Should this cat-owning/trying-to-conceive couple get a dog? If yes, how?
September 14, 2013 12:50 PM Subscribe
I want to know if I am crazy or not, because the last thing my life needs right now is More Bad Stuff. I am going through a very tough time lately (due to infertility and a dying parent). I also own two (neurotic) cats. I think I need a dog because an outpouring of goodness and unconditional happiness is sorely needed. But I'm trying to get knocked up, both my husband & I work full time, and I've never owned a dog before.
Snowflake details inside, plus bonus question: if we get this dog, should it be a puppy or adult? From a breeder or a shelter?
Okay so, my mom's health is in a bad way. She's had hepatitis C for 20+ years, and it's catching up to her. She's got cirrhosis and a pre-cancerous tumor. She needs a transplant. It's all very scary.
Also, I just found out I am infertile and will need surgery for a slim chance of conceiving naturally, or IVF for slightly better chances of conceiving through SCIENCE! This is a huge freaking blow. I'm in my mid-30s.
(Plus I am thinking of the possibility of me donating a piece of my liver to my mom, and what that means for my chances of conceiving, etc etc etc.)
Suffice to say I'm kind of weepy. And my cats SUCK AT COMFORTING ME (me=sobbing, cat=baleful glance before sauntering off to eat kibble). A dog would be so much better. I foresee a lot of heartache coming my way soon, and I feel like it would so much easier to go through that with a dog. I wanted one even before I got this latest batch of bad news--more like, "someday when the theoretical children are 5-6." but it does feel a bit more urgent to me now.
I've never owned a dog but I've hung out with them plenty. I love how HAPPY and positive and goofy and loyal they are (or at least, my brother's dog, who I'd love to steal). I like how they make you get out of the house (I tend toward being a shut-in, but not happily, more in a depressed sort of way). I like how intelligent they are, how they're so clued in to human emotions. I want that kind of relationship with an animal.
We both work full-time but could do doggy day care or hire a dog walker.
So, my cats. They're very sweet when it's just my husband and me, but they're territorial and pissy whenever other people come over. But they were here first, and we're completely loyal to them. We don't want a dog to make their lives miserable. Though a baby will probably have the same effect, and maybe it's better to "break them in" with a dog before the kid arrives?
If I'm able to get knocked up at all, the earliest we're talking about a newborn is a year from now. So we'd have a year to concentrate on the animals before the nuttiness of brand new baby.
Let's assume this is a good idea. Puppy or grown dog? I've read about how much work puppies are. But also--wouldn't it be better for the cat situation? Any breed-specific advice?
And finally: shelter or breeder? All my cats have been shelter cats. But since our lifestyle and needs are more inflexible now, I want to have the best possible shot at a compatible temperament, and it seems like breed matters a lot.
Hope me, people!
(sock puppetry due to infertility paranoia/privacy)
Okay so, my mom's health is in a bad way. She's had hepatitis C for 20+ years, and it's catching up to her. She's got cirrhosis and a pre-cancerous tumor. She needs a transplant. It's all very scary.
Also, I just found out I am infertile and will need surgery for a slim chance of conceiving naturally, or IVF for slightly better chances of conceiving through SCIENCE! This is a huge freaking blow. I'm in my mid-30s.
(Plus I am thinking of the possibility of me donating a piece of my liver to my mom, and what that means for my chances of conceiving, etc etc etc.)
Suffice to say I'm kind of weepy. And my cats SUCK AT COMFORTING ME (me=sobbing, cat=baleful glance before sauntering off to eat kibble). A dog would be so much better. I foresee a lot of heartache coming my way soon, and I feel like it would so much easier to go through that with a dog. I wanted one even before I got this latest batch of bad news--more like, "someday when the theoretical children are 5-6." but it does feel a bit more urgent to me now.
I've never owned a dog but I've hung out with them plenty. I love how HAPPY and positive and goofy and loyal they are (or at least, my brother's dog, who I'd love to steal). I like how they make you get out of the house (I tend toward being a shut-in, but not happily, more in a depressed sort of way). I like how intelligent they are, how they're so clued in to human emotions. I want that kind of relationship with an animal.
We both work full-time but could do doggy day care or hire a dog walker.
So, my cats. They're very sweet when it's just my husband and me, but they're territorial and pissy whenever other people come over. But they were here first, and we're completely loyal to them. We don't want a dog to make their lives miserable. Though a baby will probably have the same effect, and maybe it's better to "break them in" with a dog before the kid arrives?
If I'm able to get knocked up at all, the earliest we're talking about a newborn is a year from now. So we'd have a year to concentrate on the animals before the nuttiness of brand new baby.
Let's assume this is a good idea. Puppy or grown dog? I've read about how much work puppies are. But also--wouldn't it be better for the cat situation? Any breed-specific advice?
And finally: shelter or breeder? All my cats have been shelter cats. But since our lifestyle and needs are more inflexible now, I want to have the best possible shot at a compatible temperament, and it seems like breed matters a lot.
Hope me, people!
(sock puppetry due to infertility paranoia/privacy)
Aww . . . I think this is dog time. I don't suggest a puppy, though. If your mother is in failing health, you may find yourself making sudden plans that get you out of the house on short notice. That's even if you don't have a surgery that leaves you convalescent for a while. What I suggest is an easy-going older dog, someone who can quickly adapt to being left alone in the house for several hours, who doesn't need worming and housebreaking, and who will leave the cats alone. Older dogs aren't adopted as fast as puppies, so I think you would not have too much looking to do. Still, one partner should take a day or two off work to get the dog adjusted.
As for breeds, I can only recommend not getting a dog that needs a job, like most terriers or collies, because if they don't get a job they start their own business, often involving eating the walls. Greyhounds and other sighthounds are, for some reason, not very comforting breeds (although they're still pretty awesome). A retriever mix sounds like what you might want.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:18 PM on September 14, 2013
As for breeds, I can only recommend not getting a dog that needs a job, like most terriers or collies, because if they don't get a job they start their own business, often involving eating the walls. Greyhounds and other sighthounds are, for some reason, not very comforting breeds (although they're still pretty awesome). A retriever mix sounds like what you might want.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:18 PM on September 14, 2013
This is not a good idea. If you do get one though get a calm, reliable shelter dog of a breed that isnt too energetic and is good with children.
But to reiterate--bad idea for all the reasons the first comment lays out. Dogs plus kids equals a ton of stress.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:21 PM on September 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
But to reiterate--bad idea for all the reasons the first comment lays out. Dogs plus kids equals a ton of stress.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:21 PM on September 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
(I should really have added that I've never had kids, and that qualifies my advice, however you see fit. I think a dog would enrich your life, that's all.)
posted by Countess Elena at 1:25 PM on September 14, 2013
posted by Countess Elena at 1:25 PM on September 14, 2013
Best answer: I don't think this is a good idea. You have a lot on your plate right now. Dogs are much more high-maintenance than cats. You may have to care for your mom on short notice, be laid up yourself with potential procedures, etc. and worrying about/arranging what to do with the dog, will it get along with the cats when you're not home, etc. will be an additional ongoing responsibility.
And what if it's not a cuddler? My sweet old lab-mutt has been the best therapy dog ever for my family, but she's also a cleverly disguised chicken. She's a finely-tuned detector of emotional tension -- sobbing sends her out of the room. Dogs are great therapy animals in the big picture, but not necessarily on demand.
posted by headnsouth at 1:31 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
And what if it's not a cuddler? My sweet old lab-mutt has been the best therapy dog ever for my family, but she's also a cleverly disguised chicken. She's a finely-tuned detector of emotional tension -- sobbing sends her out of the room. Dogs are great therapy animals in the big picture, but not necessarily on demand.
posted by headnsouth at 1:31 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Golden Retriever.
posted by 445supermag at 1:39 PM on September 14, 2013
posted by 445supermag at 1:39 PM on September 14, 2013
You can find an "easy" dog from a rescue group that is already known to be civilized, housebroken, easygoing, lovable, and good with kids.
A shelter usually can't confirm these things unless they have a real foster program. A puppy is a total crapshoot, so I would strongly urge you not to even consider a puppy.
Only you know if you can really handle a dog right now, but you can also do a lot to minimize the potential negatives.
posted by nobejen at 1:46 PM on September 14, 2013
A shelter usually can't confirm these things unless they have a real foster program. A puppy is a total crapshoot, so I would strongly urge you not to even consider a puppy.
Only you know if you can really handle a dog right now, but you can also do a lot to minimize the potential negatives.
posted by nobejen at 1:46 PM on September 14, 2013
I meant to add--dogs don't exist to comfort people. They can be trained for it, but they have a wide variety of instincts and temperaments and a TON of needs. I've known cats that comfort people, and dogs that are jerks. Get a dog if you love dogs and want to take care of one for 15 years--if you just want to bury your face in fur, buy a huge stuffed animal (not a joke, they are awesome)!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:56 PM on September 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:56 PM on September 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Maybe you can volunteer at a local shelter to play with / exercise the dogs. That way you can spend time with dogs without committing to taking care of one full time.
posted by domnit at 2:00 PM on September 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by domnit at 2:00 PM on September 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
Have you considered fostering a dog instead of adopting? It sounds to me like this might be a better bet for you - ideally an older, well behaved/housebroken dog. Talk to your local shelters - this way you're still doing good (giving a dog a needed home), but its expressly temporary (IE, active re-homing efforts are occurring). If you find out that you just can't live without your pup, well, you can always look to make the foster an official adoption. Otherwise, if it doesn't work out for the long term (you only want to foster until you get pregnant, or it turns outthat the demands of a dog are to much, or your mom needs familial care, etc), you've still done a good deed if you foster until a permanent home is found.
posted by McSwaggers at 2:27 PM on September 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by McSwaggers at 2:27 PM on September 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
Borrow a friend's dog, regularly. Soooo much easier. You deserve comfort, but you don't deserve a whole new set of responsibilities, complications, and potential disappointments (ex. Dog bonds to your sweetheart, not to you.)
If I'm wrong, you can still get a dog. If I'm right, but you get a dog, there's a lot of work to do and no easy way to undo the decision.
(If a friend came to me needing a dog, I would let you borrow mine for like, days at a time!)
posted by vitabellosi at 2:29 PM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
If I'm wrong, you can still get a dog. If I'm right, but you get a dog, there's a lot of work to do and no easy way to undo the decision.
(If a friend came to me needing a dog, I would let you borrow mine for like, days at a time!)
posted by vitabellosi at 2:29 PM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think dog ownership is a good idea for you right now. You have a lot on your plate, and you have a very set picture of an idealized dog-owner relationship. How is it going to affect you emotionally if the dog you get isn't the dog you're expecting?
You might want to do some local research and see if there are any organizations nearby that provide therapy dogs for senior centers and hospices. You can then see if they need general unskilled volunteers (this may involve a lot of poop-scooping, pee mopping, and maybe bathing; otherwise general cleaning up stuff). That way you can have a bit doggy attention time with the kind of dogs temperamentally suited towards your specific stated needs.
posted by elizardbits at 2:30 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
You might want to do some local research and see if there are any organizations nearby that provide therapy dogs for senior centers and hospices. You can then see if they need general unskilled volunteers (this may involve a lot of poop-scooping, pee mopping, and maybe bathing; otherwise general cleaning up stuff). That way you can have a bit doggy attention time with the kind of dogs temperamentally suited towards your specific stated needs.
posted by elizardbits at 2:30 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't do it.
posted by Good Brain at 2:39 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Good Brain at 2:39 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I do not have a dog. I have a two-year-old. I do not want a dog.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 2:49 PM on September 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 2:49 PM on September 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Please don't get a dog. You are not in a good place to take care of a dog properly, and it doesn't sound like it's going to get better soon. As someone who has never had a dog before, you cannot imagine how much work they are. A dog will not make your life easier - it will make it harder.
I recommend volunteering at a shelter to play with the puppies, but not fostering. Fostering is as hard as owning a dog, or it should be, honestly. You are getting the dog ready for a home where it will live forever, so you have to make sure it is ready to fit in well in that home. It is a bad idea to get a foster dog just so you can get a dog with no risk - it's very unfair to the dog and their future permanent owner.
posted by winna at 2:50 PM on September 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
I recommend volunteering at a shelter to play with the puppies, but not fostering. Fostering is as hard as owning a dog, or it should be, honestly. You are getting the dog ready for a home where it will live forever, so you have to make sure it is ready to fit in well in that home. It is a bad idea to get a foster dog just so you can get a dog with no risk - it's very unfair to the dog and their future permanent owner.
posted by winna at 2:50 PM on September 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
I know several dogs that leave the room when someone cries.
Most of your other dog needs (including getting out of the house!) could be taken care of by volunteering at a shelter. I really don't think another possible source is stress is what you need.
posted by tchemgrrl at 3:05 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Most of your other dog needs (including getting out of the house!) could be taken care of by volunteering at a shelter. I really don't think another possible source is stress is what you need.
posted by tchemgrrl at 3:05 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Getting a dog right now would be the equivalent of people in a struggling marriage deciding to have a child because they think it will fix whatever is wrong with their relationship.
If you aren't getting your needs met right now, reach out to your friends, your spouse, your (chosen or biological) family, and/or a therapist.
posted by jesourie at 3:08 PM on September 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
If you aren't getting your needs met right now, reach out to your friends, your spouse, your (chosen or biological) family, and/or a therapist.
posted by jesourie at 3:08 PM on September 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
I love my dog to bits, but I just spent several disgusting minutes cleaning up his diarrhea the other night. He also ransacked the trash last night, and I need to vacuum like woah! Older, mellow dogs can still be a pain in the ass. I love him, and he loves me in whatever way dogs feel love, but for every kiss and sweet doggy moment there's a cleaning up barf moment, too.
Just something to consider.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:15 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Just something to consider.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:15 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oof, I was mostly with you up until "we both work full-time". Instead of a dog, I think you should get a snuggly shelter cat. A third cat is hardly any more work when you already have two, and when you have a baby, the cat would be much better at managing without your immediate attention than a dog could ever be. I promise that emotionally, cats can be all you're hoping for in a dog, and by getting an older one from a shelter you'll be able to select for personality and cuddliness. Meanwhile, can your husband be in charge of dragging you outside for walks?
Just last week I was petting shelter cats and one reached out of his cage to bat at my face so softly and kindly I could have taken him home right then. They'd named him Bullet because, I quote, "of the way he races out of his cage to be hugged". I bet he nuzzles your head and purrs when you're crying on the bed. That's the kind of pet you want.
posted by teremala at 3:28 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just last week I was petting shelter cats and one reached out of his cage to bat at my face so softly and kindly I could have taken him home right then. They'd named him Bullet because, I quote, "of the way he races out of his cage to be hugged". I bet he nuzzles your head and purrs when you're crying on the bed. That's the kind of pet you want.
posted by teremala at 3:28 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This is a terrible idea that will only cause more stress.
Borrow a friend's pup or volunteer. I don't recommend fostering because it will be traumatic for the cats and the dog.
I understand you're panic, but please find a better way to cope.
Your ideas about how your cats will cope with a baby or a dog are not grounded in reality.
I've had dogs, cats, and a baby. I had two cats when my son was born.
Let me promise you I was 1000 percent ready to rehome either or both cats if they were incompatible with my newborn, back in the day.
I get where you are coming from, but you're not thinking clearly right now (undersatandable!!) and I'm glad you checked in here.
posted by jbenben at 3:35 PM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
Borrow a friend's pup or volunteer. I don't recommend fostering because it will be traumatic for the cats and the dog.
I understand you're panic, but please find a better way to cope.
Your ideas about how your cats will cope with a baby or a dog are not grounded in reality.
I've had dogs, cats, and a baby. I had two cats when my son was born.
Let me promise you I was 1000 percent ready to rehome either or both cats if they were incompatible with my newborn, back in the day.
I get where you are coming from, but you're not thinking clearly right now (undersatandable!!) and I'm glad you checked in here.
posted by jbenben at 3:35 PM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. But you need comfort, not another responsibility. The idea that a dog gives nothing but happiness and loyalty is like thinking having kids would be easy because they're sweet and fun. Sure they are - they're also demanding, unpredictable, expensive and messy. And so are dogs.
My sister has 2 kids under 5, she and her husband work, and they have a dog. They got him before the babies and I really feel sorry for him. When he was their baby they adored him, but now (while of course they still take good care of him) he is more of an extra burden of work. I know if she had to do it over she wouldn't have got him. Also, while she is part-time now they both worked full time when they got him. As a result he spent a lot of his formative years alone. And personally I think it damaged his development as he's a little, uh, strange. So I think with all that is going on in your life you won't have time to give a dog the stimulation s/he needs. After all, it's not just about what they can offer you, but also vice versa.
I think you need to consider other ways to meet your emotional needs. I think helping at a rescue centre is an excellent idea, as is reaching out to friends, and therapy if possible. I'm wondering what your SO thinks of it all, and wondering why he is not your main source of hugs at such a difficult time? Good luck with everything.
posted by billiebee at 3:37 PM on September 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
My sister has 2 kids under 5, she and her husband work, and they have a dog. They got him before the babies and I really feel sorry for him. When he was their baby they adored him, but now (while of course they still take good care of him) he is more of an extra burden of work. I know if she had to do it over she wouldn't have got him. Also, while she is part-time now they both worked full time when they got him. As a result he spent a lot of his formative years alone. And personally I think it damaged his development as he's a little, uh, strange. So I think with all that is going on in your life you won't have time to give a dog the stimulation s/he needs. After all, it's not just about what they can offer you, but also vice versa.
I think you need to consider other ways to meet your emotional needs. I think helping at a rescue centre is an excellent idea, as is reaching out to friends, and therapy if possible. I'm wondering what your SO thinks of it all, and wondering why he is not your main source of hugs at such a difficult time? Good luck with everything.
posted by billiebee at 3:37 PM on September 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
We have a very nice perfectly serviceable dog. But, when I am sad/upset, she doesn't magically sense it and snuggle up to me and help make me feel better because she knows I need cheering up. I think that is a talent some dogs have and some don't. On the other hand, our dog is very talented at waking us up when we don't want to be woken. You don't want that kind of "help" when you are stressed out about your family.
posted by molasses at 4:08 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by molasses at 4:08 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Remember that part in the Great Gatsby where Daisy's husband Tom and his mistress Myrtle get a dog because Myrtle is really touched by it and then leave it in their apartment and it is never heard of again the entire book because they essentially get bored of it after the oh it's so adorable first impression and they aren't prepared to do the work to take care of it really? Don't be that couple.
A dog will not change the fact that you are going through a really trying time right now. Dogs are not all like Lassie. They won't necessarily comfort you in times of need. Dogs can be great companions. That said, they also require serious time for attention and training which you may not be able to amply provide with all the stress you have right now.
Reengage with your cats. Devote yourself to other activities you love. Hang in there.
posted by donut_princess at 4:11 PM on September 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
A dog will not change the fact that you are going through a really trying time right now. Dogs are not all like Lassie. They won't necessarily comfort you in times of need. Dogs can be great companions. That said, they also require serious time for attention and training which you may not be able to amply provide with all the stress you have right now.
Reengage with your cats. Devote yourself to other activities you love. Hang in there.
posted by donut_princess at 4:11 PM on September 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
i don't think it is a good idea. dogs are a lot of work. i don't think my dog really acts any different if i cry. i doubt most do honestly. i think you probably have a very idealized picture in your head of what owning a dog is like and it probably isn't too accurate. like i said, dogs are a lot of work.
i also think a stuffed animal might be good or even therapy or a support group for either the infertility or elder care issue at this difficult time in your life. i'm sorry you are dealing with so much. that is a lot for anyone.
posted by wildflower at 4:12 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
i also think a stuffed animal might be good or even therapy or a support group for either the infertility or elder care issue at this difficult time in your life. i'm sorry you are dealing with so much. that is a lot for anyone.
posted by wildflower at 4:12 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also vote no dog. We had three crazy-loved rabbits when our son was born and pretty much the first year of his life taking care of the bunnies felt like such a huge energy drain when I had so little left to give (and they don't even need walks and getting all up in your business with love like dogs). We still have two buns now, as one of them died from super old age last year, and I am honestly looking forward to a short period of life being pet-free at some point. A dog is completely off the table forever, though, because all I can think now is that dogs are like toddlers that will never grow up.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 4:26 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 4:26 PM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Don't do it. I have two dogs that were like my children...riiiight up until I had an actual child 5 months ago. Now I have a lot less time and energy for them, and when they make noise and wake the baby (a regular occurrence) I get pretty exasperated. I feel bad about the whole situation.
posted by town of cats at 4:27 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by town of cats at 4:27 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Pass on the dog-this is not what you need now. Pay good attention to your kitties, and they may at least partially give you the comfort you need. Use the money you would have spent on a dog to get regular massages; relaxation and stress relief are what you need. Be good to yourself, hubby, future baby and your kitties and you'll get through all the hard stuff.
posted by LaBellaStella at 4:29 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by LaBellaStella at 4:29 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't have a personal opinion, but here is a link to someone talking about how much they (thought they) loved their dog, and how little attention they gave it after they had a baby.
posted by aimedwander at 7:09 PM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 7:09 PM on September 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
I got a dog for essentially the same reasons you have and it's working out. However, I have four teenagers who help look after the dog and love her too, and the dog was tested with repeat visits for how she would behave around the toddler, and we still have a return option with the shelter.
Unless you can afford household help or a dog-walker, the amount of care involved on one or two people is big. Spread out it's manageable - I do one or two walks and the morning food and vets, my kids do the other walks and evening food and playtime, etc - but it is a lot of work, and dogs get super sad and act out if they are neglected. With your mom and the infertility treatment will take up a lot of time, so you need backup and support to take on 1-2 hours of work each day.
Your two best options are either getting a puppy from a really good breeder who is willing to take the puppy back and rehome if it doesn't work out, and who can make sure that you get a very well-socialized and healthy dog, or to find an elderly dog being placed out by a shelter or family who has just 2-3 years left and basically wants to sit around and be loved and loving for a while.
Breed is only a broad outline. Personality overrides breed, which is why a good breeder will only place a dog at 3-4 months at the earliest. Big dogs are often better at this than small dogs who are more high-energy and demanding.
Our cat who had never been near a dog before and the dog who had never been near a cat took to each other at first sight and spend all day chasing and playfighting and sleeping together. I've had cats who loathed dogs and tolerated them though, it's impossible to predict.
We went back and forth over the decision, and it is tough. Going to the shelters and visiting different dogs and walking away was really tough, so don't do it alone.
My husband was not on board with getting a dog again at first, but we worked it out after repeated shelter visits, discussions and making sure that we had the time to look after the dog, and agreeing to get a relatively easy dog, not one with behaviour challenges this time.
Everyone above is right, but you need to decide yourself if you have the hours to care for the dog.
posted by viggorlijah at 7:48 PM on September 14, 2013
Unless you can afford household help or a dog-walker, the amount of care involved on one or two people is big. Spread out it's manageable - I do one or two walks and the morning food and vets, my kids do the other walks and evening food and playtime, etc - but it is a lot of work, and dogs get super sad and act out if they are neglected. With your mom and the infertility treatment will take up a lot of time, so you need backup and support to take on 1-2 hours of work each day.
Your two best options are either getting a puppy from a really good breeder who is willing to take the puppy back and rehome if it doesn't work out, and who can make sure that you get a very well-socialized and healthy dog, or to find an elderly dog being placed out by a shelter or family who has just 2-3 years left and basically wants to sit around and be loved and loving for a while.
Breed is only a broad outline. Personality overrides breed, which is why a good breeder will only place a dog at 3-4 months at the earliest. Big dogs are often better at this than small dogs who are more high-energy and demanding.
Our cat who had never been near a dog before and the dog who had never been near a cat took to each other at first sight and spend all day chasing and playfighting and sleeping together. I've had cats who loathed dogs and tolerated them though, it's impossible to predict.
We went back and forth over the decision, and it is tough. Going to the shelters and visiting different dogs and walking away was really tough, so don't do it alone.
My husband was not on board with getting a dog again at first, but we worked it out after repeated shelter visits, discussions and making sure that we had the time to look after the dog, and agreeing to get a relatively easy dog, not one with behaviour challenges this time.
Everyone above is right, but you need to decide yourself if you have the hours to care for the dog.
posted by viggorlijah at 7:48 PM on September 14, 2013
I understand you wanting to have something to dearests with, but I don't think a dog is for you right now. Even the bestest dog in the world is going to need brushed, fed, and walked twice a day--minimum--in all weathers, no matter how tired you are, or what else is going on in your life.
Can you destress by spending non-demanding time with each other just hangin'? Make a pact--this Sunday we're not getting out of our pjs until noon, and we're going to go find a hot tub to hang out in for an hour. Thursdays is our official eat pizza and kick back night. Go out for a walk twice a week and just stroll. Borrow a neighbor's dog or volunteer at the pound so you have a commitment to get you out there. Heck, borrow your brother's dog.
Can you also find ways to destress that involve touch? Get a spa treatment--massage, mani/pedi, something that relaxes you and allows you to let down.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:41 PM on September 14, 2013
Can you destress by spending non-demanding time with each other just hangin'? Make a pact--this Sunday we're not getting out of our pjs until noon, and we're going to go find a hot tub to hang out in for an hour. Thursdays is our official eat pizza and kick back night. Go out for a walk twice a week and just stroll. Borrow a neighbor's dog or volunteer at the pound so you have a commitment to get you out there. Heck, borrow your brother's dog.
Can you also find ways to destress that involve touch? Get a spa treatment--massage, mani/pedi, something that relaxes you and allows you to let down.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:41 PM on September 14, 2013
Best answer: I have a dog and a cat. The dog, like others have said, is so much more work than the cat. He needs to be walked three times a day, he needs to be played with, needs grooming, needs relatively expensive prescription flea medicine, needs bathing, shushing when he barks too
Much, needs special arrangements if I travel. No real spontaneity because I have to be home at some point to let him out, so no day trips or overnights without extra planning.
Last week I was writhing in pain on the couch. You know who paid more attention? Cat.
posted by thank you silence at 9:58 PM on September 14, 2013
Much, needs special arrangements if I travel. No real spontaneity because I have to be home at some point to let him out, so no day trips or overnights without extra planning.
Last week I was writhing in pain on the couch. You know who paid more attention? Cat.
posted by thank you silence at 9:58 PM on September 14, 2013
I think this could be OK, but I think it would have to be exactly the right dog. What you mention wanting from a dog -- a sweet goofball who would be a support to you during hard times -- is not a given with all dogs. Getting that and a dog that is at a point in its life where it's a little lower maintenance, AND gets along with your cats is a tall order.
The other thing I don't think you're thinking through is: what happens with the dog when you have surgery or IVF treatments or go into labor and your husband wants to be at the hospital with you rather than walking a dog? What happens if you need to travel unexpectedly related to all these major life situations you already have going on?
posted by Sara C. at 6:09 AM on September 15, 2013
The other thing I don't think you're thinking through is: what happens with the dog when you have surgery or IVF treatments or go into labor and your husband wants to be at the hospital with you rather than walking a dog? What happens if you need to travel unexpectedly related to all these major life situations you already have going on?
posted by Sara C. at 6:09 AM on September 15, 2013
Best answer: The number of people I know who got dogs to patch missing baby issues, soaked up the love and comfort, and then could NOT deal with the dog when a baby finally arrived is sob-inducing. I say this as someone who feels like my dog saved my life when I was dying of the special brand of loneliness only infertility offers. But, the dog worked out for us because the baby did not. I seriously cannot imagine being able to give this pooch the time, love and attention she needs while also having to provide many multiples of that time, love and attention to an infant or toddler.
You are never going to know what youre getting into with a baby. And unless you're REALLY sure what you're getting into with a dog, I would not advise combining the two.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:28 AM on September 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
You are never going to know what youre getting into with a baby. And unless you're REALLY sure what you're getting into with a dog, I would not advise combining the two.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:28 AM on September 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you are pregnant you will not be able to donate part of your liver. Transplant programs are so careful with "healthy donors" that the slightest medical issue will cross you off the list. To be clear, the infertility issue is not a problem, but if you were to use hormones or become pregnant your chance of donating would be deferred.
They are so careful that basically any health issue will disqualify you. Hypertension, diabetes, etc. Each program has individual requirements, so check with the program that listed your mom for transplant.
If you are not a candidate to donate, that doesn't mean she won't be eligible for a cadaver liver. The advantage of a living-donated liver is that it can be timed to occur when the patient is relatively healthy, before she becomes so ill that a transplant is her only avenue. Also, a cadaver liver doesn't come from a donor who can be vetted for health the way a living donor is.
I know this doesn't answer your direct question about getting a dog, but it might be helpful information for you. Sorry - I'm a cat person!
posted by citygirl at 4:28 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
They are so careful that basically any health issue will disqualify you. Hypertension, diabetes, etc. Each program has individual requirements, so check with the program that listed your mom for transplant.
If you are not a candidate to donate, that doesn't mean she won't be eligible for a cadaver liver. The advantage of a living-donated liver is that it can be timed to occur when the patient is relatively healthy, before she becomes so ill that a transplant is her only avenue. Also, a cadaver liver doesn't come from a donor who can be vetted for health the way a living donor is.
I know this doesn't answer your direct question about getting a dog, but it might be helpful information for you. Sorry - I'm a cat person!
posted by citygirl at 4:28 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Dogs are a lot of work. A LOT of work. And they make your schedule much less flexible. They need to go outside for potty, go on walks, and be fed at regular times. They need obedience training and then you need to keep with with the training, consistently, for the rest of their lives. They can destroy things in the house in a flash, eat a bunch of stuff they weren't supposed to and require emergency vet visits, and suddenly develop the ability to jump your wall and run away when your back is turned.
I had cats all my life, and have only been living with dogs since 2011, and I love them but they are so much more work than cats. Out of the 7 dogs I've worked with in the past few years, only one of them has been that goofy, cuddly, adoring companion you seem to want. He's very sensitive to human moods, which can be great when he comes up on the bed to nap with me, but is also a big responsibility because he gets very agitated if anyone in the house raises their voice, or if routine changes too much, or if one of us is gone for a long time.
If you are interested, my advice would be what it is on any thread about getting a dog - work with a rescue that has animals in foster homes. Look at dogs 2 years and older that currently live in homes with cats. Interview various foster families about their adoptable dogs, meet the dogs, and take them for a trial week/weekend before deciding for sure.
Don't adopt a rescue dog based on its looks, or on what you've heard in general about the breed. Adopt a dog based on really working with, and observing, that individual dog.
posted by Squeak Attack at 1:14 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I had cats all my life, and have only been living with dogs since 2011, and I love them but they are so much more work than cats. Out of the 7 dogs I've worked with in the past few years, only one of them has been that goofy, cuddly, adoring companion you seem to want. He's very sensitive to human moods, which can be great when he comes up on the bed to nap with me, but is also a big responsibility because he gets very agitated if anyone in the house raises their voice, or if routine changes too much, or if one of us is gone for a long time.
If you are interested, my advice would be what it is on any thread about getting a dog - work with a rescue that has animals in foster homes. Look at dogs 2 years and older that currently live in homes with cats. Interview various foster families about their adoptable dogs, meet the dogs, and take them for a trial week/weekend before deciding for sure.
Don't adopt a rescue dog based on its looks, or on what you've heard in general about the breed. Adopt a dog based on really working with, and observing, that individual dog.
posted by Squeak Attack at 1:14 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Well, you've collectively talked me off the dog ledge. I marked best answers that were particularly instrumental in changing my thinking (as well as the dissenting opinion from rainydayfilms since it voiced so clearly the dog-fertility connection in my brain). Love the idea of volunteering at a shelter to get more pup time. I had a sit-down with my kitties and explained they wouldn't have to deal with a dog, but in return they'll need to step up their affection game. I think they got it.
posted by barnacle at 3:29 PM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by barnacle at 3:29 PM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I am glad you reached that decision, barnacle. One thing I forgot to say is that you could look at fostering. That is what I was trying to do when I got our dog but my local SPCA doesn't do that (?!?!) and I wasn't plugged into my new community well enough yet to find the other rescues that do offer it, and in fact desperately need it. A fostering gig is going to last for a few days to a few months, you should get good support from the fostering org, and if you know the pooch has to go, you can guard against getting overly attached. Just something to think about when you're picking a place to volunteer - maybe look for one where fostering is an option!
posted by DarlingBri at 2:20 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by DarlingBri at 2:20 AM on September 20, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
We did end up getting pregnant about a year after we got the dog. Once we had the baby, dog did beautifully with him. But, it took way more out of us to take care of the dog and the baby than one or the other. Dog died about 6 months ago of very old age and I miss him like crazy, but we are not even thinking about getting another dog for at least another 4 years because small children and doggies are hard to handle together.
Further data points - I worked from home so I was able to give dog lots of breaks and walks, etc. We moved about 9 months before he died and I went into an office leaving him home alone. I hated doing it, but I couldn't find another alternative. This really stressed him out and I think had something to do with his aged decline.
In short, I know how lonely you are feeling, but I cannot in any way see this as being a good idea. Hug those kitties a little tighter and maybe borrow a friend's dog for some extra love when you really need it.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 1:16 PM on September 14, 2013 [7 favorites]