Should I give my ex a 4-hour ride?
September 12, 2013 3:55 AM Subscribe
My ex is not doing great after I picked an arbitrary day to end our relationship. One annoyance is that he now has to deal with finding his own transportation to some friends. I'm going up that way myself, and feel guilty about many things. Should I offer to take him?
posted by segfault to Human Relations (28 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I'm moving across the country for a job, and in the process I broke up with my ex of a little over a year. He had always seemed less interested in a committed relationship than I, so I thought it would be a relatively painless process, but he became a whole lot more invested in the relationship all of a sudden in the last month (after he found out I was moving), and in the end the breakup was a lot more teary on both sides than I expected.
On Saturday night, we had a long, sad conversation about how it wasn't just the distance, I didn't see us as super compatible. (He told me he thought I was perfect, that I was the one good thing in his life and he felt he had fucked it up.) I didn't sleep that night.
We had already planned to get together on Monday, so I told him that that would be the last day, and though it was difficult, I held firm to it. We could have had a few more days this week: I'm driving to my parents' this weekend, so that's the hard deadline, but Saturday freaked me out so much that I didn't want to deal with any more teary sessions. On Monday he mentioned that he had made plans to see some friends in my parents' area, and thought that maybe he could hitch a ride. I told him no, and have been feeling guilty about it ever since.
It would be really easy for me to give him a ride. He's not in a good financial situation, for one thing, so this would help him out. I also picked this completely random day to end our relationship, that just happened to prevent the ride-giving. It seems kind of petty now that I think about it. He's going through a pretty rough time, and I feel like I should give him some control in how our relationship ends.
On the other hand, It's been a day or two since the breakup, and I assume that both of us have already started the healing process. Should I reach out to him and say that I changed my mind? I don't want him to feel like the breakup is mutable.
I did actually reach out to him the day after we broke up, just to briefly see how he was doing, and also to feel out the possibility of extending the offer of a ride after all. He told me that it was hard to talk to me when he knew that we could be physically together at the moment but that I just didn't want to. That sucked. I do want to, I just don't want to in the long term.
At this point I'm really confused. I'm part convinced that I need to cut off contact with him (something that he told me hasn't helped him in the past... but that he seemed to contradict last night), part convinced that I'm being a jerk by keeping so strict about this arbitrary deadline. Whether or not I give him a ride seems like such a small deal, but I'm afraid I'll regret it if I end this on a bad note.
I'm worried about his financial situation, his self-esteem, and his general mental well-being, all of which are not in the best straits at the moment. Should I offer to take him after all? If so, how should I phrase it?