That didn't go how I planned
August 18, 2013 5:25 PM   Subscribe

A rough first impression . . .

So my mom and my SO met for the first time today. I guess I had it built up in my head how they would get along swimmingly. That's . . . not how it happened.

Nothing terrible happened, I guess, but SO was SO NERVOUS. He wasn't acting like himself at all. He wasn't engaged in the convo, kept looking down, etc. My mom was a bit puzzled at his behavior and he was just a wreck.

I am sick over this. I wanted her to see how awesome he is and understand why I love him so much. He wanted to make a wonderful impression. Neither of these things happened and I'm left feeling like I've lost my mother's approval yet again. This is ridiculous because I'm 28 and he's 31.

Questions:
1. How do I get over this feeling of needing my mom to absolutely love my boyfriend? I love him and even my mom says that is what matters, but I can't help but feel I've failed somehow, in choosing a properly gregarious mate or something.
2. How can I help my guy be more relaxed next time? He didn't act at all with her the way he does with me or with my friends. I almost felt like, where did my boyfriend go?
posted by chainsofreedom to Human Relations (25 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
You're 28, you don't need your mother's approval, seriously. That said, she probably approves of anybody that makes you legitimately happy! Make less of a big deal out of it next time (if you did make a big deal out of it) and it will be more natural. And the time after that even more natural.

There's no magic answer, unless you want to slip your SO beta blockers or something... (don't do that!).
posted by wrok at 5:29 PM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


Could #1 be contributing to #2? In other words, could the fact that this is so, so, so important to you be increasing the pressure on him?
posted by salvia at 5:33 PM on August 18, 2013 [15 favorites]


If this is for the long haul, your mom will get to know the real person in there eventually. Making this into a Big Thing is only going to stress everybody out more. Ease off forcing them to have a super relationship right off the bat - your stress is going to be obvious to everyone involved and only heighten the awkwardness. Things will work themselves out.
posted by something something at 5:33 PM on August 18, 2013 [6 favorites]


Best answer: Sooner or later he'll relax and your Mom will indeed see how great he is --- he's just nervous, it happens to LOTS of people when meeting someone as important as their SO's parent.

If it makes you feel better, have a laugh at this:
Decades ago, when it was far less common or socially acceptable, one of my sisters called our parents to say she was pregnant out of wedlock.... fireworks ensued. When the baby was born, my mother immediately flew across country to do the grandmother thing; she was met at the airport by my sister's boyfriend: a Filipino with a perm --- think a '70s-style afro! --- a torn 'wifebeater' T-shirt, and several colorful tattoos (this was before tats were as socially acceptable or common as they are now). He escorted her to his car, which he then started by poking around under the hood with a screwdriver. She said that when she asked when were they planning to get married, all he could do was stammer.

Over time, they did get past that awful first impression, and all was well. Your fella will be fine too.
posted by easily confused at 5:43 PM on August 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I am sick over this. I wanted her to see how awesome he is and understand why I love him so much.

Is it possible your insanely high expectations play a large role in your boyfriend's anxiety? To be completely honest, whilst I think it's important for partners to make an effort with friends, family etc, I don't think they should be obliged to be charming, effervescent etc. If your boyfriend showed up, was polite, wore pants etc, I think the onus is on you to resolve your feelings, and fears about this, rather than him.

Comfort yourself by know that, if you are serious, your boyfriend and mum will be seeing each other plenty over the years, and will have all the time in the world to develop a meaningful relationship. Your expectations were more like putting someone up on a blind date, and expecting them to be engaged by dessert!

As first impressions go, you (he) have nothing at all to worry about it. Goodness, he said and did nothing offensive, and your own mother has said in effect that she's happy that you're happy - so forget it.

As far as number #2, I would suggest you take the pressure of your BF (and yourself). It's obvious he knew what a HUGE deal this was to you, and anyone would struggle with that level of expectation. I bet the number one source of his anxiety was your anxiety; free yourself, and you free him, too. And if he's not relaxed, so what? He will be, eventually. Was it like a one-on-one thing? Maybe next time get some other family or friends involved that he already knows and feels comfortable with, pad out the intensity a little.

Honestly, it sounds like everything went fine; don't catastrophise this one, short, meeting. And don't freak out assuming you have to - or can - "fix" it. It will fix itself, given time. :)
posted by smoke at 5:45 PM on August 18, 2013 [13 favorites]


I agree with others that your expectations were unrealistically high. Presuming that your mother is not crazy, one of the things that she is going to do when meeting her child's boyfriend for the first time is try to get an objective impression of him -- are you good together? Are there red flags that you might not be seeing? Even if you're happy, she'll have protective instincts.

And remember, you've known your mother for 28 years, but he hasn't met her. For many people, meeting a SO's parent is like meeting their boss's boss. You don't necessarily behave the same way you do with your peers.

As long as the meeting didn't end with one of them hating or despising the other, it went well. With time, things should get better.
posted by brianogilvie at 5:54 PM on August 18, 2013


Response by poster: I guess I just worry that she will always remember him as the guy who didn't ask her any questions and wasn't a strong personality. She has said that she feels I need a rock and I think he came across as weaker/gentler. She feels I need someone more aggressive or assertive.

The tattooed Filipino beau story has calmed my nerves a bit though. As well as the suggestion that as long as he wore pants, showed up on time, and didn't swear that it went well.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:13 PM on August 18, 2013


Best answer: This is an ongoing battle. I'm seven years into a relationship that has been full of drama of all kinds in which, in some ways, I've been by all accounts, a fairly spectacular partner. My mother-in-law has never been anything but kind and wonderful to me. But we are still often awkward as fuck around each other. I'm sure if we saw each other more often or we both weren't trying so hard, it would be easier. But we're not moving and we aren't going to chill out about the fact that we both love the same dude, so it's just keep on loving and trying until it gets better or I get less neurotic. (Smart money is on the former.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:15 PM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


If she's telling you what she thinks you need as opposed to what she saw in a one-time meeting of your partner, I would let go of trying to please her, full stop. That's just way out of bounds. You're an adult and you know what you want and need in a partner.
posted by something something at 6:16 PM on August 18, 2013 [6 favorites]


As I was meeting my now mother-in-law for the first time I dropped a heavy laptop bag on her much loved, elderly dog's head. Being European I attempted to kiss her on the cheek and she misunderstood, moved her head to avoid, and we ended up with a full smacker on the lips.

We get on great now and you have nothing to worry about.
posted by merocet at 6:16 PM on August 18, 2013 [6 favorites]


Wow, OK, deep breaths! If you are "sick" over things not being chummy right out of the gate, then your standards are unreasonably high. It's OK to be slightly awkward around someone! It happens!

If your mom's puzzlement really means she's withdrawing her "approval", then she also has unreasonably high standards. :/

To answer question 1: Whether your mother approves of you does not change who you are; you are a capable person no matter what she thinks. You can listen to her opinion but make your own decisions! You value your mother and boyfriend and want them to get along, so set a more reasonable standard for what you need. "My mother must love my boyfriend as much as I do" is an ideal, pretty much the absolute best thing that can happen and not something reasonable to expect right away, if ever. Perhaps a more reasonable standard would be, "my mother is civil to my boyfriend when he is present" (if that's the minimum you can tolerate).

To answer question 2: Don't even talk to your boyfriend about how he behaves in front of your mother. Reassure him that you trust him to handle himself, and that your feelings toward him are not predicated on what your mother thinks (if this is true!). Reassure him that a reasonable standard for him to aim for is, "I will be civil to my girlfriend's mother." Everything above that is gravy.
posted by zennie at 6:32 PM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


She feels I need someone more aggressive or assertive.

Unless you are the sort of person who would DTMFA because your mother said this in response to her first impression, you are really overthinking 1 & 2.

What's more important here, a good first impression or a good impression on future meetings? You can help your guy be more relaxed by not acting like so much is riding on a short meeting. Unless you're going to call off any future meetings, there's other chances.
posted by yohko at 6:40 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


She has said that she feels I need a rock and I think he came across as weaker/gentler. She feels I need someone more aggressive or assertive.

Every culture is different but in my culture it is totally inappropriate for a parent to start giving kids advice on what sort of partner they "need." First impressions are often awkward and this is really a chance to show your partner that you are on Team Us with him and not on Team Family with your mom. This is a challenge for many people as they get older and date and develop more serious relationships and parents have to adjust to a changing role in their children's lives. If she always remembers him as the guy she met for the first time after meeting him dozens or hundreds more times after that, that's sort of on her.

Advice for next time is be someplace where he is in his element and make it clear to him that this time the meeting is just one of many and that it's more important to enjoy yourself than to make the best impression. Meeting parents is tough, cut everyone (you, mom, him) a lot of slack.
posted by jessamyn at 6:43 PM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


Best answer: You're not going to like this, but this is on you and only you. You have got to get over whatever need it is that you have for your mom to be overwhelmingly approving of your partner because it is going to seriously damage your relationship with him from here on out if you don't. You are a grown woman. Your mother actually does not have to like or approve of your partner at all if he is who you love and want to be with. Stop being dissatisfied with him because he is shy or whatever and stop obsessing over this, period. Whatever you're trying to prove to your mom or yourself is not worth losing your partner over. Let this go, and inform your mother that you alone know what you need and he's it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:45 PM on August 18, 2013 [19 favorites]


Best answer: chainsofreedom: "She has said that she feels I need a rock and I think he came across as weaker/gentler. She feels I need someone more aggressive or assertive. "

She can keep her opinions to herself. You're a grown woman. What your mom is doing is projecting - she's being the same pushy woman she's always been to you, and saying you need that in an SO.

That said, perhaps you need to chill out a little too. It sounds like you've been playing this up so much, your guy was a wreck!
posted by notsnot at 6:50 PM on August 18, 2013 [4 favorites]


You're overthinking all of this. If he's a good dude they'll come to know that. If they don't ever come to know that but you love him then who cares what they do or don't like. You're a grown ass woman with your own life, not a mere extension of their hopes and desires.
posted by The Monkey at 7:01 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


1. You know who was famous for being immediately charming and winsome to female strangers he wanted to make a great impression on? Ted Bundy. Being charming on first impression really doesn't have anything to do with whether he's a great partner for you; or even how your mom's relationship with him will eventually be. And just because she imagined you in the abstract as benefiting from a "rock" doesn't mean that she won't come to love him when she sees you happy with him long term. A "rock" is a man you can depend on, not a smooth first-impressions-maker.

2. Stop stewing about this. Love him, that's all. And don't force the issue by trying to make a "new" impression. He's in your life, don't make a Thing about them getting to know each other. It'll happen organically.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:57 PM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


You cannot control who likes whom.
posted by telstar at 8:11 PM on August 18, 2013


I guess I just worry that she will always remember him as...

She doesn't have to "remember" him, she will presumably meet him again and will actually get to know him.
posted by jacalata at 9:38 PM on August 18, 2013 [5 favorites]


You're wayyyy overreacting-- think of this as the first of many meetings. There will be time for them to build a relationship. Over time, if he's good for you, she will have a vested interest in liking him (to stay close to you).

The first time my mom met my boyfriend he was super shy and barely ate anything. It mattered... not at all. Same thing when I've met my boyfriends' parents over the years, and we always end up getting along, despite my deep shyness. Also no one curr what your mom thinks. (At least, they shouldn't.)
posted by stoneandstar at 9:46 PM on August 18, 2013


I'm not a man, but if I were your man, I'd be seriously questioning where I fit in your life considering that you're so hung up on pleasing your mother. Suppose you and your man decide to spend the rest of your lives together ... how important is it going to be to you to know that your mother approves if you two decide to move to Alaska or take up hang gliding or go on a mission to war-torn Ethiopia or have seven children or have no children or ... whatever? If I were in his boots, I'd be wondering exactly that. You have some serious work to do to get your priorities rearranged - and I say this in kindness as someone who took a very long time to figure that out.
posted by aryma at 9:52 PM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


As a guy, when I first met my in-laws, all I could think of was that they were thinking, "Hey he is schtupping our daughter." It makes you very nervous/uncomfortable to think that they are thinking that. Turns out, my in-laws liked me just fine.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:09 PM on August 18, 2013


When my folks first met Husbunny he was riddled with social anxiety and it was about a week or so before our wedding. No one was at his or her best.

It's been eleven years and the funny thing is that all of my parents friends think that Husbunny is the bee's knees. When we mix and mingle with everyone, the feedback is great. "Husbunny is so sweet, he loves Ruthless so much, he's so helpful." My folks have learned to appreciate Husbunny, even though we are all outgoing and loud and he is shy and quiet. They love him because he loves me.

It was unfair of you to put so much pressure on your boyfriend and on your Mom. Most people don't fall in love instantly, as long as your Mom realizes that he's nice and that you love him, that's all that needs to happen at first. They'll have plenty of time to get to know each other over the years. Don't try to force it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:14 AM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks for the stories everyone. It has helped a ton. This is totally my issue - I didn't think I was anxious about this but as the time for the meeting came closer I got more and more worked up. He and I are similar personalities and I have struggled to be social with my mother in the way she expects so I don't know why I thought SO would be able to do so right off the bat.

I will be talking about this with my therapist because the main issue is definitely my anxiety and me looking for things to be "wrong" with this relationship as a way to protect myself from getting hurt down the road. An ongoing issue for me, but the first time it really flared up in this relationship (we've been together 5 months. I think the mom-meeting was probably too soon but she was visiting and it seemed like a good opportunity).

But thanks for talking me down last night and today. Your responses, plus Xanax, have made me feel much calmer.
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:09 AM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: If anyone is still reading this, I wanted to pop back in for an update.

I invited my SO to my family's Thanksgiving celebration. He and I were both nervous but it went SO WELL. I really took zennie's suggestion to heart: that I should keep in mind a minimum standard of behavior for everyone involved, which I decided should be "Everyone should be able to chat with each other in a civil manner." This is exactly what happened, and it made it SO much easier for me to accept that my mother was a little colder than I had hoped for and that my boyfriend was a little shyer than I had hoped for. By the final day, we were all hanging out drinking coffee and chatting like normal people, and while they didn't get along like a house on fire, everyone was friendly and normal.

:-D
posted by chainsofreedom at 2:20 PM on November 30, 2013 [5 favorites]


« Older Will throwing money at it solve my problem?   |   How to accept failure when your best isn't good... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.