Extreme Angst: 11 yo Version
September 16, 2013 2:15 PM   Subscribe

I need advice, a life coach, a parenting coach, a therapist. In the meantime, please help me to determine the seriousness and most of all what to do when my 11 yo son is so distraught over a series of seemingly trivial events. Please help me know what to say.

So my 11 year old son has been home from school for 1 hour and has had the following upsets:
rice instead of noodles in chicken soup, not wanting anything with ketchup in it, discord with the swim schedule as it disagrees with a time his friend is available to play electronics although this is not an electronics day, I accidentally packed 2 brownies in his sister's lunch instead of 1 in each lunch so he didn't get one, not having been signed up for very casual intramural sports (kickball), finding out that he had the sign-up sheet and never gave it to me since 9/6, someone accidentally spilling a little bit of water on him at lunch, not remembering to get his assignment book signed by me this weekend (meaning possibly not getting to go to a party event later this year due to missing this homework). Some of these upsets have resulted in extreme crying and harshness to himself and everyone around him, probably four or so separate loud crying incidents.

I don't even know what to say. I say I'm sorry and that's too bad and there's always next time. About the brownie I said that it is not that huge of a deal, just one brownie. About the intramural sports I said that we can probably still sign up but he was crying so violently that I finally had to say that it was fine that he was sad but he had to go to his room until he could control himself because he was disrupting everyone. I realize these are not big upsets in the scheme of things but he is this upset and I am very sad for him that he feels so badly and seems unable to roll with any little issue.

Is this normal? I'm worried that these reactions are so extreme.

What can I say? I feel like someone better at parenting than I or with better examples to pull from would know the right reassuring thing to say.

I'm pretty stressed lately. Maybe for some good reasons and just some general depression and anxiety. I feel like he would be far better off with another parent. My mind gets in a rut of I don't know what to say, anything I say will be bad, if I say nothing that is bad too. I'm feeling extremely indecisive about everything lately so it makes sense that I don't know what to do here either.
posted by RoadScholar to Human Relations (34 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Parenting is hard.

It's your job to teach him how to process his frustrations, not necessarily by making them go away.

That said, is there a bigger stressor in his life that is what this is all really about?

He's 11, so can you have a conversation with him and tell him some of the things you're worried about, so that it's a two way conversation?

Have you had him talk to a child psychologist to see if there is something going on with him outside of growing pains?

The tricky thing about parenting is that you learn it by doing it. Each child teaches you how to parent them. But it takes 18 years, and you only get the hang of it by the time they're out the door.
posted by Native in Exile at 2:20 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


The reactions are severe, but not what I would characterise as extreme. Each issue might seem trivial, but presented together, might seem to be a big deal for a 11 year old.

My suggestion is to talk to him calmly about how things could be sorted out, and how, in the larger scheme of things, a brownie is not that important. What is important is that you love him, and support him.

My children were at that age once, and in their world, these things can be overwhelming.

Good luck.
posted by rasputin98 at 2:20 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


Learning to put stuff in perspective is an adult skill. He's a young kid. This does sound like a lot of stuff to happen all at once for an eleven year old! I remember looking forward to lunch all day and how great it was to have a brownie or a treat. It would totally ruin my day if it wasn't there.

I don't think you should see this as a problem because he's blowing stuff out of proportion -- rather it's one of those thousands of little experiences throughout adolescence that add up to becoming an adult, like you, who doesn't sweat the small stuff.
posted by telegraph at 2:22 PM on September 16, 2013 [9 favorites]


Also - it's the beginning of the school year. Is he at a new school? New friends? New routine? Change is hard. Even going back to the same school but a new grade is hard.
posted by barnone at 2:23 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


Eleven is that boundary age between being a kid and being a teen, so it's likely there is something hormonal going on.

On top of that, he may have had a bad day at middle school - middle school will do that to you.

And, piling on, your general challenges with anxiety and depression may be stressing him out in some ways, and this is one of your son's ways of verbalizing his, for lack of a better word, unhappiness.

So it may be a good idea for you to address what's going on in your head. It's not going to happen overnight, but if you can think of some way forward, it may help your relationship with your son.

I would expect that a number of answers here will say "therapy! therapy!" but at the very least, talk to someone on a free help line.

But also explain to your son that you are feeling low, ask him how he feels about it, and if you can, promise that you will address your challenges, and then ask him to help you be accountable.

You'll help clear the air, engage your son, and perhaps find a way through this challenge you're encountering right now.

Fundamentally, children expect their parents to behave like parents - lead - so this must be disconcerting for your son.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:24 PM on September 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


So he found all of this out today? I think I'd be in a mighty grump, too, and I'm an adult who has acquired tools for dealing with terrible no good very bad days. They're little things but they do add up to one of those Mondays where everything goes wrong.

So is this reaction typical or atypical for him? If the former, he does need to work on coping tools.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:25 PM on September 16, 2013 [21 favorites]


This sounds very much like a list of grievances my 12 year old daughter might come up with, and her reactions might be very similar. It's a tough age, and the slightest problem can seem like a life-crushing catastrophe.

I like to tell my daughter that it's OK to feel frustrated and angry and sad about these things, but part of growing up is learning to control and mediate your reactions to these strong feelings. I find if she knows the emotions are OK and are natural, it helps her deal with them a bit better -- a lot of her stress and frustration is tied up in the fact that she gets stressed and frustrated so easily!
posted by Rock Steady at 2:25 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm not a parent and don't know anything about parenting so this is not coming from an "I'm better at parenting than you" angle whatsoever.

But it sounds like all of this has built up for your son. Like major frustration has built up over a long time.

There are a couple patterns here, like forgetting things. He forgets something, and then gets punished, or misses out on really fun things he was looking forward to.

It sounds like he doesn't forget these things on purpose, he might be trying really hard to remember everything, but he just not might be able to do it. So it's understandable to me that he would get really frustrated and upset. Especially if he has been trying to do better for a long time and just keeps having trouble with it.

There is the pickiness about food. He could have sensory issues that make it way harder for him to eat certain foods than it would be for the average person. When I was his age, I had an eating disorder where I could only eat certain things. If those things weren't available then I would feel really upset because then I wouldn't be able to eat at all, and I was really hungry. That is a different sort of issue but I could definitely understand how someone who was hungry, and felt like there wasn't anything around that they could eat, might have an emotional explosion.

Then there is the worrying about his schedule and how it conflicts with things. I think it would be a really really good idea to discuss these particular things with his pediatrician or school counselor.
posted by cairdeas at 2:26 PM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


So, you suspect you have anxiety and depression problems--and these things are often hereditary. Not that there aren't ordinary coping skills that need to be worked on, but if you need to see a professional about this, there's no reason he can't do the same. I mean, if it's just today then it's probably not that big a deal, but if today is an example of how things are a lot of days, then by all means, don't feel the need to tough this out on your own. Even if it is just part of growing up, seeing a professional won't hurt, and if it's an ongoing problem and an early sign of the same sorts of problems you have, then he'll be way better off if he learns proper CBT sort of coping skills sooner than later. And you, too.
posted by Sequence at 2:29 PM on September 16, 2013


Experienced parent here.

Yup, eleven is when hormonal upheavals are in play, plus he is dealing with a ton of other kids' hormonal issues at school, plus that does seem to be a whole ton of little things at one time that add up into One Big Thing.

And then if YOU are dealing with stress and depression, you do realize he picks up on that too?

Is it possible to come up with a routine to help him remember to have you sign stuff? Routines are comforting at any age, but particularly now, when school pressures are starting to ramp up and there is SO much to have to remember?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:29 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


I think you have to take hormones into account, at that age, as well as school just being tough and him just having a terrible, horrible, no-good very-bad day. Which we adults do, too.

So. Maybe go up to him and tell him what you do on days when Nothing Goes Right. Watch your favorite show? Long bike ride? Listen to a favorite artist? Chocolate ice cream? What have you.

But this concerns me:

I'm pretty stressed lately. Maybe for some good reasons and just some general depression and anxiety. I feel like he would be far better off with another parent. My mind gets in a rut of I don't know what to say, anything I say will be bad, if I say nothing that is bad too. I'm feeling extremely indecisive about everything lately so it makes sense that I don't know what to do here either.

You need to ease up on yourself a little. Even if you were a perfect parent, he'd still have bad days where nothing went right. You need to let him feel bad and not take it as an indictment of you. It's not. It's just life, being stressful.

So if he's still in his room, go up and talk to him, hug him if he'll let you, and just tell him you're sorry today was so crappy, but that it's ok to not feel good all the time too. And that if there's anything big that's worrying him, you will listen. And then do. Make it about him and try to hear what's really going on.

If it becomes a long-term thing, if every day is like this and there are never good days, then maybe think about counseling or looking for a bigger issue.
posted by emjaybee at 2:33 PM on September 16, 2013 [13 favorites]


You might not be in the right mental place to read a book right now, but Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a great one for helping you learn how to respond to your child's emotions.

I only have a three-year-old so I don't know what's normal for an 11-year-old, but I think when your child is overwhelmed with emotions, empathizing with their feelings is far more effective than trying to dismiss them. We have enough perspective as adults to understand that not getting a brownie (when your sister got TWO!) isn't the worst thing that could happen, but it really does suck, you know. Especially when combined with a million other crappy things happening on the same day. Having your parent tell you it really doesn't matter doesn't give you anything to do with your feelings. I'm a big fan of validating feelings and helping the child brainstorm solutions. This takes a lot of mental energy and patience and I imagine it would be incredibly difficult when you're feeling stressed out and overwhelmed yourself.

If this is how things regularly go in your home, then yes, therapy therapy therapy! If this is just a case of you both having terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, then I'd suggest ice cream and a movie for dinner.
posted by logic vs love at 2:35 PM on September 16, 2013 [12 favorites]


Can you give him a brownie now today? I know it's dinner time and all, but it's only one brownie, and if I were a kid and my sibling got double treats and I got none at all, that would bother me. Treats are a big deal at that age. Or give him doubles tomorrow?

It also seems like a lot more structure than I remember having as a kid - so much to sign with significant consequences, so many "days"! That's just the way of the world now, but I think it's harder on kids today. When I was that age in the eighties, we had to get stuff signed, yes, but there wasn't a lot of "no, you can't be in the party because of one mistake" or "this is the day for that and not this" unless it was piano lessons or something.

Give him the missing brownie, tell him you'll talk later about how we can handle this stuff so it's less stressful in the future.
posted by Frowner at 2:35 PM on September 16, 2013 [14 favorites]


You haven't quite shared whether today's behavior is out of the ordinary for him. If it is, then you might bear in mind that he may also have heard about the shootings today, and that might have increased his base level of anxiety such that all of these small things feel even more heavily weighted upon him. I know that I have days where I feel like I've been pecked to death by ducks, and while no one thing rises to a level of horror, the combination can drive me, an otherwise allegedly sane person at the almost-half-century mark to lose my marbles. (The wrong bagel on a typical day is no big deal; the wrong bagel on the same day you find out someone you know has cancer? Meltdown trigger.)

I'd make sure he's adequately hydrated and rested, fed something to balance out his blood sugar, and then perhaps revisit the more major of these things that will have an impact past today. (And ask him which he'd prefer -- to have double the brownies tomorrow or to forget the whole thing; keeping the brownies from his sister to make it "fair" wouldn't work, because the error wasn't her fault.)

If this isn't out of the ordinary for him, well, everyone above me has given excellent advice.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 2:35 PM on September 16, 2013


> Is this normal?

I don't know if they're normal, per say, but they're certainly not unheard of. I've seen kids (my own, or those of friends, or myself) melt down over just these sorts of things that seem so small to us.

I feel like he would be far better off with another parent.

That, however, is not normal (although again, it's not freakish or anything: I've felt that way). Do you have someone you can talk to about this?
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:38 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh yeah, you're going to love the teen years.

This is a combination of hormones and of frustration. Some of this is "things I screwed up" and some of it is "things other people screwed up" and he's pissed off with people AND having a pity party.

First, apologize for the brownie so that he knows that you 'get' it. "Scooter, I'm so sorry I screwed up with the brownie at lunch. It must have sucked to expect it and to find out that it wasn't in your lunch. What would you rather do, have double dessert tonight, or have me make it up to you in your lunch tomorrow?" You telling him, "it's just one brownie" is minimizing his disappointment and making him feel very Cinderfella.

Another thing you can do is to call around and see if you can sign him up for Kick-Ball. If it's informal, I'm sure that there were other kids whose dog ate their homework. Just call the organizer. "Hey Scooter, great news, it turns out that we were able to get you into kickball!"

Look, our lives are filled with aggravation and disappointment. Learning to deal with it is part of growing up. Problem solving is also a part of life.

So many kids are afraid of screwing up, so showing your son that everyone does mess up, and that sometimes if we work at it, we can make it okay, can be a positive life lesson.

Not everything has to have drastic consequences. "You missed sign up, I guess next time you'll learn to turn stuff in on time" seems kind of counterproductive if one phone call can sort it out.

The homework thing, that's different. If he blew it, he blew it. Time management and task management is a skill that needs to be cultivated. I get it, I do, but missing that homework thing, that's for his teacher to decide. Let him advocate for it himself, but don't step in.

I remember not getting to go to a field trip because I missed some assignments. I was one of a handful of kids left at school and I was MAD! But in that time, I made up all the work and I never forgot that if they say you have to be caught up with your work, they MEAN it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:41 PM on September 16, 2013 [13 favorites]


My son does this sort of thing when he's stressed or scared about something completely unrelated: an upcoming school party or holiday, a visit from relatives, etc - often something it would never ovvur to us to be anxiety-producing (birthday parties?!). You could try asking your son if there's anything coming up that he's worried about - it could be he's spending so much energy not freaking out about the thing that's really troubling him, that he's channeling it into these relatively minor upsets as a way to let off steam.
posted by Mchelly at 2:43 PM on September 16, 2013


I finally bit the bullet this year and started seeing a family therapist. I found someone who is more in the style of a coach than of the quietly listen to you school. My daughter (just turned 11) and I went together for about 6 months, and I went to her by myself 4 or 5 times. Now she consults by email periodically. She has a sliding scale (common) which I utilized.

It was the best thing I've ever done as a parent. Lots of practical advice. Good reality checks about what is normal and what isn't. Useful empathy.

I highly recommend it.
posted by latkes at 2:43 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


I remember when I was roughly the same age and had a massive meltdown because Dad ate the last Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie. I lost my mind. I screamed, I cried, I declared that no one would EVER make this up to me. I even went so far as to say that it was all the proof I needed to that Daddy did NOT love me.

My mom sat me down right then and asked me why I got so upset. I couldn't even begin to articulate why the cookie sent me over the edge. She asked me if my stress camel was tired and I was so confused I stopped freaking out and listened.

She explained that a lot of people don't like to deal with frustrating or annoying things when they happen. Either they don't want to cause a scene, or they don't think it's an okay thing to be upset over. So what they do is they push the bad feelings aside and put them on the stress camel. Eventually, you do this too much and the stress camel can't take it and it collapses. Then some little straw or missing cookie sends you over the edge and you have to deal with all that stress all at once.

Then she told me that it's just something I have to work on, that it doesn't automatically get easier to notice when the stress camel is getting tired. But with practice, you can start to realize when you are just being upset because you're just upset and when you are upset over something more real.

She told me that sometimes your stress camel is tired and you need to deal with the feelings. The important thing to remember is being mean and hurtful because you're overloaded doesn't help anyone and just overloads other people's stress camels.
posted by teleri025 at 2:53 PM on September 16, 2013 [138 favorites]


I'm pretty stressed lately. Maybe for some good reasons and just some general depression and anxiety. I feel like he would be far better off with another parent. My mind gets in a rut of I don't know what to say, anything I say will be bad, if I say nothing that is bad too. I'm feeling extremely indecisive about everything lately so it makes sense that I don't know what to do here either.

I think your first priority should be to get some help for yourself, from a counselor or a psychiatrist, because this last paragraph makes you sound despairing-- almost on the verge of not being able to cope and coming to a complete halt, in fact.

My guess is that your son perceives your withdrawal (I'm tempted to say near-dissociation), is freaked out by it, and is pulling out all the stops to try to provoke a response and snap you out of it.

His version of smelling salts, if you will, however unhelpful and exacerbating.

If you can find a way to feel better, he may very well find himself behaving better.
posted by jamjam at 2:55 PM on September 16, 2013 [7 favorites]


Having your parent tell you it really doesn't matter doesn't give you anything to do with your feelings. I'm a big fan of validating feelings and helping the child brainstorm solutions.

I think this is a great point. Empathizing (e.g., "I bet this feels like way too much to deal with in one day! I don't blame you for feeling frustrated") and then helping him find a way to manage those feelings and to soothe himself (e.g., "when I get frustrated, I like to spend time in the garden [or whatever] -- what do you think would make you feel better?") could be helpful, and helps him think ahead to what he might do the next time he has a bad day. It also sends the message that his feelings aren't "bad" and that he isn't "bad" for having them -- important messages for any child to receive, I think.

(Note: not a parent myself, but a doting aunt to tween/young teen boys, plus formerly an 11-year-old who rarely had negative feelings validated).
posted by scody at 3:00 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


My brother was like this pretty much his entire childhood life...terrible tantrums, even into his teens. (My parents dealt with it the same way they dealt with me and my problems, which was basically: "look, I'm sorry you're upset, but life isn't fair so suck it up." Not saying that's how you should handle this, I'm just sayin'.) He was a very difficult kid.

My brother is now a perfectly well-functioning adult with a full time job and a dog and an apartment and everything, who is unfailingly kind and helpful to others, hardworking, and responsible. It took him a while to get there, but he's done a lot of maturing in the last 3 or so years.

The point I'm trying to make is basically every kid is different, obviously, but the extreme angst, outbursts, etc isn't exactly foretelling doom for his future. Try not to be so hard on yourself, and start going to therapy so you can work on some coping strategies.
posted by phunniemee at 3:10 PM on September 16, 2013


I feel like he would be far better off with another parent. My mind gets in a rut of I don't know what to say, anything I say will be bad, if I say nothing that is bad too.
You should know that your son wants YOU to be his mother. Even if there was some other woman who knew better what to say or do, he is attached to YOU and would not want this hypothetically perfect parent instead of the Mom that he actually loves.

It actually true that are moments with kids where it seems like anything you say is wrong and not saying anything is wrong and you just can't win. It's also true that depression will make things far more hopeless than they really are. As long as you can keep your love for your son up front and keep trying to be the best (albeit imperfect) parent you can, it will all work out.
posted by metahawk at 3:25 PM on September 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


I say this with the greatest of compassion: Please get treatment for your own depression and anxiety. I was like this at that age and it was absolutely a reflection of my parents' own mental health. I don't resent the unwell parent for being unwell but I wish I hadn't spent so much of my childhood being treated as though the problem was me. You need to put your own cognitive and emotional house in order before you can help him manage his. If you seek help now, you'll be modelling good self-care behaviour for your son, which is especially important for a kid who may have a higher genetic risk of depression and anxiety. He needs to learn that healthy people seek help when they can't cope; teach him that by getting help for yourself.
posted by embrangled at 3:47 PM on September 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


I really feel for you. People have given you good suggestions above. I wanted to add that I literally went to a "parenting coach" when my child was going through a rough patch earlier this year. We had talked to family, friends, teachers; read lots of books; tried lots of strategies; everyone agreed he was in a rough patch, that it was pretty normal and he'd probably grow out of it eventually, and that nothing was working. People were totally sympathetic, but dealing with it EVERY DAY is so draining and wearing and terrible for a parent; home becomes this place of constant stress and discord and it's impossible not to feel like you're failing your child, whom you only want to comfort and help.

Anyway we finally called the pediatrician, with whom we'd spoken about this a couple of times, and said, "We are DYING, we need more help, this is awful." And she referred us to a parenting coach. He's actually a child and family psychologist, but he thinks of his practice as focused on, as he explained it to our four-year-old, "helping parents to learn to be better parents, because your parents have never been parents before, and they've never been YOUR parents before, and lots of times it's good to have help when you're learning how to do something new."

He literally coached us -- and our kids -- through some sample interactions (sometimes our kid got to be the parent, which he loved) and helped us figure out which problem behaviors to focus on and how to deal with them. And really, like magic, after a week of using his strategies, our child's behavior took a dramatic turn for the better. It was nothing special -- consistency, clear language, time-outs -- but having a professional who'd seen hundreds of kids assure us we were good parents and help us figure out what to focus on and what to let go, what language to use, when to call him because it was a more serious problem versus just some behavioral growing pains -- it was super-helpful. We weren't really doing anything WRONG, but he helped us focus in on being consistent with our best strategies, and pointing out pitfalls in our discipline that were actually reinforcing bad behavior rather than correcting it.

Ask your pediatrician (or your own therapist!) for a referral; it's a totally normal thing to ask for and your pede will either know someone or can find someone. Parenting coaching is a real thing, and it is really very helpful. With the pediatrician referral it was covered by our insurance, but it would have absolutely been worth paying full price for.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:15 PM on September 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


All this was in ONE day?
It was a shitty day. I would acknowledge that and try to pour on some hug and TLC.

Or is this happening every day? If so, then I think Eybrows has some great information.
posted by SLC Mom at 4:58 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm not a parent, but I sure remember being where your son is and this sounds SO normal. Sure, each thing is little, but it's overwhelming all at once especially with all the new school year stuff and hormones and literal growing pains and OMG, I so wish the adults in my life had been as sympathetic as it sounds like you were. You didn't laugh at him or belittle him or treat him like a freak. Others know better about how to move forward; I just wanted to reassure you about today.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:35 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've got an 11-year-old boy as well, and I don't think his frustration and upset sounds worrying. A lot of small frustrations can add up to a meltdown, and tweens are a torrent of Feelings.

I'd also add that, given that it's a new school year, is it possible his sleep schedule is adjusting to the earlier wake-up time? Even a little sleep deprivation can add up and throw off even the most well-developed kid's emotional resiliency.

Keep in mind that it's a good thing that he can express his feelings to you, even if they're dismaying to hear. You feel safe to him, and that's great. All you have to do, really, is listen and be there for him, and it sounds like you're doing that, which is stellar. Go easy on yourself, and take care.
posted by brooklynlady at 6:45 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm a grown woman and I nearly fell apart when someone messed up my order the other day and I didn't get the sandwich I was counting on (I was also hungry and rushed and stressed).

When you can't think of the "right" thing to say, you can listen and show your concern and love.
posted by bunderful at 6:55 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have a seven-year-old girl with anxiety issues (that runs in her mom's family). I bought and read Freeing Your Child From Anxiety and it has been a godsend. Truly amazing. She has learned some great coping strategies and is a much happier and more confident kid for it. I really cannot recommend that book enough. It will tell you exactly what to do and say to help your son. You can be his emotional coach. He needs one right now.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:21 PM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


How's his sleep? Kids need so freaking much sleep. If he isn't getting enough (and you're not getting enough?) that makes everything that much harder.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:29 PM on September 16, 2013


I got stressed out just reading that list of things. An 11 year old with that much stuff to do is probably overwhelmed. And if he is the kind of kid who keys off of your emotions, your stress level probably isn't helping any.

My guess is that he wasn't all that upset about any one of those things, he just had a really bad day and each subsequent thing served to reinforce that.

Also, teach him about making checklists. Every day, he makes a list of things he has to do, and you then need to help him work through the items. It may take a long time and a lot of encouragement to keep him in the habit of making lists, but it will help him immensely.

I say I'm sorry and that's too bad and there's always next time. About the brownie I said that it is not that huge of a deal, just one brownie.

As a former crybaby, emotional preteen, I can tell you that rational answers are not helpful. If I'm pissed off about the brownie, having someone tell me it's no big deal would just ramp up my upset. Tell me to go to my room and come back when I've calmed down? Sure. But trying to reason with a kid having a tantrum just makes things worse.
posted by gjc at 8:11 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


As another parent of an 11 year old, I would vote for normal. Hormones, new school year, it's a lot to deal with and even 11 year olds that look pretty calm and rational most of the time don't have the skills yet to manage a lot of strong emotions and frustration. They need some space to vent.
posted by crocomancer at 1:49 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


Absolutely agree with what crocomancer just said. In fact I was just coming in to say the same thing. My son is 11 (turning 12 later this month) and he's over-reacting all over the shop and feeling like shit about it afterwards.

Hug him when he needs it, sympathise when he needs it and tell him that it's awful when everything bad happens in a day but assure him that tomorrow is a new start.

He just needs you to listen to him and reassure him that a shit day doesn't mean tomorrow will be shit too.
posted by h00py at 6:04 AM on September 17, 2013


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