Trapped
September 25, 2013 10:31 AM Subscribe
If you were in a situation that had no possibility of a solution, how would you handle it? Without going into specifics I made a rather large error in the past and there is no way to go back and correct the problem. I was given a chance to take the difficult path but I was afraid that it would lead to the same outcome. Now, the opportunity is gone and the repercussions for not doing what I needed to do presents itself in almost every aspect of my life. How do you deal with a situation that has no time limit and involves something that you can never correct?
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm really sorry you're dealing with such a hard time, but we really can't have you just keep asking substantially the same question again and again on the site and declining to give any details about it doesn't change that any. You have gotten a bunch of answers about this previously. -- cortex
This might sound glib, and I don't mean it to be, but sometimes "compartmentalize" and "deny" are your friends. Life is long -- one of the most valuable lessons is learning how to forgive yourself. It's hard hard work, and it takes a long time, and lots of people never get there. Pema Chodron's books have helped me.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:34 AM on September 25, 2013
posted by thinkpiece at 10:34 AM on September 25, 2013
It's so hard to say without knowing something about the context, but I've made a few decisions in my life that I can look back on and think duh how did you ever think THAT would work out? and I've learned not to dwell too much on them.
Here's an example. I knew better than to marry my ex-husband. As a result of our 4 year marriage, I paid alimony for 6 1/2 years which has had lasting, doubtless permanent, impact on my finances. If I think about it too hard, it raises my blood pressure and makes me so angry, even now, a decade after the alimony payments ended.
Well, I just don't dwell on it. I make the best of what I've got, and look forward, rather than back. That's one big stupid mistake in a long lifetime of mistakes, and if I were to count them all, I would be depressed all the time. At the same time, past experiences are what make me who I am today, so to the extent I think I'm an okay person, I have those mistakes to thank.
You are perfect because you are not.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
posted by janey47 at 10:36 AM on September 25, 2013
Here's an example. I knew better than to marry my ex-husband. As a result of our 4 year marriage, I paid alimony for 6 1/2 years which has had lasting, doubtless permanent, impact on my finances. If I think about it too hard, it raises my blood pressure and makes me so angry, even now, a decade after the alimony payments ended.
Well, I just don't dwell on it. I make the best of what I've got, and look forward, rather than back. That's one big stupid mistake in a long lifetime of mistakes, and if I were to count them all, I would be depressed all the time. At the same time, past experiences are what make me who I am today, so to the extent I think I'm an okay person, I have those mistakes to thank.
You are perfect because you are not.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
posted by janey47 at 10:36 AM on September 25, 2013
Given the vague nature of the question, I think this will be helpful to you. Maybe not.
What you did is now baked in. It is part of the long story of your life and it always will be. The rest of that story remains to be written.
So your story can be the story of someone who made a big mistake and then went on to make more mistakes, miss opportunities to do good, and generally not give much back to the world. Or it can be the story of someone who made a big mistake, learned from it, and became a better person going forward because of it - a person who did what they could to create happiness and produce the best outcomes possible for the situations they found themselves in.
Given that the range is always going to include "made a big mistake," one of those is a better story than the other, so I'd try to focus on making your life like that story.
posted by Naberius at 10:40 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
What you did is now baked in. It is part of the long story of your life and it always will be. The rest of that story remains to be written.
So your story can be the story of someone who made a big mistake and then went on to make more mistakes, miss opportunities to do good, and generally not give much back to the world. Or it can be the story of someone who made a big mistake, learned from it, and became a better person going forward because of it - a person who did what they could to create happiness and produce the best outcomes possible for the situations they found themselves in.
Given that the range is always going to include "made a big mistake," one of those is a better story than the other, so I'd try to focus on making your life like that story.
posted by Naberius at 10:40 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: It doesn't involve anything as trivial as breaking a television but it is on the scale of someone dying. A lot of people were counting on me to get something done. I didn't refuse outright, but when I arrived in the situation I said the wrong thing and now that opportunity is gone. I don't know what I was thinking when I said what I did and I am truly sorry for that. The problem is that I can't go back and correct the problem.
posted by nidora at 10:41 AM on September 25, 2013
posted by nidora at 10:41 AM on September 25, 2013
My answer is the same as last time:
Learn to love yourself and don't stop until you succeed. Promise yourself that you will never ever have to go through it again because you are going to be a better person who will not make the mistakes you made. Realize that it was not all on you. Accept who you are as valid and worthwhile but still endeavor to improve and change. Make sure that every step you take, no matter how painful, is a step forward.
Stay in therapy.
Just stay in motion and work hard to love and forgive.
I was going to say that this is what worked for me, but I can't really say that in the past tense. It is currently working for me and I'm still alive.
You only get one life. You don't have do-overs. You won't get a second run at this. Move forward, and make sure you are always moving forward. Work with what you have, not what you wish you had.
You have a choice: You can make more mistakes, or you can make positive changes in your life.
My advice to you, distilled as much as I can manage, is this:
Stop focusing on what you can't change. Start focusing on what you can.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:43 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Learn to love yourself and don't stop until you succeed. Promise yourself that you will never ever have to go through it again because you are going to be a better person who will not make the mistakes you made. Realize that it was not all on you. Accept who you are as valid and worthwhile but still endeavor to improve and change. Make sure that every step you take, no matter how painful, is a step forward.
Stay in therapy.
Just stay in motion and work hard to love and forgive.
I was going to say that this is what worked for me, but I can't really say that in the past tense. It is currently working for me and I'm still alive.
You only get one life. You don't have do-overs. You won't get a second run at this. Move forward, and make sure you are always moving forward. Work with what you have, not what you wish you had.
You have a choice: You can make more mistakes, or you can make positive changes in your life.
My advice to you, distilled as much as I can manage, is this:
Stop focusing on what you can't change. Start focusing on what you can.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:43 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some people in your situation do things so that others will not make such errors in the future, or be victims of such errors. This may involve education, or strategies like the two orange pylons that work vans put front and rear when they are stopped. That is so the driver must walk completely around the van to pick them up, and so will not back up over that child on a tricycle. In BC we must now pay for our gas in advance, because a young man was dragged to his death by a "gas & dash" moron. This law was enacted by the mother of the victim.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:44 AM on September 25, 2013
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:44 AM on September 25, 2013
Can you try talking to the people involved and explain how you feel?
posted by royalsong at 10:44 AM on September 25, 2013
posted by royalsong at 10:44 AM on September 25, 2013
I have found that when I'm in a situation where I can't go back and correct a grave mistake I made, the best thing to do is to identify what I learned from the experience and then move on. Stop beating yourself up over it, shrug your shoulders, carry that lesson with you deep in your heart and mind.
I say this as someone who has made some REALLY bad mistakes involving fucking over people and setting my life in a completely different trajectory.
posted by joan_holloway at 10:45 AM on September 25, 2013
I say this as someone who has made some REALLY bad mistakes involving fucking over people and setting my life in a completely different trajectory.
posted by joan_holloway at 10:45 AM on September 25, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:33 AM on September 25, 2013