Advice: Am I Dealing with a Sociopath or Not?
September 15, 2013 5:23 PM Subscribe
I am in quite a complicated situation. Would love advice from all in terms of who I am dealing with, and the best path forward. I will try to summarize as much as possible, and please let me know if I am unclear in any area.
posted by pando11 to human relations (30 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
About six months ago, I reached out to a friend of my roommate who lives in NYC (I live in SF) who I had not met but wanted to ask advice about something I knew he was familiar with. He responded warmly and gave it. We kept in touch, but nothing extreme. He then suddenly said that he was visiting SF: he ran the dates by me, etc. He came out to visit my roommate, and I was attracted to him -- then the entire weekend flirted very aggressively with me in front of my friends -- at one point we were alone and he was literally standing very close to me. I then found out after he left he went on another date with a woman. I was very angry because I did like him and decided he wasn't worth my time. Whatever. His loss.
Sounds simple, right? I never reached out to him. Except he keeps reaching out to me. Texting, calling, chatting when I am on FB, liking my photos. At the same time, he becomes serious with this woman. He comes out to CA a lot, and every time reaches out to me to "hang out." I decline politely. But I do see him when we hang out with our mutual friends, and he brings his girlfriend. While we hang out, he again aggressively flirts with me in front of her. This goes on for a while, and then it becomes painfully obvious that he may not even be aware that I liked him at a point.
A few weeks ago I bring it up and clearly state that I felt rejected and that it was awkward for me. He says that he had no idea that I was interested the first weekend we met and interpreted some of my actions as non interest. I can see how he can see that as I can be hard to read. But then he made some strange comments: that his girlfriend was jealous when he flirts with me, and that he enjoys the "spice" of when there is jealousy. He also said that we "have very good chemistry" and towards the end of what was a three hour conversation, "wants to have dinner to catch up." He also insisted that I not flake because "I always do that" (hello: because I'm not interested in being with someone who is crazy!). Yet, in the beginning he also says that he likes his girlfriend alot and asks about the guy I am dating.
I ask the roommate (who has known him for fifteen years...longer than I have) and if this is normal behavior. She thinks nothing of it, and says that he is just a flirty guy. I think this guy is bad news and treating his girlfriend badly. I'm not sure if this dinner is a date or a catch up. I'm torn because this guy and I have a lot of mutual friends; and I may want friendship and I may be misinterpreting his reaching out as guilt and desire for friendship. But this whole thing seems weird, and I have never met someone with no sense of guilt or remorse about these actions. He also enjoys it when his girlfriend is upset, which I find strange. The strangest part of all is that none of my friends seem to see the issue, and they are good people. They think I am overreacting and overthinking.
Any advice on how to understand and proceed. For now I believe I am not going to this dinner with another polite response but becoming a little freaked out by how strange this situation is.