What and when are more?
September 17, 2013 12:11 AM   Subscribe

How long do you give yourself and your non-boyfriend to make up your minds?

I'm struggling with newfound more serious feelings in a defined-as-casual relationship. I know I have feelings for the guy, but I'm not sure what they are. Meaning I don't know what I want. I'm not sure if I want to see him more often, if I want another type of agreement (like exclusivity), etcetera, or what. I just know I want *something* more. It's been a little over 3 months.

How long do I give myself to figure this out? And, when I bring this up to the guy, how long do I give him to sit with it? I know there's the "when you know you know/he's not that into you" things but they don't feel applicable to real life. I don't want to make a hasty decision or have an ultimatum or anything crazy.

I don't want to risk losing what we could have because I throw out big feelings verbally with him while I"m trying on feelings of all sizes early on. I also don't want to be a wuss and say nothing, or not enough.

Thanks, MeFi!!
posted by drme to Human Relations (11 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
It doesn't have to be a giant change. Baby steps. Instead of saying you want to see him more often, or even deciding if you are going to change your relationship that way, ask him out on a date, or ask him in on a date.

You can also mention things that you appreciate or like or admire him for without having to wait and save them all up for a big serious important talk. You can share your feelings without having to share the biggest and most intense part of them, if you don't feel it's the time to share those yet -- but don't keep it all bottled up and secret from him, and then surprise him with them all at once.

Some things to consider:

Being exclusive isn't going to automatically give you "more" on it's own. Do you want to stop seeing other people to focus on just him emotionally? What is the "more" you are expecting from him if he stops seeing others but you see him as often as you do now?

If you want to see him more often, in what way? Go on dates? What sorts of places , and what do you want to do? Meet for sex? The same types of sexual activites, or different ones? Go on a trip together?
posted by yohko at 12:40 AM on September 17, 2013


A little more information would help here, eg:

How do you know the guy? If you go to school or work with him, you may want to exercise a little more caution than if not.

How did you come to the "defined as casual" point? Have you already discussed that you'd like to keep things platonic, in which case you might be overstepping a line that you drew together?

How much time do you spend together at the moment? Do you see him pretty often, or rarely? Can you hang out with him more without explicitly saying you'd like to do so in a "more" kind of way?

Generally speaking, I think that talking stuff like this out is the right way to go, but it depends so much on the circumstances.
posted by greenish at 2:12 AM on September 17, 2013


What do you want that you're not getting now? Figure that out and ask for it.

If you can't verbalize what you want, how will this guy be able to determine if he wants to give it to you?

If you feel lonesome for him one evening, call him up and ask him if he wants to hang.

If you want a date for an event, ask him if he'll accompany you.

Take it on an item by item basis.

Technically, you're 'seeing each other', not matter what you want to call it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:09 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think it's already figured out. This guy is your hookup. You need to date other guys who like you and want to be your boyfriend and want to be exclusive.

Also, if you're too scared to be direct with him because you prefer the ambiguity to outright rejection, then you need to stop hooking up and spend some time repairing your self esteem.
posted by discopolo at 6:16 AM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, 3 months is not a short time to decide to be exclusive or boyfriend/girlfriend. That you're afraid of losing the sex is kind of a sign that you're better off without it. It's probably likely he's fine hooking up with you but isn't looking to be your boyfriend. He would have said something because he wouldn't have wanted you to possibly be hooking up/dating other guys. But it seems like either he knows he's not in danger of losing you or doesn't really care.

Again, I encourage you to stop the relationship because it doesn't seem like you're mature enough/have enough self-respect to directly ask for what you want, so you're in too vulnerable of a position to get your needs met. Take a hiatus from the sex buddy, learn to respect yourself, figure out what you're looking for, and figure out how to get it by practicing by dating other guys.
posted by discopolo at 6:26 AM on September 17, 2013


whoa, discopolo, that's a lot of reading between the lines there. Pretty unfair. Who's to say he isn't worried about scaring her off too?

it took me and my partner nearly five months to go from regular hookup to officially dating, with both of us insisting that we could see other people, but neither of us actually making any effort to, and gradually spending more and more time together until I was pretty much living at his flat as we lost all semblance of plausible deniability. At that point we admitted it to ourselves and each other. And it was scary. I freaked out the first time he took my hand. I think it started with him telling me he'd missed me when we didn't see each other for a week or so over Xmas.

What are the reasons it was defined-as-casual? Might they no longer apply?
posted by corvine at 6:55 AM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


I gave myself 4 years, but my situation was somewhat different. (LDR we were "together" when we were together and "apart, no questions asked" when we were apart).

Time is just a red herring anyway. For me, I knew I had to have the talk with him and make a move one way or another because I knew I was falling in love with him, I wasn't interested in dating ANYONE else when we were apart, and he was all I could think about even though we lived thousands of miles away.

So even though we had an agreed casual relationship, I knew when I had to change it up and have the "talk" with him.

I think you're already at that point, so either go for it immediately or sit on it for a little longer. Either way you're going to need to talk to him! one way or another!

Good luck!
posted by JenThePro at 7:28 AM on September 17, 2013


I don't really think it's possible to answer this question without more detail, but, generally speaking I think you have to spend more time with each other to figure this out.
posted by sm1tten at 8:53 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


NOTE: I AM ASSUMING THAT THE OP IS FEMALE. FORGIVE ME IF I'M WRONG.

I know I have feelings for the guy, but I'm not sure what they are. Meaning I don't know what I want. I'm not sure if I want to see him more often, if I want another type of agreement (like exclusivity), etcetera, or what.

I think there are two schools of thought on this. One is the discopolo-style idea that you do actually know what you want, and you are afraid to admit that you want it because you don't want to scare him away.

Then there is the possibility that you are genuinely confused.

I think, based on this line:

I don't want to make a hasty decision or have an ultimatum or anything crazy.

that you do know what you want, and you are afraid that you're not going to get it. Three months is a long time to be in a casual relationship. Ultimatums are not inherently bad, and there's nothing crazy about wanting to define the relationship after three months. The fact that you use "crazy" and "ultimatum" shows that you are buying into some of the cultural tropes around women and relationships and feeling pressure to be cool and laid back and liberated.

You are allowed to ask for what you want.

If you truly do not know what you want, figure it out, but I really suspect that you know that you want him to be your boyfriend in a serious way and you're afraid of getting shot down.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:10 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


Figure out what you want that you're not getting, and what changes would give you that. Take a few days to mull it over. Ask him for it -- don't phrase it as a scary ultimatum, but rather as something exciting and good that you want and are ready for. Be prepared not to get the answer you are hoping for, amd think about it in advance so that you can have some idea of what scenarios would be dealbreakers for you, what would be acceptable compromises, and what would be great. When he does reply, give yourself a little time to think about your reaction and how you are feeling. Then proceed in whatever way you think will be best for you in the medium-long term.
posted by Scientist at 1:59 PM on September 17, 2013


I don't think that 3 months is too soon to start asking what more do you want... what exactly is it that you are looking for "more" of? Knowing either of you aren't dating others? That is reasonable enough to want to know the answer to. I think you should figure out what it is you are looking for at this point in the relationship, if it is just the label of a "boyfriend" I don't think that will bring you much, but if you are looking for more of a committment/exclusivity knowing that you are the only other one whom each other are getting physical(if you are)/emotional support from- that's a great step forward and you should open up and talk to him about it. You don't need to say, I need you to be my boyfriend or I want to be your girlfriend, or give him any ultimatums. Simply bring up that you like how things are and feel such and such with bring you guys closer. Usually if a guy is really into you, he will tell you he wants you all to himself in some way, shape, or form...so notice his reactions to you bringing this up and if he is uncomfortable with the thought of more committment then it is time for you to consider more what YOU want. Good Luck!
posted by BrandNewMe at 4:50 AM on September 18, 2013


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