Globalisation might not be working for me
August 16, 2013 7:54 PM Subscribe
I'm still feeling very lonely and terribly homesick over a month after my first question. In fact, it's been getting worse, and I think I might have developed some serious issues. Special snowflake details inside. Thank you for reading.
posted by LoonyLovegood to health & fitness (9 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
The semester ended two weeks ago and I managed to hand in all of my reports (although I'm not quite satisfied with some of them, I guess I should at least pass all courses) and visited a friend for a week. I felt a little better during that time because I wasn't alone, but then I came back to Tokyo and it hit me worse than ever. I'm crying several times a day, and not just silent tears, but I have physically painful sobbing spells. It's getting increasingly hard to breathe and I have stomach aches and feel nauseous. I don't really have much of an appetite either and can only eat very small portions at a time, if anything at all.
I've really tried to pull through this. My friends are great, and I know that I would miss them if I went back to Germany, but not even their encouragment and promises to be there for me no matter what help me anymore. (And I feel so guilty about that because I should be happy, right? They're such great friends.) I think I've developed separation anxiety because I actually cried after saying good-bye to a friend although I knew I would see her again the next day. For two days (days 2 and 3 of three days in a row meeting the same friend) I felt okay by listening to encouraging music, reading Harry Potter and repeating to myself all the good things I have going for me, but then the darkness caught me again and yesterday, I broke down sobbing onto my boyfriend's shoulder TWICE. I've never cried like that in front of people before, but I couldn't hold it any longer and he, while surprised, was really great about it. I can't help thinking that he is part of my problem, though, because while he is a great boyfriend, he told me that he can't be in one place for too long and that his ideal relationship was that between Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre, and I don't think I can do that. I have always wanted to settle down somewhere and have kids or at least a husband to come home to. So while I know that this isn't something I should worry about now, I can't just unhear it and I think that maybe I should end things now before I fall in love anymore than I already have. Then again, I do love him and guys in their twenties often say a lot of things they later change their mind about... (My older brother never wanted children and now he has two who he loves.)
Aside from the boyfriend issues, I also miss my family terribly. I can't skype with them without breaking into tears because I want to be home so desperately. I can't even read my mother's mails anymore without crying. I know I only have three more semesters and that I'll go home for Christmas, but that all seems so long to me now. (Maybe because it's the summer holidays and I'm alone too much. I meet people as often as I can, but of course 24/7 is impossible. I can't believe I'm actually waiting for the holidays to end!)
I can't get rid of that dark, sinking feeling in my stomach, even when I'm with friends. I keep telling myself I just went from a life with an emotional scale of 3-7 to one of 1-10, but lately the 1 moments are too many and even if I have a moment of what should be a 10, I can't enjoy because I'm scared of the 1s coming after that. I'm scared that I will keep feeling like that for the rest of my life, because it's too painful.
I will go to the counselling my university offers next week, but my friends with depression (which I have several symptoms of, it seems) told me not to get my hopes up. I was also thinking of having my hormone levels checked (my period has been off a little as well) and I bought vitamin B supplements yesterday because I did some desperate googling for a solution and some sites said that vegetarians tend to have vitamin B deficiencies which might lead to depression.
I know there's probably nothing you can do for me besides telling me to try counselling which I will, but even if it's just "I've been there and I got better real quick", that would help me so, so much. Thank you.