Should I asked this guy if he's still interested?
September 5, 2013 9:28 PM Subscribe
I proposed a date to a guy I'm seeing casually, and he turned it down without offering another solution. I'm starting to feel that I'm putting in more effort than I should at this point. Should I ask him if he still wants to date in general?
posted by thick woolen socks to human relations (26 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I'm likely overthinking this, but here goes. I'm a late 20's gal, dating again a year after my first-and-only long term relationship. Please help me figure out this dating situation. The progression has been like this:
- I met B (guy approximately the same age) through OKCupid around two months ago. In the messaging phase I wasn't swept away, but I dug him when I met him in person - he's cute, funny, smart and kind.
- Mostly due to my busy schedule in the beginning, we saw each other a bit infrequently (once every 1-2 weeks). I initiated almost all date plans. I'm a planner, he is spontaneous. We also have really different schedules; I have a day job, while he's a musician who works part-time (often evenings and weekends).
- We started sleeping together. It is (was?) pretty great.
- When we hooked up for the second time, he initiated a conversation about what I was looking for. I said I was looking for something that was casual and fun and not necessarily monogamous until things got more serious. He agreed, all was good.
- We continued the casual dating. I ended things with a different guy I was seeing (also casually). B made an offhand reference that he was still sleeping with another girl.
- When we're together, he's really nice and we act couple-y. I've met some of his friends.
- Our last date was pretty intense sexually, and I opened up to him about some parts of my life (opinions, experiences, etc.) that made me feel pretty vulnerable.
- After this, he went on tour for three weeks. I knew I wouldn't see him for this time. I texted him a few times, and he answered, although not with a lot of follow up. I was a bit disappointed but understood he was busy. I also realized that the casual/non-exclusive nature of our relationship wasn't really working for me anymore.
- He contacted me via text again today and we caught up. After some back-and-forth I asked if he would be interested in doing a specific activity on a specific day next week. He said he was interested but was busy with other things that day. All cool, which is what I said to him. But then he didn't suggest another day or date. In fact, the conversation fizzled after that.
I'm a bit perturbed here. I normally have no issues ignoring dating "rules" (ie. game playing) and just pursue the things I want - messaging guys when I want to, seeing them again when I want to, etc. And I do want to see this guy again, but I'm wondering if he's sending me the message that he's not interested by doing this. Even if that's not the case, I'm not interested in a relationship where I have to do all the work so that we can see each other... my willingness to organize our time contributed to my codependence and breakup in my last relationship.
Then again, we are explicitly casual! We never had a conversation about relationship expectations, since we're not in a serious relationship. Maybe I'm annoyed at him for not doing things that I never made clear that I wanted, or things that are unreasonable for our status. I'm not even sure if I want to be exclusive or not! My plan was to have another date with him to remember our dynamics and everything, then bring up the idea of dating exclusively after some more thinking. Also, since we haven't seen each other for a while, some of this might be "absence makes the heart grow fonder"-type idealism.
I was thinking about sending him a message asking if he was interested in seeing me again in general, since I'm having a bit of trouble figuring that out. My questions:
a) Should I send the text, or should I just leave it and see if he messages back? I'm trying to communicate directly here, but now I'm worried that text is actually passive-agressive.
b) Is there a different approach I should consider?*
* I know some people are going to say CALL HIM AND STOP TEXTING YOU SILLY MILLENNIAL GENERATION GOOFBALL, but we've never talked on the phone at all, and it seems like that would ramp up the seriousness level a lot. Plus I'm way more passive aggressive when I have to talk on the phone... emotions are scary.