Should I be the one who got away?
August 18, 2013 8:36 AM Subscribe
Two women, two very different paths in life. Is there a third option that I can't see? Excessive detail inside.
posted by MyFrozenYear to human relations (33 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I was married for about nine years, length of relationship about 14, since I was 19 years old, with an emotionally abusive woman. I've been divorced from my ex-wife for just about two.
The last two years have been personally amazing, though emotionally trying, for me. I've loved exploring and living on my own, doing what I want to do, for the first time in my adult life.
It probably comes as no surprise that the main stressors in my life now are new relationships. Here's the current situation.
I'm romantically involved with two women:
The first I've known for many years. We got together last year for a few months. She dumped her live-in boyfriend instantly and it was on. We were long distance (NY to DC), but things worked beautifully (it was like the heavens opened up for me, emotionally) and I was prepared to move to be closer to her. Last fall she decided she hadn't ended things well with her boyfriend and has since been in a state of non-relationship stasis living with him ever since. He's unemployed and depressed, she's depressed (though in therapy and on meds for it) supporting him, and they can't seem to break out of the failed relationship. Through this whole time she's professed her undying love to me, but needs more time to "end it properly." We both agree that our time together was perfect, but I simply don't know how to proceed with a person who doesn't have the strength to leave a bad relationship for a potentially amazing one. I broke off most contact in April, but a secret visit she made to me in June has me reeling again. In the meantime, I've been hanging on for her for nearly a year now.
The second woman is here at home. We're also incredibly compatible and I have a wonderful time with her. She's going through a divorce and has a child, which makes seeing each other difficult. There is a part of me that feels I could be happy with her long-term, and she is absolutely sure about me from her perspective. We've been there for each other since we both decided to divorce our spouses, as friends, and more recently as lovers. But I don't want to stay here at home any more, and I know getting involved long-term with a woman with a younger child (nine) will force me to stay here in the suburbs indefinitely. But her emotional stability and strength are huge for me, and I know we'd be great together.
Am I crazy to keep holding on for a woman still involved with someone else, no matter how lovelessly? I'm considering moving to DC to start a new life with or without her … but I feel stuck. I tried dating, and just being alone, and my thoughts just keep going back to that wonderful time we had. It's pure misery. Your thoughts? Admonishments? What's the third option?