Relationship ambivalence- move with SO or go?
September 9, 2013 5:51 PM Subscribe
I'm trying to understand why I am having such doubt about my 1-year-ish relationship. Whenever I feel like I've made my mind up to stay or go, a week later I feel differently. At this point, I don't trust my own judgement and could really use outside perspectives. He's moving for work soon and, given my doubts, should I move with him? Or just break things off and take a job where I can get one- overseas?
posted by dollyllama to human relations (26 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I began having second thoughts about my boyfriend (he's 30, I'm 35) pretty early on. When we met, I was in the process of a divorce, and my boyfriend was too. We knew each other through work. I knew he was going through a divorce too, so I invited him for a beer. Honestly, I was just looking to get laid but as we got to know each other, I felt something special with him.
We moved in together way too quickly and I started feeling the whiplash a few months into it. Smothered. Trapped. Etc. I talked with him about it, and he was kinda like- well, here we are now, the lease is signed, what can we do about it?
On top of that, there are some issues that I'm not sure can be changed. Some his, some mine. He's a bit needy and controlling in a codependent way. I'm physically turned off by him. (He's finally stopped blowing his nose in his hand and wiping it on his shirt, but he still eats like a barnyard animal.) Basically, he's got this sorta not-quite-grown-up vibe which is fun, but not where I want to spend the rest of my life.
I know deep down I didn't give myself enough time to be on my own after my divorce. The idea of taking a job offer overseas (which is what I would have done if I hadn't met my BF) has never totally left me. I'm struggling to find work here and I get really excited when I think about starting a career overseas. But I fear that I will regret leaving my boyfriend. He can be gross, but he really is a sweetheart. One of a kind. We care about each other deeply. I don't have much of a relationship with my family and not a good support system. Will I be able to handle the emotional whiplash of a breakup during such a drastic life change as moving to another country? How will I overcome my doubts in the grip of homesickness? Maybe my doubts are normal and I'm just nitpicking him to death?
Our relationship counselor says I'm not ready for a relationship, but I'm not ready to go overseas either.
I have to get over this. The limbo sucks for all parties. He's moving for work soon and it's expected that I'm moving with him. I feel like I'm just using him if I move with him, buying myself some time. More time to be certain about the relationship and a chance to get on my own two feet in a new city. If I were able to support myself without leaving the country, would that change the dynamic of our relationship and make things better? Would a fresh start help my perspective?
Or am I just kidding myself?
Staying in my current town on my own isn't an option financially. So, it's- breakup and go overseas asap, or move with boyfriend and see how things develop.