What do I do about an overbearing person on a recreational sports team?
September 16, 2013 3:48 PM   Subscribe

I feel like he doesn't respect my boundaries, but on the other hand he seems like a decent guy.

I played on a rec soccer league this summer. Half way through the summer, the self-appointed captain of the team asked me to sign up for the fall league and I said I was interested.

Throughout the summer he was a pretty good captain, except I noticed he had weird issues with the females on the team. One female team member was busy and a bit anti-social and he took it really personally that she didn't come out to the pub after the games and started ranting about her to the rest of us. He didn't say anything disrespectful or sexist, thankfully.

When the time came to sign up for the fall league, he sent out a bunch of emails asking me to confirm. I was having a really stressful week at work so it took me a few days to reply. By that time he had sent 3 emails, and since I didn't have time to worry about it at the time, I just clicked on the "confirm" button.

I decided I don't want to play on the fall team so I made up the excuse that I have to work, and I said I'd try to find another person to take my spot. But basically, he knows that I was lying about that but can't take a hint. So he wrote back stating that "I think you'll be good to play with us."

I feel bothered by this because this is supposed to be a recreational league and the whole point is that it's not competitive and in my mind I'm not supposed to feel pressured to do something I don't want to do. To be fair I was one of the least flaky people throughout the summer.

I think he just really likes soccer and wants to have a good team come together, but I really don't like his approach especially since I only met him 3 months ago. If it wasn't for his bossy controlling ways, I probably would want to play on the fall team.

What's the best way to deal in this situation? He's not a crazy jerk or something, just annoying and can't take a hint. I know he wants me on the team because he thinks I'm a good team player, but his approach to it is really off-putting.
posted by winterportage to Human Relations (21 answers total)
 
Send him an email saying "It will not be possible for me to be the team."

If he sends other emails, create an email rule to automatically put his emails in the trash, so you don't even have to see them. If you're not sure how to do that, just say so in this thread and what email program you're using and we can help you create the email rule.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:59 PM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


Does the league have rules about gender makeup of the teams? Some co-ed sports leagues I know have rules that require each time to have a certain number of women, in order to ensure that the league remains co-ed, and sometimes teams have trouble recruiting and keeping that number of active female players. So maybe that's why he's so pushy?

That said, it's unacceptable of him to be so pushy, even if he thinks he has a good reason. And so you need to set a boundary. "I'm sorry, but I will not be able to play this fall," is a totally reasonable answer. Do not give reasons (such as having to work), because he sees every reason you give as an opportunity for him to persuade you further by knocking down the reason. Just simply say that you won't be playing. And if he continues to harass you, I'd tell him that you're going to have to report the harassment to the league to make clear that you are not going to play, and that it's partly because of his behavior.

But first, before you do anything else, say an unequivocal no, and let him know that the matter is not open for further discussion.
posted by decathecting at 4:05 PM on September 16, 2013


Hi. I have dealt with similar situations in recreational adult co-ed soccer leagues.

First thought - guy probably is clueless and has no idea he's annoying you. He probably is too focused on having (1) a good team and (2) having a full roster. I've been in his shoes trying to set up a relatively new team where we I was worried we would just barely have enough to play through the season.

Second thought - good team players (and good team chemistry) are hard to come by, so you're an asset. He doesn't want to see you go. This is especially true if winning is important to him, which it sounds like it is. (This is especially true of women. It's sad, but I know good women have a pretty easy time of getting on co-ed teams because they're so in demand. Sort of like drummers.)

Third thought - you gotta be frank. Explicitly tell him you will not be playing on the team this season, and when he follows up repeat and then ignore. I tried to lightly beg out of a indoor team I was on at the the end of the season. I used work and other commitments as an excuse, but the captain kept pestering me. I finally just told her no, and I'll let her know when I might want to return. She reached out of a few more times, but I just trashed the emails. Since then a few of my former teammates from that squad have asked me about returning. I had an ACL excuse, but now I've been honest. "Oh is Jane still on the team? I don't think we play well together." I've found on the field and off the field stuff are equally important.

And maybe find another team? "Recreational" has many different meanings.
posted by kendrak at 4:06 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also note that you haven't really established a boundary, based on what you wrote. So while you may feel as though he's violating boundaries, he may not honestly understand where yours is in this situation. That doesn't make it ok and you're entitled to feel however you want, but food for thought.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:13 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


He's devoted to this league, so he's pushing a little bit past polite comfort zones. Which is OK in this context because he is in a leadership position, you are free to decline, and there are no serious consequences for refusal.

I would complement him on his devotion, wish him luck, and tell him to forget about my participation.

"I don't want to. And I'm not going to." Say it with a smile.
posted by General Tonic at 4:15 PM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


But basically, he knows that I was lying about that but can't take a hint.

Why does he know you were lying? Why should he have to take a hint? Stiffen up and say "I will not play next season", no need to hint around.

I have helped organise rec teams and it's a giant pain in the ass. I think 'sent me followup emails when I didn't respond for next season' is not something you can hold against him, nor is "did not take a hint when I half ass thought about not playing but wasn't really convincing about it and just sounded like i was flaking". If you want to do something that doesn't require organization and someone running it, then join a team with 38 members that doesn't care if you turn up or not. (And to be clear, I mean that in a literal sense - rec teams basically have to split between having more people than necessary so that sometimes you turn up and don't play but there is no pressure on you to turn up, and having about the right number of people and relying on/pressuring everyone to turn up/sign up again for next season. You sound like you might prefer the first type, but they're rare because people get sick of having too much time on the bench and leave and then you're down to just enough people and start pressuring the remaining members to turn up.)
posted by jacalata at 4:16 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


"No, I am not available. That is non-negotiable. Thanks for thinking of me."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 4:16 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


Who *cares* if he thinks you're lying? Don't let him guilt-trip you into playing on a team you don't want to.

Unless it's somehow required, don't bother 'trying to find another person to take your spot'. Just reiterate that you will not be playing on his team: this is where you tell him, ONCE, "I'm sorry, but that will not be possible". Period, end of sentence, end of conversation.

Your decision is not up for discussion, nor do you owe him an explanation for that decision; don't let him make it into something to discuss or debate.
posted by easily confused at 4:35 PM on September 16, 2013


Just say what you mean. He's not a jerk, or maybe he is a jerk, but expecting other people to read your mind is jerkish behavior on your part.

I feel bothered by this because this is supposed to be a recreational league and the whole point is that it's not competitive

Not all rec teams are the same. Tell him that you don't want to play - TELL HIM - and find a more relaxed rec team. And say what you mean and don't get offended by team leaders doing normal things like sending follow-up emails and encouraging you to play on their team.

If you keep getting emails after you leave the team, assume it's an error, and ask to be unsubscribed from the list. And then set up an email filter and never think about it again.

I said I'd try to find another person to take my spot.

Did anyone ask you to do this? Don't offer to do things like this. You're just making the situation more awkward than it needs to be. If the team captain asked you to do this, then he's being kind of a pain in the ass and you should ignore that request. The team is not your problem anymore.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 4:41 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


if you communicate directly you won't have to deal with all this back and forth. just send him an email saying something like, "i won't be able to play on the fall league after all. hope you have a great season." that's it. when you are direct then you don't have to say things like you'll try to find someone else to take your spot which is just creating stress for yourself.
posted by wildflower at 5:05 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think he just really likes soccer and wants to have a good team come together, but I really don't like his approach especially since I only met him 3 months ago. If it wasn't for his bossy controlling ways, I probably would want to play on the fall team.

Sure he's being "overly communicative", shall we say, but I've been there trying to encourage reluctant players to join since we needed the numbers, and they seemed to enjoy soccer. Also in my case I had to front quite a bit of cash to secure the field, so I needed firm yes/no answers. It sounds like he's rubbing you the wrong way and this irritation is starting to grow, but I'm not hearing him doing anything abnormal here, let alone bossy and controlling. Honestly, it sounds like you're the one with the problem, and that's a shame since it is interfering with your access to soccer.

Also I've seen recreational range from friendly to extremely competitive house league.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:02 PM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


Half way through the summer, the self-appointed captain of the team asked me to sign up for the fall league and I said I was interested.

When the time came to sign up for the fall league, he sent out a bunch of emails asking me to confirm. I was having a really stressful week at work so it took me a few days to reply. By that time he had sent 3 emails, and since I didn't have time to worry about it at the time, I just clicked on the "confirm" button.

I decided I don't want to play on the fall team so I made up the excuse that I have to work, and I said I'd try to find another person to take my spot. But basically, he knows that I was lying about that but can't take a hint. So he wrote back stating that "I think you'll be good to play with us."


So what I'm hearing from this is that you said you'd rejoin, got flakey when he wanted confirmation, eventually confirmed, then backed out by mentioning being overworked and hoping he'll "take a hint"? On my rec teams this would be really uncool behaviour. It's normal for captains to ask people whether they're joining, even aggressively - this is because teams are expensive and need a fairly exact number of people to commit. On coed teams you're probably one of not many potential women (my rec teams normally have 4 women and 8-10 men), so I'm not surprised he was pushing you for a commitment given that you already verbally agreed.

This is not a case of his overstepping boundaries (well, it might be, but it isn't from the situation you've described here). It's a case of you not being clear about your intentions. It can still be fixed by, well, being clear about your intentions. "I do not want to join" full stop.
posted by randomnity at 6:10 PM on September 16, 2013 [12 favorites]


Yeah, I think you are both a little bit to blame for this dust-up. He is probably being a bit overbearing, but you might be misunderstanding what recreational means. Yes, it means you are out there to have fun, but it doesn't mean you don't have to take your commitment to the team/league seriously. There are a bunch of people who want to play, and if people are flaking in and out, they may not meet the necessary numbers to play their game(s) that day. Which also means the other team(s) lose out on playing.
posted by gjc at 7:59 PM on September 16, 2013


If he sent out only a single email to everyone, there probably wouldn't be a team at all.

What's with all the hinting on your end? Just say that you have changed your mind and won't be participating. Don't all these other things. He shouldn't have to "take a hint" to figure out if you are going to play or not.

I noticed he had weird issues with the females on the team

I find it outputting when people don't accord groups of women a noun as well, and I'd find him referring to the women as "females" really off-putting as well. Nothing obligates you to be around someone like this.
posted by yohko at 10:18 PM on September 16, 2013


That sounds like fun and too bad the captain is so off-putting. I'd just email him without excuses -- just the bottom line: "I can't commit to the team this fall. You'll have to find someone else. Sorry." Someone who can't take a hint, as you say, is going to focus on any excuse you give him and try to argue against it. "You're not busy. You were fine for the spring season and your job is the same." Maybe even "We will go lighter on practices." Etc. If you just don't want to be on the team, don't give other excuses -- just say you can't or won't be part of the team.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:59 PM on September 16, 2013


Best answer: Classic Ask vs Guess dilemma.

You need to be expressly clear with him. Since he can't take a hint, you're not helping yourself by attempting to give him one. Tell him, straight up, that you're not going to be on the team this fall. Do this ASAP, so he can't moan at you more about not giving him enough time to find another player.

Send him an email today, saying that you won't be available to play. When you've sent that email, don't respond to any more he sends you. Any more contact with him is going to be used as an excuse to ride roughshod over that boundary. It sounds like you're not actually playing at the moment, which makes things easier.

Look on this as a chance to practice your assertiveness. Next time, don't agree to something that you're being pressured into. See someone trying to hassle you as a sign that you need to leave the area. You don't even need to lie to people like this to get them to back off, you just need to be clear. "I won't be available to play in the Fall" is all you really need to say. You can keep your conscience clear.
posted by Solomon at 2:04 AM on September 17, 2013


I like the non-snarkiness in all these suggestions, so try those first. But if you need to move it up a notch, you could say, "You can put me on the roster if it makes you feel better. But I won't be at any practices or games, or pay any team dues."
posted by Rykey at 8:56 AM on September 17, 2013


Response by poster: Ok, I guess this is a learning example of how to communicate or whatever.

Just to be fair, when I originally signed up I signed up without a team and was placed with a bunch of random people. I sort of thought this way how the league worked (although I didn't give it much thought), so it didn't seem like it was hard to get a replacement. But I can see now that people probably try to get people they know together and form a team because you play better that way or something.

I am working on my communication style, because I am introverted and sometimes have trouble conveying to strangers what I mean (in person or in words or whatever way it is).

Honestly, it sounds like you're the one with the problem, and that's a shame since it is interfering with your access to soccer.

Oh, thanks for that. I have a problem now. really helpful.
posted by winterportage at 2:33 PM on September 22, 2013


Response by poster: I find it outputting when people don't accord groups of women a noun as well, and I'd find him referring to the women as "females" really off-putting as well. Nothing obligates you to be around someone like this.

Actually, he refers to the women players as "girls" (I said "female" because the league is coed and I was just distinguishing... also there is a required amount of "female" players). I really dislike when men do this... especially men who are 20 years older than me and have appointed themselves as the captain of a recreational team made of people that have never met before. I didn't say anything about it, but it definitely got under my skin a bit. Another woman on the team quit because he was always haranguing her about not coming for post-game drinks... she was a nursing student and really busy with school and work.
posted by winterportage at 2:46 PM on September 22, 2013


Actually, he refers to the women players as "girls" (I said "female" because the league is coed and I was just distinguishing... also there is a required amount of "female" players). I really dislike when men do this

So, this can be a sign of sexism. It can also just be how everyone talks. I don't know how old you are, but in all my social circles (ages ~25-35) people say "guys and girls" rather than "men and women", which sounds waaaaay too formal for us. I'm almost 30 and "woman" still feels weird to me. There's unfortunately not a good word for women that is informal. ("gals" is just....awful). Like everyone else on my teams, I refer to the women on my sports teams as "girls" and I'm about as feminist as you get (and also female). So, don't read too much into this. I would be looking at him funny if he says "men and girls", though, rather than "guys and girls".

Another woman on the team quit because he was always haranguing her about not coming for post-game drinks... she was a nursing student and really busy with school and work.

So I have played on many different teams, and I can tell you that this is a team personality fit issue - some teams like to go out after the game, others don't. The ones that do will often give you shit about it if you don't (gender is irrelevant), because a lot of rec teams place more importance on the "rec" part (i.e. drinking) than the "sports" part. This is totally normal, you just need to stand up for yourself and say that you won't be going out, or avoid those teams if you don't like being asked to go out.

I'm not saying this guy isn't an asshole, he may well be for reasons you haven't described here. I'm saying that everything you've mentioned so far is well within the normal range of behaviour for the many non-assholes I've played with in the past.

Anyway, it's totally fine for you to find another team to join, lots of people do that when they don't fit in well with the team. It's just important that you're clear about what you want, so you aren't leaving him with an empty spot to fill (which he's paid for). I captain teams sometimes, and I can tell you that it really sucks to suddenly lose a player (when they previously agreed to join, so you were counting on them) without enough time to find a replacement, since it both messes up the team and increases the cost for everyone else.
posted by randomnity at 5:08 PM on September 22, 2013


Response by poster: Ok so follow-up for anyone who's still reading...

I just decided to send him an e-transfer for the money I owed to get him to go away...
A few hours later he sends me a long email saying how honest that was of me, and what a great player I was, and I am welcome on any team of his in the future... I'll keep that email to read on a bad day... i can't help but feel he must have a bit of a crush on me though.
posted by winterportage at 8:40 PM on October 5, 2013


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