Dad being a friend, not a father figure.
September 7, 2013 10:12 AM Subscribe
Am I a bad son for feeling this way?
I think, by all accounts, I have a great father. He is a good person, has always treated his kids well and stayed together (up until last year) with my Mom for years despite their marriage being on the rocks, for the good of his kids.
However, he has recently ran into some financial difficulties. This has necessitated him staying with me and my brother in our small little apartment. Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. We are glad to have him until he lands on his feet and is financially able to move out.
My problem with my Dad is that he wants to spend every waking moment that he is not working with his two kids. He wants to join me and my brother in everything that we do, such as playing sports. I guess these could be considered "family-bonding" sessions, but the problem is that he is in his 50s and we are in our mid-20s. My Dad was ever present throughout our childhood and teenage years, and there are no extenuating issues arising from that. I think the issue may be that he is bored. He only has a few select friends and ever since the divorce he has financially struggled.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I love my Dad, and maybe the issue is with me, as I am financially struggling and dependent on my brother for most of my living expenses. But I don't think its too much to ask for, for your Dad to give you some distance and be less of a friend and more of a father figure. I have many friends, so I don't need that from him.
I think, by all accounts, I have a great father. He is a good person, has always treated his kids well and stayed together (up until last year) with my Mom for years despite their marriage being on the rocks, for the good of his kids.
However, he has recently ran into some financial difficulties. This has necessitated him staying with me and my brother in our small little apartment. Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. We are glad to have him until he lands on his feet and is financially able to move out.
My problem with my Dad is that he wants to spend every waking moment that he is not working with his two kids. He wants to join me and my brother in everything that we do, such as playing sports. I guess these could be considered "family-bonding" sessions, but the problem is that he is in his 50s and we are in our mid-20s. My Dad was ever present throughout our childhood and teenage years, and there are no extenuating issues arising from that. I think the issue may be that he is bored. He only has a few select friends and ever since the divorce he has financially struggled.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I love my Dad, and maybe the issue is with me, as I am financially struggling and dependent on my brother for most of my living expenses. But I don't think its too much to ask for, for your Dad to give you some distance and be less of a friend and more of a father figure. I have many friends, so I don't need that from him.
Children look to get needs met from their parents, and rightfully so. But when you are an adult, your relationships are less one-way -- it's not just about what you need, but also about what the other person needs.
You're not wrong to feel what you feel, because they are your feelings. But you are getting to the age where it's a good idea to start adjusting your relationship with parents, so that it's a relationship between two adults. You're not a bad son for thinking what you think, but you are acting a bit young.
What I can promise you is, if your father has been pretty good to you, and you turn him away in his one time of need after all these decades of taking care of you, you will one day feel very bad about it.
Maybe treat your father the way your brother treats you?
posted by Houstonian at 10:44 AM on September 7, 2013 [36 favorites]
You're not wrong to feel what you feel, because they are your feelings. But you are getting to the age where it's a good idea to start adjusting your relationship with parents, so that it's a relationship between two adults. You're not a bad son for thinking what you think, but you are acting a bit young.
What I can promise you is, if your father has been pretty good to you, and you turn him away in his one time of need after all these decades of taking care of you, you will one day feel very bad about it.
Maybe treat your father the way your brother treats you?
posted by Houstonian at 10:44 AM on September 7, 2013 [36 favorites]
Sounds like your dad is in a tough place in his life and needs some support. He was a "great father" to you, and is now in a time of need. Not to get all "filial piety" on you, but it sounds like you should give some of yourself and help the old man out. You'll both be better for it.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I love my Dad
Someone once said, love is something you do, not something you feel.
Prove it.
posted by charlemangy at 10:46 AM on September 7, 2013 [11 favorites]
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I love my Dad
Someone once said, love is something you do, not something you feel.
Prove it.
posted by charlemangy at 10:46 AM on September 7, 2013 [11 favorites]
Your father just lost his wife to a divorce. He's not bored -- I think he's lonely and concerned that in divorcing your mother he's going to lose you too. Consider how adrift he might feel, and look for ways to empathize with him.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:48 AM on September 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:48 AM on September 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
But I don't think its too much to ask for, for your Dad to give you some distance and be less of a friend and more of a father figure. I have many friends, so I don't need that from him.
I don't see the current answers tackling this side of the equation.
I do think it is great that collectively you and your brother are helping him get on his feet and spending time with him. However, I don't think spending every single part of the day with you is healthy, either.
I've had a few friends go through divorces and it was absolutely devastating to some of them. There was one friend in particular who called me every single night for several months because in addition to the loneliness and loss of self confidence, she didn't know what to do with her time.She had never developed any hobbies, friends, or interests outside that relationship in her early to late 20s. For that person, I listed my own hobbies and she tried doing them on her own time (and picked her own, too), but I did not and could spend every second of the day with her.
If I were in your shoes,I would tell him that you love him and want to support him in any way that you can.
But you do need some with just your friends.You do want to spend time with and could you (eat dinner with him each out, go and out and do X each week), pick some things and give him some time (as in, don't close the door on him). You may want to talk through what he is feeling and what his needs are. Does he want more friends? Interests? Groups? Gently suggest support groups, reaching out to older friends, whatever it is that may meet his current needs.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 11:01 AM on September 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't see the current answers tackling this side of the equation.
I do think it is great that collectively you and your brother are helping him get on his feet and spending time with him. However, I don't think spending every single part of the day with you is healthy, either.
I've had a few friends go through divorces and it was absolutely devastating to some of them. There was one friend in particular who called me every single night for several months because in addition to the loneliness and loss of self confidence, she didn't know what to do with her time.She had never developed any hobbies, friends, or interests outside that relationship in her early to late 20s. For that person, I listed my own hobbies and she tried doing them on her own time (and picked her own, too), but I did not and could spend every second of the day with her.
If I were in your shoes,I would tell him that you love him and want to support him in any way that you can.
But you do need some with just your friends.You do want to spend time with and could you (eat dinner with him each out, go and out and do X each week), pick some things and give him some time (as in, don't close the door on him). You may want to talk through what he is feeling and what his needs are. Does he want more friends? Interests? Groups? Gently suggest support groups, reaching out to older friends, whatever it is that may meet his current needs.
Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 11:01 AM on September 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
... so it is not your dad is depending on you for living assistance, but you and your dad are depending on your brother?
FWIW, I think setting some boundaries is well and fine. But also you may well need to make time to be with your father more than usual for awhile. If he was as great a father as you say it may well be time to suck it up and pay it back a little that is kind of how families are suppose to work ideally. Yes every waking moment is excessive and some personal time is important, how you navigate that is a delicate thing, Wolfster has some good suggestions.
(and, uh, have you talked to your brother about this? Because he seems to be carrying both of you at this time and may well need more than you realize and may have some more pertinent insight then us strangers)
posted by edgeways at 11:04 AM on September 7, 2013 [6 favorites]
FWIW, I think setting some boundaries is well and fine. But also you may well need to make time to be with your father more than usual for awhile. If he was as great a father as you say it may well be time to suck it up and pay it back a little that is kind of how families are suppose to work ideally. Yes every waking moment is excessive and some personal time is important, how you navigate that is a delicate thing, Wolfster has some good suggestions.
(and, uh, have you talked to your brother about this? Because he seems to be carrying both of you at this time and may well need more than you realize and may have some more pertinent insight then us strangers)
posted by edgeways at 11:04 AM on September 7, 2013 [6 favorites]
This is an awesome opportunity for you to give something back to your dad. Not every child gets this. Take full advantage.
posted by sid at 11:07 AM on September 7, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by sid at 11:07 AM on September 7, 2013 [7 favorites]
You are no longer a child and it's not only about your needs.
Your dad needs some emotional support during a difficult transition. You need some financial support. Certainly it's fine to carve out some alone time, but helping your Dad through this is a good thing. That doesn't mean you need to be with him every moment; helping him find age appropriate friends and activities is helpful.
Also, you refer to the apartment as belonging to your brother and you, but then say your brother is paying for it. Why are you more entitled to that apartment than your father?
It sounds like for many years your dad made a ton of choices to put his kids first. Time to reciprocate.
posted by 26.2 at 11:17 AM on September 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your dad needs some emotional support during a difficult transition. You need some financial support. Certainly it's fine to carve out some alone time, but helping your Dad through this is a good thing. That doesn't mean you need to be with him every moment; helping him find age appropriate friends and activities is helpful.
Also, you refer to the apartment as belonging to your brother and you, but then say your brother is paying for it. Why are you more entitled to that apartment than your father?
It sounds like for many years your dad made a ton of choices to put his kids first. Time to reciprocate.
posted by 26.2 at 11:17 AM on September 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm going to disagree with everyone! You're three people living in a small apartment - that can send anyone up the wall. As a result of the small apartment, you don't have very much privacy/alone time. If you're at all like me, this sort of arrangement - intense physical and emotional intimacy plus disruption to my usual physical habits (like you're saying you can't get your usual exercise) - this will send you up the fucking wall, cause fights and ultimately deteriorate your relationship.
There are two separate issues here - it's perfectly appropriate for your dad to relate to you as an adult and less of a "father figure" (I mean, presumably you don't want him telling you how late you can stay out, etc.) But it may be maddening and destructive to be with him all the time in one tiny apartment. "Giving back" does not mean "make yourself crazy until you snap" unless we're talking cancer or PTSD-level stuff here.
So - you all need to live like three people in a tiny apartment - that means figuring out ways for you to have some privacy. If you have your own room, spend more time there. (Is your dad sleeping on the couch so that someone is always in the common space?) If you and your brother share a room, talk with him about ways to increase your feeling of privacy in the room - the use of headphones when using the internet, watching movies, etc.
Start a hobby that your dad can't join you on - take a class and announce it after you've registered, do something that you go to straight from work. Meet your friends straight after work. Double up your errands and alone time - ie, go to the library or out for a run as part of going to the grocery store. Can you get up really early and do some kind of vigorous physical activity on your own? That will probably cut your stress levels.
Of course you should and can spend lots of time with your dad! It doesn't sound like you don't want to spend time with your dad or support him, it just sounds like you need some alone time, and you'll probably have more fun with your dad and be a better kid if you get some time by yourself.
posted by Frowner at 11:23 AM on September 7, 2013 [13 favorites]
There are two separate issues here - it's perfectly appropriate for your dad to relate to you as an adult and less of a "father figure" (I mean, presumably you don't want him telling you how late you can stay out, etc.) But it may be maddening and destructive to be with him all the time in one tiny apartment. "Giving back" does not mean "make yourself crazy until you snap" unless we're talking cancer or PTSD-level stuff here.
So - you all need to live like three people in a tiny apartment - that means figuring out ways for you to have some privacy. If you have your own room, spend more time there. (Is your dad sleeping on the couch so that someone is always in the common space?) If you and your brother share a room, talk with him about ways to increase your feeling of privacy in the room - the use of headphones when using the internet, watching movies, etc.
Start a hobby that your dad can't join you on - take a class and announce it after you've registered, do something that you go to straight from work. Meet your friends straight after work. Double up your errands and alone time - ie, go to the library or out for a run as part of going to the grocery store. Can you get up really early and do some kind of vigorous physical activity on your own? That will probably cut your stress levels.
Of course you should and can spend lots of time with your dad! It doesn't sound like you don't want to spend time with your dad or support him, it just sounds like you need some alone time, and you'll probably have more fun with your dad and be a better kid if you get some time by yourself.
posted by Frowner at 11:23 AM on September 7, 2013 [13 favorites]
I'm in my 40s. If my mother had her way, I would spend every waking moment with her, doing all her yardwork, escorting her to obscure literary events (a replacement for my father, who enjoyed doing those things), and just sitting in the other room for hours at a time so that she could be near me, or something. She wanted me to quit my job with benefits once, so that I could support her on a crazy self-publishing scheme. From the time I was 21, I've had to learn to set boundaries.
I do this is many different ways, but a phrase that I use often is "no, sorry, that is not possible." Want to go to a (boring, obscure) author lecture with me? No, that is not possible. But I'm lonely. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
This does NOT mean that I ignore her completely. If there's a movie or concert that I know we would both enjoy, I invite her to it. I listen patiently to her latest schemes and say "good luck," while at the same time refusing to participate in them. I often send her funny cat pictures and ask how she's doing.
At the moment, you might consider spending a tad more time with him since he's hurting, but absolutely draw some boundaries and stick to them. He is not entitled to interfere with your friendships. He was 21 once and had his chance to be young, now it's your turn. He needs to take some responsibility for his loneliness. (Again, I'm not saying that you should neglect him entirely, just that he has some responsibility for his happiness.)
posted by sockerpup at 11:25 AM on September 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
I do this is many different ways, but a phrase that I use often is "no, sorry, that is not possible." Want to go to a (boring, obscure) author lecture with me? No, that is not possible. But I'm lonely. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
This does NOT mean that I ignore her completely. If there's a movie or concert that I know we would both enjoy, I invite her to it. I listen patiently to her latest schemes and say "good luck," while at the same time refusing to participate in them. I often send her funny cat pictures and ask how she's doing.
At the moment, you might consider spending a tad more time with him since he's hurting, but absolutely draw some boundaries and stick to them. He is not entitled to interfere with your friendships. He was 21 once and had his chance to be young, now it's your turn. He needs to take some responsibility for his loneliness. (Again, I'm not saying that you should neglect him entirely, just that he has some responsibility for his happiness.)
posted by sockerpup at 11:25 AM on September 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Am I wrong for feeling this way? I love my Dad, and maybe the issue is with me, as I am financially struggling and dependent on my brother for most of my living expenses. But I don't think its too much to ask for, for your Dad to give you some distance and be less of a friend and more of a father figure. I have many friends, so I don't need that from him.
I agree with edgeways.
You're not wrong, but I think you'd better suck it up and keep your dad occupied to take the pressure off your brother, or the whole situation could collapse and both you and your dad could be looking for new places to live.
posted by jamjam at 11:25 AM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree with edgeways.
You're not wrong, but I think you'd better suck it up and keep your dad occupied to take the pressure off your brother, or the whole situation could collapse and both you and your dad could be looking for new places to live.
posted by jamjam at 11:25 AM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't think you can be a bad person for having feelings. Your dad is going through a pretty traumatic time and you and your bro are supporting him as best you can. How lovely is that? You are bound to find the situation difficult at times and maybe you and the old man need to chat it over before the tensions escalate. Good luck.
posted by BenPens at 11:34 AM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by BenPens at 11:34 AM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's right for you to help him in the way that you are, and it's right for him to give you some time and space to yourself.
As a guiding principle, just put yourself in his shoes. Doesn't mean you can't draw fair boundaries, just try to behave as you'd like your son to behave if you ever have this happen to you. "Pop, I'll be home around midnight tonight. Sorry I can't ask you to join, I'm going to a thing where it'd be awkward to bring guests. Love you, see you later."
It sounds like you need to put yourself in your brother's shoes too. Ask him how he's holding up and how you can help.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:42 AM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
As a guiding principle, just put yourself in his shoes. Doesn't mean you can't draw fair boundaries, just try to behave as you'd like your son to behave if you ever have this happen to you. "Pop, I'll be home around midnight tonight. Sorry I can't ask you to join, I'm going to a thing where it'd be awkward to bring guests. Love you, see you later."
It sounds like you need to put yourself in your brother's shoes too. Ask him how he's holding up and how you can help.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:42 AM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree with Frowner.
You're not bad for feeling the way you feel. You can be supportive and maintain some boundaries at the same time. Even though you are an adult, you are still his son, and you shouldn't be the primary source of emotional support for him. Take some time for yourself, go out with your friends on your own. Encourage your dad to find some things to do on his own. And maybe check in with your brother about how he's feeling/what you might do to help him a bit.
posted by Specklet at 11:59 AM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
You're not bad for feeling the way you feel. You can be supportive and maintain some boundaries at the same time. Even though you are an adult, you are still his son, and you shouldn't be the primary source of emotional support for him. Take some time for yourself, go out with your friends on your own. Encourage your dad to find some things to do on his own. And maybe check in with your brother about how he's feeling/what you might do to help him a bit.
posted by Specklet at 11:59 AM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Where is your mother, his ex-wife, in this equation? Would she have any suggestions to ease his transition from married to divorced? Did the friends they had as a couple side with her in the divorce, leaving him with no one? Why is his financial situation so severe? Enormous alimony that might be lessened, or just huge lawyer fees? Is he employed? If he is not, he needs to find a job ASAP, or if that is not possible, he needs to volunteer. He needs to find projects that are not tied to his children.
posted by Cranberry at 12:33 PM on September 7, 2013
posted by Cranberry at 12:33 PM on September 7, 2013
How does your brother feel? Because he's financially supporting three people, and you and your dad are both guests in his apartment, so I think you need to talk to him and find out how you can support him. Then, you can talk with your dad to figure out how to keep both of you sane while helping your brother. Maybe the major activity you and your dad should be doing together is looking for or working towards better paying jobs so that you can support yourselves financially. That could be something you could do together that would drive you less crazy and that would help to resolve the situation once and for all.
posted by decathecting at 12:48 PM on September 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 12:48 PM on September 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
I say introduce him to some things he might enjoy that are specifically for men his age. In a lot of places there are soccer leagues and so forth that are for men who are 50+. You can also look for MeetUp groups along similar themes that fit his interests.
It's a great excuse for him to go out and do something where he might meet new friends and you wouldn't be going because you're not in the right age group. And you're being a supportive son by helping him connect with these activities and people (if he doesn't have the motivation to do this for himself right now)...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:18 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's a great excuse for him to go out and do something where he might meet new friends and you wouldn't be going because you're not in the right age group. And you're being a supportive son by helping him connect with these activities and people (if he doesn't have the motivation to do this for himself right now)...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:18 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
You are in your mid-20s. Time to stop expecting your father to be a father figure. Part of becoming an adult is realizing that our parents are just people.
Even so, your father should afford you the room you need to continue making a life of your own.
Similarly, you should be able to ask your father for that room, while at the same time helping him through a difficult time and reassuring him that his is and will continue to be an important part of his life.
I'll tell you though, my father was a good father to us growing up. He had his issues, but considering them, it might be fairer to say that he was a remarkably good father. By the time I was in my mid-20s though, those issues had caught up with him. My mother divorced him, reconciled for a while, and then split with him again. He became more distant, and then his liver finally had enough and he went from mostly functional to dead in the space of 9 months. In many ways, his death was a mercy for him, and a relief for us. Still, I think I'd rather be in your shoes as uncomfortable as they may be right now, to have the chance to know my father from the perspective of being his adult son, rather than his child. Best wishes to all of you.
posted by Good Brain at 2:28 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Even so, your father should afford you the room you need to continue making a life of your own.
Similarly, you should be able to ask your father for that room, while at the same time helping him through a difficult time and reassuring him that his is and will continue to be an important part of his life.
I'll tell you though, my father was a good father to us growing up. He had his issues, but considering them, it might be fairer to say that he was a remarkably good father. By the time I was in my mid-20s though, those issues had caught up with him. My mother divorced him, reconciled for a while, and then split with him again. He became more distant, and then his liver finally had enough and he went from mostly functional to dead in the space of 9 months. In many ways, his death was a mercy for him, and a relief for us. Still, I think I'd rather be in your shoes as uncomfortable as they may be right now, to have the chance to know my father from the perspective of being his adult son, rather than his child. Best wishes to all of you.
posted by Good Brain at 2:28 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Everybody in this equation needs space and a chance to develop their own interests and lead their own life. If this were a marriage, I doubt that people would suggest you should be living in each other's pockets all the time, or always do the exact same thing together.
Helping prep and cook, then eating meals together a couple times a week, watching a game on weekends, running an errand or two, and maybe tossing a ball around once in a while are fine, but all of you need time to go out and do your own thing, whether it be grabbing a brew with a friend, dating, or just hitting the library. Your dad needs to start getting his life together, finding friends of his own, dating, joining a club--whatever. He's not 20; you're not 50. Your lives and interests should be varied.
One of the ways you can support both him and your brother is to spend time, just you and your dad, working on resumes and doing job searches. It's great to have someone to encourage you, and it will give your brother a boost to know that you're both serious about getting financially independent.
Not to say you need to spend all your time with your dad, and you need to let him know you need your space. If he starts crowding, you need to let him know that you already have an independent life, and that he's your dad, not your friend. "I love you, dad, and I'll see you when I get back. We'll do X, Y, or Z later/tomorrow/this weekend."
posted by BlueHorse at 2:59 PM on September 7, 2013
Helping prep and cook, then eating meals together a couple times a week, watching a game on weekends, running an errand or two, and maybe tossing a ball around once in a while are fine, but all of you need time to go out and do your own thing, whether it be grabbing a brew with a friend, dating, or just hitting the library. Your dad needs to start getting his life together, finding friends of his own, dating, joining a club--whatever. He's not 20; you're not 50. Your lives and interests should be varied.
One of the ways you can support both him and your brother is to spend time, just you and your dad, working on resumes and doing job searches. It's great to have someone to encourage you, and it will give your brother a boost to know that you're both serious about getting financially independent.
Not to say you need to spend all your time with your dad, and you need to let him know you need your space. If he starts crowding, you need to let him know that you already have an independent life, and that he's your dad, not your friend. "I love you, dad, and I'll see you when I get back. We'll do X, Y, or Z later/tomorrow/this weekend."
posted by BlueHorse at 2:59 PM on September 7, 2013
Y'all need to get a lot more jobs, if you can, however you can. You're now a one-income household of three people. How is this ever going to change? What if something happens to your brother's job? Are you guys literally a couple months of one person's paycheck from hitting the skids? It would be really disturbing if you all went down together.
Bonus: if you all start working more, you won't be in each other's hair.
But yeah, this situation would drive me up the wall. You're not at all crazy for needing some space and time. Parents are different when you're an adult—but you wouldn't spend every moment with a friend, either! Boundaries, space, privacy and time to let off steam are extra-important when sharing a small place.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:16 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Bonus: if you all start working more, you won't be in each other's hair.
But yeah, this situation would drive me up the wall. You're not at all crazy for needing some space and time. Parents are different when you're an adult—but you wouldn't spend every moment with a friend, either! Boundaries, space, privacy and time to let off steam are extra-important when sharing a small place.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:16 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are a lot of things here that we just don't know. How long this has been going on, particularly. But the whole thing is a little hard to parse. When you say he wants to spend all his time with you like playing sports, does that mean he asks you to go outside and shoot baskets, or does it mean that you're going to a pickup game with your friends and he wants to play, or does it mean that you're on a team and he comes to watch your games?
My point isn't really to ask you to answer all these questions; it's to encourage you to think of this as a complicated, nuanced problem with a lot of moving parts, and not as a binary matter of whether you're a good son or a bad son. The really bad sons don't worry about whether they're bad sons for not wanting to be with their dads all the time. I don't think you're a bad son.
But everybody who's told you that you have to be prepared to have a more reciprocal relationship with your parents as you get older is right, too. In the long run, this can actually be really rewarding, but it can be disorienting at first. Rather than fretting about whether a desire for personal space makes you an ingrate, think about what he needs and what you can do within reason to help him. (I don't think involving your mom is a good idea; it's not her job to manage his post-divorce life.) Wanting to set boundaries does not make you a bad son, but when you set boundaries, you have to take into account how they'll affect other people -- just like you do with anyone, not just with your parents.
Try to relax about your conflicted feelings. Everybody has family stuff. You don't have to keep saying how great your dad is; it's clear that you love him. It's okay to love him but also feel crowded by him when he's suddenly living with you and you're not used to navigating a new relationship with him yet. Give yourself a break, and give him a break as well. Take him to breakfast and listen to him talk, but reserve the right to sometimes announce without notice that you're going out and will be back at XYZ time, without explaining or inviting. You are entitled to some social time to yourself, and recognizing that your dad is an independent human being with his own needs, while it's critical, doesn't require you to do whatever he wants all the time.
What love requires of you is that you act lovingly, you know? I actually think it will be easier for you to be kind to your dad if you are kind to yourself first and acknowledge that you do love him, and he needs some extra TLC right now, but you also can set some time aside for yourself without feeling tense and nervous that you're hurting him.
Worry less. Give lots of hugs (or back-slaps, or whatever you do in your family). Listen to him. Let him get used to being alone sometimes and having that be okay. Baby steps. He knows you love him.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:26 PM on September 7, 2013
My point isn't really to ask you to answer all these questions; it's to encourage you to think of this as a complicated, nuanced problem with a lot of moving parts, and not as a binary matter of whether you're a good son or a bad son. The really bad sons don't worry about whether they're bad sons for not wanting to be with their dads all the time. I don't think you're a bad son.
But everybody who's told you that you have to be prepared to have a more reciprocal relationship with your parents as you get older is right, too. In the long run, this can actually be really rewarding, but it can be disorienting at first. Rather than fretting about whether a desire for personal space makes you an ingrate, think about what he needs and what you can do within reason to help him. (I don't think involving your mom is a good idea; it's not her job to manage his post-divorce life.) Wanting to set boundaries does not make you a bad son, but when you set boundaries, you have to take into account how they'll affect other people -- just like you do with anyone, not just with your parents.
Try to relax about your conflicted feelings. Everybody has family stuff. You don't have to keep saying how great your dad is; it's clear that you love him. It's okay to love him but also feel crowded by him when he's suddenly living with you and you're not used to navigating a new relationship with him yet. Give yourself a break, and give him a break as well. Take him to breakfast and listen to him talk, but reserve the right to sometimes announce without notice that you're going out and will be back at XYZ time, without explaining or inviting. You are entitled to some social time to yourself, and recognizing that your dad is an independent human being with his own needs, while it's critical, doesn't require you to do whatever he wants all the time.
What love requires of you is that you act lovingly, you know? I actually think it will be easier for you to be kind to your dad if you are kind to yourself first and acknowledge that you do love him, and he needs some extra TLC right now, but you also can set some time aside for yourself without feeling tense and nervous that you're hurting him.
Worry less. Give lots of hugs (or back-slaps, or whatever you do in your family). Listen to him. Let him get used to being alone sometimes and having that be okay. Baby steps. He knows you love him.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:26 PM on September 7, 2013
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Why not focus on trying to get him out and socializing more? When he makes new friends, and eventually starts dating again, that may help him need you less.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:36 AM on September 7, 2013 [11 favorites]