By the way, I have a new boyfriend
September 23, 2013 11:28 AM Subscribe
Ex is now a neighbor and attempting to establish civility...how to let him know I'm happily in a new relationship?
I broke up with my ex about 2 years ago. I ended it with him due to his emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend but I probably dragged it on too long and ended it really abruptly when one day I just realized I would never get over it. This followed a long period of not talking and anger on both sides. We gradually re-connected a little bit over the past few months due to common friends. Obviously I have huge issues with ex contact, partly because of him, but I am fine with staying very casual acquaintances. However, I am now finding myself unintentionally in an awkward position of how to tell him about my current boyfriend of about a year. We live together and are serious. I never had a specific plan to tell my ex or not I always felt like it was non of his business and we aren't close. Unfortunately the ex recently moved very close to us and we have started to run into each other a lot more at events (our city is not that big). At this point I feel like if he finds out it will look like I was actively hiding my new beau from him which is not fair to either of them. My current boyfriend knows hes my ex when we run into each other but I'm sure he would be hurt if he discovered I didn't explain who he was. Also, recently the ex started ramping up contact and it would really just be easier if he knew I was taken and just to back off because he knows my feelings about inappropriate ex contacting. He's been nothing other than platonic though so it's hard to tell him his level of contact is inappropriate (to me) without bringing up the reason why - a new relationship. I'm not sure how to tell him without it seeming like an in your face announcement. Any ideas for how to gracefully make a late announcement that I am happily taken? I don't care if the ex stops talking to me forever but I do care about my telling him not seeming like needless cruelty.
I broke up with my ex about 2 years ago. I ended it with him due to his emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend but I probably dragged it on too long and ended it really abruptly when one day I just realized I would never get over it. This followed a long period of not talking and anger on both sides. We gradually re-connected a little bit over the past few months due to common friends. Obviously I have huge issues with ex contact, partly because of him, but I am fine with staying very casual acquaintances. However, I am now finding myself unintentionally in an awkward position of how to tell him about my current boyfriend of about a year. We live together and are serious. I never had a specific plan to tell my ex or not I always felt like it was non of his business and we aren't close. Unfortunately the ex recently moved very close to us and we have started to run into each other a lot more at events (our city is not that big). At this point I feel like if he finds out it will look like I was actively hiding my new beau from him which is not fair to either of them. My current boyfriend knows hes my ex when we run into each other but I'm sure he would be hurt if he discovered I didn't explain who he was. Also, recently the ex started ramping up contact and it would really just be easier if he knew I was taken and just to back off because he knows my feelings about inappropriate ex contacting. He's been nothing other than platonic though so it's hard to tell him his level of contact is inappropriate (to me) without bringing up the reason why - a new relationship. I'm not sure how to tell him without it seeming like an in your face announcement. Any ideas for how to gracefully make a late announcement that I am happily taken? I don't care if the ex stops talking to me forever but I do care about my telling him not seeming like needless cruelty.
On the one hand, you say that you feel more comfortable staying strictly only as casual acquaintances with your ex, but on the other hand you say you don't want to look like you're hiding your new boyfriend from your ex. That seems like a contradiction - either you want to keep things casual with your ex or you don't.
If you do want to keep things casual, then there's nothing weird about the fact of your current boyfriend's existance just not having come up yet. If you are uneasy about not having mentioned it, maybe you're subconsciously still not sure what to make of your ex right now (which is perfectly okay, if that's the case).
As far as "how to tell my ex I am now taken," you don't need to, like, do an engraved invitation, just mention your boyfriend in conversation and go on with your day ("oh, hi, ex -- I'm on my way to meet my boyfriend for lunch, how's it going with you?"). This is really not a big deal. I'd think about why you feel like it is, though, as it could indeed be a sign that there's some recovery-from-ex stuff you need to deal with still. (Again, it is perfectly okay if that's the case.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:33 AM on September 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
If you do want to keep things casual, then there's nothing weird about the fact of your current boyfriend's existance just not having come up yet. If you are uneasy about not having mentioned it, maybe you're subconsciously still not sure what to make of your ex right now (which is perfectly okay, if that's the case).
As far as "how to tell my ex I am now taken," you don't need to, like, do an engraved invitation, just mention your boyfriend in conversation and go on with your day ("oh, hi, ex -- I'm on my way to meet my boyfriend for lunch, how's it going with you?"). This is really not a big deal. I'd think about why you feel like it is, though, as it could indeed be a sign that there's some recovery-from-ex stuff you need to deal with still. (Again, it is perfectly okay if that's the case.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:33 AM on September 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't see where any of your options constitutes "cruelty."
In person: "Hi Bob, this is my boyfrend Fred."
Away: "I have to go meet my boyfriend."
However, there seems to be something unresolved in how complicated you're making this. None of his business means none of his business.
posted by rhizome at 11:37 AM on September 23, 2013 [13 favorites]
In person: "Hi Bob, this is my boyfrend Fred."
Away: "I have to go meet my boyfriend."
However, there seems to be something unresolved in how complicated you're making this. None of his business means none of his business.
posted by rhizome at 11:37 AM on September 23, 2013 [13 favorites]
Don't ever tell an ex specifically that you are "happy" in your new relationship or "happily taken." Just say "relationship" or "taken." If you add the adjective, you sound defensive and that undercuts the stability you're trying to portray.
Personally, I just never say anything about what "I" have been up to. I just always say "we" and let them figure it out on their own.
posted by janey47 at 11:38 AM on September 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
Personally, I just never say anything about what "I" have been up to. I just always say "we" and let them figure it out on their own.
posted by janey47 at 11:38 AM on September 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
"Blah blah blah, me and [NEWGUY] are going to a cottage this weekend. Have you met [NEWGUY]? Oh, that's right, you did, at the sheep-shearing show, blah blah blah..."
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:40 AM on September 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:40 AM on September 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
Just casually insert something like oh yeah, Bob (current bf) was saying blah blah blah about (relevant topic during conversation with ex). You don't need to make a big announcement (you wouldn't do that for any old casual acquaintance, and it's normal enough not to mention relationship status when talking to someone you are on casual terms with).
The level of contact, though, is what you need to address. Why don't you just say hey, I'm glad we're on friendly terms and I'd like to remain so, but I'm in a serious relationship with current bf and I'm not comfortable having quite so much contact with an ex. That's a normal thing to say, whether or not you've previously discussed your current bf. That's not cruel.
posted by KAS at 11:48 AM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
The level of contact, though, is what you need to address. Why don't you just say hey, I'm glad we're on friendly terms and I'd like to remain so, but I'm in a serious relationship with current bf and I'm not comfortable having quite so much contact with an ex. That's a normal thing to say, whether or not you've previously discussed your current bf. That's not cruel.
posted by KAS at 11:48 AM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you just come out and say, "By the way, I have a new boyfriend," Ex might respond in one of two ways:
1 -- "Oh my god, you just assume that I'm talking to you to start up our relationship again?!? WARGARBLE!!!"
2 -- "Cool. I hope he makes you happy. So, about that thing we were talking about..."
If you slip it into conversation, like "Yeah, I did see last night's Breaking Bad. My boyfriend thought it was blah blah blah...", Ex might respond in one of two ways:
1 -- "Oh my god, aren't we the little egotist, all 'my boyfriend' this and 'my boyfriend' that? WARGARBLE!!!"
2 -- "Oh, you have a new boyfriend. Cool. I hope he makes you happy. So, about Breaking Bad..."
If you don't tell him and he finds out some other way, Ex might respond in one of three ways:
1 -- "How could you not tell me about your new boyfriend and string me along? WARGARBLE!!!"
2 -- "Hey, I heard you have a new boyfriend. Cool. I hope he makes you happy. So, about this other thing..."
3 -- (She didn't tell me about the new boyfriend. That means she and I are in a secret relationship and she really wants me.)
In all cases of 1, it is Ex who is the asshole. In all cases of 2, things are great. In the case of 3... ugh; don't even give him that chance.
So just tell him.
posted by Etrigan at 11:53 AM on September 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
1 -- "Oh my god, you just assume that I'm talking to you to start up our relationship again?!? WARGARBLE!!!"
2 -- "Cool. I hope he makes you happy. So, about that thing we were talking about..."
If you slip it into conversation, like "Yeah, I did see last night's Breaking Bad. My boyfriend thought it was blah blah blah...", Ex might respond in one of two ways:
1 -- "Oh my god, aren't we the little egotist, all 'my boyfriend' this and 'my boyfriend' that? WARGARBLE!!!"
2 -- "Oh, you have a new boyfriend. Cool. I hope he makes you happy. So, about Breaking Bad..."
If you don't tell him and he finds out some other way, Ex might respond in one of three ways:
1 -- "How could you not tell me about your new boyfriend and string me along? WARGARBLE!!!"
2 -- "Hey, I heard you have a new boyfriend. Cool. I hope he makes you happy. So, about this other thing..."
3 -- (She didn't tell me about the new boyfriend. That means she and I are in a secret relationship and she really wants me.)
In all cases of 1, it is Ex who is the asshole. In all cases of 2, things are great. In the case of 3... ugh; don't even give him that chance.
So just tell him.
posted by Etrigan at 11:53 AM on September 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
You don't owe him an announcement or explanation one way or the other. You have your life, and it's to be expected you've moved on and met someone else.
posted by Dragonness at 11:53 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Dragonness at 11:53 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think you do it casually as mentioned above, but if you don't want to do it yourself, one of your mutual friends could mention it casually too. (If they haven't already.)
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:02 PM on September 23, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:02 PM on September 23, 2013
His level of contact doesn't have to be "inappropriate" for you to say something about it. If you want to keep your distance, that is perfectly reasonable, even if he's just being a perfectly friendly neighbour.
I would write or text something like this. "Hey, its cool that we're neighbours and running into each other and stuff, but I don't think we should have much contact outside of that. I know your intentions are only noble, but I'm living with my boyfriend now and it just makes me a bit uncomfortable to talk too much with an ex.
Thanks for understanding."
If he is like me, I think I understand the kind of emotional connection he is looking to get with chatting with an ex. And this kind of message would pour cold water all over it, while still letting you have a friendly 'hi' when you run into each other.
posted by beau jackson at 12:09 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would write or text something like this. "Hey, its cool that we're neighbours and running into each other and stuff, but I don't think we should have much contact outside of that. I know your intentions are only noble, but I'm living with my boyfriend now and it just makes me a bit uncomfortable to talk too much with an ex.
Thanks for understanding."
If he is like me, I think I understand the kind of emotional connection he is looking to get with chatting with an ex. And this kind of message would pour cold water all over it, while still letting you have a friendly 'hi' when you run into each other.
posted by beau jackson at 12:09 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
You're presuming a lot. Why do you think he gives a crap at all about who you're seeing? He's done nothing untoward. Just casually slip it into conversation if it bothers you so much. "Hey, I'm seeing someone, and it makes me uncomfortable to be talking to you because you're my ex."
The end. You'll never speak to him again.
posted by inturnaround at 12:18 PM on September 23, 2013
The end. You'll never speak to him again.
posted by inturnaround at 12:18 PM on September 23, 2013
I agree that you need to consider why you are making this unnecessarily complicated and emotional. It doesn't really matter how he feels or what he thinks about you being in a new relationship, and it doesn't really matter that you haven't told him yet.
I don't have the exact script for when I told my ex that I was with someone new but it was something like "I'm in a serious relationship now and our having this level/frequency of contact makes me feel somewhat awkward. Thanks for understanding."
And that was that, and we do still talk, and there was no WARGARBLE. And if there was, I don't give a shit.
posted by sm1tten at 12:18 PM on September 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
I don't have the exact script for when I told my ex that I was with someone new but it was something like "I'm in a serious relationship now and our having this level/frequency of contact makes me feel somewhat awkward. Thanks for understanding."
And that was that, and we do still talk, and there was no WARGARBLE. And if there was, I don't give a shit.
posted by sm1tten at 12:18 PM on September 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: My current boyfriend knows hes my ex when we run into each other but I'm sure he would be hurt if he discovered I didn't explain who he was.
If you are doing something that you know is potentially hurtful to your boyfriend, then it's time to push past your discomfort and say something to your ex.
Who gives a rat's whisker what the ex thinks? Frankly, I wonder what value he is even adding to your life at this point. I'd dial way back on all communications with him.
You have an extra duty of care here, since you were on the receiving end of an emotional affair, and know just how hurtful that sort of sneaky behavior is. Do the right thing by your current guy.
posted by nacho fries at 12:22 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you are doing something that you know is potentially hurtful to your boyfriend, then it's time to push past your discomfort and say something to your ex.
Who gives a rat's whisker what the ex thinks? Frankly, I wonder what value he is even adding to your life at this point. I'd dial way back on all communications with him.
You have an extra duty of care here, since you were on the receiving end of an emotional affair, and know just how hurtful that sort of sneaky behavior is. Do the right thing by your current guy.
posted by nacho fries at 12:22 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
You got the answer in the first comment.
The more you think about it, the more awkward it will be.
Aren't you a bit too concerned about ex's feelings when you should be concerned about what your current would think if he comes to know that ex is still unaware of the new relationship?
posted by TheLittlePrince at 12:29 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
The more you think about it, the more awkward it will be.
Aren't you a bit too concerned about ex's feelings when you should be concerned about what your current would think if he comes to know that ex is still unaware of the new relationship?
posted by TheLittlePrince at 12:29 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also find it a little hard to believe that your ex doesn't already know about your boyfriend. You have common friends, you live in the same small city, and you and your bf have run into your ex.
Methinks ye olde ex might be trying to groom you for an emotional affair.
posted by nacho fries at 12:38 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Methinks ye olde ex might be trying to groom you for an emotional affair.
posted by nacho fries at 12:38 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you run into your Ex, while with your current BF, just introduce them,
"Xavier, this is my boyfriend Chris. Chris, this is Xavier, you know, the one I told you about?"
Here's what I'd say to my SO, "Hey Chris, so Xavier, my Ex has moved in next door, so now I'm seeing him every-damn-where. I'll introduce you the next time we run into him." This will head off any concerns your current BF may have.
One presumes that you're exchanging pleasantries at the dry cleaners, so dropping in the fact that you have a boyfriend is unnecessary. If your Ex asks, though, "so, what are you up to?" You can say, "I'm just picking up our dry cleaning and then Chris and I are going to the mountains this weekend, you?"
Don't let this guy rent anymore space in your brain!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:48 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Xavier, this is my boyfriend Chris. Chris, this is Xavier, you know, the one I told you about?"
Here's what I'd say to my SO, "Hey Chris, so Xavier, my Ex has moved in next door, so now I'm seeing him every-damn-where. I'll introduce you the next time we run into him." This will head off any concerns your current BF may have.
One presumes that you're exchanging pleasantries at the dry cleaners, so dropping in the fact that you have a boyfriend is unnecessary. If your Ex asks, though, "so, what are you up to?" You can say, "I'm just picking up our dry cleaning and then Chris and I are going to the mountains this weekend, you?"
Don't let this guy rent anymore space in your brain!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:48 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
You broke up two years ago? There will be no needless cruelty in "By the way, I have a new boyfriend." He's going to assume you've moved on. Is there more to this story?
posted by sageleaf at 2:19 PM on September 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by sageleaf at 2:19 PM on September 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers The only thing "more" that's going on is that I am suspicious of his motives because I know him. The ex he cheated on me with (who he dated around 5 years before I left) left him because he was still in love with the girl before her. He takes literally years to get over someone. I was only afraid to tell him because I figured he would come back at me like inturnarounds answer...basically "who the hell are you to presume I care." I know that ultimately doesn't matter but those type of confrontations make me uncomfortable and I would like to avoid if possible letting him know I doubt his motives when he's done nothing to this date inappropriate. Thanks again
posted by Valkyrie21 at 3:13 PM on September 23, 2013
posted by Valkyrie21 at 3:13 PM on September 23, 2013
when you run into him:
"Hey how's it going?"
[blah]
"cool! well I'm on my way to meet Boyfriend, so see you later" / "oh really? Boyfriend said that movie was great, enjoy!" / "hope you feel better, Boyfriend had that last month and sure was glad to get over it" or anything you can come up with, true or not, that casually references Boyfriend.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:14 PM on September 23, 2013
"Hey how's it going?"
[blah]
"cool! well I'm on my way to meet Boyfriend, so see you later" / "oh really? Boyfriend said that movie was great, enjoy!" / "hope you feel better, Boyfriend had that last month and sure was glad to get over it" or anything you can come up with, true or not, that casually references Boyfriend.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:14 PM on September 23, 2013
""who the hell are you to presume I care.""
"Oh, sorry about that. Have a nice fuck off."
posted by klangklangston at 6:10 PM on September 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
"Oh, sorry about that. Have a nice fuck off."
posted by klangklangston at 6:10 PM on September 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
Welli guess it depends on how friendly or not you want to be with him. In your situation, I'd be sorely tempted to be blunt "Hey, we keep running into each other! Funny, my new boyfriend was joking that you're up to your old tricks again, trying to hook up with me now that I'm your ex, seems to be a thing with you, doesn't it! I'm sure you've moved on though, I know I have..." You said you wanted a graceful announcement but don't care if he doesn't talk to you again... It could take care of your last point, if not your first!
posted by Jubey at 7:03 PM on September 23, 2013
posted by Jubey at 7:03 PM on September 23, 2013
I doubt his motives when he's done nothing to this date inappropriate.
Well, except for the serial cheating, reconnecting with exes while with others and keeping multiple torches burning. I'm sure that's not what's happening in his head when he's "ramping up contact" with you, though. Taking years to "get over someone" is just a cute sensitive romantic quirk of his, and totally not a strategy or the entire point of his game that leaves a trail of anger and broken hearts behind him. Couldn't be that, and you certainly wouldn't be justified in calling him a poisonous shitbird and to stay the hell away from you forever. That would be rude.
Bonus soundtrack: Big Black - Bad Penny [lyrics]
posted by rhizome at 9:19 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, except for the serial cheating, reconnecting with exes while with others and keeping multiple torches burning. I'm sure that's not what's happening in his head when he's "ramping up contact" with you, though. Taking years to "get over someone" is just a cute sensitive romantic quirk of his, and totally not a strategy or the entire point of his game that leaves a trail of anger and broken hearts behind him. Couldn't be that, and you certainly wouldn't be justified in calling him a poisonous shitbird and to stay the hell away from you forever. That would be rude.
Bonus soundtrack: Big Black - Bad Penny [lyrics]
posted by rhizome at 9:19 PM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is your ex- a "friend" on Facebook? If so, make sure you have the "in a relationship" thing checked and also maybe post some photos of "Luke and me enjoying our anniversary at the beach!". If he doesn't get the drift, he's a bonehead.
Either way, the next time you see the ex- (and every time you see him) I would refer to your one-year boyfriend by his name, as opposed to "my boyfriend". Like "Luke and I are heading to the coast for the weekend." Sure, it may not sink in as easily for someone with a thick head, but I think it wordlessly demonstrates a more serious relationship. This is not just some "guy who happens to be my boyfriend at this particular moment"... this is someone you've been with for a year, someone who you're living with, trust, and share goals, dreams and love with.
Other than that, it's really none of his business.
It's not like he owns 3,000 voting shares of
He and whatever feelings/wants/regrets/bugs-up-his-ass are not your problem anymore.
You owe this guy nothing. It's nice that you guys are pleasant to each other, but you have to decide what feels best for you.
A good friend of mine was cheated on by a fiancé and after they broke up she came back later and said she wanted to be friends with him; he was very clear: "We can be friendly--I'll say hello to you if I see you at the grocery store-- but we can never be 'friends'."
Feel free fade out of returning calls/emails. And if he does something you don't like (I don't know... tries to give you hugs that you don't want) just tell him "No, don't do that.".
posted by blueberry at 10:37 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Either way, the next time you see the ex- (and every time you see him) I would refer to your one-year boyfriend by his name, as opposed to "my boyfriend". Like "Luke and I are heading to the coast for the weekend." Sure, it may not sink in as easily for someone with a thick head, but I think it wordlessly demonstrates a more serious relationship. This is not just some "guy who happens to be my boyfriend at this particular moment"... this is someone you've been with for a year, someone who you're living with, trust, and share goals, dreams and love with.
Other than that, it's really none of his business.
It's not like he owns 3,000 voting shares of
Valkyrie21, Inc. just because he once dated you. Just as he's not entitled to your quarterly financials, he doesn't ever need to be consulted, informed, or even clued in about something he may have wrong in his head.He and whatever feelings/wants/regrets/bugs-up-his-ass are not your problem anymore.
You owe this guy nothing. It's nice that you guys are pleasant to each other, but you have to decide what feels best for you.
A good friend of mine was cheated on by a fiancé and after they broke up she came back later and said she wanted to be friends with him; he was very clear: "We can be friendly--I'll say hello to you if I see you at the grocery store-- but we can never be 'friends'."
Feel free fade out of returning calls/emails. And if he does something you don't like (I don't know... tries to give you hugs that you don't want) just tell him "No, don't do that.".
posted by blueberry at 10:37 PM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
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"By the way, I have a new boyfriend"
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 11:30 AM on September 23, 2013 [14 favorites]