I cheated, he found out. What now?
September 3, 2013 7:57 AM Subscribe
Boyfriend found out I was cheating on him. I want to apologize because I didn't get the chance to.
posted by anonymous to human relations (51 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
First of, I'm sorry if this question offends anyone.
So here goes. Recently my boyfriend found out that I've been in an emotional affair with a long-distance ex. The affair was about 3 months old, though my boyfriend thinks it went way back. A bit of a background: about 3 months ago we went through a rough patch and I contacted an ex who is living in another country. (Then) Boyfriend and I managed to work through the rough patch but I continued contact with the guy and it grew into an affair.
The affair consisted of romantic texts, late night Skype (including Skype sex), as well as exchanges of nude pictures from both parties. Needless to say, my boyfriend was devastated. He threw me out of his house (we don't live together, but I was staying over) and we haven't spoken ever since. It is clear that there's no turning back; he absolutely hates my guts and wishes to never see me again. I do love my boyfriend a lot, but I guess I wanted my cake and eat it too.
I am devastated. I regret everything. I know the relationship with my now ex-boyfriend is completely destroyed (we have (had?) a no-cheating policy), and I don't wish to get back together. The shame and chagrin I feel keep me from wanting to. And it's very clear he wants nothing to do with me again.
I have also cut all contact with the long-distance ex.
But I can't help but feel maybe we need closure? Besides kicking me out of his place and expressing his hurt and anger, he didn't say much else. I want to make some things clear, that loving him was not a lie, all the great times we had together were real and I am truly sorry for everything. I didn't have a chance to say all this during the confrontation. I don't expect reconciliation. I just want him to know. Through email for something because I know he won't see me. Should I or should I not? I only want to do it if it's right by him, so he'd know that my relationship with him was real. I won't do it if it's going to make him feel worse than he already does, just to assuage my guilt. But if I do decide to do it, how do I say it without sounding contrived and excuse-y?
Also, I feel rotten to the core. I have no excuses for what I did... I chose to be in another relationship while in a loving one with my then boyfriend. I threw away an awesome relationship because I was greedy and rotten. I deliberately chose to engage in an affair, fully aware it would break my boyfriend's heart and shatter his trust if he found out. The regret I feel is overwhelming, and I vow to never do it again. So where do I go from here? How do I atone my wrongs? It's my guilt talking, yes, but it's a start. I want to be a better person.