Dealing with alcoholic mom ?
September 15, 2013 7:18 PM Subscribe
Hi.
My mom really lives far away- when I am talking far away I am saying in Europe and she comes to visit twice a year in us. I love her, she is my mom but she is an alcoholic. This hurts me extremely hard because I wish I could fix her but I don't know how. So it hurts me when she drinks very high amounts of vodka. Today it was the apogee. She drank and then she started cursing me.
I don't know how to deal with this. I know I am not in charge of anyone else's happiness that myself. I know I can't fix her but I am trying. I am codependent. I grew up with her being drunk all the time and I am sometimes codependent and clingy in my relationships. Do you think that has something to do with why I am clingy and needy with my bf?
What should I do? Please help me cause I am lost. Should I tell my bf about my mom? I am scared he might break up with me thinking that I am part of a bad family. I am only dating him for 4 months.
Please do your best to get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as humanly possible. It is a very helpful lifeline and you'll find that a lot of people there can relate to your situation, and also may have other helpful leads for you.
I'm so sorry, that must be terribly hard. You're right that you can't fix her - the best thing to do, for yourself but also for everyone in your life, is to learn some skills for understanding the situation and maintaining the healthy boundaries that you need. Good luck.
posted by Miko at 7:35 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry, that must be terribly hard. You're right that you can't fix her - the best thing to do, for yourself but also for everyone in your life, is to learn some skills for understanding the situation and maintaining the healthy boundaries that you need. Good luck.
posted by Miko at 7:35 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Growing up with alcoholic parents is emotionally damaging, and it does often give people difficulties in things like being insecure in relationships, or clingy and needy, as you put it.
Another typical issue is the belief that there is something you could do to fix your Mom's alcoholism. It is not the case that there is, or ever was, something you could do, if only you knew what it was, or how to do it. That would be true even if you lived in the same town with her, or the same house.
If you talk to the support groups mentioned above, I think you are going to find out that many people there have had exactly the same experiences. This is the best course of action - you will learn that your problems are in no way the result of your failings as a person or something like that, but are instead almost inevitable consequences of growing up with an alcoholic parent. You then can learn how to develop healthier emotional patterns and to try to mitigate the harm that this is causing you.
posted by thelonius at 7:38 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Another typical issue is the belief that there is something you could do to fix your Mom's alcoholism. It is not the case that there is, or ever was, something you could do, if only you knew what it was, or how to do it. That would be true even if you lived in the same town with her, or the same house.
If you talk to the support groups mentioned above, I think you are going to find out that many people there have had exactly the same experiences. This is the best course of action - you will learn that your problems are in no way the result of your failings as a person or something like that, but are instead almost inevitable consequences of growing up with an alcoholic parent. You then can learn how to develop healthier emotional patterns and to try to mitigate the harm that this is causing you.
posted by thelonius at 7:38 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hi, I agree with Halloween Jack. I swore that Al Anon was not for me, and I was ashamed that I had to go, but I went and was forever indebted to the change it brought into my life. I am also a big believer in telling the truth, but I would wait until you are in a place where you can trust him.
I think it's very possible that your clinginess has to do with your past. But I believe in the future.
I also would seriously consider cutting down the time you spend with her as well.
posted by pando11 at 7:39 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think it's very possible that your clinginess has to do with your past. But I believe in the future.
I also would seriously consider cutting down the time you spend with her as well.
posted by pando11 at 7:39 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's not the alcohol that you are battling - your Mom hurts for some reason. That's the thing you have to uncover. Tell her you love her, and ask her what the problem is. Keep asking. Tell you that no matter what, you are there for her. One day she will come clean and tell you... and only then will she be ready to ditch the sauce.
posted by brownrd at 8:47 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by brownrd at 8:47 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
You might not be ready to let people [and boyfriend] know about your Mom's behavior, but keep in mind that it is HER behavior/illness/addiction. You have nothing to be ashamed of...your Mom's alcoholism is a fact about her, it is not a reflection of you or even your family.
And when you are ready to tell people you might be very surprised to hear that many of them have this situation in their own families.
All due respect to brownrd, but in my experience, many alcoholics never "come clean and tell you" of their hurt, secrets, or shame. Al-Anon will help you deal with what you CAN deal with, and to hopefully come to some peace about what you cannot fix.
posted by calgirl at 8:57 PM on September 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
And when you are ready to tell people you might be very surprised to hear that many of them have this situation in their own families.
All due respect to brownrd, but in my experience, many alcoholics never "come clean and tell you" of their hurt, secrets, or shame. Al-Anon will help you deal with what you CAN deal with, and to hopefully come to some peace about what you cannot fix.
posted by calgirl at 8:57 PM on September 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
It Will Never Happen to Me is a book that will help you understand how growing up with an alcoholic mother might have impacted on you. Sometime it is easier to reach out when you see how many people share your experience. You will also see that some of the things that you don't like about yourself are really a coping tool that you developed as a child as natural response to a difficult situation. You will still want to change them but you don't have to be ashamed.
posted by metahawk at 10:04 PM on September 15, 2013
posted by metahawk at 10:04 PM on September 15, 2013
I have very little to add to the above excellent advice except:
1) limit your calls to your mom to the mornings when she's less likely to be drunk; and
2) if your boyfriend can't handle the fact that there is alcoholism in your family, you need a new boyfriend. You cannot hide this forever and you deserve to have someone who will give you emotional strength when you need it most.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:16 AM on September 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
1) limit your calls to your mom to the mornings when she's less likely to be drunk; and
2) if your boyfriend can't handle the fact that there is alcoholism in your family, you need a new boyfriend. You cannot hide this forever and you deserve to have someone who will give you emotional strength when you need it most.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:16 AM on September 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Alcoholism is very prevalent, and you may be helped to know how many other folks are going through very similar feelings as you. Al-Anon (it is like AA, but for the family and friends of Alcoholics instead of the Alcoholics themselves) will be helpful to connect with others. At times you may be speechless to realize how similar your situation is, and how many of the same problems that you have with your mom, other people have with their parents, siblings or partners.
In fact, it is entirely possible that your boyfriend has an alcoholic in his family too. He may or may not have a similar perspective on it as you. But give him the chance to be understanding and helpful. If he's not, better to know now, than drag it out too long.
Every family has issues.
posted by barnone at 12:25 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
In fact, it is entirely possible that your boyfriend has an alcoholic in his family too. He may or may not have a similar perspective on it as you. But give him the chance to be understanding and helpful. If he's not, better to know now, than drag it out too long.
Every family has issues.
posted by barnone at 12:25 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
If your boyfriend breaks up with you because your mother is an alcoholic... well, he's a pretty awful boyfriend, and you're better off finding that out sooner rather than later. Seriously, your mother's problem is nothing for YOU to be ashamed of.
I feel for you. When I was growing up, my father had a bad drinking problem. He was the kindest, most gentle alcoholic parent a kid could have, but he still drank too much and I worried about him and I didn't know what the heck to do about it. If your mother gets abusive when she's drunk, that's a whole other deal. That's awful, and it needs to stop. Either she stops herself from getting drunk and cursing you, or you let her know that you're not going to be around when she's drunk. She loses control and says crappy things, and you don't need to put up with that.
I'm not saying you need to have an angry confrontation with her about it, if you don't want to. But you do need to tell her that she says abusive things when she's drunk, and you won't be around for that.
As other people have said, ACA is a fine organization and could help you deal with this. I hope your mom gets the help she needs, too. Good luck.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:29 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I feel for you. When I was growing up, my father had a bad drinking problem. He was the kindest, most gentle alcoholic parent a kid could have, but he still drank too much and I worried about him and I didn't know what the heck to do about it. If your mother gets abusive when she's drunk, that's a whole other deal. That's awful, and it needs to stop. Either she stops herself from getting drunk and cursing you, or you let her know that you're not going to be around when she's drunk. She loses control and says crappy things, and you don't need to put up with that.
I'm not saying you need to have an angry confrontation with her about it, if you don't want to. But you do need to tell her that she says abusive things when she's drunk, and you won't be around for that.
As other people have said, ACA is a fine organization and could help you deal with this. I hope your mom gets the help she needs, too. Good luck.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:29 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am an alcoholic, I just haven't had a drink in 6 years. I blamed my drinking on many things, pain, sadness about past life events, sadness about how my life was while I was drinking.
The real reason I drank was because.. wait for it.. I'm an alcoholic.
I did not change until the pain got bad enough that I wanted to change. No one could change me except me.
1+ on al-anon. If you don't like the first group you go to, try another until you find one you like. I know it's hard to walk through that door into that first meeting, but it can be a life changer. I've got several friends that attend Al-anon, I've seen the difference.
posted by rudd135 at 4:44 AM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
The real reason I drank was because.. wait for it.. I'm an alcoholic.
I did not change until the pain got bad enough that I wanted to change. No one could change me except me.
1+ on al-anon. If you don't like the first group you go to, try another until you find one you like. I know it's hard to walk through that door into that first meeting, but it can be a life changer. I've got several friends that attend Al-anon, I've seen the difference.
posted by rudd135 at 4:44 AM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
You can't change her. NOTHING YOU DO will change her. You can't fix her. You can't make her stop drinking. You can't make her get help.
You have to make sure you are not enabling her- never give her money. Set boundaries- 'mom, it is not ok to call me while drunk." if she breaks your stated boundaries, then you have to enforce the consequences 'Since you chose to call me while drunk, I can not talk to you now. goodnight.' click! If she choses to drink while visiting, you can chose to not invite her back. She may chose to be an unsafe person for the rest of her life. You can NOT change this. You can just protect yourself. You are worth protecting.
Since you live in the USA, there are options for free/very cheap therapy. Like everybody has said, there are support groups specifically for your situation.
posted by Jacen at 5:50 AM on September 16, 2013
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
You can't change her. NOTHING YOU DO will change her. You can't fix her. You can't make her stop drinking. You can't make her get help.
You have to make sure you are not enabling her- never give her money. Set boundaries- 'mom, it is not ok to call me while drunk." if she breaks your stated boundaries, then you have to enforce the consequences 'Since you chose to call me while drunk, I can not talk to you now. goodnight.' click! If she choses to drink while visiting, you can chose to not invite her back. She may chose to be an unsafe person for the rest of her life. You can NOT change this. You can just protect yourself. You are worth protecting.
Since you live in the USA, there are options for free/very cheap therapy. Like everybody has said, there are support groups specifically for your situation.
posted by Jacen at 5:50 AM on September 16, 2013
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Just as others have said, you need to get to Al-Anon. Keep going until you find a meeting you like and hang in there with it.
You know you can't fix your Mom. You CAN draw boundaries that are appropriate for you.
1. Don't talk to your Mom when she's drunk.
2. If she becomes abusive, exit the situation.
3. Don't provide or serve her alcohol, or make it easy for her to get it.
4. Don't allow her to visit if she plans on drinking.
You can't love your Mom to death. And enabling her to drink is doing just that.
You will find fellowship and understanding at Al-Anon. Please go. You'll be given the tools to have an appropriate relationship with your Mom.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:25 AM on September 16, 2013
Just as others have said, you need to get to Al-Anon. Keep going until you find a meeting you like and hang in there with it.
You know you can't fix your Mom. You CAN draw boundaries that are appropriate for you.
1. Don't talk to your Mom when she's drunk.
2. If she becomes abusive, exit the situation.
3. Don't provide or serve her alcohol, or make it easy for her to get it.
4. Don't allow her to visit if she plans on drinking.
You can't love your Mom to death. And enabling her to drink is doing just that.
You will find fellowship and understanding at Al-Anon. Please go. You'll be given the tools to have an appropriate relationship with your Mom.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:25 AM on September 16, 2013
You might not be ready to let people [and boyfriend] know about your Mom's behavior, but keep in mind that it is HER behavior/illness/addiction. You have nothing to be ashamed of...your Mom's alcoholism is a fact about her, it is not a reflection of you or even your family.
Agree with this. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and there are a few sort of typical emotional responses to having an alcoholic parent that many people wind up with. Sometimes just understanding "Oh I am having this weird reaction because of the way I grew up and I can unlearn it" is helpful. You can read more about this at an Al-Anon or ACOA website and see if you think a meeting might be good for you. As far as coping, I think people have given you some decent advice already. Here is what worked with my parent.
- Refused to engage/interact when they were drinking. My sibling did not share this response but it worked for me. If I got a phone call from a drunken dad I would just say "I am not going to talk to you now, goodbye" and would not read or respond to drunken emails
- Maintained my same boundaries about personal interactions as I'd have with non-drunk people. While your mom may be an addict, it's still okay to set boundaries for her treatment of you. Her drinking and cursing at you? Not okay. Totally okay to tell her she can't stay with you next time she comes to visit because her behavior is unacceptable.
- Be kind to yourself, you can't fix this and it's usually not that useful to get into arguments with the alcoholic about it. If she decides to change, it will be on her own terms. You can remain a loving child while also setting up decent boundaries about how you get treated and what you will/will not deal with.
- Be mindful of your own issues. You can get therapy or read some decent self-help books about being codependent and you can be mindful of your own drinking and/or the drinking of those who are around you.
Everyone else has already given you good advice about the boyfriend. Best of luck.
posted by jessamyn at 6:27 AM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Agree with this. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and there are a few sort of typical emotional responses to having an alcoholic parent that many people wind up with. Sometimes just understanding "Oh I am having this weird reaction because of the way I grew up and I can unlearn it" is helpful. You can read more about this at an Al-Anon or ACOA website and see if you think a meeting might be good for you. As far as coping, I think people have given you some decent advice already. Here is what worked with my parent.
- Refused to engage/interact when they were drinking. My sibling did not share this response but it worked for me. If I got a phone call from a drunken dad I would just say "I am not going to talk to you now, goodbye" and would not read or respond to drunken emails
- Maintained my same boundaries about personal interactions as I'd have with non-drunk people. While your mom may be an addict, it's still okay to set boundaries for her treatment of you. Her drinking and cursing at you? Not okay. Totally okay to tell her she can't stay with you next time she comes to visit because her behavior is unacceptable.
- Be kind to yourself, you can't fix this and it's usually not that useful to get into arguments with the alcoholic about it. If she decides to change, it will be on her own terms. You can remain a loving child while also setting up decent boundaries about how you get treated and what you will/will not deal with.
- Be mindful of your own issues. You can get therapy or read some decent self-help books about being codependent and you can be mindful of your own drinking and/or the drinking of those who are around you.
Everyone else has already given you good advice about the boyfriend. Best of luck.
posted by jessamyn at 6:27 AM on September 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. As you can see from the responses you've gotten already, the number of us who have been there (or are still there) are legion. And as most of the folks here have said, there truly isn't anything you can do to control or cure your mom's alcoholism. There isn't. It SUCKS that things are like that, but they are and you cannot change it. I'm sorry.
On top of everything else that's already been written here, I wanted to comment on your note that your mom lives really far away from you. When this was the case with me and my alcoholic dad, I would sometimes get angry with myself for still being affected by him: we were no longer living in the same house and never really even had contact any more, so surely I should just be able to get over it and deal, right? Just in case you ever feel that way, I wanted to point out that the affects of growing up in an alcoholic household run deep and are long-lasting. The Adult Children of Alcoholics website even has a list of characteristics that a lot of ACOAs share - this isn't to say you have all of these characteristics (or that they're the only ones), but some of them might ring a bell for you. So yes, the codependence and clinginess you feel probably does have its roots in what you grew up with, and it's not going to just magically go away on its own even if you feel like it ought to. I found this book (Janet Woititz's Adult Children of Alcoholics) to be a helpful start when I was first wrestling with this issue as an adult.
I'm going to nth everyone else's suggestion that you go to an Al-Anon or ACOA meeting (I've found that Al-Anon meetings are often easier to find, ymmv). Even if you're not religious - I'm not - there is still value in going and you can certainly pick and choose the parts of their philosophy that work for you. Overall, though, I've found there to be tremendous value in being in a room of people who know what it's like to live with and love an alcoholic, and the premise of detachment with love was huge.
Again, I'm sorry you're going through this, but there are things you can do to take care of yourself. I hope you'll do them. Good luck.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:26 AM on September 16, 2013
On top of everything else that's already been written here, I wanted to comment on your note that your mom lives really far away from you. When this was the case with me and my alcoholic dad, I would sometimes get angry with myself for still being affected by him: we were no longer living in the same house and never really even had contact any more, so surely I should just be able to get over it and deal, right? Just in case you ever feel that way, I wanted to point out that the affects of growing up in an alcoholic household run deep and are long-lasting. The Adult Children of Alcoholics website even has a list of characteristics that a lot of ACOAs share - this isn't to say you have all of these characteristics (or that they're the only ones), but some of them might ring a bell for you. So yes, the codependence and clinginess you feel probably does have its roots in what you grew up with, and it's not going to just magically go away on its own even if you feel like it ought to. I found this book (Janet Woititz's Adult Children of Alcoholics) to be a helpful start when I was first wrestling with this issue as an adult.
I'm going to nth everyone else's suggestion that you go to an Al-Anon or ACOA meeting (I've found that Al-Anon meetings are often easier to find, ymmv). Even if you're not religious - I'm not - there is still value in going and you can certainly pick and choose the parts of their philosophy that work for you. Overall, though, I've found there to be tremendous value in being in a room of people who know what it's like to live with and love an alcoholic, and the premise of detachment with love was huge.
Again, I'm sorry you're going through this, but there are things you can do to take care of yourself. I hope you'll do them. Good luck.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:26 AM on September 16, 2013
Should I tell my bf about my mom? I am scared he might break up with me thinking that I am part of a bad family. I am only dating him for 4 months.
Everybody above has given you good advice, but I just wanted to say that when I got to this point I just wanted to hug you and tell you it's going to be okay. Almost everybody comes from a family that has fucked up shit in it. Some of the most beautiful, wonderful, accomplished, kind, caring people I know had terrible, abusive parents. You are not your mom. Your mother and your childhood do not make you unworthy or damaged in any way. You are okay. You are worthy of love.
posted by gauche at 11:14 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Everybody above has given you good advice, but I just wanted to say that when I got to this point I just wanted to hug you and tell you it's going to be okay. Almost everybody comes from a family that has fucked up shit in it. Some of the most beautiful, wonderful, accomplished, kind, caring people I know had terrible, abusive parents. You are not your mom. Your mother and your childhood do not make you unworthy or damaged in any way. You are okay. You are worthy of love.
posted by gauche at 11:14 AM on September 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by Halloween Jack at 7:24 PM on September 15, 2013 [7 favorites]