Managing a crush that needs to stay a crush
September 25, 2013 9:14 AM Subscribe
Are you the anxious type who often escapes into the excitement/newness of crushes and find yourself taking things too far? How do you calm yourself and keep yourself from going overboard? What strategies can I use to make sure I keep cool and normal about this?
posted by Laura Macbeth to human relations (14 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
I have an intense, stupid, consuming crush on a guy (let's call him Jake) who works at a place I visit 1-2x a week for a group meeting. Jake, to keep it vague, takes care of us while our group is meeting. We've been meeting there for a year and during that time, Jake and I have struck up a friendship. I'm often the first to the meeting since I live closest, so Jake and I will chat.
We've shared intimate details with each other, and it's become a close friendship that exists only in the small universe of this meeting room. The crush is fairly mutual. We've spoken once outside the "universe," when Jake went out with my group (and the rest of his co-workers) to a place down the street for drinks. We both got a little tipsy, and admitted we like each other, but also like how safe and innocent our friendship feels. We agreed to not exchange contact information - no phone number, no social media, no mutual friends, and have stuck to this.
For a variety of complicating reasons, this crush needs to stay just as it is. It can't go further. (I don't want to get too detailed here why, but just trust this is true and isn't something I'm saying because I'm nervous about it going further.)
I love the perfect balance we have right now of a no-obligation, very lovely friendship that doesn't extend beyond the walls of our meeting place. However, I have a history of ruining crushes like this. I get anxious or need an escape, and I obsess and end up ruining the vibe by clamming up and getting awkward, or blurting out random professions of love (not quite, but you get the idea). I'm already getting more awkward around him because I have these feelings.
I have a lot of difficult life events going on now, and think about Jake too much because I don't want to think about real life. I want to go to the place on non-group days so we can talk. I find myself wanting to give him my contact information. But I want to keep things exactly as they are, for as long we can. (I realize our arrangement can't last forever.)
So, the question again is: Are you the anxious type who often escapes into the excitement/newness of crushes and find yourself taking things too far? How do you calm yourself and keep yourself from going overboard? What strategies can I use to make sure I keep cool and normal about this?
Notes: I'm in my 30s (not 16, as this would read). I'm in therapy. The group is important to me, so I don't want to stop going.