You pinkie swore!
August 31, 2013 2:39 PM Subscribe
Looking for perspective about a breach of trust in my relationship, albeit on a teeny tiny scale. Am I making too much of this, or is a promise a promise?
posted by little_dog_laughing to human relations (49 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
To clarify, yes. We are grownups: 30's and 40's. Together for several years, lots of ups and downs as we got our act together early on, but quite amazingly stable and increasingly deep and sweet for the past 3+ years.
We moved to a new home a few years back. SO couldn't quit his smoking habit, but it was a no-brainer that the new place would be smoke-free. It was what we both wanted.
I discovered that he smoked inside the home, and I told him that it seemed pretty sneaky of him. I didn't smell the smoke, or anything, I just discovered evidence. No biggie-- We agreed it wouldn't happen again.
It did happen again.
I said, Well, here's the thing. If you get used to smoking indoors, then eventually it will smell like smoke indoors, and I'm not down with that. SO agreed, and promised he'd take it outside in the future.
Then, I discover he's smoked indoors again. This time I'm upset because trust! And, we have a big come to jesus about it. How, if for some reason he need, need, needs to renege on our agreement, he could at least fess up to it rather than getting "busted" like I'm his dorm mother. Trust, understanding, respect... blah blah blah... He makes a solemn promise to stop sneakily smoking cigs inside our home.
This all has been over the course of a few years. Well, our rebellious, middle-aged antagonist has been up to the same old same old. He's been discreet about smoking inside, and I haven't been suspicious or sleuthing around, so if he's smoked inside about once a month (his estimate), I've not known.
Now that I've become aware of the smoking, I feel shaken to the core! I won't go on and on about how much I dislike his shitty smoking habit-- The issue that is bugging me is the broken promise(s).
I'm saying, Smoke if you're going to. Stop effing lying to me. Don't make promises you can't keep. Don't do sneaky shit when, honestly, I don't care what you do. I just want honesty.
As I've felt unsettled, betrayed, and kind of ill for the past 24 hours, am I making too much of an adult breaking a promise? Do you think my description of SO's behavior paints him as untrustworthy, generally (yes, I'd like your opinion, internet!)? People in awesome, long-term relationships: do you guys BS each other when it comes to smaller issues?
I kind of look at the man, my SO, differently now. I'm asking you guys' advice because I tend toward extremes. I've been teetering between thoughts of packing up my whole entire life and starting over somewhere else, and kissing my SO's face until he feels loved enough to drop his lying-ass defenses-- !
Whatta ya think?