Is this just a special-snowflake-petty relationship concern?
September 12, 2013 11:11 AM Subscribe
If your partner did something wrong when you first started dating and you didn’t find out until later when you were deep in a happy relationship, what would you do? How much of the past do you let go and how much of the past do you let define the present (e.g., break up)?
posted by inevitability to Human Relations (47 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
When we started dating, my partner was still messaging with his ex on a daily basis. I never realized until I looked through his Facebook photos (like 8 months later) and connected the name. (He never hid his text messages from me, which loaded on his computer screen.) I talked to him about it and asked him if this was something I should be worried about. He said not at all, he has no intentions of getting back together with his ex but they did end on good terms and are friends. I was at a really busy point in grad school and didn’t think about it any further.
That occurred about 4 months ago. We have a wonderful relationship and I care a lot about him. Our one year anniversary, depending on what milestone, has past/is nearing but I haven’t been very enthused about it though we have talked about it. Something I read the other day reminded me of the texting issue and I realized I haven’t been excited about our one year because of that. I feel SO SELFISH saying this but knowing that he talked with his ex daily like we did took away from the specialness in the beginning of our relationship. I want to be the only ‘good morning’ he sent.
I shared my feelings with him the other day. He felt bad I was feeling this way. He explained further that he hadn’t expected to meet someone he liked so much so soon and that our early dates were special to him. He and his ex had come to a mutual understanding that they were not compatible and ended friendly. He emphasized he was single when we met, but he kept messaging because they were friends and he was still transitioning. He hasn’t had many break ups and since they didn’t end horribly… He says they don’t speak anymore. But he can't do anything about the past now.
I am at a lost. We are great together and committed—he is willing to move (within reason) to where I find a job next year (PhD/academic markets, sigh). I just feel like a stupid rebound, lied to. If I had found this out earlier in our relationship, I would have left. I told him I needed time to think about it. We haven’t spoken in nearly two days and I hate it.
Do I just need a swift kick in the behind from someone? Maybe some inspirational quotes on a flowery background about what trust/what's really important in a relationship is? I know my feelings are valid but in face of the good relationship we have I feel stupid focusing on this. Thanks all.