Meet the Parents
September 16, 2013 9:11 AM Subscribe
My parents are terrible house guests. How do I make it better? Snowflakes inside.
My parents are terrible house guests. They are simply, objectively awful. I will attempt to illustrate with this narrative of their most recent visit:
Upon arrival, I ask what they are most excited to see (I just moved to a different country in a fairly large city). My dad relies: "We didn't do any research. This is your city. You are the tour guide." He repeats this (with gusto) many, many times during the trip. When I lose my cool and tell him I could do lots of work instead of just showing them around, he laughs like I am Groucho Marx.
They awake every morning with no plan and expect me to make all the decisions. ALL OF THEM. I have to take two weeks off of work to chauffeur them around. I have to explain every sight, as they did not do any work. They will not take a train, a taxi, or walk anywhere on their own, even though these things are easy to do. They do not offer any suggestions for dinner, sightseeing, activities, etc. When I ask what they'd like to do, they shrug and say "whatever." For everything. Lunch. Dinner. Activities. If they want a cup of tea. All of them. I have, for the past three weeks, made every SINGLE decision.
An example: today I had to work. I was woefully unprepared because I wasn't able to get anything done because my parents needed me to be with them every moment of the previous 20 days. I'm exhausted and tired, ready to just sit for an hour. But I sent them on the train (I had to drop them at the station, find out the times, buy the tickets and give them money for the fare) to downtown, with the expectation that I would pick them up to go see another sight. After my long day at work, I call my mother and tell her the sight we were going to go to had closed early. I ask if she wants to stay in the city, finish her sightseeing and then take the train home. She tells me that I can pick them up and they will meet me in 30 minutes.
One day I asked them to organize their own entertainment as I had to work. I left home at 9 and came home at 5 to find they had never left. They both acted mad at me the rest of the night and the next day because they "lost" a day of their vacation. We live near a train station, by a taxi rank and they could have taken our car. I gave them several guidebooks, some maps and I even gave them money.
To "pay me back" for my work over the past three weeks (I also organized an 8-day safari in four different countries without any input from them), they bought me dinner on two nights and my mom swept the kitchen floor one day.
They have visited me at my home in US before and it is the same story. They expect me to drop everything and entertain them (let me clarify that "entertain" in the US is more along the lines of "spend massive amounts of time chatting with them"). My brother experiences the same thing: my parents complain that they don't see their grandchildren enough (my brother's children), but won't visit my brother's house unless he clears his whole schedule to be at home while they are there.
If they have job, then they are great -- they helped me move in January and were fantastic. When they just come to "visit," they become these horrible succubi who won't decide anything and expect me to figure everything out for them.
I love my parents and I know I'm lucky they want to visit me. But I can't possibly have them over again when this is the case. To make matters worse, I'm expecting a baby in March and I can't imagine how to deal with this with a newborn and a job, and I know they will want to come visit when the baby is born. Another example: when my brother graduated from grad school, he lived in a tiny two bedroom apt with his wife and a newborn. My parents refused to come unless they could stay at his house, but then while they were there, they did not help out, did not take the baby so he could relax or go out, did not do laundry, did not cook, did not decide what to do, did not go out on their own.
To add to the mix, talking seriously to my parents about anything is impossible. My mom is defensive and refuses to see that her decisions affect others and my dad is passive-aggressive and will go on sprees of not talking to people and acting butt-hurt if he doesn't like what you have to say.
I don't want some sort of payment. I want them to make decisions and I want them to figure shit out on their own and I want to be able to have my life instead of putting it on hold for them when they are here.
TL;DR: What can I do with parents who are completely dependent on me when they visit my home? In what ways can I either encourage their independence or make it clear that I'm not a tour guide? Is there some sort of script I can follow?
My parents are terrible house guests. They are simply, objectively awful. I will attempt to illustrate with this narrative of their most recent visit:
Upon arrival, I ask what they are most excited to see (I just moved to a different country in a fairly large city). My dad relies: "We didn't do any research. This is your city. You are the tour guide." He repeats this (with gusto) many, many times during the trip. When I lose my cool and tell him I could do lots of work instead of just showing them around, he laughs like I am Groucho Marx.
They awake every morning with no plan and expect me to make all the decisions. ALL OF THEM. I have to take two weeks off of work to chauffeur them around. I have to explain every sight, as they did not do any work. They will not take a train, a taxi, or walk anywhere on their own, even though these things are easy to do. They do not offer any suggestions for dinner, sightseeing, activities, etc. When I ask what they'd like to do, they shrug and say "whatever." For everything. Lunch. Dinner. Activities. If they want a cup of tea. All of them. I have, for the past three weeks, made every SINGLE decision.
An example: today I had to work. I was woefully unprepared because I wasn't able to get anything done because my parents needed me to be with them every moment of the previous 20 days. I'm exhausted and tired, ready to just sit for an hour. But I sent them on the train (I had to drop them at the station, find out the times, buy the tickets and give them money for the fare) to downtown, with the expectation that I would pick them up to go see another sight. After my long day at work, I call my mother and tell her the sight we were going to go to had closed early. I ask if she wants to stay in the city, finish her sightseeing and then take the train home. She tells me that I can pick them up and they will meet me in 30 minutes.
One day I asked them to organize their own entertainment as I had to work. I left home at 9 and came home at 5 to find they had never left. They both acted mad at me the rest of the night and the next day because they "lost" a day of their vacation. We live near a train station, by a taxi rank and they could have taken our car. I gave them several guidebooks, some maps and I even gave them money.
To "pay me back" for my work over the past three weeks (I also organized an 8-day safari in four different countries without any input from them), they bought me dinner on two nights and my mom swept the kitchen floor one day.
They have visited me at my home in US before and it is the same story. They expect me to drop everything and entertain them (let me clarify that "entertain" in the US is more along the lines of "spend massive amounts of time chatting with them"). My brother experiences the same thing: my parents complain that they don't see their grandchildren enough (my brother's children), but won't visit my brother's house unless he clears his whole schedule to be at home while they are there.
If they have job, then they are great -- they helped me move in January and were fantastic. When they just come to "visit," they become these horrible succubi who won't decide anything and expect me to figure everything out for them.
I love my parents and I know I'm lucky they want to visit me. But I can't possibly have them over again when this is the case. To make matters worse, I'm expecting a baby in March and I can't imagine how to deal with this with a newborn and a job, and I know they will want to come visit when the baby is born. Another example: when my brother graduated from grad school, he lived in a tiny two bedroom apt with his wife and a newborn. My parents refused to come unless they could stay at his house, but then while they were there, they did not help out, did not take the baby so he could relax or go out, did not do laundry, did not cook, did not decide what to do, did not go out on their own.
To add to the mix, talking seriously to my parents about anything is impossible. My mom is defensive and refuses to see that her decisions affect others and my dad is passive-aggressive and will go on sprees of not talking to people and acting butt-hurt if he doesn't like what you have to say.
I don't want some sort of payment. I want them to make decisions and I want them to figure shit out on their own and I want to be able to have my life instead of putting it on hold for them when they are here.
TL;DR: What can I do with parents who are completely dependent on me when they visit my home? In what ways can I either encourage their independence or make it clear that I'm not a tour guide? Is there some sort of script I can follow?
Could you possibly put them onto a seniors-oriented all-inclusive bus tour? Something that lasts 4-5 days, and includes all planning for places to stay or see or where to eat. Like a tour of Great Homes of Britain, the wine regions of France, or Great Churches of Rome..... something, in other words, to get them out of your hair for a couple days mid-vacation, to give you a small breather.
posted by easily confused at 9:22 AM on September 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 9:22 AM on September 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
The feeling I'm getting from reading this is that while your parents may be slightly clueless, the main point of friction here is that you and your parents have different expectations from their visits. You think your parents are there to see the sights, but I get the impression that they don't give a fig about seeing the sights. The reason they come to visit is to spend time with *you*.
As someone who is both a daughter, and the parent of a grown child, I can say that I think this is actually fairly common. My mom just wants to sit at the table and talk for days, while I want to go do things. But when I see my daughter, I'd be perfectly happy to just talk to her, without doing anything special.
That said, it does sound like your parents are being pretty immature. Try to dissociate yourself from the situation mentally, and see if you can have an adult conversation with them about their expectations and yours.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:26 AM on September 16, 2013 [21 favorites]
As someone who is both a daughter, and the parent of a grown child, I can say that I think this is actually fairly common. My mom just wants to sit at the table and talk for days, while I want to go do things. But when I see my daughter, I'd be perfectly happy to just talk to her, without doing anything special.
That said, it does sound like your parents are being pretty immature. Try to dissociate yourself from the situation mentally, and see if you can have an adult conversation with them about their expectations and yours.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:26 AM on September 16, 2013 [21 favorites]
You can set boundaries. Decide what will work for you ahead of time, then communicate that to your parents. You don't have to take time off work, you can spend time being a tour guide on the weekends. You don't have to let your parents stay in your house, especially once you have a baby. But realize that your parents aren't going to change, and it's hard work to enforce your boundaries and let your parents sit at home every day if that's what they choose to do.
posted by medusa at 9:26 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by medusa at 9:26 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
My opinion is that it's time to tell them you can't do visits the way you always have anymore. I'm not suggesting a serious conversation in which you hope to resolve long-standing problems and change your parents' behavior; that's probably not going to happen. You aren't going to change their behavior, so my advice would be to stop participating in it. If you are going to do that, it won't be easy. I would start by letting them know that you are not capable of being their full time tour guide during their visit. Tell them you are happy they're coming, and you'd love to spend time with them while they are here, but you'll be working and they will have to amuse themselves for the majority of the time. Tell them the days you'll be able to take off work and plan something for those days, but the rest of the time, just don't cater to it.
It might force them to plan activities for themselves; or it might make for a horribly uncomfortable visit. I'm betting on the latter. But I respectfully suggest that you put your foot down and do this now before your baby is born (and congratulations!)
I guess what I'm saying is essentially what EC did above (I've been typing for a while); you decide your parameters and stick to them; you need to tell them how it's going to be, not ask them for what you'd like to happen. I think what you're getting stuck on is that your parents are going to be mad, and you want to find a way to do this without that result. From what you've said it doesn't sound like that is possible. Let them get butt-hurt; it is what it is, and you can't change that. What you can change is how it affects you, and I think you'll feel better about all of it if you set boundaries and stick to them.
posted by jennaratrix at 9:28 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
It might force them to plan activities for themselves; or it might make for a horribly uncomfortable visit. I'm betting on the latter. But I respectfully suggest that you put your foot down and do this now before your baby is born (and congratulations!)
I guess what I'm saying is essentially what EC did above (I've been typing for a while); you decide your parameters and stick to them; you need to tell them how it's going to be, not ask them for what you'd like to happen. I think what you're getting stuck on is that your parents are going to be mad, and you want to find a way to do this without that result. From what you've said it doesn't sound like that is possible. Let them get butt-hurt; it is what it is, and you can't change that. What you can change is how it affects you, and I think you'll feel better about all of it if you set boundaries and stick to them.
posted by jennaratrix at 9:28 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
You're asking for three things here. You want to modify your behavior (by not organizing every second of every one of their visits). You want them to modify their behavior (by planning activities on their own). And you want them not to be mad at you or complain to you.
You can have one of those things: the first one. The other two are entirely outside of your control. But you're in charge of your own behavior. And so you have to decide whether you're willing to let them stop visiting you, or sit in your house alone for two straight weeks and sulk, or complain to everyone who will listen that you're a terrible daughter.
Based on you describing it as them visiting you in the US, it sounds as though your parents, maybe your whole family, are from some other country. So there may be some cultural issues here that might affect your parents expectations of you and your feelings about what you owe to them in ways that are different from the (western- or American-centric) views of many of the answers you're going to get. It may be that you'll decide that the advice to let your parents suffer the consequences of their own behavior isn't right for your family. And that's your right, and we can't tell you that you're wrong for deciding that. But understand that it's a choice you're making, to put your parents' feelings over your own.
You can't control other people's behavior or their feelings. You can't make your parents feel comfortable planning their own activities in a foreign city, nor can you make them stop expecting you to plan for them. You can't make your dad stop being passive aggressive, and you can't make your mom stop being defensive, and you can't make them stop being mad at you when you behave in ways they think are wrong or bad or disrespectful or whatever. You have to decide which one you hate more: catering to their demands, or having them upset with you. And it's awful and unfair that you have to make that choice, but you do, because you can't change other people who don't want to change.
posted by decathecting at 9:32 AM on September 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
You can have one of those things: the first one. The other two are entirely outside of your control. But you're in charge of your own behavior. And so you have to decide whether you're willing to let them stop visiting you, or sit in your house alone for two straight weeks and sulk, or complain to everyone who will listen that you're a terrible daughter.
Based on you describing it as them visiting you in the US, it sounds as though your parents, maybe your whole family, are from some other country. So there may be some cultural issues here that might affect your parents expectations of you and your feelings about what you owe to them in ways that are different from the (western- or American-centric) views of many of the answers you're going to get. It may be that you'll decide that the advice to let your parents suffer the consequences of their own behavior isn't right for your family. And that's your right, and we can't tell you that you're wrong for deciding that. But understand that it's a choice you're making, to put your parents' feelings over your own.
You can't control other people's behavior or their feelings. You can't make your parents feel comfortable planning their own activities in a foreign city, nor can you make them stop expecting you to plan for them. You can't make your dad stop being passive aggressive, and you can't make your mom stop being defensive, and you can't make them stop being mad at you when you behave in ways they think are wrong or bad or disrespectful or whatever. You have to decide which one you hate more: catering to their demands, or having them upset with you. And it's awful and unfair that you have to make that choice, but you do, because you can't change other people who don't want to change.
posted by decathecting at 9:32 AM on September 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
I agree with everyone that you're just going to have to tell them that things are going to be different from now on, but there are a few things that jump out at me:
1. Let them know you cannot take time off work during the week. You're simply unavailable until 6 pm. What they choose to do during the rest of their time is up to them.
2. Next time they want to visit, see (1), and then if they still want to come, hook them up with a local travel agent, if there is one where you live. Planning trips is a learned skill - people who've never done it will find it overwhelming. Very possibly your parents are too old to pick it up. But a professional could do it for them, for a fee.
My feeling on grandparent visits is that they can only come for more than one day if they're helping. Otherwise who needs it? YMMV.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:45 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. Let them know you cannot take time off work during the week. You're simply unavailable until 6 pm. What they choose to do during the rest of their time is up to them.
2. Next time they want to visit, see (1), and then if they still want to come, hook them up with a local travel agent, if there is one where you live. Planning trips is a learned skill - people who've never done it will find it overwhelming. Very possibly your parents are too old to pick it up. But a professional could do it for them, for a fee.
My feeling on grandparent visits is that they can only come for more than one day if they're helping. Otherwise who needs it? YMMV.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:45 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hooboy. My mom is similar, except she does want to go out and do things, and she wants me to plan them. Sitting at my home and talking is not enough. We had this conversation earlier this year:
Mom: I never see you anymore! Why don't I come down to [my city] to visit one weekend this summer? But I don't want to do any of the (Mom-appropriate) activities or sight-seeing you've planned for us in the past. Why don't you find something new for us to do?
Me: Mom, I would be happy to see you and host you if you come to [my city], but I've exhausted my tour-guide skills for this area. Why don't you do some research on things you'd like to do down here, and I'll join you as my schedule permits?
Mom: ...
Me: ...
And the result has been no weekend visit from my mom, but increasing requests for me to come see her, where we will mainly sit around her house and chat. This is an acceptable outcome for me. This script can be easily modified for your situation.
Dad and Mom mrfuga0: We'd like to come visit on X dates. Clear your calendar. (previous poor behavior implied)
mrfuga0: Dad and Mom, I'd love to see you, but I cannot clear my schedule during your visit or entertain you 24/7. Why don't you find some things you'd like to visit in my area besides me, and I will join you in visiting them for [however many days you can spare]. Other than those days, I'll see you before and after work.
You need to set firm and clear expectation on how future visits will go. Then let them decide whether that's the kind of visit they had in mind.
posted by donajo at 9:51 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Mom: I never see you anymore! Why don't I come down to [my city] to visit one weekend this summer? But I don't want to do any of the (Mom-appropriate) activities or sight-seeing you've planned for us in the past. Why don't you find something new for us to do?
Me: Mom, I would be happy to see you and host you if you come to [my city], but I've exhausted my tour-guide skills for this area. Why don't you do some research on things you'd like to do down here, and I'll join you as my schedule permits?
Mom: ...
Me: ...
And the result has been no weekend visit from my mom, but increasing requests for me to come see her, where we will mainly sit around her house and chat. This is an acceptable outcome for me. This script can be easily modified for your situation.
Dad and Mom mrfuga0: We'd like to come visit on X dates. Clear your calendar. (previous poor behavior implied)
mrfuga0: Dad and Mom, I'd love to see you, but I cannot clear my schedule during your visit or entertain you 24/7. Why don't you find some things you'd like to visit in my area besides me, and I will join you in visiting them for [however many days you can spare]. Other than those days, I'll see you before and after work.
You need to set firm and clear expectation on how future visits will go. Then let them decide whether that's the kind of visit they had in mind.
posted by donajo at 9:51 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Mom, Dad, I love you, but your visits are driving me up the wall and it's making me miserable. I don't like being a tour guide. What would you like to do while you're here? I want I spend time with you but I also need time to myself so I can take care of my needs and that of the baby's. Can we set expectations now so I'm not stressing about this anymore?"
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:52 AM on September 16, 2013
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:52 AM on September 16, 2013
I don't know, this sounds pretty much like both my mom and my in-laws, and to be honest it never occurred to me that it could be otherwise. I think their expectation is that they show up and we spend a lot of time doing things together, or doing nothing together. From their point of view, why would they do research about what to do when I live here and already know what there is to do? And anyway they don't want to do anything without us, as the whole point is to wring every possible moment of togetherness out of the visit even if it kills us. I think you just have to draw the lines where you need to in order to get your work done and keep your household functioning, but to me this sounds like normal parent behavior. My mom just came to visit, which she does once a year, and I left for two days to participate in an important competition I'd had scheduled for months. She knew ahead of time I was planning to go, I invited her to come but she declined, my husband kept her entertained the whole time, but still she was put out about it. I think it's normal and okay, though. Everything doesn't have to be perfect.
posted by HotToddy at 10:00 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 10:00 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
This is my family! The only thing I have found to work is
a) short visits, like 4-5 days maximum
b) visiting them, which goes much more smoothly
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:21 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
a) short visits, like 4-5 days maximum
b) visiting them, which goes much more smoothly
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:21 AM on September 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
yep -- seems like they're not visiting to see your city; they're visiting to see you.
posted by changeling at 11:06 AM on September 16, 2013
posted by changeling at 11:06 AM on September 16, 2013
"Looks like I can't take any more time off work. But the good thing is you've been here before, and we can brainstorm a list of things you might want to do while you're here. Alternately I can recommend a good tour guide (or college student to act as such) and y'all can try that out. Then we can have some nice dinners and maybe do something on the weekend, depending on all of our energy levels."
Why in the world would you actually take off 2-3 weeks to play tour guide, if you don't want to, and can't really afford to? Set your boundaries, don't be passive aggressive about it.
posted by barnone at 11:57 AM on September 16, 2013
Why in the world would you actually take off 2-3 weeks to play tour guide, if you don't want to, and can't really afford to? Set your boundaries, don't be passive aggressive about it.
posted by barnone at 11:57 AM on September 16, 2013
yep -- seems like they're not visiting to see your city; they're visiting to see you.
That really doesn't excuse not helping to clean up, or not buying or making meals (especially when visiting parents with young children.)
Your parents are being a complete burden. In my world their behavior is rude on multiple levels. If it was my family, I would just tell them that right out and weather the hurt feelings.
"You can come visit, but you can only stay at my house for X days, and I'm only taking X days off work to spend with you."
"You can come visit, but you can't stay with me because I have my hands full with the new baby, and I will not have time to take you sight-seeing. If you want to cook and grocery shop to help me out, however, that would be appreciated."
What would be the terrible consequences you can't face of just telling your parents your boundaries?
posted by Squeak Attack at 12:29 PM on September 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
That really doesn't excuse not helping to clean up, or not buying or making meals (especially when visiting parents with young children.)
Your parents are being a complete burden. In my world their behavior is rude on multiple levels. If it was my family, I would just tell them that right out and weather the hurt feelings.
"You can come visit, but you can only stay at my house for X days, and I'm only taking X days off work to spend with you."
"You can come visit, but you can't stay with me because I have my hands full with the new baby, and I will not have time to take you sight-seeing. If you want to cook and grocery shop to help me out, however, that would be appreciated."
What would be the terrible consequences you can't face of just telling your parents your boundaries?
posted by Squeak Attack at 12:29 PM on September 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
1. When they do visit, do any planning in advance, with all the info needed. Give it to them. Go to work. They simply aren't going to change who they are, but you don't have to accompany them everywhere.
2. Stop giving them the choice of making life miserable. Mom & Dad, I can only get 3 days off. How about you limit your visit to a week? The next itinerary destination closed early? Text them to inform them, and give them the bus/train info to get home.
3. When they come to visit when you have the baby, put them to work. Start now, every time they talk about coming to see the baby, say It will be so nice to have help with the house and cooking. and also prep them to only stay 1 week.
4. If they act cranky, tough. 2 or 3 weeks is far too long to entertain other people. Most cities have sample itineraries, if not, the visitors bureau can probably help.
5. Or, take them with you to things you enjoy. That way, at least you got to go see stuff you wanted to see.
posted by theora55 at 1:39 PM on September 16, 2013
2. Stop giving them the choice of making life miserable. Mom & Dad, I can only get 3 days off. How about you limit your visit to a week? The next itinerary destination closed early? Text them to inform them, and give them the bus/train info to get home.
3. When they come to visit when you have the baby, put them to work. Start now, every time they talk about coming to see the baby, say It will be so nice to have help with the house and cooking. and also prep them to only stay 1 week.
4. If they act cranky, tough. 2 or 3 weeks is far too long to entertain other people. Most cities have sample itineraries, if not, the visitors bureau can probably help.
5. Or, take them with you to things you enjoy. That way, at least you got to go see stuff you wanted to see.
posted by theora55 at 1:39 PM on September 16, 2013
It would be pretty blunt to remind them that house guests, like fish, tend to smell after three days. After three weeks - yes, the condition you find yourself in is a real stinking reality. Setting limits as described above is probably the best way to handle subsequent visits. The idea that they just want to spend time with you may be the key. They seem unaware that you have obligations. Perhaps you can prepare them that you can't neglect your livelihood for extended periods, but you will reserve Thursday, and Friday, and the weekend for them. Good luck.
posted by Cranberry at 2:21 PM on September 16, 2013
posted by Cranberry at 2:21 PM on September 16, 2013
My parents are pretty good about getting out and doing and having an idea of what they want to do in different places.
However, they are slow moving and it makes me insane. One thing I do now is that I work in the morning and get off at around 1 for lunch with my parents and 'one thing.'
So they have all morning to do whatever it is that they do in a housecoat and slippers, and I'm at work keeping up with stuff. The afternoon is for the 'rents.
Now, I wouldn't cater to your parents. If they assert that you are their tour-guide, disabuse them of this erroneous conclusion as soon as they get off the plane.
You: Oh gosh! No. Here's a guide book, go through there and see what's interesting to you. Here's a transit map for you to use.
I find that it's helpful to have some ideas for meals in mind.
You: I'll cook dinner here Monday through Thursday, we usually go to a little bistro in the neighborhood on Fridays. Do you have any special places you want to eat while you're here? You might want to check to see if they require reservations.
For your next visit, be upfront about what you expect.
You: I'd love to see you, but I can't be your tour-guide. I am swamped at work. I'll see about going to half-days if I can. Meanwhile, here's a great website to help you figure out some neat sites to see. Also, a friend of mine recommended this tour company for day trips. It'll be great to have evening meals together and catch up after our busy days.
If this doesn't appeal, YOU can act butt-hurt about it.
Seriously though, you can't make them happy, so don't drive yourself nuts behind it.
If they refuse to make decisions, make the decisions you would have made had they not been visiting.
You: Oh? No ideas for dinner? That's cool. Buttered spaghetti it is then!
Trust me, if they honestly don't like it, they can order out for a pizza.
Learn to be firm about what you will and won't stand for. Don't let guilt run your life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:23 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
However, they are slow moving and it makes me insane. One thing I do now is that I work in the morning and get off at around 1 for lunch with my parents and 'one thing.'
So they have all morning to do whatever it is that they do in a housecoat and slippers, and I'm at work keeping up with stuff. The afternoon is for the 'rents.
Now, I wouldn't cater to your parents. If they assert that you are their tour-guide, disabuse them of this erroneous conclusion as soon as they get off the plane.
You: Oh gosh! No. Here's a guide book, go through there and see what's interesting to you. Here's a transit map for you to use.
I find that it's helpful to have some ideas for meals in mind.
You: I'll cook dinner here Monday through Thursday, we usually go to a little bistro in the neighborhood on Fridays. Do you have any special places you want to eat while you're here? You might want to check to see if they require reservations.
For your next visit, be upfront about what you expect.
You: I'd love to see you, but I can't be your tour-guide. I am swamped at work. I'll see about going to half-days if I can. Meanwhile, here's a great website to help you figure out some neat sites to see. Also, a friend of mine recommended this tour company for day trips. It'll be great to have evening meals together and catch up after our busy days.
If this doesn't appeal, YOU can act butt-hurt about it.
Seriously though, you can't make them happy, so don't drive yourself nuts behind it.
If they refuse to make decisions, make the decisions you would have made had they not been visiting.
You: Oh? No ideas for dinner? That's cool. Buttered spaghetti it is then!
Trust me, if they honestly don't like it, they can order out for a pizza.
Learn to be firm about what you will and won't stand for. Don't let guilt run your life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:23 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have this too, to an extent, and I almost went nuts the first week after my baby was born because I was playing mommy to both a newborn and my mother who was there to "help." At the time I would have felt like a huge asshole for suggesting she stay in a hotel and rent a car so she could have some autonomy (read: get out of my hair), but in retrospect we both would have been SO much happier and enjoyed our time together so much more if she had.
Moral: have the uncomfortable conversation up front and set expectations early that they will need to plan some activities for themselves (and stay in a hotel, get their own car, etc) if they are going to visit you. Create and share an agenda with them that describes specifically which days you'll be able to do family things with them. Unless they are really out of touch, they should understand that adults (and especially parents) have responsibilities to attend to before entertaining guests.
posted by annekate at 4:23 PM on September 16, 2013
Moral: have the uncomfortable conversation up front and set expectations early that they will need to plan some activities for themselves (and stay in a hotel, get their own car, etc) if they are going to visit you. Create and share an agenda with them that describes specifically which days you'll be able to do family things with them. Unless they are really out of touch, they should understand that adults (and especially parents) have responsibilities to attend to before entertaining guests.
posted by annekate at 4:23 PM on September 16, 2013
>> > I have to take two weeks off of work to chauffeur them around. I have to explain every sight, as they did not do any work.
Actually you DIDN'T have to do any of these things. You CHOSE to do them, placing your parents' comfort above your own. That may be a reasonable choice in some situations, but if it doesn't make you happy, you need to change what _you_ are doing.
Having a baby is the perfect opportunity to say things need to change. And taking two weeks off for your parents is insane, if you cannot afford it.
What you need to do is _not_ easy, but it is simple: start sticking up for yourself, and stop letting them treat you in ways that make you uncomfortable. They clearly want you in their life and surely they will want to see Baby, too, so they can and will have to get on board.
Once the baby is here, I am guessing it will be easier for you to stick up for the baby, which secondarily will allow you to stick up for yourself. It was a lot easier for me to draw boundaries once I had a baby to deal with. That was a real emergency, in a sense, someone who really truly needed me. Puts a lot in perspective.
posted by ravioli at 5:56 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Actually you DIDN'T have to do any of these things. You CHOSE to do them, placing your parents' comfort above your own. That may be a reasonable choice in some situations, but if it doesn't make you happy, you need to change what _you_ are doing.
Having a baby is the perfect opportunity to say things need to change. And taking two weeks off for your parents is insane, if you cannot afford it.
What you need to do is _not_ easy, but it is simple: start sticking up for yourself, and stop letting them treat you in ways that make you uncomfortable. They clearly want you in their life and surely they will want to see Baby, too, so they can and will have to get on board.
Once the baby is here, I am guessing it will be easier for you to stick up for the baby, which secondarily will allow you to stick up for yourself. It was a lot easier for me to draw boundaries once I had a baby to deal with. That was a real emergency, in a sense, someone who really truly needed me. Puts a lot in perspective.
posted by ravioli at 5:56 PM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have relatives who are a less acute version of this, so I feel your pain.
So much good stuff here, all I have to add is...
They like the comfy life. It's nice for them to have everything just how they want, with you waiting on them hand and foot. They aren't going to change easily, as they don't see a problem.
And when you don't get much time together, of course you want to accommodate them and make them happy.
It sounds like they are not used to thinking about things from another person's perspective and this often doesn't improve as people grow older and set in their own ways
They aren't going be happy to give up having these visits entirely their own way, and being their vacation with free accommodation and tour guide, but they'll get used to it.
You have a great opportunity to change the setup at this point, with the arrival of the baby. Don't make your brother's mistake - set the expectations before they visit. I would probably start laying the groundwork at this point, emphasise that this is going to be the last time you can be with them non-stop. If you have them over again before the arrival of the baby, start training them in how to be useful - present it as things they can do that you'll really appreciate.
If they are great when given a job, give them one! Ask them to sort dinner - do you have a farmers market or similar that also doubles as a fun thing to do?
(Mine have tried all sorts to wiggle out of sorting dinner, the faked illness act is getting really old)
What else will be useful when the baby arrives? Can you do some dry runs so they know where the park is etc? Make it clear what you'd like them to do, and how amazingly useful this will be. Good luck!
posted by tardigrade at 4:02 PM on September 17, 2013
So much good stuff here, all I have to add is...
They like the comfy life. It's nice for them to have everything just how they want, with you waiting on them hand and foot. They aren't going to change easily, as they don't see a problem.
And when you don't get much time together, of course you want to accommodate them and make them happy.
It sounds like they are not used to thinking about things from another person's perspective and this often doesn't improve as people grow older and set in their own ways
They aren't going be happy to give up having these visits entirely their own way, and being their vacation with free accommodation and tour guide, but they'll get used to it.
You have a great opportunity to change the setup at this point, with the arrival of the baby. Don't make your brother's mistake - set the expectations before they visit. I would probably start laying the groundwork at this point, emphasise that this is going to be the last time you can be with them non-stop. If you have them over again before the arrival of the baby, start training them in how to be useful - present it as things they can do that you'll really appreciate.
If they are great when given a job, give them one! Ask them to sort dinner - do you have a farmers market or similar that also doubles as a fun thing to do?
(Mine have tried all sorts to wiggle out of sorting dinner, the faked illness act is getting really old)
What else will be useful when the baby arrives? Can you do some dry runs so they know where the park is etc? Make it clear what you'd like them to do, and how amazingly useful this will be. Good luck!
posted by tardigrade at 4:02 PM on September 17, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
"Hi guys - I'd love to see you, but I just won't be able to put you up in my house any more what with the baby and all...I can give you links to hotels, and when you get here let's figure out when we can do lunch or something. Thanks."
[if they get cranky about the above]
"I'm really sorry you feel that way, but this is unfortunately what I have to do to save energy for my job and the baby."
[if they continue to be cranky]
"Look, I said this is what I have to do. If you have questions about whether a given hotel you've found is good or not, please ask, but otherwise let's talk about something else."
[if they keep getting more cranky]
"Listen, I made my position clear. If you keep trying to pressure me I'm going to end this conversation."
[if they do pressure you]
"Okay, I'll talk to you later. Love you, bye."
[if they give you the silent treatment]
Tell yourself they're just really busy too and let 'em stew.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:21 AM on September 16, 2013 [14 favorites]