How should I act around dogs?
September 9, 2013 9:23 PM Subscribe
My dog passed away a few months ago. He had a lot of problems with aggression and bit me several times. As a result, I am anxious around dogs and display nervous body language. How should I move past this and act the correct way around dogs again?
I am 21 and I live with my parents. We always had dogs when I was growing up and I was never nervous around them. We adopted a dog in 2005 (we had 2 cats at the time). He was just a normal puppy up until he was 2 years old. He became more aggressive, very anxious whenever anyone left the house and very protective of my mother. But this would only happen on occasion - 90% of the time he was good, the other 10% he was uncontrollable. We spent a lot of time and money on obedience trainers and programs. My parents just gave up after a while and decided to live with it. He bit people several times, and twice it was bad enough to need stitches. (Please don't bring up the fact that he should have been put to sleep - I know that now and knew it then, but I was a teenager and had no say in the matter). He passed away from cancer a few months ago and it was very hard to deal with.
I have a hard time trusting dogs now. I've only been around a few dogs in passing since (at a shelter I volunteer at (in the cat area only)). It wasn't just being bit, it was having to be constantly on edge because I never knew if he was going to snap. Intellectually, I know most dogs aren't like this, but I still feel uneasy around them. I know dogs react to body language. How can I be confident and act confident around dogs again? Any websites or books about dogs and body language would be appreciated. I'm not cowering in fear, but I am super vigilant and I feel like the dogs sense it and it makes them uneasy. A friend is moving back home soon and she has a dog I would like to get know, so I really want to work on this. Thanks for any help.
I am 21 and I live with my parents. We always had dogs when I was growing up and I was never nervous around them. We adopted a dog in 2005 (we had 2 cats at the time). He was just a normal puppy up until he was 2 years old. He became more aggressive, very anxious whenever anyone left the house and very protective of my mother. But this would only happen on occasion - 90% of the time he was good, the other 10% he was uncontrollable. We spent a lot of time and money on obedience trainers and programs. My parents just gave up after a while and decided to live with it. He bit people several times, and twice it was bad enough to need stitches. (Please don't bring up the fact that he should have been put to sleep - I know that now and knew it then, but I was a teenager and had no say in the matter). He passed away from cancer a few months ago and it was very hard to deal with.
I have a hard time trusting dogs now. I've only been around a few dogs in passing since (at a shelter I volunteer at (in the cat area only)). It wasn't just being bit, it was having to be constantly on edge because I never knew if he was going to snap. Intellectually, I know most dogs aren't like this, but I still feel uneasy around them. I know dogs react to body language. How can I be confident and act confident around dogs again? Any websites or books about dogs and body language would be appreciated. I'm not cowering in fear, but I am super vigilant and I feel like the dogs sense it and it makes them uneasy. A friend is moving back home soon and she has a dog I would like to get know, so I really want to work on this. Thanks for any help.
I'm sorry you - and others - had a bad experience with a troubled dog, and I'm also sorry for your loss, losing a dog is like losing a family member, and only dog owners will understand that.
I think the best thing you can do is be around well socialized / well behaved dogs. A shelter, particularly in the cat area (what other part would you expect any dog to go nuts in?) is not a good location for this. You can't manage the types of dogs coming through and the types coming through will be, by all probabilities, more often troublesome than not.
Dogs definitely can and do sense your emotions and temperament, and they react reflexively and naturally to that. If you are fearful, the dog is going to respond fearfully, probably most often also fearful that it doesn't know what it is you are afraid of or why. I would suggest that the best thing you can do is purposefully act confidently, if not for the dog's sake, more for your own. Expect that the dog will react normally to you, particularly if it's owner has confirmed it to be a well behaved dog that you can trust, and you are in a safe and non-threatening environment for the dog (ideally: its home).
Beyond that, it's just going to take practice. Start touching any new dog by first offering your closed hand (make a fist, not too tight), to allow the dog to sniff it and see that you are offering to pet it without forcing the issue with the dog. Any problem dog that would try to bite your closed hand will have to open his jaws much wider than he would for a finger, and won't be able to apply as much bite force. So just think of that, and be confident that even if this dog did want to bite you, it won't be able to bite hard.
Once you have confirmation from the dog that it is friendly to you (look for raised ears, wagging tale, eye contact, not cowering, etc.), you can open your hand and pet lightly around the top of the head and ears - this is the least threatening place for any dog. Once you are much more comfortable with the dog you can move to petting it on other parts of the body, or lightly scratching it - again start with the ears.
That's really all there is to it. You just need lots of practice doing it again and again. Start with your friend's safe dog before you move on to other dogs. Always approach any new dog with confident caution, but not fear. Good luck, and good on you.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:45 PM on September 9, 2013
I think the best thing you can do is be around well socialized / well behaved dogs. A shelter, particularly in the cat area (what other part would you expect any dog to go nuts in?) is not a good location for this. You can't manage the types of dogs coming through and the types coming through will be, by all probabilities, more often troublesome than not.
Dogs definitely can and do sense your emotions and temperament, and they react reflexively and naturally to that. If you are fearful, the dog is going to respond fearfully, probably most often also fearful that it doesn't know what it is you are afraid of or why. I would suggest that the best thing you can do is purposefully act confidently, if not for the dog's sake, more for your own. Expect that the dog will react normally to you, particularly if it's owner has confirmed it to be a well behaved dog that you can trust, and you are in a safe and non-threatening environment for the dog (ideally: its home).
Beyond that, it's just going to take practice. Start touching any new dog by first offering your closed hand (make a fist, not too tight), to allow the dog to sniff it and see that you are offering to pet it without forcing the issue with the dog. Any problem dog that would try to bite your closed hand will have to open his jaws much wider than he would for a finger, and won't be able to apply as much bite force. So just think of that, and be confident that even if this dog did want to bite you, it won't be able to bite hard.
Once you have confirmation from the dog that it is friendly to you (look for raised ears, wagging tale, eye contact, not cowering, etc.), you can open your hand and pet lightly around the top of the head and ears - this is the least threatening place for any dog. Once you are much more comfortable with the dog you can move to petting it on other parts of the body, or lightly scratching it - again start with the ears.
That's really all there is to it. You just need lots of practice doing it again and again. Start with your friend's safe dog before you move on to other dogs. Always approach any new dog with confident caution, but not fear. Good luck, and good on you.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:45 PM on September 9, 2013
We just met an abandoned and clearly abused 3-week old puppy last night that some friends of ours took over from their complex guards who had found it on the street out front. The friends insisted it was too aggressive and bitey still to pet but using the method I described above, I was petting and feeding it in about 30 seconds. Talking to the dog in a kind tone and not moving too fast or threateningly helps, too.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:48 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:48 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
First of all I just want to give you a word of encouragement. My mom feared dogs all of her life in a major way, crossing the street when a dog was coming by, going out of her way to avoid them. But, she let me get a puppy when I was a kid, and that puppy turned into a huge furry beast who looked like --- let's just say, I actually had another kid ask me once if he was a werewolf. And at home I would find them sometimes, my dog with all 4 legs in the air, and my mom rubbing his belly and reciting the "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear" nursery rhyme to him. So. You can do it too!
I think that you should start by having short, limited interactions with dogs and not trying to pet them. I feel like a lot of dogs get a bit... hesitant when someone they don't know starts trying to pet them. After all this strange smelling hand is kind of going over their head, back behind them where they can't see it, going to do something unknown... I just think even though it seems like the basic way to interact with a dog, there are better things to do.
Also, especially in a shelter environment, some dogs have unexpected aches and pains. For example, if they haven't received dental care and have sore teeth, and you accidentally bumped a really sore spot on their jaw, they could react to that and it would seem very out-of-nowhere even if the reason for it had nothing to do with you really.
I think it would be a lot better for you to do something like giving a treat or playing fetch. (Give the treat by placing it on the floor in front of you or by putting it in the palm of your hand, with all your fingers closed. If you play fetch, wait until the dog drops the ball/stick in front of you and steps back, don't try to take it away.)
I also think, just when you're starting out, it would be helpful to start with particular kinds of dogs. In a shelter there are tons of puppies, so that could be a very low-pressure way to start out. I would also suggest starting with a very very mellow golden retriever or lab. A dog that's definitely an adult, not a hyper youngster that's going to be jumping all over you and wanting to play rough, pulling on a leash, trying to snatch treats from your hand, etc. A senior dog who just wants to snooze might also be good for some gentle petting, (if they wag their tail when you approach/dont' want to be just left alone) but just again, remember with senior dogs, they have aches and pains (sore hips, etc.) and you might press on a spot and hurt the dog by accident.
posted by cairdeas at 10:26 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think that you should start by having short, limited interactions with dogs and not trying to pet them. I feel like a lot of dogs get a bit... hesitant when someone they don't know starts trying to pet them. After all this strange smelling hand is kind of going over their head, back behind them where they can't see it, going to do something unknown... I just think even though it seems like the basic way to interact with a dog, there are better things to do.
Also, especially in a shelter environment, some dogs have unexpected aches and pains. For example, if they haven't received dental care and have sore teeth, and you accidentally bumped a really sore spot on their jaw, they could react to that and it would seem very out-of-nowhere even if the reason for it had nothing to do with you really.
I think it would be a lot better for you to do something like giving a treat or playing fetch. (Give the treat by placing it on the floor in front of you or by putting it in the palm of your hand, with all your fingers closed. If you play fetch, wait until the dog drops the ball/stick in front of you and steps back, don't try to take it away.)
I also think, just when you're starting out, it would be helpful to start with particular kinds of dogs. In a shelter there are tons of puppies, so that could be a very low-pressure way to start out. I would also suggest starting with a very very mellow golden retriever or lab. A dog that's definitely an adult, not a hyper youngster that's going to be jumping all over you and wanting to play rough, pulling on a leash, trying to snatch treats from your hand, etc. A senior dog who just wants to snooze might also be good for some gentle petting, (if they wag their tail when you approach/dont' want to be just left alone) but just again, remember with senior dogs, they have aches and pains (sore hips, etc.) and you might press on a spot and hurt the dog by accident.
posted by cairdeas at 10:26 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Can you hang out with dogs in a low stress situation where you are likely to only run into relaxed, non-aggressive dogs? Animal shelters are pretty stressful environments all on their own, and dogs in a shelter environment may not behave the way they normally would.
But, like, what about visiting a dog daycare or dog park? Do you have a friend with a gentle dog you could hang out with? On the off chance that you live in the LA area, I nominate my own "very mellow lab", if you don't have any other ideas.
posted by Sara C. at 10:46 PM on September 9, 2013
But, like, what about visiting a dog daycare or dog park? Do you have a friend with a gentle dog you could hang out with? On the off chance that you live in the LA area, I nominate my own "very mellow lab", if you don't have any other ideas.
posted by Sara C. at 10:46 PM on September 9, 2013
Be calm around calm dogs. If you know someone who has an old, lazy dog, spend some time in a room with it. Bonus points if you can relax and read a book. More bonus points if you can stroke the dog. This is called desensitisation. You can train your brain to not engage in fight or flight around dogs by showing it that not all dogs are a threat. If you can show it that dogs can actually be a source of pleasure, even better.
Start of low and small, maybe even with a sleepy dog that's been crated. Work your way up gently to petting the dog. Take the smallest thing you can, a situation in which you're relaxed and calm around a dog, and start there. It might be knowing that there is a dog in another room of the house, for example. If you can do that calmly, then try opening the door to the other room without the dog being able to come near you. Maybe its owner has it on a lead or something. Then look into the room with the dog. All the time, breathe deep and stay calm. No rushing!
You can totally train yourself out of this behaviour. It's not hardwired in to the brain, or everyone would be petrified of dogs at all times. Since you learned this as some point, you can unlearn it. Just take it steady and slow, like an old dog.
posted by Solomon at 3:39 AM on September 10, 2013
Start of low and small, maybe even with a sleepy dog that's been crated. Work your way up gently to petting the dog. Take the smallest thing you can, a situation in which you're relaxed and calm around a dog, and start there. It might be knowing that there is a dog in another room of the house, for example. If you can do that calmly, then try opening the door to the other room without the dog being able to come near you. Maybe its owner has it on a lead or something. Then look into the room with the dog. All the time, breathe deep and stay calm. No rushing!
You can totally train yourself out of this behaviour. It's not hardwired in to the brain, or everyone would be petrified of dogs at all times. Since you learned this as some point, you can unlearn it. Just take it steady and slow, like an old dog.
posted by Solomon at 3:39 AM on September 10, 2013
One piece of practical advice I got from someone who works with dogs on a daily basis and also teaches obedience training: if you want to keep a dog from jumping up against you or otherwise approach you in a way you don't like, stand still, fold your arms across your chest and tuck away your hands under your armpits (dogs tend to focus on hands) and look away from the dog (dogs may regard eye contact as a challenge or as an invitation to get cosy).
posted by rjs at 9:51 AM on September 10, 2013
posted by rjs at 9:51 AM on September 10, 2013
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In a nutshell, you've been "trained" to be afraid of dogs due to adverse conditioning. I suspect you already know what it looks like to appear "confident" around dogs, you just need to find a safe way to practice that and regain a positive sense about dogs.
You may want to contact a local therapy dog organization. They may be able to connect you with a dog that is trained to be super gentle and calm, giving you a chance to re-acclimate to being around a pup. It's just going to take some time.
posted by HuronBob at 9:43 PM on September 9, 2013