Should I send my ex-wife an article on "Sensory Processing Disorder"?
August 17, 2013 10:35 PM Subscribe
I am recently divorced as of August 7. I believe one of the contributing factors leading to divorce was my ex-wife's tactile defensiveness.
Tactile defensiveness can be a symptom of a condition called "Sensory Processing Disorder". I just found out this condition existed today.
Here is my question: Should I send my ex-wife the below link which contains information about "Sensory Processing Disorder"?
She has made it clear that she does not want to have any contact with me. She told the police that she didn't want to talk to me, and the police said I could be charged with harassment if I was to contact her. There are no restraining orders or protection orders against me. I have no criminal record (except for a couple speeding tickets).
I don't want to go to jail, but at the same time I want her to get help. I believe this condition has the potential to interfere with all of her future relationships. Please note that there is a strong possibility she would not even open the link as she does not believe she has any room for improvement.
To sum it all up, should I send the email? Should I make it an anonymous email? Should I not try and help her and instead focus on myself?
http://ct.counseling.org/2011/04/dont-touch-me/
Tactile defensiveness can be a symptom of a condition called "Sensory Processing Disorder". I just found out this condition existed today.
Here is my question: Should I send my ex-wife the below link which contains information about "Sensory Processing Disorder"?
She has made it clear that she does not want to have any contact with me. She told the police that she didn't want to talk to me, and the police said I could be charged with harassment if I was to contact her. There are no restraining orders or protection orders against me. I have no criminal record (except for a couple speeding tickets).
I don't want to go to jail, but at the same time I want her to get help. I believe this condition has the potential to interfere with all of her future relationships. Please note that there is a strong possibility she would not even open the link as she does not believe she has any room for improvement.
To sum it all up, should I send the email? Should I make it an anonymous email? Should I not try and help her and instead focus on myself?
http://ct.counseling.org/2011/04/dont-touch-me/
She has made it clear that she does not want to have any contact with me
Don't contact her.
Should I not try and help her and instead focus on myself?
Yes!!!!!
posted by hazyjane at 10:41 PM on August 17, 2013 [37 favorites]
Don't contact her.
Should I not try and help her and instead focus on myself?
Yes!!!!!
posted by hazyjane at 10:41 PM on August 17, 2013 [37 favorites]
Aside from the fact that this isn't going to help and it's not your responsibility, anyway, you cannot diagnose someone with something based on one article you read about it on the internet.
If the police were involved in this in any way, the two of you have problems that go way, way, way, WAY past one party's potential sensory processing difficulties. Respect that and move on.
posted by Sequence at 10:57 PM on August 17, 2013 [12 favorites]
If the police were involved in this in any way, the two of you have problems that go way, way, way, WAY past one party's potential sensory processing difficulties. Respect that and move on.
posted by Sequence at 10:57 PM on August 17, 2013 [12 favorites]
The only thing worse than diagnosing yourself on the internet is diagnosing someone else. The fact that you want to continue trying to get in touch with her despite the fact that she ordered you to cease contact with her is a little frightening. Do not, under any circumstances, contact her without going through a lawyer.
posted by theraflu at 10:57 PM on August 17, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by theraflu at 10:57 PM on August 17, 2013 [12 favorites]
Do not contact her. Focus on yourself. There is no way in which sending her that article will help the situation. If you believe there is something you need to contact her about (and I'm talking about dividing property, bank accounts, taxes, etc..., not advice on what may be wrong with her), discuss that with your divorce lawyer first. She has plenty of time to work on whatever she needs to work on without your involvement. Right now is the time to focus on yourself and respect her wishes by not contacting her.
posted by zachlipton at 11:02 PM on August 17, 2013
posted by zachlipton at 11:02 PM on August 17, 2013
With all due respect, if you feel that your wife's desire to not be touched by you ever contributed to the demise of your marriage, and if that led to the police getting involved in your divorce, maybe you should consider that she was setting boundaries that you ignored, and that's your problem to solve, not hers.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:09 PM on August 17, 2013 [53 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:09 PM on August 17, 2013 [53 favorites]
"I don't want to go to jail, but..."
Back the fuck off and get real. Stay away from her in all ways.
posted by oceanjesse at 11:10 PM on August 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
Back the fuck off and get real. Stay away from her in all ways.
posted by oceanjesse at 11:10 PM on August 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
I hope that came across as too strong because your idea was a really bad one.
I think you should get some counseling -- you just went through a divorce!
posted by oceanjesse at 11:13 PM on August 17, 2013
I think you should get some counseling -- you just went through a divorce!
posted by oceanjesse at 11:13 PM on August 17, 2013
Additionally, if both she and the police have threatened legal action against you for getting in touch with her for any reason, how could you possibly believe that she (or the police) would view your misguided attempt to "help" her by armchair diagnosing her with a disorder you are not qualified to diagnose as kindly and well-intentioned?
Stop focusing on her and move on.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:13 PM on August 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
Stop focusing on her and move on.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:13 PM on August 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is not a viable excuse to contact her. There is no viable excuse to contact her. Don't try to contact her.
Consider therapy, as you might benefit from some help in processing the fact that this person wants nothing to do with you and your relationship is over.
posted by windykites at 11:27 PM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Consider therapy, as you might benefit from some help in processing the fact that this person wants nothing to do with you and your relationship is over.
posted by windykites at 11:27 PM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: First of all, no, do not send this to your ex wife. You need to not contact her for your own sake, as well as hers.
Second, it seems like you are looking for explanations for parts of what must have fallen apart in your marriage. Finding out about this particular condition could be helping you come to a place of not blaming yourself for what happened to your marriage. But marriages don't fail for only one reason, and finding out the diagnosis and name for a problem that your partner may have had could be giving you some false hope that if she could just fix that problem, all would be well and you could get back together and say the whole divorce thing was a silly mistake. If you step back a little bit I bet you will see that the reality of what went wrong and why is probably much more complex than just her having a Sensory Processing Disorder.
It is certainly possible that she has this condition and that it would be helpful for her to know that, but think about how anyone (ex-wife, or other) recognizes faults or flaws in themselves and works to change. It has to come from them, not from an anonymous email or letter, and certainly not from a recently estranged ex. Please take our advice and stop yourself from going any further down this path, and focus on healing yourself.
posted by gubenuj at 11:34 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Second, it seems like you are looking for explanations for parts of what must have fallen apart in your marriage. Finding out about this particular condition could be helping you come to a place of not blaming yourself for what happened to your marriage. But marriages don't fail for only one reason, and finding out the diagnosis and name for a problem that your partner may have had could be giving you some false hope that if she could just fix that problem, all would be well and you could get back together and say the whole divorce thing was a silly mistake. If you step back a little bit I bet you will see that the reality of what went wrong and why is probably much more complex than just her having a Sensory Processing Disorder.
It is certainly possible that she has this condition and that it would be helpful for her to know that, but think about how anyone (ex-wife, or other) recognizes faults or flaws in themselves and works to change. It has to come from them, not from an anonymous email or letter, and certainly not from a recently estranged ex. Please take our advice and stop yourself from going any further down this path, and focus on healing yourself.
posted by gubenuj at 11:34 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I am not going to contact her. I know nothing good will come from it.
I'm just trying to process why the fuck she asked me for a divorce after less than a year of marriage.
I'm also trying to figure out why she is completely cutting me out of her life.
It's not easy shit to deal with when your first long term relationship turns into a marriage that implodes before your eyes.
The police involvement had nothing to do with her tactile defensiveness or inappropriate touch on my part. I always respected her physical boundaries.
I thought she was having an affair. She had given me her email password in the past. I used it to check her email for evidence. She called the police. I regret that I invaded her privacy.
I will be the first to admit that I made mistakes in the marriage. It takes two to make a marriage successful and two to lead to the breakdown of a marriage.
posted by speedoavenger at 11:39 PM on August 17, 2013
I'm just trying to process why the fuck she asked me for a divorce after less than a year of marriage.
I'm also trying to figure out why she is completely cutting me out of her life.
It's not easy shit to deal with when your first long term relationship turns into a marriage that implodes before your eyes.
The police involvement had nothing to do with her tactile defensiveness or inappropriate touch on my part. I always respected her physical boundaries.
I thought she was having an affair. She had given me her email password in the past. I used it to check her email for evidence. She called the police. I regret that I invaded her privacy.
I will be the first to admit that I made mistakes in the marriage. It takes two to make a marriage successful and two to lead to the breakdown of a marriage.
posted by speedoavenger at 11:39 PM on August 17, 2013
She had given me her email password in the past. I used it to check her email for evidence. She called the police. I regret that I invaded her privacy.
Well, okay. I'm willing to say that I think that's a ridiculous reason to call the police. IF that was the only reason. (Giving you the benefit of the doubt here.)
BUT...it doesn't matter. Don't contact her. Ever.
I'm sorry you're hurting. :(
posted by Salamander at 11:44 PM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Well, okay. I'm willing to say that I think that's a ridiculous reason to call the police. IF that was the only reason. (Giving you the benefit of the doubt here.)
BUT...it doesn't matter. Don't contact her. Ever.
I'm sorry you're hurting. :(
posted by Salamander at 11:44 PM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The unresolved end of a relationship that you may really want to work but is not working can be a terribly difficult thing to handle. But overfocusing on other people is a form of self-avoidance. I would be very careful with the honorable motives you attribute yourself. This is called magical thinking. There's a reason you posted this question. The quality of her future relationships is not what you're struggling with at all.
Checking a person's email is a big deal. Not so much in terms of the offense, but if you are married to someone and feel the need to do that, or are justifiably pressured so much by anecdotal evidence that you think it's the right thing to do, then I don't think this person is good for you. Even if you found the damning email, it would not make you a happier person. Think what a horrible and unhealthy thing it is to even have to consider such a thing, or be put in such a situation.
Please be accountable for your actions and your life and that's it. It sounds like you guys had a rocky road. Doing nothing - or not doing something - is doing something. Please understand these comments come from experience and are shared sympathetically.
posted by phaedon at 11:58 PM on August 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
Checking a person's email is a big deal. Not so much in terms of the offense, but if you are married to someone and feel the need to do that, or are justifiably pressured so much by anecdotal evidence that you think it's the right thing to do, then I don't think this person is good for you. Even if you found the damning email, it would not make you a happier person. Think what a horrible and unhealthy thing it is to even have to consider such a thing, or be put in such a situation.
Please be accountable for your actions and your life and that's it. It sounds like you guys had a rocky road. Doing nothing - or not doing something - is doing something. Please understand these comments come from experience and are shared sympathetically.
posted by phaedon at 11:58 PM on August 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
Oh, wow, what an awful situation. I can't imagine the pain, grief and confusion you're feeling, which explains why you're searching for possible explanations, and also why you're using this as an excuse to re-establish contact.
But please, please, please listen to the consensus here and do not contact your ex-wife. You aren't going to get answers from her, and sending her this article is pathologising her and, IMHO, an act of aggression. I can understand why you'd feel that way; it's only natural to be angry when you're abandoned.
But your job here is to come to terms with not getting answers. Your relationship ended in confusion and despair, you're angry, confused and grieving, you need to seek out the support and resources you need to come to terms with this. Do not talk to your wife, don't contact her, don't go near her; find a therapist and work on yourself.
posted by nerdfish at 1:28 AM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
But please, please, please listen to the consensus here and do not contact your ex-wife. You aren't going to get answers from her, and sending her this article is pathologising her and, IMHO, an act of aggression. I can understand why you'd feel that way; it's only natural to be angry when you're abandoned.
But your job here is to come to terms with not getting answers. Your relationship ended in confusion and despair, you're angry, confused and grieving, you need to seek out the support and resources you need to come to terms with this. Do not talk to your wife, don't contact her, don't go near her; find a therapist and work on yourself.
posted by nerdfish at 1:28 AM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Listen, she's crazy, that much is clear from your question history. You had the misfortune of getting entangled with a person who is very sick. But don't contact her, both because she doesn't want you to, and for your own good. The sooner you are completely disengaged from her, the better for you. And your well-being should be your first and only priority now.
posted by Unified Theory at 2:59 AM on August 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Unified Theory at 2:59 AM on August 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Comment deleted. Let's keep things calm and productive, please; no all-caps shouty stuff or ranting. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 4:30 AM on August 18, 2013
posted by taz (staff) at 4:30 AM on August 18, 2013
Best answer: The unresolved end of a relationship that you may really want to work but is not working can be a terribly difficult thing to handle.
So very true. Try reading Dr. Helen Fisher. Not only is it difficult, it's downright counterintuitive. You are fighting every programmed instinct to hold on to what you had. Your brain is currently trying to solve the primal emergency: abandonment. Your heart rate is up, your blood pressure is up, appetite down -- all in preparation for flight or fight. The neurochemistry you've been used to, including dopamine flooding you, is responsible for you seeking ways to "help" your ex -- you are really just trying to get back what you had. The same thing happens when you withdraw from nicotine or cocaine.
Thinking about it this way makes not being able to just "move on" a little less like stalker-criminal territory, and may give you a light up ahead to aim for, without her in your life. Good luck.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:33 AM on August 18, 2013 [11 favorites]
So very true. Try reading Dr. Helen Fisher. Not only is it difficult, it's downright counterintuitive. You are fighting every programmed instinct to hold on to what you had. Your brain is currently trying to solve the primal emergency: abandonment. Your heart rate is up, your blood pressure is up, appetite down -- all in preparation for flight or fight. The neurochemistry you've been used to, including dopamine flooding you, is responsible for you seeking ways to "help" your ex -- you are really just trying to get back what you had. The same thing happens when you withdraw from nicotine or cocaine.
Thinking about it this way makes not being able to just "move on" a little less like stalker-criminal territory, and may give you a light up ahead to aim for, without her in your life. Good luck.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:33 AM on August 18, 2013 [11 favorites]
I'm just trying to process why the fuck she asked me for a divorce after less than a year of marriage.
Based on your prior questions, it seems like it was a wildly incompatible relationship pretty much from the get-go, which both of you attempted to force into working. You have now learned the very valuable lesson that this is never, ever a good idea. I am very sorry.
I'm also trying to figure out why she is completely cutting me out of her life.
As this was your first long-term relationship, you have not had a lot of experience with the breakup process, correct? But this is what people USUALLY do when a relationship ends, I'm afraid. It's not abnormal of her at all; it's quite healthy, in fact. Unfortunately, it is also very painful (typically for both people) at first. Again, I am so very sorry.
It's not easy shit to deal with when your first long term relationship turns into a marriage that implodes before your eyes.
No, it isn't. More of us have been there than you know :-/ But now it is time for you to accept that even though this is hard, this is what is real and you have no choice but to leave her behind completely and work through the pain of that. It's not fun and it's not fair, but you don't have any choice. Take the excellent advice given here, and find resources for yourself.
posted by like_a_friend at 8:43 AM on August 18, 2013 [10 favorites]
Based on your prior questions, it seems like it was a wildly incompatible relationship pretty much from the get-go, which both of you attempted to force into working. You have now learned the very valuable lesson that this is never, ever a good idea. I am very sorry.
I'm also trying to figure out why she is completely cutting me out of her life.
As this was your first long-term relationship, you have not had a lot of experience with the breakup process, correct? But this is what people USUALLY do when a relationship ends, I'm afraid. It's not abnormal of her at all; it's quite healthy, in fact. Unfortunately, it is also very painful (typically for both people) at first. Again, I am so very sorry.
It's not easy shit to deal with when your first long term relationship turns into a marriage that implodes before your eyes.
No, it isn't. More of us have been there than you know :-/ But now it is time for you to accept that even though this is hard, this is what is real and you have no choice but to leave her behind completely and work through the pain of that. It's not fun and it's not fair, but you don't have any choice. Take the excellent advice given here, and find resources for yourself.
posted by like_a_friend at 8:43 AM on August 18, 2013 [10 favorites]
And don't budge if she suddenly changes her mind. Block all communications with her or you'll just get fucked over more.
posted by thylacine at 11:39 AM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by thylacine at 11:39 AM on August 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm also trying to figure out why she is completely cutting me out of her life.
She probably read somewhere that going totally no-contact after a breakup is the least unkind thing that the dumper can possibly do.
For what it's worth: it is.
You're both going to be spending the next little while feeling completely terrible, and lashing about for answers that just don't seem to exist. Not only that, but you've both suddenly been deprived of the one person in the world you'd otherwise be turning to for help with an experience as emotionally taxing as that.
The reason she's not there helping you through this is that she is no longer your partner. It's going to take a while before you come to a full understanding of what that actually means, and until you do, you're going to be hurting bad.
That's how being dumped is. It completely sucks. It's not good at all. It just hurts. So the best thing for you is to have that crazybad hurt last as little time as possible.
As the dumper, she saw the dumpage coming; as the dumpee, you naturally got blindsided. She's therefore had a head start in sorting herself out, and she will probably get to full it's-really-over acceptance before you do. This might mean that she will attempt to resume some kind of contact before you're emotionally ready to deal with it sanely.
At some point you will actually accept that what you had with her really did end, and that you are in fact now free to do as you please with the rest of your life. When you have accepted that, you'll find that the worst of the hurting is over.
There are two ways to get to that acceptance: you can (a) actively seek it or (b) go into furious denial in a desperate and doomed attempt to avoid having it forced on you. Of those, (b) takes much longer and hurts much more. So my best advice to you is get on board with the no-contact thing, and run it from your end as well.
Find other people to help you. You're going to need them. But don't make this horrible experience any more horrible than it needs to be by dragging it out for weeks and weeks and months and months, which is all that seeking contact with her is actually capable of doing right now.
It's over. Find a way to live with that. The quicker you can do that, the less of your life you're going to waste on being miserable.
posted by flabdablet at 12:21 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
She probably read somewhere that going totally no-contact after a breakup is the least unkind thing that the dumper can possibly do.
For what it's worth: it is.
You're both going to be spending the next little while feeling completely terrible, and lashing about for answers that just don't seem to exist. Not only that, but you've both suddenly been deprived of the one person in the world you'd otherwise be turning to for help with an experience as emotionally taxing as that.
The reason she's not there helping you through this is that she is no longer your partner. It's going to take a while before you come to a full understanding of what that actually means, and until you do, you're going to be hurting bad.
That's how being dumped is. It completely sucks. It's not good at all. It just hurts. So the best thing for you is to have that crazybad hurt last as little time as possible.
As the dumper, she saw the dumpage coming; as the dumpee, you naturally got blindsided. She's therefore had a head start in sorting herself out, and she will probably get to full it's-really-over acceptance before you do. This might mean that she will attempt to resume some kind of contact before you're emotionally ready to deal with it sanely.
At some point you will actually accept that what you had with her really did end, and that you are in fact now free to do as you please with the rest of your life. When you have accepted that, you'll find that the worst of the hurting is over.
There are two ways to get to that acceptance: you can (a) actively seek it or (b) go into furious denial in a desperate and doomed attempt to avoid having it forced on you. Of those, (b) takes much longer and hurts much more. So my best advice to you is get on board with the no-contact thing, and run it from your end as well.
Find other people to help you. You're going to need them. But don't make this horrible experience any more horrible than it needs to be by dragging it out for weeks and weeks and months and months, which is all that seeking contact with her is actually capable of doing right now.
It's over. Find a way to live with that. The quicker you can do that, the less of your life you're going to waste on being miserable.
posted by flabdablet at 12:21 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I believe this condition has the potential to interfere with all of her future relationships
Brutal frankness time: even if that's actually true, it's now her problem, not yours.
posted by flabdablet at 12:24 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Brutal frankness time: even if that's actually true, it's now her problem, not yours.
posted by flabdablet at 12:24 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank You everyone for sharing your wisdom with me. I love this site!
Here is what I am feeling and thinking at the moment:
-We were wildly incompatible but tried to force a relationship. Neither of us knew any better. How could we when neither of us had ever had a long term relationship before?
-I need to continue to move the focus from my ex to myself.
-I need to find out why I was initially attracted to someone who couldn't provide the level of physical and emotional affection that I desired.
-I need to figure out why I was in denial about the level of physical and emotional affection she felt comfortable providing. Also, why didn't I end the relationship at an earlier time?
-I need to learn how to be a better judge of potential partners in the future.
-I need to learn how to be inter-dependent in future relationships - not too dependent or too independent.
posted by speedoavenger at 1:15 PM on August 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
Here is what I am feeling and thinking at the moment:
-We were wildly incompatible but tried to force a relationship. Neither of us knew any better. How could we when neither of us had ever had a long term relationship before?
-I need to continue to move the focus from my ex to myself.
-I need to find out why I was initially attracted to someone who couldn't provide the level of physical and emotional affection that I desired.
-I need to figure out why I was in denial about the level of physical and emotional affection she felt comfortable providing. Also, why didn't I end the relationship at an earlier time?
-I need to learn how to be a better judge of potential partners in the future.
-I need to learn how to be inter-dependent in future relationships - not too dependent or too independent.
posted by speedoavenger at 1:15 PM on August 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
-We were wildly incompatible but tried to force a relationship. Neither of us knew any better. How could we when neither of us had ever had a long term relationship before?
Quite.
-I need to continue to move the focus from my ex to myself.
With one minor quibble (your focus, as opposed to the focus) I agree.
-I need to find out why I was initially attracted to someone who couldn't provide the level of physical and emotional affection that I desired.
That one's easy: attraction isn't even a tiny bit rational. In fact it runs on the same underlying hardware that rationality does, and steals processing cycles from it.
-I need to figure out why I was in denial about the level of physical and emotional affection she felt comfortable providing.
Because this was your first time, and it was amazing in so many new and different ways that anything that was wrong with it just got swept away in the tsunami.
Very, very few people are lucky enough to have their first relationship be one they end up keeping. Now you know why.
Also, why didn't I end the relationship at an earlier time?
Are you joking? I love her! Why on earth would I break up with her? We just need to work a few things out, is all. This is a relationship like those I've been hearing about all my life. You need to work on those things to make them good, right? Can't just bail at the first sign of trouble. That's crazy talk!
-I need to learn how to be a better judge of potential partners in the future.
Danger, Will Robinson!
Consider that what you might actually need to learn is how to be better at setting boundaries and expectations for you as well as respecting those your partner sets for herself.
That's what "working on a relationship" actually means, in my view; the whole point of an intimate relationship is to provide a strong incentive to acquire and a safe environment for acquiring that kind of open and fearless straightforwardness. The less time the two of you spend judging each other, the less difficult that difficult work will be.
Work on being honest enough to judge your own feelings once the crazy love chemicals have worn off.
-I need to learn how to be inter-dependent in future relationships - not too dependent or too independent.
Yes. It's a tricky balancing act. Expect to get it wrong many, many times - possibly to a relationship-breaking extent - until you get good at it. Totally worth the effort, though.
posted by flabdablet at 6:27 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Quite.
-I need to continue to move the focus from my ex to myself.
With one minor quibble (your focus, as opposed to the focus) I agree.
-I need to find out why I was initially attracted to someone who couldn't provide the level of physical and emotional affection that I desired.
That one's easy: attraction isn't even a tiny bit rational. In fact it runs on the same underlying hardware that rationality does, and steals processing cycles from it.
-I need to figure out why I was in denial about the level of physical and emotional affection she felt comfortable providing.
Because this was your first time, and it was amazing in so many new and different ways that anything that was wrong with it just got swept away in the tsunami.
Very, very few people are lucky enough to have their first relationship be one they end up keeping. Now you know why.
Also, why didn't I end the relationship at an earlier time?
Are you joking? I love her! Why on earth would I break up with her? We just need to work a few things out, is all. This is a relationship like those I've been hearing about all my life. You need to work on those things to make them good, right? Can't just bail at the first sign of trouble. That's crazy talk!
-I need to learn how to be a better judge of potential partners in the future.
Danger, Will Robinson!
Consider that what you might actually need to learn is how to be better at setting boundaries and expectations for you as well as respecting those your partner sets for herself.
That's what "working on a relationship" actually means, in my view; the whole point of an intimate relationship is to provide a strong incentive to acquire and a safe environment for acquiring that kind of open and fearless straightforwardness. The less time the two of you spend judging each other, the less difficult that difficult work will be.
Work on being honest enough to judge your own feelings once the crazy love chemicals have worn off.
-I need to learn how to be inter-dependent in future relationships - not too dependent or too independent.
Yes. It's a tricky balancing act. Expect to get it wrong many, many times - possibly to a relationship-breaking extent - until you get good at it. Totally worth the effort, though.
posted by flabdablet at 6:27 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Do not email her.
posted by vegartanipla at 10:39 PM on August 17, 2013 [29 favorites]