Elle Woods Problems
September 4, 2013 6:03 AM Subscribe
How can I be influential 'by default'?
I don't think I can do this without going to extremes. Sometimes I am taken seriously if I radically change my speaking pattern, and don't smile, or get angry. But then I risk changing the dynamic and ruining relationships, or coming across as stiff and unyielding. I feel like this is my secret card which I can draw out on very important topics, but would like to be able to be natural and MYSELF (fun, caring, kind of goofy) but be heard and acknowledged by default.
For those of you who have this ability, especially if you have developed this through experience, I would be very grateful to hear your advice.
I don't think I can do this without going to extremes. Sometimes I am taken seriously if I radically change my speaking pattern, and don't smile, or get angry. But then I risk changing the dynamic and ruining relationships, or coming across as stiff and unyielding. I feel like this is my secret card which I can draw out on very important topics, but would like to be able to be natural and MYSELF (fun, caring, kind of goofy) but be heard and acknowledged by default.
For those of you who have this ability, especially if you have developed this through experience, I would be very grateful to hear your advice.
Best answer: I'm hearing a secret people-pleaser. Do you believe your wishes are valid? If a part of you believes "yes, but...." and you quickly deny yourself your wishes, then others will too. You need to know what you want on the inside, and say it, and then ACT ACCORDINGLY. So just say what you want, calmly, clearly, with no apologies. And accept that sometimes people won't like it (but whether they do or not has no impact on you). Give yourself to be the free, autonomous person that you are.
Sample conversation:
"Hey guy's let's go see a movie!"
(you) "Ok sure. Friday works for me. I'm open to seeing movie X and Y."
"Oh we want to see movie Z."
"I really don't want to see Z. Oh well... maybe next time!"
Next time:
"Hey guy's let's go see a movie!"
(you) "Ok sure. How about Saturday? I'm open to seeing movie A and B."
"B it is!"
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:25 AM on September 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
Sample conversation:
"Hey guy's let's go see a movie!"
(you) "Ok sure. Friday works for me. I'm open to seeing movie X and Y."
"Oh we want to see movie Z."
"I really don't want to see Z. Oh well... maybe next time!"
Next time:
"Hey guy's let's go see a movie!"
(you) "Ok sure. How about Saturday? I'm open to seeing movie A and B."
"B it is!"
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:25 AM on September 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Building on Peepsburg, the thing Elle does really amazingly is both be open to others' friendship and ideas, and also put herself out there. Harvard didn't send her a personalized invitation. She hustled, studied, and asked her friends to support her in accomplishing that goal. She does the same things for her friends.
So, step one: say what you want, make a plan to get it, and let other people on your friendship train. Do the same for them.
Elle also genuinely listens and when people feel heard they are more likely to trust your judgement.
Finally, Elle works on behalf of organizations and people she cares for. If people see you be invested in them, whether it's through being willing to host a game night or ORGANIZE the trip the movies, instead of being the person whose always got to be asked and accommodated, you have more social capital when you say what you want in terms of organizing stuff or lay the ground rules for friendship dynamics.
This is all on top of her being herself in such a way that it empowers and doesn't demean others. And I think she shares food. People will do pretty much anything for nice people who sometimes give them cookies.
posted by spunweb at 6:40 AM on September 4, 2013 [9 favorites]
So, step one: say what you want, make a plan to get it, and let other people on your friendship train. Do the same for them.
Elle also genuinely listens and when people feel heard they are more likely to trust your judgement.
Finally, Elle works on behalf of organizations and people she cares for. If people see you be invested in them, whether it's through being willing to host a game night or ORGANIZE the trip the movies, instead of being the person whose always got to be asked and accommodated, you have more social capital when you say what you want in terms of organizing stuff or lay the ground rules for friendship dynamics.
This is all on top of her being herself in such a way that it empowers and doesn't demean others. And I think she shares food. People will do pretty much anything for nice people who sometimes give them cookies.
posted by spunweb at 6:40 AM on September 4, 2013 [9 favorites]
Best answer: P.S. I am super goofy myself, generally happy-go-lucky and easy going, and I totally understand this "all or nothing" approach to negotiations. It is like pre-emptively bracing yourself for a bad reaction, so you go on the offense. On the other person's side, it's like you suddenly turned a friend into a foe. It's like you went all "lawyer" on them, out of nowhere. It's very confusing to them. I think it is an issue with submission, fear of abandonment, fear of autonomy... It really is an issue of self-esteem and self-confidence. Your friends will still love you even if you say what you want! What helped me is to happily say no a few times to minor things. The world didn't end. We just got together a different time. My biggest challenge was with my sweetie, where negotiation and decisions are commonplace. My independent streak (and fear that he would take advantage of my easy going nature; he's a strongly opinionated person) left me resisting that sort of bonding-dance that couples do. I didn't want to submit to the relationship. There was an "I" but not a "we." I was still trying to protect myself because I didn't yet trust. Time and experience (and courage) healed that one. I saw that while he is opinionated, he's also completely open to my feelings and opinions. In fact, he wants to know what I really think and feel. So just say no, then say yes, then say maybe, then say no, yes whatever... just see what happens. Good friends and partners can accept either answer from you, because their love and loyalty isn't dependent on you gratifying them all the time. (And neither is yours.)
And know that what you want is ok & valid. We don't always get what we want, but the wanting of it needs no permission. Trying to get what you want is valid. Everyone does it. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness!
(P.P.S I've never seen the movie you're talking about, so my comments may be a bit off the mark!)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:54 AM on September 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
And know that what you want is ok & valid. We don't always get what we want, but the wanting of it needs no permission. Trying to get what you want is valid. Everyone does it. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness!
(P.P.S I've never seen the movie you're talking about, so my comments may be a bit off the mark!)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:54 AM on September 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
... but would like to be able to be natural and MYSELF (fun, caring, kind of goofy) but be heard and acknowledged by default.
Good news: this is very much possible, and many, many people accomplish such an endeavor.
Influence comes from 2 main sources: your inner self, and from those around you. Repeated deference to you by others is a powerful way of gaining influence.
The inner self takes sacrifice. Gradually and temporarily, turn your personality upside down - that means, Talk less. Goofy side much less, a quiet more serious demeanor more and more. This is in the beginning. When you've established an initial core of self-assuredness, you will be in a better position to kick in some goofiness from time to time. The inner self will resonate well with the external validation your friends and contacts will start to reward you with.
If you do this too radically and quickly, your social circle will think you've gone off the deep end. Done gradually, you will gain credibility.
After time (and, for the rest of your life), you will then be able to be less serious without worrying it will set you back from an influence angle. Good luck.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:12 AM on September 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Good news: this is very much possible, and many, many people accomplish such an endeavor.
Influence comes from 2 main sources: your inner self, and from those around you. Repeated deference to you by others is a powerful way of gaining influence.
The inner self takes sacrifice. Gradually and temporarily, turn your personality upside down - that means, Talk less. Goofy side much less, a quiet more serious demeanor more and more. This is in the beginning. When you've established an initial core of self-assuredness, you will be in a better position to kick in some goofiness from time to time. The inner self will resonate well with the external validation your friends and contacts will start to reward you with.
If you do this too radically and quickly, your social circle will think you've gone off the deep end. Done gradually, you will gain credibility.
After time (and, for the rest of your life), you will then be able to be less serious without worrying it will set you back from an influence angle. Good luck.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:12 AM on September 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh and Elle takes others seriously-- like, she listens with her whole heart to her nail tech, to the other people in her orientation group, and Warren ( which means she sees through his BS early in the movie, so it's not your standard romantic comedy). But it's not just a matter of listening -- it's both listening and a kind of genuine concern or excitement, a willingness to get a little messy when engaging with others... In the best way possible.
posted by spunweb at 6:26 AM on September 6, 2013
posted by spunweb at 6:26 AM on September 6, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Instead of waiting for things to go nuclear, I suggest you assert yourself when small things come up that you feel you aren't being taken seriously in. They don't need to be big drawn out things. Just push back when you feel as though your boundaries are being pushed.
What I'm guessing you do now:
Your friend steals french fries off of your plate at lunch without asking. You wish they wouldn't, but you don't want to seem difficult or unfriendly so you let it go without comment. It happens the next time you go out for lunch, and the time after that and the time after that, at which point the whole thing is so obnoxious to you that you finally snap and have it out with her. To her this is totally out of the blue, and they have no idea why you're suddenly behaving this way, so they get defensive. A fight ensues, and there goes the friendship
What you should do:
Your friend steals french fries off of your plate at lunch without asking. You wish they wouldn't, so you speak up saying "Please don't take food off my plate.". They say "Oh, sorry! I don't do it again." Your lunch continues pleasantly, she never steals food off your plate again, friendship is maintained.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:09 AM on September 4, 2013 [5 favorites]