Can't fix the past; can I mend the present?
August 20, 2013 8:54 PM Subscribe
I have just found out that my ex and the father of my child did something twenty-odd years ago that has had permanent ramifications for both our child and his daughter with his former wife (the daughter is 9 years older than our son). I was unaware of this until Sunday, when I visited the former wife (who lives in another city) and we had a long and intense conversation under the shadow of the terminal diagnosis she received earlier this year. What do I do now?
Background: My ex, K., and his former wife, S., split up when their daughter was about two years old. He remained an engaged and loving father. Cue our meeting seven years later, and an accidental pregnancy within a couple of months. During the time just after our son was born I was living with the baby, and K. was living part time with us and part time at his studio (he's an artist). He remained an engaged and loving father to his daughter J., and I saw her fairly often, though there was no formal arrangement for visitation. She never stayed overnight or visited for very long. I was coping with what felt largely like single parenthood, and taking his lead on this; I didn't want to interfere in his relationship with J., or intrude on his relationship with his former wife (they remained good friends; she soon remarried, there was no continued romantic relationship). They were both quite a bit older than I, and I felt like an interloper in some ways, so I accepted the arrangements without second guessing them.
After three years K. and I found a place and moved in together. He arranged a once a week afternoon/evening with J., at her home, and this continued as she grew older. I was the breadwinner and working full time to support the household (see: artist, above); we eventually split up around five years later, largely over money and general unhappiness. Our son has always looked up to his older half-sister, and I'd always wished they were closer (she moved to the East Coast a number of years ago). She was a wonderful child-- intelligent, grounded, thoughtful, successful socially and academically-- and has blossomed as an adult.
During my Sunday visit with S., we talked about many things; I hadn't seen her for a few years, since J.'s wedding. And then she asked me the question which knocked me sideways (and I'm still knocked, really): Why, she said, did you refuse to have J. over at your house? I was surprised and said, But I would have loved to have her over more, and then S. said that K. had told her, years ago, that I had said that the daughter was not welcome. This was never, ever true, and we both looked at each other and said Why didn't we have this conversation years ago, and Why didn't we talk to each other instead of relying on K.'s version of events?
Where to go from here? The thought of what might have been-- that our son could have had a closer relationship with his half-sister, that I could have had a closer relationship with her-- is devastating enough. On top of that, his former wife has, for the last 25 or so years, believed that I rejected her daughter. And, of course, there's the betrayal by my ex, who encouraged S. to believe this. Here's where I am at the moment:
1. I wrote a long letter to S. today, trying to further explain why I passively let K. set the terms for J.'s visits, and how I was afraid of intruding on their relationship and struggling with work, our unhappy relationship, etc. I haven't sent it, as S. has other things on her mind, I'm guessing, like dying. I still feel like I should try and send a shorter version; we also agreed that I should visit her again soon. It was a meaningful afternoon for me, and I think for her as well. I don't want to let go of this newfound closeness; at the same time, it's not about me. She has bigger things to deal with.
2. Talking to my son and stepdaughter about this. I'm not sure how to approach it, or if it's even wise to mention it. We're not talking about children any longer; they are grown adults, 35 and 26 years old. But if S. conveyed to my stepdaughter that I had intentionally limited her presence in my son's life, I would like to try and address that if possible, and tell her it's not true. But then what will she do with this information about her father?
3. Talking to my ex, which I haven't done yet, because I needed to step back and try to deal with this a bit first. I am, as the British say, gutted. I'm grieving what might have been, and I've been desperately trying to understand what happened-- is it possible that I said something which was misconstrued? I know that we never discussed his visitations, and he never talked about her spending time at the apartment we shared. I was overwhelmed with working at a job I disliked, being responsible for the finances of the entire household, and mothering a young child who was often a challenging personality. Also, I'm afraid I'd be so angry at him, though we are talking about something that happened a long time ago.
Can I do something to heal this? If so, what? And I'm keeping in mind that I have to keep a sense of proportion: the daughter is soon to lose her mother. My ex is soon to lose one of his oldest friends. My son has a relationship with J. and I hope they become closer, but that's really out of my purview (or is it)? I hate the idea that S. might have died thinking that I disliked her daughter and pushed her away; I hate the idea of what has been lost. Where can I go from here?
Background: My ex, K., and his former wife, S., split up when their daughter was about two years old. He remained an engaged and loving father. Cue our meeting seven years later, and an accidental pregnancy within a couple of months. During the time just after our son was born I was living with the baby, and K. was living part time with us and part time at his studio (he's an artist). He remained an engaged and loving father to his daughter J., and I saw her fairly often, though there was no formal arrangement for visitation. She never stayed overnight or visited for very long. I was coping with what felt largely like single parenthood, and taking his lead on this; I didn't want to interfere in his relationship with J., or intrude on his relationship with his former wife (they remained good friends; she soon remarried, there was no continued romantic relationship). They were both quite a bit older than I, and I felt like an interloper in some ways, so I accepted the arrangements without second guessing them.
After three years K. and I found a place and moved in together. He arranged a once a week afternoon/evening with J., at her home, and this continued as she grew older. I was the breadwinner and working full time to support the household (see: artist, above); we eventually split up around five years later, largely over money and general unhappiness. Our son has always looked up to his older half-sister, and I'd always wished they were closer (she moved to the East Coast a number of years ago). She was a wonderful child-- intelligent, grounded, thoughtful, successful socially and academically-- and has blossomed as an adult.
During my Sunday visit with S., we talked about many things; I hadn't seen her for a few years, since J.'s wedding. And then she asked me the question which knocked me sideways (and I'm still knocked, really): Why, she said, did you refuse to have J. over at your house? I was surprised and said, But I would have loved to have her over more, and then S. said that K. had told her, years ago, that I had said that the daughter was not welcome. This was never, ever true, and we both looked at each other and said Why didn't we have this conversation years ago, and Why didn't we talk to each other instead of relying on K.'s version of events?
Where to go from here? The thought of what might have been-- that our son could have had a closer relationship with his half-sister, that I could have had a closer relationship with her-- is devastating enough. On top of that, his former wife has, for the last 25 or so years, believed that I rejected her daughter. And, of course, there's the betrayal by my ex, who encouraged S. to believe this. Here's where I am at the moment:
1. I wrote a long letter to S. today, trying to further explain why I passively let K. set the terms for J.'s visits, and how I was afraid of intruding on their relationship and struggling with work, our unhappy relationship, etc. I haven't sent it, as S. has other things on her mind, I'm guessing, like dying. I still feel like I should try and send a shorter version; we also agreed that I should visit her again soon. It was a meaningful afternoon for me, and I think for her as well. I don't want to let go of this newfound closeness; at the same time, it's not about me. She has bigger things to deal with.
2. Talking to my son and stepdaughter about this. I'm not sure how to approach it, or if it's even wise to mention it. We're not talking about children any longer; they are grown adults, 35 and 26 years old. But if S. conveyed to my stepdaughter that I had intentionally limited her presence in my son's life, I would like to try and address that if possible, and tell her it's not true. But then what will she do with this information about her father?
3. Talking to my ex, which I haven't done yet, because I needed to step back and try to deal with this a bit first. I am, as the British say, gutted. I'm grieving what might have been, and I've been desperately trying to understand what happened-- is it possible that I said something which was misconstrued? I know that we never discussed his visitations, and he never talked about her spending time at the apartment we shared. I was overwhelmed with working at a job I disliked, being responsible for the finances of the entire household, and mothering a young child who was often a challenging personality. Also, I'm afraid I'd be so angry at him, though we are talking about something that happened a long time ago.
Can I do something to heal this? If so, what? And I'm keeping in mind that I have to keep a sense of proportion: the daughter is soon to lose her mother. My ex is soon to lose one of his oldest friends. My son has a relationship with J. and I hope they become closer, but that's really out of my purview (or is it)? I hate the idea that S. might have died thinking that I disliked her daughter and pushed her away; I hate the idea of what has been lost. Where can I go from here?
You sound like a pretty extraordinary family. I am impressed by your relationship with S. and the bonds that seem to exist between you all and the siblings. That speaks volumes about the kind of mothers you and S. and are.
Being that kind of mother, of course you are grieving all that could have been. It is a huge loss that seems mostly inexplicable - why would K. have done this to all of you? Presumably he had a reason, but it may never make sense to anyone else.
In all honesty, I think mostly you have to let this go. You've told S. the truth, and I think it should be up to her if she wants to bring it up to her daughter. J. is about to lose her mother, and that looming tragedy needs to be the focus of the compassion from your family right now. Bringing up the truth of the visitations from so long ago might seem like an attack on her father. That's more drama than she needs now.
I would...
1. Maybe a shortened version.
2. Tell your son if you want, but I would not reach out to the stepdaughter with this.
3. Probably not. He is about to lose someone close to him, and he could likely never explain this in a way that would make sense to you.
This needs to be your own thing to work through.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:16 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
Being that kind of mother, of course you are grieving all that could have been. It is a huge loss that seems mostly inexplicable - why would K. have done this to all of you? Presumably he had a reason, but it may never make sense to anyone else.
In all honesty, I think mostly you have to let this go. You've told S. the truth, and I think it should be up to her if she wants to bring it up to her daughter. J. is about to lose her mother, and that looming tragedy needs to be the focus of the compassion from your family right now. Bringing up the truth of the visitations from so long ago might seem like an attack on her father. That's more drama than she needs now.
I would...
1. Maybe a shortened version.
2. Tell your son if you want, but I would not reach out to the stepdaughter with this.
3. Probably not. He is about to lose someone close to him, and he could likely never explain this in a way that would make sense to you.
This needs to be your own thing to work through.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:16 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'd confront my ex. I wouldn't shame or lecture him (because I wouldn't want the extra drama, not because he doesn't deserve it), but I'd ask him to confirm or deny S's story of things and I'd ask him to tell the story from his point of view. I'd tell him I was angry and hurt.
Here's something to think about: If J is told by either you or her mother that it wasn't you who rejected her back then, then she'll be stuck with the revelation that it was actually her father who rejected her. That's a heartbreaking revelation. Do J and her dad have a good relationship now?
And I don't know if I'd address it with S at all. I think that right now, probably the best way to develop the healthiest bonds between your family and hers is to be a caring friend during the end of her life. Being a support for S will be a kindness to J and it might bring J and your son closer together too.
posted by dchrssyr at 9:28 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Here's something to think about: If J is told by either you or her mother that it wasn't you who rejected her back then, then she'll be stuck with the revelation that it was actually her father who rejected her. That's a heartbreaking revelation. Do J and her dad have a good relationship now?
And I don't know if I'd address it with S at all. I think that right now, probably the best way to develop the healthiest bonds between your family and hers is to be a caring friend during the end of her life. Being a support for S will be a kindness to J and it might bring J and your son closer together too.
posted by dchrssyr at 9:28 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I know the immense feelings of frustration, sadness, anger, betrayal, and pained visions of alternate pasts that can accompany revelations like this after the fact. I know them very, very well.
And I strongly advise you to find someone you can talk to about it - who knows you and your family (like a good friend or a family member), and I strongly advise you against doing anything right away. Sit on it for at least a month - nothing will be changed by doing so, and it will help give you the distance you need from this event; distance that is appropriate when you have discovered something that happened years ago.
If you are going to focus on something, don't let it be the past - let it be the future. There's no reason why you and your kid can't have a rewarding relationship with this woman now. Maybe you will need to tell her how much you regret not spending time together. Maybe the whole truth, maybe part of the truth. I don't know there's a lot of variables there. But don't let something inadvertant like this poison an opportunity in the now. Good luck, be patient with yourself, let the emotions come to you and swirl around, over time they will coalesce and settle into something more solid that you can then action. I encourage not to give into the impatience and urge to action that these revelations can spur.
posted by smoke at 10:05 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
And I strongly advise you to find someone you can talk to about it - who knows you and your family (like a good friend or a family member), and I strongly advise you against doing anything right away. Sit on it for at least a month - nothing will be changed by doing so, and it will help give you the distance you need from this event; distance that is appropriate when you have discovered something that happened years ago.
If you are going to focus on something, don't let it be the past - let it be the future. There's no reason why you and your kid can't have a rewarding relationship with this woman now. Maybe you will need to tell her how much you regret not spending time together. Maybe the whole truth, maybe part of the truth. I don't know there's a lot of variables there. But don't let something inadvertant like this poison an opportunity in the now. Good luck, be patient with yourself, let the emotions come to you and swirl around, over time they will coalesce and settle into something more solid that you can then action. I encourage not to give into the impatience and urge to action that these revelations can spur.
posted by smoke at 10:05 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think you've done all you can. S knows that you didn't purposefully do anything to keep J away. And, J doesn't need to know that her father did that - then there's the possibility she'll turn on you.
I would focus on yourself and on how you feel about this. It might be useful seeing a counsellor - just so that you can tell someone about it, get it out there with someone who's not directly connected, and deal with that sense of loss.
posted by heyjude at 10:37 PM on August 20, 2013
I would focus on yourself and on how you feel about this. It might be useful seeing a counsellor - just so that you can tell someone about it, get it out there with someone who's not directly connected, and deal with that sense of loss.
posted by heyjude at 10:37 PM on August 20, 2013
I think it's okay to talk to your son about this, but I think that you should talk to S. about how or if this should be addressed with J. I don't think it will change your relationship with J., and it might turn her relationship with her father sour (ish), and I don't see how it would really benefit her relationship with her half-brother either... in other words, can of worms. Especially given the context of how you found this all out.
I think that most people in your situation would feel that taking a passive role and letting the parents dictate the terms of visitation is the right thing to do. Please don't beat yourself up over that. No matter what you may have hinted or implied, it doesn't sound like a direct question was asked... You never got a chance to say.
posted by sm1tten at 11:02 PM on August 20, 2013
I think that most people in your situation would feel that taking a passive role and letting the parents dictate the terms of visitation is the right thing to do. Please don't beat yourself up over that. No matter what you may have hinted or implied, it doesn't sound like a direct question was asked... You never got a chance to say.
posted by sm1tten at 11:02 PM on August 20, 2013
This could've been just poor communication among the three of you (have you read The Necklace?) leading to a terrible situation, and I definitely think you should speak to J (with S's permission) to make it clear you care for her and regret what happened, without pinning blame on anyone. Don't belabor the point, just make your feelings clear. In all likelihood, nothing will change much between you and her or her and your son, but when I get similar messages from people who I'm not too close to I do feel at least a little better, and, while unlikely, she could want your comfort in the times ahead or knowing you care for her and her mother could be comfort enough.
posted by flimflam at 11:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by flimflam at 11:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you sound like a very kind person so what I'm about to say might be very painful. I would ask you to look at this from J's perspective. There was no place for her in her father's house with you. This was his choice - it was his responsibility to mention it and choose how he manages his responsibilities. Instead he blamed you. Possibly to his daughter. He blamed you for his part rejection of her.
J has already experienced the results of your ex's choices on fatherhood and how he treats his children. You don't have to carry this on - possibly write to your step-daughter and let her know that she is always welcome in your home, particularly if she would like someone to talk to in light of her mother's illness. Be prepared for her to ask you what's changed. And be honest - your ex's decisions have already hurt her - does she get to know why?
posted by eyeofthetiger at 2:24 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
J has already experienced the results of your ex's choices on fatherhood and how he treats his children. You don't have to carry this on - possibly write to your step-daughter and let her know that she is always welcome in your home, particularly if she would like someone to talk to in light of her mother's illness. Be prepared for her to ask you what's changed. And be honest - your ex's decisions have already hurt her - does she get to know why?
posted by eyeofthetiger at 2:24 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Write a shortened version of the letter to S, but make sure the tone is more one of sorrow over lost opportunities than anger over K's lie. Ask S how she would like this handled; she knows her daughter better than you, and she may never have said anything about you apparently not wanting J to visit your home. Follow S's lead, including on what & whether to say anything to K.
At this point, I'd leave K out of the loop: his acting as a buffer between you and S was where this problem originated, and you and S need to clear the air. Once you and S have talked this out and cleared up exactly what happened, the two of you can figure out how much (if any of it) to tell the kids.
Don't worry so much about how K will feel about anything; his feelings are and should always be of less concern than those of all of the rest of you. I'm not saying tell J and your son about K's lie; just that K is the least important person here, and that the happiness of EVERYONE else --- including you! --- should be the main focus.
posted by easily confused at 2:37 AM on August 21, 2013
At this point, I'd leave K out of the loop: his acting as a buffer between you and S was where this problem originated, and you and S need to clear the air. Once you and S have talked this out and cleared up exactly what happened, the two of you can figure out how much (if any of it) to tell the kids.
Don't worry so much about how K will feel about anything; his feelings are and should always be of less concern than those of all of the rest of you. I'm not saying tell J and your son about K's lie; just that K is the least important person here, and that the happiness of EVERYONE else --- including you! --- should be the main focus.
posted by easily confused at 2:37 AM on August 21, 2013
Focus on the fact that J is obviously fine and turned out well. She had a solid home life with a mother and step father and there is no evidence that doing things differently would have made her happier or healthier in any way. You can't even know that she would have had a better relationship with her half brother had they spent more time together -- they are 9 years apart, and things between half siblings (like real siblings) are not predictable. Your own home with her father was also a pretty short period of her childhood since first he had the studio and then you split up as well. When you find yourself grieving over what might have been, remember that you don't know the kinds of problems and issues that might have arisen, and the way things actually were resulted in life being fine for J, who is the main focus of the issue. Now, the fact that K lied to blame you for something you did not do is something else. You can be angry about that. It sounds like he was difficult in many ways. I would focus on being angry at his manipulation rather than on grieving a past that for all you know would not have turned out a better present than the one that exists. Therefore, I think this is something to process on your own and to share with S next time you visit.
posted by marzo at 3:07 AM on August 21, 2013
posted by marzo at 3:07 AM on August 21, 2013
35 and 26 is still young. They're both adults, and if they want to become closer there are gentle things you can do (like invite them over at the same time) and things you can't do (like make them closer or retrofit a shared history they may not want to buy into).
The important thing is to establish the facts with your son, and do so neutrally. You have a longstanding and intimate relationship with you. You should tell him. As neutrally as you can. Blame and hurt at what might have been are understandable emotions for any of the parties, but not productive ones. I can't say whether you should do this with your stepdaughter. I would take advice from her mother. Ideally, I'd let S tell her daughter.
As to dealing with your ex? Focus on what you want to achieve. He may have perceived things differently to you, he may have had his (selfish or otherwise) reasons, he may have been manipulative. I see little to gain from bringing this up now with him in any of those scenarios. More importantly, I don't think asking your stepdaughter to choose sides in the event your relationship with your ex worsens over this issue is fair on her. And you'll probably lose, even if you're not trying to create 'sides'. It may also be counterproductive to your wish to bring your son and stepdaughter together.
Finally, as you've no doubt thought through in more detail than we have, in amongst this new revelation it appears J will soon lose her mother. I guess you may have considered that you could step in to this role in some way. This may be the case. It may not. But go easy. Even before the revelation there is drama on its way and emotions will be high. However altruistically you want your son and his half-sister to have one another as support and perhaps you also in the picture you will need to go easy or risk having your motives questioned.
posted by MuffinMan at 4:38 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
The important thing is to establish the facts with your son, and do so neutrally. You have a longstanding and intimate relationship with you. You should tell him. As neutrally as you can. Blame and hurt at what might have been are understandable emotions for any of the parties, but not productive ones. I can't say whether you should do this with your stepdaughter. I would take advice from her mother. Ideally, I'd let S tell her daughter.
As to dealing with your ex? Focus on what you want to achieve. He may have perceived things differently to you, he may have had his (selfish or otherwise) reasons, he may have been manipulative. I see little to gain from bringing this up now with him in any of those scenarios. More importantly, I don't think asking your stepdaughter to choose sides in the event your relationship with your ex worsens over this issue is fair on her. And you'll probably lose, even if you're not trying to create 'sides'. It may also be counterproductive to your wish to bring your son and stepdaughter together.
Finally, as you've no doubt thought through in more detail than we have, in amongst this new revelation it appears J will soon lose her mother. I guess you may have considered that you could step in to this role in some way. This may be the case. It may not. But go easy. Even before the revelation there is drama on its way and emotions will be high. However altruistically you want your son and his half-sister to have one another as support and perhaps you also in the picture you will need to go easy or risk having your motives questioned.
posted by MuffinMan at 4:38 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am somewhat in J.'s position, so here's my experience/feelings, in case that's a helpful perspective from you.
I have two half-siblings I knew for a short time when I was so young I barely recall it, and they don't recall it at all. Then none of us saw each other for about 20 years, although the oldest sib and I occasionally wrote each other a letter. I grew up with the understanding that my biological father did not want to be part of my life or have his kids be part of my life beyond letter-writing and Christmas cards.
In my late 20s/early 30s I was able to re-establish some contact with my siblings, and at some point that involved spending a little bit of time with my father and stepmother. During which time my stepmother made it clear that her version of the story is that my mother whisked me away and wanted me to have nothing to do with their side of the family.
I've never taken this information back to my mother to ask for her side of the story or try to figure out the truth of what really happened. It's so far in the past that I don't see that doing any good - and besides, my guess is they both think they're telling the truth. Custody-sharing must be hard as hell, I can't even imagine it, and I'm pretty sure everyone involved was trying to be decent people at the time.
It wound up hurting me, and my siblings, and it's heartbreaking to me that we'll probably never really completely be able to fix that. And I do wonder occasionally, in an idle moment, what really went down between my assorted parents and step-parents that took a potential sibling relationship away from us. Especially when I found out later that there were some things my siblings went through that I could really have helped with, but I wasn't there and didn't know, and I'll still feel guilty about that on my deathbed even though it wasn't my fault at all.
But I'd rather get to know my siblings now than open those old wounds. What's lost is lost. I don't know whether J. would feel the same, but she might.
In your shoes I would focus now on helping everyone through this awful time, and letting S. take the lead on how or if she wants to address this with her daughter, and down the road seeing if there's anything you can do to help J. and your son build a relationship now.
posted by Stacey at 5:32 AM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
I have two half-siblings I knew for a short time when I was so young I barely recall it, and they don't recall it at all. Then none of us saw each other for about 20 years, although the oldest sib and I occasionally wrote each other a letter. I grew up with the understanding that my biological father did not want to be part of my life or have his kids be part of my life beyond letter-writing and Christmas cards.
In my late 20s/early 30s I was able to re-establish some contact with my siblings, and at some point that involved spending a little bit of time with my father and stepmother. During which time my stepmother made it clear that her version of the story is that my mother whisked me away and wanted me to have nothing to do with their side of the family.
I've never taken this information back to my mother to ask for her side of the story or try to figure out the truth of what really happened. It's so far in the past that I don't see that doing any good - and besides, my guess is they both think they're telling the truth. Custody-sharing must be hard as hell, I can't even imagine it, and I'm pretty sure everyone involved was trying to be decent people at the time.
It wound up hurting me, and my siblings, and it's heartbreaking to me that we'll probably never really completely be able to fix that. And I do wonder occasionally, in an idle moment, what really went down between my assorted parents and step-parents that took a potential sibling relationship away from us. Especially when I found out later that there were some things my siblings went through that I could really have helped with, but I wasn't there and didn't know, and I'll still feel guilty about that on my deathbed even though it wasn't my fault at all.
But I'd rather get to know my siblings now than open those old wounds. What's lost is lost. I don't know whether J. would feel the same, but she might.
In your shoes I would focus now on helping everyone through this awful time, and letting S. take the lead on how or if she wants to address this with her daughter, and down the road seeing if there's anything you can do to help J. and your son build a relationship now.
posted by Stacey at 5:32 AM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Speaking only to the "can you mend the present" part -
When I met a dear friend, we were in our late 20's. He had a half-brother who was in his early teens, through his father's re-marriage to another woman. He always had a difficult relationship with his father, but wanted a relationship with his half-brother - however, his stepmother got vindictive and would periodically shut my friend out. He saw his half-brother when he was a very little boy, but then not at all - then a little bit when I first met them. But then his stepmother blocked him out again.
So then my friend waited four years until his half-brother was 18, and in college. He found out his dorm room and reached out to initiate contact on his own. His half-brother, who also wanted to be in contact, responded, and the two of them built a relationship on their own. The happy ending is: my friend got married in April, and his half-brother was one of his groomsmen. (And he and I were at the same tale at the reception and bonded over how awesome it was that my friend's bride finally convinced him to get a cell phone.)
So yes, two half-siblings who liked each other a lot but got kept apart by fate can definitely bond in the present.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:09 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
When I met a dear friend, we were in our late 20's. He had a half-brother who was in his early teens, through his father's re-marriage to another woman. He always had a difficult relationship with his father, but wanted a relationship with his half-brother - however, his stepmother got vindictive and would periodically shut my friend out. He saw his half-brother when he was a very little boy, but then not at all - then a little bit when I first met them. But then his stepmother blocked him out again.
So then my friend waited four years until his half-brother was 18, and in college. He found out his dorm room and reached out to initiate contact on his own. His half-brother, who also wanted to be in contact, responded, and the two of them built a relationship on their own. The happy ending is: my friend got married in April, and his half-brother was one of his groomsmen. (And he and I were at the same tale at the reception and bonded over how awesome it was that my friend's bride finally convinced him to get a cell phone.)
So yes, two half-siblings who liked each other a lot but got kept apart by fate can definitely bond in the present.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:09 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know what, the past is past.
I'd work on having an awesome now and future.
See if you can arrange for both kids and both moms to start doing some things together. Perhaps you all make a trip to visit J and her husband in their city. Offer to host a holiday dinner. Be friends on Facebook.
My Mom and her brother had a strained relationship while we were kids. We had seen our cousins a few times while we were young. As the siblings aged, they reached a rapproachment and have now become friends. My cousins and I are on Facebook, we see each other at family functions. We're not as close as we'd like to be, but it's so much better than it used to be.
I wouldn't bother dealing with your Ex. Whatever it was that he did or didn't do, he can't change it now.
I'm sure that J's mother has filled her in, and that J would be receptive to overtures from you and your son.
J will need the love and support of her friends and family when her mom dies, so why not reach out now?
Good Luck!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:18 AM on August 21, 2013
I'd work on having an awesome now and future.
See if you can arrange for both kids and both moms to start doing some things together. Perhaps you all make a trip to visit J and her husband in their city. Offer to host a holiday dinner. Be friends on Facebook.
My Mom and her brother had a strained relationship while we were kids. We had seen our cousins a few times while we were young. As the siblings aged, they reached a rapproachment and have now become friends. My cousins and I are on Facebook, we see each other at family functions. We're not as close as we'd like to be, but it's so much better than it used to be.
I wouldn't bother dealing with your Ex. Whatever it was that he did or didn't do, he can't change it now.
I'm sure that J's mother has filled her in, and that J would be receptive to overtures from you and your son.
J will need the love and support of her friends and family when her mom dies, so why not reach out now?
Good Luck!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:18 AM on August 21, 2013
Best answer: J. is 35 and her mother is dying. I think you should focus on letting her know that you wish you had spent more time with her when she was a kid and that you would welcome more contact now or anytime. As far as your letter to her mom I don't think you need to go into the details, speculate on reasons, or shit on your mutual ex. Just let her know that you'll always be there for her daughter.
Since you were supporting the family when you lived with your ex it's possible, to put generous spin on things, that he felt guilty about not being able to provide for his daughter and didn't want to add to the household expenses by having her over more. At this point it's really not that important to dig into this all, just look to the future.
I'm the mother of grown kids, have been through somewhat similar situations, feel free to memail.
posted by mareli at 6:34 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Since you were supporting the family when you lived with your ex it's possible, to put generous spin on things, that he felt guilty about not being able to provide for his daughter and didn't want to add to the household expenses by having her over more. At this point it's really not that important to dig into this all, just look to the future.
I'm the mother of grown kids, have been through somewhat similar situations, feel free to memail.
posted by mareli at 6:34 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
There is a 35-year-old woman who is about to lose her mother out there, and she could use as many caring adults in her life as possible. Let the past be water under the bridge, and move forward, hand-in-hand with her mother, to be there for her. To that end, it's not worth it to send that letter. Your ex can't change the past either, and if you're writing it in the hopes that you'll get an apology, remember that expectations are just unrealized resentments. It's absolutely okay to look forward, expect nothing, and roll with it as life unfolds. If J.'s mother is entering hospice, please know that though you and your son are not blood relatives, hospice is there for you too. You can benefit from all of the services hospice care provides, including grief counseling, classes, and social workers who can help connect you to resources as an extended family of fictive kin.
posted by juniperesque at 7:41 AM on August 21, 2013
posted by juniperesque at 7:41 AM on August 21, 2013
Response by poster: I don't know if I can express my thanks strongly enough. Your answers give me so much to go forward with and I'm really grateful.
I'm going to send a shortened version of my letter/email to S., letting her know my regrets and assuring her that I will do my best to support J. in the future. I am going to talk to my ex, to ask him about his side of things, but with no real expectation of getting an answer that will make sense (he is and always has been a poor communicator, which was one of our big problems originally). I'm going to ask my son to come and visit S. with me next month, if she's up to it. All I can do now is try to be present and supportive, and that's my plan. There's no place in this for my personal drama (there's a place for anger and regret, but that's different, and it's mine to work through). Thanks again Mefi. You're the best.
posted by jokeefe at 7:42 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm going to send a shortened version of my letter/email to S., letting her know my regrets and assuring her that I will do my best to support J. in the future. I am going to talk to my ex, to ask him about his side of things, but with no real expectation of getting an answer that will make sense (he is and always has been a poor communicator, which was one of our big problems originally). I'm going to ask my son to come and visit S. with me next month, if she's up to it. All I can do now is try to be present and supportive, and that's my plan. There's no place in this for my personal drama (there's a place for anger and regret, but that's different, and it's mine to work through). Thanks again Mefi. You're the best.
posted by jokeefe at 7:42 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Not really advice but perhaps a comfort to you; at 35 having dealt with wedding planning and a dying parent, it's very liekly that J has developed a more accurate assessment of her father's personality and poor communication skills. They have their own relationship now. It's very unlikely that S told her child her father's given reason for never staying over, and it' also likely that while she loves her dad she can understand why he's twice divorced. Even if she was told, she has a lot of experience communicating with her father on an adult level at this point. Just offer to be there for J and encourage your son to do the same if he expresses an interest. Time will heal even more.
posted by itsonreserve at 8:42 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by itsonreserve at 8:42 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
But if S. conveyed to my stepdaughter that I had intentionally limited her presence in my son's life, I would like to try and address that if possible, and tell her it's not true. But then what will she do with this information about her father?
I think you absolutely should let your stepdaughter J. know about all this, in detail.
J. undoubtedly wanted more from her father than she ever got, and the lie he told about you to deflect blame for his unwillingness or incapacity to give it was very likely only one of many designed to maintain the facade of a loving, concerned, and engaged father when reality was quite different.
As a child, this bodyguard of lies could have kept her from accepting whatever love her stepfather had to offer, and as an adult could possibly have rendered her less capable of loving partners who genuinely loved her back, and pushed her into a pattern of obsessive relationships with distant, manipulative and unavailable mates, and fostered a jealous and unhealthily competitive attitude toward other women, as well.
Late as it is, whatever baggage she's still carrying from her father's lies will prove easier to shed once she knows where it really came from.
And when her mother does die, she'll reach out once again to her father-- and probably be deflected again, and knowing what you have to tell her might save her from devastation at that point.
But then she might turn to you, and I think you need to be prepared for that if you choose to open this up.
posted by jamjam at 10:58 AM on August 21, 2013
I think you absolutely should let your stepdaughter J. know about all this, in detail.
J. undoubtedly wanted more from her father than she ever got, and the lie he told about you to deflect blame for his unwillingness or incapacity to give it was very likely only one of many designed to maintain the facade of a loving, concerned, and engaged father when reality was quite different.
As a child, this bodyguard of lies could have kept her from accepting whatever love her stepfather had to offer, and as an adult could possibly have rendered her less capable of loving partners who genuinely loved her back, and pushed her into a pattern of obsessive relationships with distant, manipulative and unavailable mates, and fostered a jealous and unhealthily competitive attitude toward other women, as well.
Late as it is, whatever baggage she's still carrying from her father's lies will prove easier to shed once she knows where it really came from.
And when her mother does die, she'll reach out once again to her father-- and probably be deflected again, and knowing what you have to tell her might save her from devastation at that point.
But then she might turn to you, and I think you need to be prepared for that if you choose to open this up.
posted by jamjam at 10:58 AM on August 21, 2013
writing as another step-child here: when my stepmother was diagnosed with cancer (though not at the time terminal), she and my dad invited me to a conversation, where my dad admitted that he had been embarrassed by my existence while I was a child. Over time, my stepmom and her family had made him understand he was wrong, but they'd all forgotten to tell me.
This is one of the most important and life-changing conversations I've ever had. It meant I could share the responsibilities and grief when my stepmother and dad became really ill and died, many, many years later. It gave me an explanation for all the things I had experienced and not understood as a child. It broke my heart and then renewed my life, as it completely changed my understanding of being.
Try to get your ex in on this - he was wrong, but we are all human. I forgave my father, and now when he is gone, it is far better to have forgiven him than to live with the anger.
posted by mumimor at 11:27 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is one of the most important and life-changing conversations I've ever had. It meant I could share the responsibilities and grief when my stepmother and dad became really ill and died, many, many years later. It gave me an explanation for all the things I had experienced and not understood as a child. It broke my heart and then renewed my life, as it completely changed my understanding of being.
Try to get your ex in on this - he was wrong, but we are all human. I forgave my father, and now when he is gone, it is far better to have forgiven him than to live with the anger.
posted by mumimor at 11:27 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think you're taking the right tack. There is nothing to be lost by reaching out and telling people that you will be there for them that you love them and will support them.
I personally would let the issue with the ex stay in the past at least until you can be open to hearing what he has to say. A one-off comment or strange impression 20 years in the past is really hard to parse all these years later. Maybe *he* didn't want to incorporate you into his daughter's life right in the beginning (not uncommon and sometimes good for the child) but as the years went on, he never readdressed this and all of you had a different impression formed by habit and unresolved and uncommunicated issues. It happens.
Assume no malice here and you'll have better luck making this right.
posted by amanda at 8:51 AM on August 23, 2013
I personally would let the issue with the ex stay in the past at least until you can be open to hearing what he has to say. A one-off comment or strange impression 20 years in the past is really hard to parse all these years later. Maybe *he* didn't want to incorporate you into his daughter's life right in the beginning (not uncommon and sometimes good for the child) but as the years went on, he never readdressed this and all of you had a different impression formed by habit and unresolved and uncommunicated issues. It happens.
Assume no malice here and you'll have better luck making this right.
posted by amanda at 8:51 AM on August 23, 2013
Response by poster: An update, just in case anyone is following this. I sent a much shorter version of my email to S essentially saying I was sorry for the lost opportunities, that I didn't intend any malice, and because I'd had excellent advice here, emphasizing my hope to be a support to her and J. today and in the future. She wrote back right away to thank me, to say that she was going to talk to J. and asked if she could forward my email to her. I said of course she could. Message from J. on Facebook to agree that she would love to meet up when she was next in town. I have another visit to S. planned in the next few weeks; I'm going to invite my son to come along.
Then I waited a few days and called my ex. We talked for a good hour, and it was hugely positive. Again, I thank the advice I had here-- I was able to lower my expectations, stay on the "I" statements, and listen. Towards the end he noted that it was the first honest conversation we had had in about 16 years (true). I was able to admit that because of my own troubled relationship with my mother at the time, I likely felt in some ways incompetent to be the stepmother to a daughter, and was too exhausted (self-absorbed?) to try and be a friend. This, along with poor communication on both our parts, ended up being translated to a rejection. He also admitted that he didn't take enough initiative... We both agreed on our incomplete communication (I did ask him to go to couples counselling, back in the day, which he sabotaged), to how unhappy we both were, and going forward affirmed our support for S., for J., and for our son.
So again, thank you for being the best sounding board I could have ever asked for. It's been an emotional week, but I feel lighter: when the past gets locked into your memory in a certain way, it is both frightening and freeing to pull it apart again.
posted by jokeefe at 1:03 PM on August 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
Then I waited a few days and called my ex. We talked for a good hour, and it was hugely positive. Again, I thank the advice I had here-- I was able to lower my expectations, stay on the "I" statements, and listen. Towards the end he noted that it was the first honest conversation we had had in about 16 years (true). I was able to admit that because of my own troubled relationship with my mother at the time, I likely felt in some ways incompetent to be the stepmother to a daughter, and was too exhausted (self-absorbed?) to try and be a friend. This, along with poor communication on both our parts, ended up being translated to a rejection. He also admitted that he didn't take enough initiative... We both agreed on our incomplete communication (I did ask him to go to couples counselling, back in the day, which he sabotaged), to how unhappy we both were, and going forward affirmed our support for S., for J., and for our son.
So again, thank you for being the best sounding board I could have ever asked for. It's been an emotional week, but I feel lighter: when the past gets locked into your memory in a certain way, it is both frightening and freeing to pull it apart again.
posted by jokeefe at 1:03 PM on August 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh, and I should have mentioned: he said that the reason he'd told S. that I supposedly didn't want their daughter around was just because "It seemed like you wanted it that way. I just got that feeling." Which is a cautionary tale about actually talking with your partner about important things rather than making assumptions. Oy.
posted by jokeefe at 1:19 PM on August 24, 2013
posted by jokeefe at 1:19 PM on August 24, 2013
« Older Help me find a multi-line (4-8 lines preferred)... | Any recommendations for non-US and non-UK Web... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 9:10 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]