Dating men with children
September 25, 2013 4:58 AM Subscribe
Dating someone for 8 months, knew he had a 16 year old (he's 35) from a previous marriage. Just found out he has a 5 year old from a different woman. He didn't come out and tell me about second child, and that is what is making me feel indifferent. Should I be okay with this?
posted by BrandNewMe to human relations (31 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I was completely fine with him having a teenage daughter from a previous marriage, I know things happen, there was no judgement or questions and I love children. Just recently I came across a picture of a young girl which did not resemble the daughter I know of, and something in my gut just told me- so I asked who it was he kind of skirted around the topic and then admitted while stationed overseas 5 years ago he was in a relationship and before he left he found out she was pregnant. He said she claimed she was on birth control, but it seems as though she may have "become desperate" and intentionally became pregnant with his child without him knowing she was not taking her BC. He said that for a while he didn't think it was his, hasn't taken a paternity test, but the baby looks like him and they have come to accept that it has to be his. He said it was a hard year of his life, I know he doesn't have much contact if any other than occasional e-mails. They speak diff. languages and neither of them are fluent in each others language so he said he is hard to communicate with the mother and that he doesn't speak to her because she is "loopy" always e-mailing him telling him how in love with him she still is. I guess he didn't tell his family for a while because he was upset with himself, so she went ahead and told them without speaking to him so it was a big family thing.
It's an intimate detail of his life that he clearly didn't share with me for a reason, and being with someone for 8 months is kind of a short period so I'm rationalizing it because he probably doesn't even share this information with his friends, if he didn't even want to tell his family. I'm trying to be understanding but I feel he would have never told me, and I guess it is a big deal to me to know this becuase his past is littered with remnents of marriage, engagement, serious committments, two children- it makes me wonder, so maybe that is where my uncertainty is coming from. Not to go to deep but there have been times of him questioning our relationship and kind of pushing me away, just to come back and say how much he cares about me. Now all this past I am learning about is freaking me out.
The other thing is, it sort of bothers me he doesn't seem to want to be a part of her life, but then again-- they are in different countries, speak different languages, etc. He speaks to his teenage daughter a lot, she lives across the US so again he doesn't see her much but pays child support. He probably goes to see her once every year or two, but says everytime he goes he is treated like a piece of shit so he just doesn't think he deserves it.
It just feels like a tough pill to swollow, having two children different mothers and not having much contact with the children or seeming like he is too invested in them. Everyone has baggage and at my age I know a lot of men will have children/ex spouses, etc. I guess it's a personal preference. If you have children, or have been in a situation like this- if you are ashamed about a decision you have made, do you think it is okay to not discuss it with someone you want to have a future with?