Stress + Anxiety = Sleep problems
September 5, 2013 6:45 AM Subscribe
I work at a small shelter in the Midwest, working with clients who struggle with substance abuse, domestic violence, etc. It's an amazing job, but at the same time, it's incredibly stressful. Until this week, I thought I might be about to hit the point of burnout. Then my partner pointed out to me, very gently, that that isn't the only thing going on. I sat down and looked at this summer's happenings, and I feel like an idiot: he's right, there's a lot of stuff I'm not handling well at all.
I need help getting my sleep schedule back to normal, and to get rid of, or at least slow down, the serious case of hamster brain I've got. Books, YouTube videos, anything is welcome.
(Anonymous, with details changed, to prevent anyone reading this who shouldn't.) Apologies for the length and rambling. I swear I'm usually much more coherent and focused than this, but I'm using most of my energy to hold it together at work.
Everything went wrong about a month ago, over a period of about three weeks. First, our director was not only fired, but arrested for what amounts to theft; there's still the possibility that we're going to be shut down permanently, due to lack of funds if we lose our grants due to his actions. Then, through a security loophole, someone got access to my bank information and took nearly 1/4 of what was in my account. It was resolved after a lot of worry & a lot of lost sleep.
And finally, my mother (from whom my siblings & I have been estranged for nearly a decade-- both she & my father, who died about five years ago, were abusive) passed away, leaving us with a house that's still in my father's name, a pile of debt... and a half-sibling we'd never heard of, who she essentially abandoned to grow up in poverty (as in, no running water, no electricity) with her parents; and in the 40 years between their birth and her death, she never bothered to contact them.
The consequence is pretty major sleep disruption. I wake up constantly, thinking of this problem at work, or something my father said thirty years ago, or that person I have to call. The hamster brain-- when that thought, whatever it is, gets going in my head and just keeps going-- kicks in, and then I can't get back to sleep, so I'm running on 4-5 broken hours of sleep a day. This is obviously affecting my ability to work.
For instance, I find myself getting resentful over client complaints; sarcasm and sometimes outright hostility are pretty common here, but it's bothering me in a way that hasn't happened for years. Stats and paperwork are getting harder to do. I actually cried walking home from work the other day, out of nowhere, for no reason.
What are some self-help methods I can use to get my brain back under control?
Things I'm taking into account already:
Support: My partner is incredibly supportive, but what's going on here is strictly in my own head. (He offered to take on the housework so I'd have more free time, but I actually find cleaning kind of relaxing, because it's so simple; and I don't know what I'd've done without him here.) My co-workers know what happened, and my supervisor insisted on my taking a couple of sick days to try and rest, but this isn't their problem, it's mine. (It didn't work, but the effort really did help.) My siblings obviously have their own struggles, and our newly found half-sibling is understandably kind of shell-shocked; I don't have words enough to say how incredibly badly I feel for her.
Counseling: Working on finding someone who can meet with me during my waking hours, as I work night shift. As messed up as my sleep schedule is, I really don't want to make things worse by having to give up 1-2 hours in the middle of the day to get to a counselor.
Drugs: Tylenol PM isn't working consistently anymore. Neither is melatonin.
Exercise & avoiding caffeine: I'm getting about 30 minutes a day of exercise, caffeine 2x a week at most.
Electronics: nothing electronic is allowed in the bedroom unless it's used for an alarm or as a noise generator.
Thanks to anyone who's read through all of this. It's really appreciated.
(Anonymous, with details changed, to prevent anyone reading this who shouldn't.) Apologies for the length and rambling. I swear I'm usually much more coherent and focused than this, but I'm using most of my energy to hold it together at work.
Everything went wrong about a month ago, over a period of about three weeks. First, our director was not only fired, but arrested for what amounts to theft; there's still the possibility that we're going to be shut down permanently, due to lack of funds if we lose our grants due to his actions. Then, through a security loophole, someone got access to my bank information and took nearly 1/4 of what was in my account. It was resolved after a lot of worry & a lot of lost sleep.
And finally, my mother (from whom my siblings & I have been estranged for nearly a decade-- both she & my father, who died about five years ago, were abusive) passed away, leaving us with a house that's still in my father's name, a pile of debt... and a half-sibling we'd never heard of, who she essentially abandoned to grow up in poverty (as in, no running water, no electricity) with her parents; and in the 40 years between their birth and her death, she never bothered to contact them.
The consequence is pretty major sleep disruption. I wake up constantly, thinking of this problem at work, or something my father said thirty years ago, or that person I have to call. The hamster brain-- when that thought, whatever it is, gets going in my head and just keeps going-- kicks in, and then I can't get back to sleep, so I'm running on 4-5 broken hours of sleep a day. This is obviously affecting my ability to work.
For instance, I find myself getting resentful over client complaints; sarcasm and sometimes outright hostility are pretty common here, but it's bothering me in a way that hasn't happened for years. Stats and paperwork are getting harder to do. I actually cried walking home from work the other day, out of nowhere, for no reason.
What are some self-help methods I can use to get my brain back under control?
Things I'm taking into account already:
Support: My partner is incredibly supportive, but what's going on here is strictly in my own head. (He offered to take on the housework so I'd have more free time, but I actually find cleaning kind of relaxing, because it's so simple; and I don't know what I'd've done without him here.) My co-workers know what happened, and my supervisor insisted on my taking a couple of sick days to try and rest, but this isn't their problem, it's mine. (It didn't work, but the effort really did help.) My siblings obviously have their own struggles, and our newly found half-sibling is understandably kind of shell-shocked; I don't have words enough to say how incredibly badly I feel for her.
Counseling: Working on finding someone who can meet with me during my waking hours, as I work night shift. As messed up as my sleep schedule is, I really don't want to make things worse by having to give up 1-2 hours in the middle of the day to get to a counselor.
Drugs: Tylenol PM isn't working consistently anymore. Neither is melatonin.
Exercise & avoiding caffeine: I'm getting about 30 minutes a day of exercise, caffeine 2x a week at most.
Electronics: nothing electronic is allowed in the bedroom unless it's used for an alarm or as a noise generator.
Thanks to anyone who's read through all of this. It's really appreciated.
Holy geez, I was you in 2010 - I'd been unemployed for a year, and the only job I could get was a 2-hour commute with DOUBLE the previous commuting costs, for LESS money than I'd been making, so I was barely keeping afloat much less trying to get caught up on debt; and then that's when my cat started dying, and I was still trying to get over a major breakup. Oh, and at some point someone broke into my apartment and stole my computer, and with it everything I'd written for the previous ten years (yeah, I was an idiot and didn't back things up then). I was A MESS.
What worked for me:
Support and counseling - yeah. Those helped. But I hear you on the finding-someone-with-your-sleep-schedule - I leave it to others to ascertain whether there is an email counseling service that exists? That may help. And don't knock leaning on your partner - I mean, work out with him what you do and don't want him to do and what kind of support you want to give (I can relate to housework being relaxing, but maybe there's one house errand you always end up with that you don't like, maybe he could do that?), or just use him as someone you can whine to. (I totally just whined about something in email to two friends, and I honestly don't even need to hear a response from them, I just needed to say it and I'm better.) Just someone sitting there and listening to you vent, and them understandnig that that's all you want them to do, is a boon.
Drugs: I ended up seeing my doctor about this. I told her that what I'd been taking - melatonin and valerian tea - weren't doing jack shit for me. She said that melatonin doesn't work for everyone, but valerian you need to sort of let it build up for a couple weeks; oh, and that capsules were better. I also heard in askmes in here about magnesium supplements helping a lot, so I also started taking those. My doctor also prescribed me a one-time only prescription for a small bottle of sleep medication, as a last-resort thing - it was also an anti-anxiety medication, I think. I ultimately only took one of those pills on an especially sleepless night, but then never had to again - because the magnesium and valerian started kicking in, and they did help a lot. I still did (and do ) have occasional wakeful nights, but they are nowhere near as frequent, and honestly, finally getting just ONE good nights' sleep took care of a lot of the stress, and that helped perpetuate that feedback loop so the stress became more tolerable and the sleeplessness became more infrequent.
Environment: check how much light your blinds let in while you sleep. I also found that this makes a HUGE difference for me - I seriously have to cover over my alarm clock because even just the display was bright enough to mess me up.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:08 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
What worked for me:
Support and counseling - yeah. Those helped. But I hear you on the finding-someone-with-your-sleep-schedule - I leave it to others to ascertain whether there is an email counseling service that exists? That may help. And don't knock leaning on your partner - I mean, work out with him what you do and don't want him to do and what kind of support you want to give (I can relate to housework being relaxing, but maybe there's one house errand you always end up with that you don't like, maybe he could do that?), or just use him as someone you can whine to. (I totally just whined about something in email to two friends, and I honestly don't even need to hear a response from them, I just needed to say it and I'm better.) Just someone sitting there and listening to you vent, and them understandnig that that's all you want them to do, is a boon.
Drugs: I ended up seeing my doctor about this. I told her that what I'd been taking - melatonin and valerian tea - weren't doing jack shit for me. She said that melatonin doesn't work for everyone, but valerian you need to sort of let it build up for a couple weeks; oh, and that capsules were better. I also heard in askmes in here about magnesium supplements helping a lot, so I also started taking those. My doctor also prescribed me a one-time only prescription for a small bottle of sleep medication, as a last-resort thing - it was also an anti-anxiety medication, I think. I ultimately only took one of those pills on an especially sleepless night, but then never had to again - because the magnesium and valerian started kicking in, and they did help a lot. I still did (and do ) have occasional wakeful nights, but they are nowhere near as frequent, and honestly, finally getting just ONE good nights' sleep took care of a lot of the stress, and that helped perpetuate that feedback loop so the stress became more tolerable and the sleeplessness became more infrequent.
Environment: check how much light your blinds let in while you sleep. I also found that this makes a HUGE difference for me - I seriously have to cover over my alarm clock because even just the display was bright enough to mess me up.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:08 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to be the first person to jump into this thread and say therapy, especially because you are working on finding someone. While you're searching, check for Saturday hours. And maaaaybe someone willing to teleconference your sessions.
But really. You need an impartial third party who is qualified to help you unravel all of this. Because your coping mechanisms in adulthood are heavily shaped by the ones you learned in your (abusive) childhood. Those coping mechanisms may not be helping you now. Some of them may be great. You need someone who can look objectively and help you build new habits.
I always suggest Dialectical Behavior Therapy for survivors of trauma, because that's the modality I am familiar with. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is really popular on Metafilter.
Whichever route you go, please be very clear with your therapist about what success looks like for you. You tell us that you want better sleep. That is a great place to start. How else will your life be different in 3 or 6 months as a result of successful work with a therapist? These things can happen if your therapist knows the goals.
In the meantime, try what a friend of mine did. She made herself a script sort of like this:
If you have a smartphone, try getting a sleep tracker app. You can see the cycles of your sleep, and when you wake up (which most people do every 90 minutes or so), and for how long. Most people are "awake" for such short periods that they don't even remember. Make a script for yourself for those waking moments that will help you get back to sleep.
posted by bilabial at 7:10 AM on September 5, 2013
But really. You need an impartial third party who is qualified to help you unravel all of this. Because your coping mechanisms in adulthood are heavily shaped by the ones you learned in your (abusive) childhood. Those coping mechanisms may not be helping you now. Some of them may be great. You need someone who can look objectively and help you build new habits.
I always suggest Dialectical Behavior Therapy for survivors of trauma, because that's the modality I am familiar with. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is really popular on Metafilter.
Whichever route you go, please be very clear with your therapist about what success looks like for you. You tell us that you want better sleep. That is a great place to start. How else will your life be different in 3 or 6 months as a result of successful work with a therapist? These things can happen if your therapist knows the goals.
In the meantime, try what a friend of mine did. She made herself a script sort of like this:
Tonight, I will fall asleep easily. I will have restful and pleasant dreams. My sleep will be rejuvenating and I will wake up feeling great. If I happen to wake up before morning, I will return to sleep easily and quickly."She said it took a few weeks for it to really work in a noticeable way. I sometimes use a guided meditation to get to sleep in the evenings.
If you have a smartphone, try getting a sleep tracker app. You can see the cycles of your sleep, and when you wake up (which most people do every 90 minutes or so), and for how long. Most people are "awake" for such short periods that they don't even remember. Make a script for yourself for those waking moments that will help you get back to sleep.
posted by bilabial at 7:10 AM on September 5, 2013
Wow, have you had a tough summer.
When I was having trouble sleeping after the birth of my son - ironically, it was when he started to sleep through the night that I became an insomniac staring at the ceiling waiting to hear his wail - my OB prescribed Ambien. I took it sparingly but oh did it help me to get restorative sleep. Keep in mind that Ambien has some negative history, but it may be what helps you get back on that sleep schedule that you need.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:11 AM on September 5, 2013
When I was having trouble sleeping after the birth of my son - ironically, it was when he started to sleep through the night that I became an insomniac staring at the ceiling waiting to hear his wail - my OB prescribed Ambien. I took it sparingly but oh did it help me to get restorative sleep. Keep in mind that Ambien has some negative history, but it may be what helps you get back on that sleep schedule that you need.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:11 AM on September 5, 2013
I've found that black out curtains and a sleep aid work wonders when I need to get my sleep patterns back to normal. Your doctor can prescribe you something like ambien to help you get back on a normal schedule or you can do something like an OTC nighttime sleep aid. I've found that ones containing diphenhydramine (the drug in Benadryl that makes you sleepy) works best for me.
When my sleep gets out of sync I take a sleep aid, have a 10 minute warm shower to signal my body that its sleep time and then go to bed (no electronics in the bedroom). Once you're sleeping well it will be easier to sort everything else out too.
Best of luck with everything, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 7:14 AM on September 5, 2013
When my sleep gets out of sync I take a sleep aid, have a 10 minute warm shower to signal my body that its sleep time and then go to bed (no electronics in the bedroom). Once you're sleeping well it will be easier to sort everything else out too.
Best of luck with everything, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 7:14 AM on September 5, 2013
What kind of exercise are you doing and is the aim to help you sleep or to relax you?
Personally speaking, only 30 minutes a day would have to be pretty intensive to help me sleep.
posted by fatfrank at 7:15 AM on September 5, 2013
Personally speaking, only 30 minutes a day would have to be pretty intensive to help me sleep.
posted by fatfrank at 7:15 AM on September 5, 2013
Yes, counseling, definitely. And if you can get your doctor to prescribe a course of Ambien or Lunesta, that would be a godsend for you. (You probably won't need them long-term; most people take them just to get them over the "I can't sleep" hump.)
Magnesium is wonderful stuff, too. I get either Natural Calm or Ionic Fizz brands as they seem to be better absorbed.
Try soaking in a warm bath with some sea salt and soothing scented oils like lavender or rose before you go to bed. This will relax you and provide a natural transition. I also have an app called "Sleep Machine" that delivers nature sounds (like rain and ocean waves), or, if you prefer, you can get white noise, an air conditioner hum, or even a spaceship! I find these sounds are great at helping turn off the hamster wheel and lulling me to sleep.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:27 AM on September 5, 2013
Magnesium is wonderful stuff, too. I get either Natural Calm or Ionic Fizz brands as they seem to be better absorbed.
Try soaking in a warm bath with some sea salt and soothing scented oils like lavender or rose before you go to bed. This will relax you and provide a natural transition. I also have an app called "Sleep Machine" that delivers nature sounds (like rain and ocean waves), or, if you prefer, you can get white noise, an air conditioner hum, or even a spaceship! I find these sounds are great at helping turn off the hamster wheel and lulling me to sleep.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:27 AM on September 5, 2013
More exercise, do it every day before work, an hour of walking is fine. Some people have a hard time sleeping if they exercise late in their day. Have you ever tried relaxation CDs? I tried a couple of the free ones on this site and they put me to sleep. Can you afford to get a massage once a week? Yeah, good soak in the tub.
I used to have a super stressful job and found the only way that I could sleep was with headphones and music. when I can't sleep now I still put music on and just listen to it somewhat intently, like trying to figure out the instruments and stuff. (I am a musical illiterate, have never had any kind of music lesson.) this usually puts me to sleep.
I hope you feel better soon.
posted by mareli at 8:33 AM on September 5, 2013
I used to have a super stressful job and found the only way that I could sleep was with headphones and music. when I can't sleep now I still put music on and just listen to it somewhat intently, like trying to figure out the instruments and stuff. (I am a musical illiterate, have never had any kind of music lesson.) this usually puts me to sleep.
I hope you feel better soon.
posted by mareli at 8:33 AM on September 5, 2013
Have you ever tried relaxation CDs? I tried a couple of the free ones on this site and they put me to sleep.
Oh, dude, YES, this - check out this old AskMe where I asked for soothing music to put on a CD and let play while I was trying to fall asleep. I burned the selected playlist (which is listed therein) onto a disc and would let it play at a low enough volume that it wouldn't interfere, but high enough that I could at least hear it. And honest to God, I always ended up falling asleep within about 20 minutes.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:37 AM on September 5, 2013
Oh, dude, YES, this - check out this old AskMe where I asked for soothing music to put on a CD and let play while I was trying to fall asleep. I burned the selected playlist (which is listed therein) onto a disc and would let it play at a low enough volume that it wouldn't interfere, but high enough that I could at least hear it. And honest to God, I always ended up falling asleep within about 20 minutes.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:37 AM on September 5, 2013
I'm so sorry you've been going through all that.
When I used to have hamster mind at night, I started developing an alternate narrative to focus on. If I found myself churning through all the things I had to get done, I would consciously switch to something pleasant and relaxing. I might imagine a little cabin on the beach, or a pleasant clearing in a forest, and I would then imagine every detail about the place - the breeze gently moving the curtains (and what color are the curtains, and what do the windows look like?), the sound of the surf, maybe a few calls of distant birds. I would concentrate on imagining every detail of the pleasant place, and that would help me get back to sleep.
These days, on the rare occasion when that doesn't work, I'll listen to a podcast - something informative and soothing (usually something from the BBC), which is something I can do with the lights off and stop when I notice I've started missing half of what they're talking about.
If I get hamster mind when I'm awake, I try to find something pleasant in the environment to focus on - especially if I'm outside, I'll look for something green, any kind of flower or tree, to focus on the beauty of nature instead of whatever's churning in my head.
I hope that helps a bit.
posted by kristi at 11:08 AM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
When I used to have hamster mind at night, I started developing an alternate narrative to focus on. If I found myself churning through all the things I had to get done, I would consciously switch to something pleasant and relaxing. I might imagine a little cabin on the beach, or a pleasant clearing in a forest, and I would then imagine every detail about the place - the breeze gently moving the curtains (and what color are the curtains, and what do the windows look like?), the sound of the surf, maybe a few calls of distant birds. I would concentrate on imagining every detail of the pleasant place, and that would help me get back to sleep.
These days, on the rare occasion when that doesn't work, I'll listen to a podcast - something informative and soothing (usually something from the BBC), which is something I can do with the lights off and stop when I notice I've started missing half of what they're talking about.
If I get hamster mind when I'm awake, I try to find something pleasant in the environment to focus on - especially if I'm outside, I'll look for something green, any kind of flower or tree, to focus on the beauty of nature instead of whatever's churning in my head.
I hope that helps a bit.
posted by kristi at 11:08 AM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
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I think it also helps to keep reassuring yourself that it won't last forever. I am a lifelong insomniac as well, albeit of the can't-fall-asleep kind, and when I'm going through a rough period it is hard to remember that it really will pass and I'll be able to sleep normally again someday.
posted by something something at 7:07 AM on September 5, 2013