say go for it, because it's obvious that you want to do something nice for your friend's kid. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to be prepared for some ruffled feathers - maybe your friend would have a better idea of how the intended invitees might react?
posted by ashirys at 10:17 AM on September 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think the way for a group of people who want to do a shower for someone who had a small wedding to do this without ruffling feathers is to do it as a group. So instead of hosting a shower and sending invitations, you call people up and say "Hey, with her super small wedding, Susan's missing out on a lot of the usual wedding fun, but a few of us really want to get together to help her and Mark set up their new house. So we're doing a kind of group wedding shower with family and close friends. We were thinking of doing it potluck on Sunday the 26th -- would you be in for something like that?"
The difference is smallish, I realize, but in asking people to join you in showering the bride, you avoid the appearance that the bride (who typically has input into the shower guest list, even if the hosting is kept at arms length) wants gifts from people she isn't even inviting to her wedding.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:16 PM on September 26, 2013
The difference is smallish, I realize, but in asking people to join you in showering the bride, you avoid the appearance that the bride (who typically has input into the shower guest list, even if the hosting is kept at arms length) wants gifts from people she isn't even inviting to her wedding.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:16 PM on September 26, 2013
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