I cheated, he found out. What now?

September 3, 2013 7:57 AM

Boyfriend found out I was cheating on him. I want to apologize because I didn't get the chance to.

First of, I'm sorry if this question offends anyone.

So here goes. Recently my boyfriend found out that I've been in an emotional affair with a long-distance ex. The affair was about 3 months old, though my boyfriend thinks it went way back. A bit of a background: about 3 months ago we went through a rough patch and I contacted an ex who is living in another country. (Then) Boyfriend and I managed to work through the rough patch but I continued contact with the guy and it grew into an affair.

The affair consisted of romantic texts, late night Skype (including Skype sex), as well as exchanges of nude pictures from both parties. Needless to say, my boyfriend was devastated. He threw me out of his house (we don't live together, but I was staying over) and we haven't spoken ever since. It is clear that there's no turning back; he absolutely hates my guts and wishes to never see me again. I do love my boyfriend a lot, but I guess I wanted my cake and eat it too.

I am devastated. I regret everything. I know the relationship with my now ex-boyfriend is completely destroyed (we have (had?) a no-cheating policy), and I don't wish to get back together. The shame and chagrin I feel keep me from wanting to. And it's very clear he wants nothing to do with me again.

I have also cut all contact with the long-distance ex.

But I can't help but feel maybe we need closure? Besides kicking me out of his place and expressing his hurt and anger, he didn't say much else. I want to make some things clear, that loving him was not a lie, all the great times we had together were real and I am truly sorry for everything. I didn't have a chance to say all this during the confrontation. I don't expect reconciliation. I just want him to know. Through email for something because I know he won't see me. Should I or should I not? I only want to do it if it's right by him, so he'd know that my relationship with him was real. I won't do it if it's going to make him feel worse than he already does, just to assuage my guilt. But if I do decide to do it, how do I say it without sounding contrived and excuse-y?

Also, I feel rotten to the core. I have no excuses for what I did... I chose to be in another relationship while in a loving one with my then boyfriend. I threw away an awesome relationship because I was greedy and rotten. I deliberately chose to engage in an affair, fully aware it would break my boyfriend's heart and shatter his trust if he found out. The regret I feel is overwhelming, and I vow to never do it again. So where do I go from here? How do I atone my wrongs? It's my guilt talking, yes, but it's a start. I want to be a better person.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (49 answers total)

This is about making yourself feel better, not about either dude.

If at some time in the future you are contacted, say what you want to say. Otherwise respect your ex's desire for no contact.

You know how destructive and hurtful your actions were, don't do that again.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:02 AM on September 3, 2013 [47 favorites]

If he's said he never wants to see or hear from you again, please respect that. He threw you out of his house; he seems to have the closure he needs. Anything else you do would basically be for your benefit and not his. Moving forward, what you can do is learn from this fuckup and not cheat on future partners.

If you need to do something to make yourself feel better (which is fine - you don't have to languish in pain as a form of repentance or anything) write him a letter but DO NOT SEND IT.

I'm sorry if that is not sexy or dramatic but that's really it.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:02 AM on September 3, 2013 [18 favorites]

2nding Ruthless Bunny. This is still all about what you want.
posted by bfranklin at 8:02 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

But I can't help but feel maybe we need closure?

Nope. Your ex told you what they wanted and respecting their boundaries is about honoring that. In a case where a relationship ends because one person acted badly, there is a bit of a onus on them to not, after the breakup, just vanish and not make things worse.
posted by jessamyn at 8:04 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

Be sorry by letting the guy move on. Anything else is fairly contrived.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:05 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Leave your ex alone. If he wants closure, he'll reach out to you. The kindest thing to do is to stay away.
posted by xingcat at 8:05 AM on September 3, 2013

But I can't help but feel maybe we need closure?

No, you feel that you need closure. And you don't really have the moral right to it if it involves him in any way.
posted by Etrigan at 8:05 AM on September 3, 2013 [20 favorites]

The closure you need cannot come from your ex-boyfriend. You'll have to examine your motivations for having the emotional affair and eventually forgive yourself for betraying the trust of someone who loved you. Your ex-boyfriend doesn't have any obligation to be a part of this process. Vows are cheap, especially from someone who's already broken hers. Get closure by actually becoming a better person and understanding why you needed the validation from this affair so that you can be sure you really won't hurt someone you love this way again.
posted by gladly at 8:11 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Why ditch the useful ex? Seems that was working out for what you wanted from him. He wasn't in a relationship with your BF. You were. Is this like cutting yourself as punishment, hoping the gods will repent? Bad strategy.

Anything you want in a relationship is OK, as long as everyone is in on it. The only infidelity is dishonesty. Honesty permits everyone to decide when it isn't working and leave, not damage free, but as a conscious, adult decision, before the fact of a lie pops up. See how that could work?

If you can't be trusted, you don't belong in a relationship. If you aren't honest, you can't be trusted. Get a handle on your untrustworthy behavior by practicing being honest. It's not easy sometimes, but unless you have it, you have nothing. Everything will be built on lies and that's not tenable, long term.
posted by FauxScot at 8:15 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

Closure is the silliest idea, ever. You are never going to find "closure" in tormenting your ex boyfriend this way. Nothing you say or do will make him feel better, and you only stand to make him feel much worse. Just leave him alone.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 8:15 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Leave him alone.

The only closure for you will come with time and eventually finding yourself with a stable head in a stable relationship where you don't feel the need to be dishonest, or if you do, you break up with the other person first.

Also, What you did is awful, but that doesn't make you an awful person, so long as you learn and don't repeat. Lots of good peeps have been in your shoes.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:16 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

But if I do decide to do it, how do I say it without sounding contrived and excuse-y?

You can't, because it is. Leave the poor guy alone.
posted by toomuchpete at 8:20 AM on September 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Should I or should I not?

Should. Not.

I only want to do it if it's right by him, so he'd know that my relationship with him was real.

He is not going to believe a damn thing you say right now (and maybe for a really long time). You could say the sky is blue and he'd feel the need to check with his own eyes.

Leave him alone. Let him block you on whatever social networks you're both on (and you should remove him as well). Don't email him or text him or call him or contrive to run into him.
posted by rtha at 8:26 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

If he needs or wants closure from you, he will let you know. Otherwise, you are on your own here to figure out your own mess. You don't get to dump your emotions or wants on him anymore; they are no longer his problem, until/unless he gets past the immediate hurt and decides later on to reach out and try to form a new platonic friend- or acquaintance-ship with you.

And honestly, even if he did agree to talk with you or read your email, right now he's probably not going to believe a word you have to say.

Leave him alone. Sit with yourself for a while, figure out what you need to do to be a better person moving forward, and then dust yourself off and keep on going. It's all any of us can do when we screw up.
posted by Stacey at 8:28 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Don't send him anything. What's done is done and you can't unring the bell. You have to forgive yourself and resolve to never try to hurt another partner again.

Your closure has to come from inside you. You want absolution and you can't have it. So you must resign yourself to that reality and deal with it.

The bottom line is, to him, you're a liar who broke his heart...and, honestly, he's not wrong. So anything you say is just going to hurt more.
posted by inturnaround at 8:41 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

You do like to maintain positive connections to your exes, don't you?

I want to make some things clear, that loving him was not a lie, all the great times we had together were real and I am truly sorry for everything. I didn't have a chance to say all this during the confrontation. I don't expect reconciliation. I just want him to know.

How do you know when a liar is telling the truth?
posted by rhizome at 8:53 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Write the letter, then burn it.
posted by empath at 8:54 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I was prepared to hate-read this post based on the title and lead-in, but insead I find myself wanting to tell you to try to give yourself a little compassion. I think cheating on someone is a really terrible thing to do, and I usually don't find myself feeling sympathy toward cheaters, but reading this:

Also, I feel rotten to the core. I have no excuses for what I did.... I was greedy and rotten.

I think you are going a little overboard with the self-flagellation. Yes, you did a terrible thing, but you are not a terrible person, or rotten at your core.

I also don't think should contact your ex, but seeing a therapist might be helpful for you as a way to process the regret, shame, and grief you're feeling.
posted by Asparagus at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

If I were in his shoes, I'd appreciate an email saying what you say above. I wouldn't reply, but I would be glad to get it. But not everyone feels this way, obviously.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2013

Usually closure of a relationship, no matter how it ended, is about knowing that the other person sees what you see in yourself or sees you how you see yourself. It's an attempt to get value from the other person. I've never known this to work.
posted by juiceCake at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2013 [12 favorites]

One more little detail...

Love is placing someone else's interests above your own. It does not have to involve sex, affection, lust, accommodating/enabling their dysfunctions. It is what soldiers do, moms do, dads do, siblings and grandparents do. Good pursued without the requirement of reciprocation.

It's not what you displayed to your BF. You didn't love him, in that sense.

In the colloquial sense, where 'love' sometimes is used as a synonym for like, need, lust, want... yeah, you 'loved' him. Not in the real sense. You should spend some time asking yourself how masturbating with your distance ex was placing BF's interests above your own and see if you can swedge that into your assertion that you 'loved' him. Bull. Unless he's a total moron, he's sure as hell not going to believe it and will rightfully say so. (Caveat: 99%+ he's like everyone else... severely inexperienced.)

BF had the exactly correct reaction. Your naivety and inexperience are mostly to blame for what happened, and just because this blew up, it doesn't mean you are worthless or evil. It just suggests/means you have some learning to do, and that's all. The single most loving thing you can do for BF is to leave him be, and work on being better so that this doesn't happen again.

In most cases, it usually does. Humans are slow to learn, especially when hormones hijack judgment.

Own your behavior. Accept the consequences. Comes with the territory. Betrayal is a bitter pill to swallow. If BF wants contact, he'll initiate it. If you really want to love, think of HIM, not you.
posted by FauxScot at 9:13 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

Cheating is largely a selfish thing to begin with. Your need to apologize and feel like you did your part to apologize is just an extension of that. You need to learn that apologies don't fix things that you've broken. Leave your ex alone.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:14 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

And for what it's worth, your time frame for doing right by your ex elapsed as soon as you started cheating on him. He owes you no opportunity to apologize because of that.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:15 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

But I can't help but feel maybe we need closure?

You need closure, but you don't know what he needs at this point. You wanting closure is fine, just realize it doesn't have to involve him.

Write a letter. Say what you want, however you want. Then either burn it or send it to him, with zero expectation that he will reply in any way or that you well seek and answer from him. Say what you have to say and move on.

So where do I go from here? How do I atone my wrongs? It's my guilt talking, yes, but it's a start. I want to be a better person.

Figure out why you did what you did and work on fixing that part of yourself. What's important here is not that you fell down, so to speak, but rather getting up and how you go about it. Work on forgiving yourself and learning form your mistakes.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:37 AM on September 3, 2013

Turn around, face forward and don't ever do it again. He owes you nothing, and you don't get to ask.

You are, however, free to write it all out - unsent, forever - and keep writing it out until you get some insight into why. That's your closure. That's how you learn from it and move on and become a better person.

He gets to question the validity of the entire relationship. That's his right. You're trying to manipulate his feelings and perceptions so that what you did isn't as bad, but it doesn't work that way.

If you're having trouble getting traction, therapy is for exactly that sort of thing.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:38 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

> I think you are going a little overboard with the self-flagellation. Yes, you did a terrible thing, but you are not a terrible person, or rotten at your core.


I agree with this. I've cheated and been cheated on, and they're both pretty awful, but they're part of life, just like many awful things, and you are not a terrible person for having succumbed, you're just human, with all the flaws and failings that entails. Do not contact your ex, but do get therapy and learn how to live with your past and avoid doing such things in the future. Going through a bit of self-flagellation is normal and can give you a useful avoidance reaction in future, but don't let it control you. What happened is very unfortunate, but it's not the end of the world, and next time you'll do better.
posted by languagehat at 9:40 AM on September 3, 2013 [10 favorites]

Your need for closure, in your words, is greedy. It's about what you want.

Being a better person here probably means thinking about what he needs, and forgoing your own, conflicting, wants.
posted by bonehead at 9:55 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

it's very clear he wants nothing to do with me again.

There's your answer. It's up to you whether you care or not, but I'd imagine if you never wanted to see someone again, you wouldn't want them contacting you.
posted by spaltavian at 10:30 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

Hm, it seems like a common idea on AskMe that cheaters forfeit all rights to communication with the wronged party, and that any attempt at contact is a violation of boundaries. I'm not sure I agree with this, unless the wronged party has explicitly said "Do not attempt to contact me for any reason." (I don't see "I want nothing to do with you [in a dating context]" as exactly the same thing.)

I can't think of any other offense for which the offender is forbidden to apologize.

Write the letter if you want to, and tell your ex that you are sorry and that you don't want him to feel that your cheating is a reflection on his value or performance as a partner. Make it about him, about your concern for the hurt you caused him, and tell him you don't expect a reply or even an acknowledgement that he received the note.

He might toss the letter unopened or delete the email unread. That's his prerogative of course, but he's a grownup and can decide himself if he wants to exercise it.

It's true that your need to apologize is partly about you, but that's okay. It's a normal impulse and a good one.

And finally, you should not feel rotten to your core. What you did was wrong, but you want to make amends and clearly you never want to do it again. Move forward, and stop beating yourself up.
posted by torticat at 10:38 AM on September 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

(I don't see "I want nothing to do with you [in a dating context]" as exactly the same thing.)

They are; it's just one is said when someone is so upset they cannot use artifical legalistic phrasing.

it seems like a common idea on AskMe that cheaters forfeit all rights to communication with the wronged party,

No, everyone is just reading what the OP said, which is:

he absolutely hates my guts and wishes to never see me again
posted by spaltavian at 10:43 AM on September 3, 2013 [10 favorites]

I think it would be OK to send a brief email saying something like,

"I want to let you know that I know I was 100% in the wrong. If you ever feel open to having a conversation, I would be grateful for the opportunity to apologize. If not, I understand."

I say this as someone who has been cheated on.
posted by latkes at 10:49 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

"I deliberately chose to engage in an affair, fully aware it would break my boyfriend's heart and shatter his trust if he found out."

Umm, yeah. What did you expect to happen?

As my mother would say, you've made enough of this situation. Leave the poor guy alone, especially as he's made it clear to you about what he wants. Forcing him to pay attention to you isn't going to make him feel any better. He threw you out of his house, which seems like a very clear "I don't want to have anything to do with you" message to me.

In the words of Kaylee, "sometime a thing gets broke, can't be fixed". You can't atone for this. You can't make it better by talking to him about something that really hurt him. Pretty much anything you say is going to go through the filter of "she cheated on me".

Going forward, learn your lesson about how to behave in a relationship. Maybe don't deliberately do things that will hurt other people if they find out. Spend some time considering what you'll do if your next relationship goes through a rough patch, and how you'll handle it. Then chalk this experience up to a Lesson Learned.
posted by Solomon at 10:51 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

My opinion may not be very popular but here it is: I think cheating is a symptom of something else. I say go to therapy and find out why you cheated and how you're not going to do it again. Saying it and actually doing it are 2 different things. Perhaps through some therapy, you can find some peace as well.

As for the closure letter, I've recieved this via phone calls or emails and because of who I am I appreciated it. One bf called 10 years later to apologize. I had of course moved on by then but it did confirm that our relationship was as I felt it and he in fact was a jerk in the way he ended things. Another ex called a few months after a breakup and I knew that she was looking for absolution but I also appreciated the confirmation of our relationship.

You know what you need and where that need stems from. You also know your boyfriend and if he's the kind of guy that would appreciate that.

This is coming from someone who likes to tidy up messes in a messy world and I do believe that you don't leave someone to figure stuff like this out on their own. I also like closure.
posted by PeaPod at 11:40 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

But I can't help but feel maybe we need closure?

There is no "we" any longer.

He knows how to find you. If he wants to reconnect for whatever reason, he'll do so.

For your own good, and his, I hope he doesn't. He did exactly the right thing -- he surgically excised you from his life. Clean exit wounds heal fastest.
posted by nacho fries at 12:11 PM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

i'm one of the people who would want to hear what you had to say.

write a letter, hone it until it's as perfect as it can be. write it with a clear head and edit it for a couple days. send it to him - and then get to work on yourself. you know that you're not getting back together, keep that in mind when you write your missive. tell him what he needs to hear more than what you need to say. he's still gonna think you're scum, but you kinda deserve that. one last shout into the darkness, then leave him to heal.

i would want to hear that i was loved and cherished, genuinely, even if it was by someone who selfishly hurt and betrayed me. i would want to hear that it wasn't me (even though i'd know that, in my heart of hearts)! i would want the apology letter.
posted by quiteliterally at 12:14 PM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

He threw me out of his house (we don't live together, but I was staying over) and we haven't spoken ever since. It is clear that there's no turning back; he absolutely hates my guts and wishes to never see me again
[...]
it's very clear he wants nothing to do with me again
[...]
Besides kicking me out of his place and expressing his hurt and anger, he didn't say much else.

That says exactly what the now-ex wants to hear: nothing at all. From what the OP tells us, contacting him is far more likely to upset him even more. I can totally sympathize with that, too. The OP knows him better than us, and I think we should take their word instead of doing any projecting.
posted by zombieflanders at 12:46 PM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

The ex has made it clear he doesn't want to be contacted. Any further contact is selfish, and it would seem that the OP has done enough to upset the Ex. How much clearer does the poor guy need to make it?
posted by Solomon at 1:18 PM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

OP, I think he deserves an apology, and I think (despite the rather strident views of some of the other respondents up-thread) that you deserve a chance to say that you're sorry. None of us can say for sure whether he would appreciate it, or be further hurt by it; his immediate response is not a reliable indicator of how he would receive an apology after a little time has passed.

But I don't think you have to apologize in an all-fired hurry. PeaPod's advice:

I say go to therapy and find out why you cheated and how you're not going to do it again.

is spot-on. An apology from the midst or the other side of that process is likely to be more sensitively crafted and effective than anything you can muster right now. Bonus: the work you'll do there will likely make you a happier person and a better partner to whoever out there ends up sharing a life with you in the future.
posted by richyoung at 1:46 PM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

There's a difference between being sorry and feeling bad because the other person found out. An apology, far in the future, after therapy and reflection, will actually have meaning and not be only for yourself.
posted by destructive cactus at 2:20 PM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

I was in a relationship with a cheater, and the worst part about it was that after I had finally gotten beyond the feeling of betrayal, and I was moving on with my life - he decided to pop back in with emails about how sorry he was for what he did. All those things he never had a chance to say before, he told me. But our relationship was done! I wanted to be left alone! I didn't care if he was sorry. I didn't even want to be mad at him anymore; I just wanted to not think about him ever again. No apology in the world was going to undo that. So, I saw his apologies as nothing but him trying to get my attention or else attempting to make himself feel better about himself with NO regard for my own feelings. That selfishness was what got us into that mess in the first place, right? It just made me angry all over again.

So, I would suggest you leave him be. If you must say your piece, then do it by email. Do it only once and keep it brief. Everyone makes mistakes, and you're not a terrible person for what happened, but please don't punish him by rubbing his nose in your mess.
posted by Gee, June! at 3:37 PM on September 3, 2013 [15 favorites]

I think that if you want to apologize, you should do so. However, you need to do it in a way that doesn't make him think you're being all about you and what you need. Good apologies are hard to write, and you need to take some time to get your bearings, so don't write it immediately.

Instead, get a book called "There's Something I Have To Tell You" by Charles Foster, MD, which is exactly about saying difficult things like this, and how not to put your foot in it. Don't do anything until you've read the book.

As for the rest of it... well, I believe Someone said "go your way and sin no more." If you can grasp that, you can see why continuing to throw stones at yourself isn't what's going to help anyone here.
posted by tel3path at 5:06 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would also want to receive an apology. I would feel even more hurt if the person that cheated on me didn't even attempt to contact me. It would amplify me feeling like I didn't mean anything to them. However, apparently not everyone feels this way and you know your boyfriend best. I think ONE email is OK though because he can delete it if he sees your name and doesn't want anything to do with you. I think words being thrown around like "torture" are a little over the top. As long as you only make that one contact and don't keep harassing him I think it's fine.
posted by Valkyrie21 at 7:29 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think it was bad but not as bad as you think. When you're the person hurt, sometimes it's very easy to feel like the other person is evil and a terrible person, but I think matters of love and relationships aren't sole signifiers of how good someone is. It's not on par with killing, abuse, and stuff like that.. Some people feel it's justifiable that some women were hit and beat for cheating, which is sick...or to hit or fight the other person who was complicit in the cheating. I know a number of people's attitudes toward it aren't that bad though. Cheating is bad when both agreed not to, but I don't think it's one of the most reprehensible things a person could do. Just leave him be. He'll move on eventually some day. And just learn from the mistake. What happens when you do that is that the other person wants nothing to do with you and you lose a friend/partner. If you do write to him, maybe write it from a throwaway email and make it clear you don't want a response. I know I would think some people are evil in the past but with some distance and a view less tinged with anger as I got over them, I could see that they were decent people.
posted by wholecornandsalt at 12:22 AM on September 4, 2013

(I don't see "I want nothing to do with you [in a dating context]" as exactly the same thing.)

They are; it's just one is said when someone is so upset they cannot use artifical legalistic phrasing.

True, but taking into consideration how upset a person is in that situation cuts both ways. A deeply shocked and hurting person may very well say extreme things that won't necessarily hold true a couple weeks down the road. People are messy, unpredictable, changeable. It is possible that this guy would really appreciate a heart-felt apology, that it might help mitigate whatever crisis of confidence he's probably going through right now.

I've appreciated the later posts in this thread from cheated-on people who said they welcomed an apology, or would have done.

I've never cheated, but I understand how it happens and have a personal sense about it of "there but for the grace of god go I." Maybe because I've been close to a couple people who've cheated and have helped support them through the mess they created. These people are not Liars or Cheaters at their core, though they did cheat and lie, their circumstances at the time having a great deal to do with the destructive choices they made. (I agree with the observation upthread that infidelity is a symptom of other things going on.)

OP said she didn't have the chance during the final conversation to make the apologies she felt she owed the guy. She's not stalking him; she's not begging for a second chance. She just wants to express her sorrow for her actions, with no expectation of receiving anything in return (except, perhaps, greater peace of mind). An apology is no great imposition on the ex-boyfriend--and again, he can discard it if he genuinely wants to hear nothing more from the OP. Unless he's a very fragile person, he's not going to be retraumatized or anything by receiving a single note that places no demands on him. And there is the possibility that it will do him some good.
posted by torticat at 1:59 AM on September 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

An apology is no great imposition

Great or small, it's an imposition.

Leave the guy alone. Sit with your discomfort. Find a therapist. But please, leave the guy alone.
posted by Mister Bijou at 5:02 AM on September 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

Since we're getting into personal experience here, I'll clarify that my answer above stems from painfully gained experience being cheated on. In one case I chose to try to rebuild my relationship with the person. But in the other where I ended contact with that person, he tried to do what the OP is describing. It was an imposition, it increased my pain, it reinforced what he had done by cheating - indulged his own emotions and needs at the expense of mine, with no consideration for mine. It was deeply unwelcome and reinforced every bad impression I had of his selfishness and lack of regard for me.

(And then he kept trying once a year or so until I eventually changed my email address for other reasons. If you need to do this, we're not going to talk you of it. But please just do it once, unless he responds positively.)
posted by Stacey at 5:25 AM on September 4, 2013 [7 favorites]

I should note, after rereading that response, that I am largely thinking about how I felt at the time. With years of hindsight, I have more sympathy toward him - he was young, he'd screwed up and hurt someone he cared about, he was flailing around for any way to FIX THINGS NOW and not have to deal with his own considerable pain and upset.

I understand now why he did what he did, both the cheating and the follow-up communication attempts, and am less angry about it. But I still feel that it was All About Him, and his apology attempts did not do anything then or now to make me feel better about what happened. The only thing that's done that is time and distance.

No two relationships or broken hearts are the same and your ex may not feel that way - you'll know that better than we will. But I offer it as a counter-perspective to some other (equally valid) perspectives from others who have been cheated on and welcomed the contact attempts.
posted by Stacey at 5:40 AM on September 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

If I were the one who had been cheated on, I would need at least some amount of time where I could vilify you in my head. At least at first, I'd rather try to move beyond the whole painful mess by convincing myself you were a terrible person and what we had must have been pretty flimsy (even if I didn't truly believe those things), rather than having it shoved in my face that you had really loved me and that our good times together were genuine. As such, any apology you could offer now would only be a painful imposition. I wouldn't WANT a reminder that I'd just lost something that could have been really good.

While I understand the impulse to apologize, if you really have to contact him - and personally I'm in the "if he wants to hear from you he knows where to reach you" camp - I would only do so a long time from now, after he's had a chance to work through this on his own and with his friends/family. If he's the type of person who would appreciate an apology, I'd think he'd be just as likely to appreciate it later on down the road as now, and if he doesn't want one it will at least be less painful once he's made his own peace with things (and as a bonus, it'll probably come across as less self-serving once you've both gotten enough distance that it's clear neither of you expects to get back together).

There's no need to keep beating yourself up about this, but do step lightly so you don't cause any further hurt.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:17 AM on September 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Him throwing you out was a reaction fueled by the intense proximity of your betrayal. It gets less intense (for him) with each passing day. Any attempt to reach out to him will go up in flames due to this immediate intensity. In other words, whatever shot you have at an apology is significantly better after this heat cools off for a bit.

His strong response indicates (potentially) how close he in fact, was to you. As the dawn of each new day without you becomes a reality for him, he may decide to reach out to you at least once himself. Humans are much more reflective and kinder over time. Therefore, it's better to wait for more than one reason.
posted by Kruger5 at 9:55 AM on September 4, 2013