It wasn't that bad, but I'm reacting as if it was.
August 16, 2013 6:05 PM Subscribe
In short, I'm looking for advice on how to heal from situations that have caused the sort of reaction you get from abuse without the situation actually being abusive.
Sorry if this question is long, rambly or incoherent - I have tried to make it as short and readable as possible. Essentially, I have had various experiences that have had a considerable effect on my well-being, despite not being all that serious, and I'm really struggling to move on. Here they are:
1) Some of the things some male relatives did when I was younger made me feel a bit uncomfortable. They include telling me repeatedly they wanted to make out with me, tricking me into kissing them, putting a hand under where I was about to sit or doing a weird chomping on my neck (I'm not sure how else to explain it - it wasn't quite neck kissing, but it felt a bit too intimate). I know this was all done in jest (also completely openly), but I always really hated it and felt like my personal space was being invaded. Obviously since it was a joke I couldn't ask them to stop. This went on during my childhood and teenage years.
2) My father had undiagnosed depression for a few years when I was a teenager, and took this out on me before he realised he had a problem. Most of the time it was just getting angry or giving me the silent treatment for weeks if I looked at him wrong, but he did once tell me I ought to kill myself and then acted like it was my fault.
3) A friendship turned a little unkind before ending a year and a half ago. Over a period of two years, the friend engaged in behaviours like gaslighting, flying off the handle unpredictably and generally set up situations where it was impossible for me to do the right thing (as one example, getting angry at me for spending time with other people, then getting angry again when I withdrew for fear of upsetting them). They were also experiencing untreated mental health issues.
I've spoken to people - relatives, friends, professionals - who have called different aspects of the above experiences abusive. The thing is... they weren't, were they? I think it's an insult to people who've really been abused to compare the trivial things that happened to me to what they've been through. I think basically everyone has relatives who make them feel uncomfortable and friends who have been unkind despite being very good people! Annoyingly, I've reacted to these normal things as if they were actually serious - among other things, I feel disgusting when I'm in the presence of those particular relatives, I have flashbacks accompanied by spasms and I'm terrified of making other people angry. I have always been oversensitive like this. This all means that I can't - and shouldn't - access the sort of help that someone who's actually been abused could access... but I still kinda need something. I'm sure I can't be the only person who overreacts like this to normal things.
The question is, what help *can* I access seeing as my experiences don't fall under the banner of abuse at all? Are there books and websites I can read? Is there even a name for these sorts of things? I know it will be suggested, but therapy is a bit of a tricky one since I can't afford private treatment (NHS treatment is hard to come by and I can't justify trying again when I'm not really suffering enough). Since it's probably relevant, I am female and 22 years old - I've also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety with some post-traumatic elements.
So, tl;dr - how do I go about healing from not-serious-or-abnormal-but-still-unaccountably-upsetting periods in my life? Thank you in advance! Throwaway e-mail: notreallyabuse@gmail.com
Sorry if this question is long, rambly or incoherent - I have tried to make it as short and readable as possible. Essentially, I have had various experiences that have had a considerable effect on my well-being, despite not being all that serious, and I'm really struggling to move on. Here they are:
1) Some of the things some male relatives did when I was younger made me feel a bit uncomfortable. They include telling me repeatedly they wanted to make out with me, tricking me into kissing them, putting a hand under where I was about to sit or doing a weird chomping on my neck (I'm not sure how else to explain it - it wasn't quite neck kissing, but it felt a bit too intimate). I know this was all done in jest (also completely openly), but I always really hated it and felt like my personal space was being invaded. Obviously since it was a joke I couldn't ask them to stop. This went on during my childhood and teenage years.
2) My father had undiagnosed depression for a few years when I was a teenager, and took this out on me before he realised he had a problem. Most of the time it was just getting angry or giving me the silent treatment for weeks if I looked at him wrong, but he did once tell me I ought to kill myself and then acted like it was my fault.
3) A friendship turned a little unkind before ending a year and a half ago. Over a period of two years, the friend engaged in behaviours like gaslighting, flying off the handle unpredictably and generally set up situations where it was impossible for me to do the right thing (as one example, getting angry at me for spending time with other people, then getting angry again when I withdrew for fear of upsetting them). They were also experiencing untreated mental health issues.
I've spoken to people - relatives, friends, professionals - who have called different aspects of the above experiences abusive. The thing is... they weren't, were they? I think it's an insult to people who've really been abused to compare the trivial things that happened to me to what they've been through. I think basically everyone has relatives who make them feel uncomfortable and friends who have been unkind despite being very good people! Annoyingly, I've reacted to these normal things as if they were actually serious - among other things, I feel disgusting when I'm in the presence of those particular relatives, I have flashbacks accompanied by spasms and I'm terrified of making other people angry. I have always been oversensitive like this. This all means that I can't - and shouldn't - access the sort of help that someone who's actually been abused could access... but I still kinda need something. I'm sure I can't be the only person who overreacts like this to normal things.
The question is, what help *can* I access seeing as my experiences don't fall under the banner of abuse at all? Are there books and websites I can read? Is there even a name for these sorts of things? I know it will be suggested, but therapy is a bit of a tricky one since I can't afford private treatment (NHS treatment is hard to come by and I can't justify trying again when I'm not really suffering enough). Since it's probably relevant, I am female and 22 years old - I've also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety with some post-traumatic elements.
So, tl;dr - how do I go about healing from not-serious-or-abnormal-but-still-unaccountably-upsetting periods in my life? Thank you in advance! Throwaway e-mail: notreallyabuse@gmail.com
You don't have to suffer the most to suffer at all. Your abuse was abuse and recognizing it as such is a good first step. People do horrible things when they are hurting or ignorant. You may forgive them, but that doesn't change the nature of their abuse.
posted by munchingzombie at 6:17 PM on August 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by munchingzombie at 6:17 PM on August 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
I have some similar issues. Your experiences matter, even if they are like a 3 vs a 10 on the scale of all abuse. Your reaction and your issues count. It is not a race or a contest. You deserve to the happiest life possible.
My therapist's practice handles both PTSD from war as well as, like, writer's block and life coaching. A good therapist will listen to your concerns without judging them against anyone else.
If therapy isn't possible, pick up info about issues related to yours, like sexual abuse or sexual harassment, because they'll have tips you can use.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:36 PM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
My therapist's practice handles both PTSD from war as well as, like, writer's block and life coaching. A good therapist will listen to your concerns without judging them against anyone else.
If therapy isn't possible, pick up info about issues related to yours, like sexual abuse or sexual harassment, because they'll have tips you can use.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:36 PM on August 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
what you experienced was most definitely abuse. because some people experience abuse that is more severe does not mean what you experienced wasn't abuse. yours was just less severe than theirs. abuse happens on a continuum. take a look at the abuse of children wheel from the domestic abuse intervention program in duluth. note what is written in the black outlined circle. there are wheels for all different forms of abuse and it is really helpful to see in black and white what is considered abuse.
posted by wildflower at 6:42 PM on August 16, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by wildflower at 6:42 PM on August 16, 2013 [11 favorites]
You don't have to say, "they were abusers," or "I was abused." That doesn't have to be the narrative. Try "that was abusive behavior," instead.
I've actually felt a lot better for knowing that certain things that were done to me as a child, although they came from a place of genuine care or concern (and/or understandable frustration), were in fact abusive. That doesn't make the people who did these things child abusers, or psychopaths. If there was other evidence that they were, I could act accordingly, but there is not. These are people that I love. They are human and acted badly in their worst moments. I was free to forgive them as seemed best to me, and I did. What happens in your case is up to you.
Please seek therapy as best you can. In the meantime, I recommend reading The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor. Best of luck to you.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:45 PM on August 16, 2013 [14 favorites]
I've actually felt a lot better for knowing that certain things that were done to me as a child, although they came from a place of genuine care or concern (and/or understandable frustration), were in fact abusive. That doesn't make the people who did these things child abusers, or psychopaths. If there was other evidence that they were, I could act accordingly, but there is not. These are people that I love. They are human and acted badly in their worst moments. I was free to forgive them as seemed best to me, and I did. What happens in your case is up to you.
Please seek therapy as best you can. In the meantime, I recommend reading The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor. Best of luck to you.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:45 PM on August 16, 2013 [14 favorites]
REALITY CHECK FROM AN OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE:
"I've spoken to people - relatives, friends, professionals - who have called different aspects of the above experiences abusive. The thing is... they weren't, were they?"
Yes, they really, really were.
"I think it's an insult to people who've really been abused to compare the trivial things that happened to me to what they've been through."
There are gradients of abuse. Just because someone else out there had it worse doesn't mean that you also didn't have it bad, and more importantly, didn't have it bad enough during particularly vulnerable periods of your life for it to deeply affect you.
"how do I go about healing from not-serious-or-abnormal-but-still-unaccountably-upsetting periods in my life?"
The underlying premise of your question is flawed.
The things you described above sound very much
1) serious
2) abnormal
3) upsetting to any reasonable person
Male relatives giving ANY sort of sexual attention to a child? Your dad telling you to KILL YOURSELF? So-called "friends" who gaslight you and then get angry at you for having other friends? WTF?!
You are NOT being oversensitive. The first two sound stomach-turningly beyond-the-pale fucked up to me and the latter is solidly in "what an asshole, dump this 'friend' now" territory. I would bet any amount of money that you are going to hear from a chorus of other MeFites agreeing with me that you were definitely abused and have every right to be upset.
The first step to healing is to stop minimizing your experiences as not "real" abuse and stop blaming yourself for your perfectly normal psychological reactions to the icky, fucked-up experiences you described. Your disgust, fear, flashbacks, etc. are your emotions telling you just how fucked-up and wrong it was for these people to do this shit to you.
So, not only do I think you should acknowledge those three things as real abuse, but I think you should also add a 4th item to your list:
4) These people mind-gamed you into believing that YOU are somehow the one who is wrong for feeling badly about all the bad things that THEY did and said to you.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Hopefully other MeFites can provide more detailed advice for overcoming the specific types of abuse you've experienced. All I can offer is that if anyone ever tries to tell you that you weren't "really" abused and that you're too sensitive, please tell them to fuck right off.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:46 PM on August 16, 2013 [30 favorites]
"I've spoken to people - relatives, friends, professionals - who have called different aspects of the above experiences abusive. The thing is... they weren't, were they?"
Yes, they really, really were.
"I think it's an insult to people who've really been abused to compare the trivial things that happened to me to what they've been through."
There are gradients of abuse. Just because someone else out there had it worse doesn't mean that you also didn't have it bad, and more importantly, didn't have it bad enough during particularly vulnerable periods of your life for it to deeply affect you.
"how do I go about healing from not-serious-or-abnormal-but-still-unaccountably-upsetting periods in my life?"
The underlying premise of your question is flawed.
The things you described above sound very much
1) serious
2) abnormal
3) upsetting to any reasonable person
Male relatives giving ANY sort of sexual attention to a child? Your dad telling you to KILL YOURSELF? So-called "friends" who gaslight you and then get angry at you for having other friends? WTF?!
You are NOT being oversensitive. The first two sound stomach-turningly beyond-the-pale fucked up to me and the latter is solidly in "what an asshole, dump this 'friend' now" territory. I would bet any amount of money that you are going to hear from a chorus of other MeFites agreeing with me that you were definitely abused and have every right to be upset.
The first step to healing is to stop minimizing your experiences as not "real" abuse and stop blaming yourself for your perfectly normal psychological reactions to the icky, fucked-up experiences you described. Your disgust, fear, flashbacks, etc. are your emotions telling you just how fucked-up and wrong it was for these people to do this shit to you.
So, not only do I think you should acknowledge those three things as real abuse, but I think you should also add a 4th item to your list:
4) These people mind-gamed you into believing that YOU are somehow the one who is wrong for feeling badly about all the bad things that THEY did and said to you.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Hopefully other MeFites can provide more detailed advice for overcoming the specific types of abuse you've experienced. All I can offer is that if anyone ever tries to tell you that you weren't "really" abused and that you're too sensitive, please tell them to fuck right off.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:46 PM on August 16, 2013 [30 favorites]
If I have a headache, the fact that someone else out there somewhere has brain cancer doesn't make my head hurt any less. And those other people's suffering certainly doesn't make it any less true that I need to take care of myself by lying down in a quiet room and taking a pill and going to sleep until the headache passes. And I'm certainly not insulting brain cancer patients by saying that my head hurts or by taking care of myself in the ways I need until I feel better.
You were treated in ways that made you feel bad, and that still make you feel bad. You were young and vulnerable, and your trust was taken advantage of by people who were supposed to protect you. People have been mean to you, and they've hurt you. The fact that someone else somewhere out there may have been beaten or raped doesn't change the facts of what happened to you, and it doesn't change the fact that you feel bad about those things. Whether you want to call it abuse is up to you, but respect your own experiences enough to at least say that it was bad and wrong of the people who loved you to hurt you, and that their actions caused you pain.
You are "really suffering enough" to ask for help here. That tells me that you're suffering enough to benefit from treatment. Whether that means therapy, or a support group, or reading self-help books, or talking with people who really love and support you is up to you. Love yourself enough to say that you deserve help just because you're hurting, regardless of what may have happened to anyone else that you might label "worse" hurts.
posted by decathecting at 6:48 PM on August 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
You were treated in ways that made you feel bad, and that still make you feel bad. You were young and vulnerable, and your trust was taken advantage of by people who were supposed to protect you. People have been mean to you, and they've hurt you. The fact that someone else somewhere out there may have been beaten or raped doesn't change the facts of what happened to you, and it doesn't change the fact that you feel bad about those things. Whether you want to call it abuse is up to you, but respect your own experiences enough to at least say that it was bad and wrong of the people who loved you to hurt you, and that their actions caused you pain.
You are "really suffering enough" to ask for help here. That tells me that you're suffering enough to benefit from treatment. Whether that means therapy, or a support group, or reading self-help books, or talking with people who really love and support you is up to you. Love yourself enough to say that you deserve help just because you're hurting, regardless of what may have happened to anyone else that you might label "worse" hurts.
posted by decathecting at 6:48 PM on August 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
The first step in healing is beginning to create space for yourself and for your feelings to matter. You've been conditioned to believe that you don't matter. But you do. These feelings matter. Look how they are affecting your life -- flashbacks and spasms (!), feeling annoyed at yourself for suffering. I hope you will forgive me for saying this, but the degree to which you deliberately discount your own needs and cut off all avenues of help is alarming to me -- because it makes you vulnerable. I hope very much that you do not fall in with an abusive partner, because that could be disastrous for you (speaking from experience).
If you need a reason to seek help, this could be it. Whether the combination of experiences passes some imaginary "serious enough" threshold or not doesn't really matter. In order to have a healthy adult life with healthy relationships with people, you need to be able to protect your own boundaries and take care of your own needs, and from my perspective based on what you've written this capability has been stomped out of you.
Try looking for abuse survivors communities. They are out there. You will probably find there are a lot of people coming from similar perspectives -- suffering and damaged, but don't believe their suffering counts enough, therefore they don't deserve help and don't even deserve to take up space and indeed feel guilty and ashamed for even feeling bad. It's a very common consequence of abuse. Whether or not others suffer has no bearing on the suffering you feel. It's real and it affects you and it's okay to need help with this. You do matter -- far more than you believe.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:49 PM on August 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
If you need a reason to seek help, this could be it. Whether the combination of experiences passes some imaginary "serious enough" threshold or not doesn't really matter. In order to have a healthy adult life with healthy relationships with people, you need to be able to protect your own boundaries and take care of your own needs, and from my perspective based on what you've written this capability has been stomped out of you.
Try looking for abuse survivors communities. They are out there. You will probably find there are a lot of people coming from similar perspectives -- suffering and damaged, but don't believe their suffering counts enough, therefore they don't deserve help and don't even deserve to take up space and indeed feel guilty and ashamed for even feeling bad. It's a very common consequence of abuse. Whether or not others suffer has no bearing on the suffering you feel. It's real and it affects you and it's okay to need help with this. You do matter -- far more than you believe.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:49 PM on August 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
I agree that some of those incidents sound abusive to me (especially what your dad said to you) but I can't emphasize enough that it doesn't matter. There is no "banner of abuse" under which all the real survivors are huddled, ready to exclude you from their ranks. No one is going to be hurt, or deprived of their healing, because you went out and read books about overcoming abuse, or learned to practice meditation, or went to a support group, or enrolled in a course in CBT. I suppose maybe there are some free services that you might not qualify for, but the area I'm most familiar with (sexual assault support services) have a policy about not turning anyone away. I'm almost certain that if you called one of those hotlines to talk about the way your relative behaved towards you, and how it is making you feel now, you would get almost exactly the same form of advice and support as anyone else in need.
So my advice would be to set the idea of labels aside, do your best to stop comparing yourself to other people, and try to reassess what you need from a different perspective. What kind of help do you want? If you had complete freedom to define your experience any way that felt right (which you do) would you start going to support groups? Calling hotlines? Reading books? Or would the changes be on a personal level - would you cut that offending relative off? Confront your father? Fight NHS for the therapy you need and deserve?
Now that I'm rereading the question, I'm starting to wonder if that isn't the crux of it. I'm not familiar with NHS, but do you need to define yourself as a survivor of abuse to some bureaucrat, or on some form, before you can get therapy? Then, for what it's worth, this stranger on the internet 100% endorses your right to do that. If it's meaningful to you, you can talk about what label most accurately defines your experiences with your therapist, once you have one. Maybe "abuse" will feel right and maybe it won't. But before then, you should absolutely label yourself with whatever term will get you the help you need.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:57 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
So my advice would be to set the idea of labels aside, do your best to stop comparing yourself to other people, and try to reassess what you need from a different perspective. What kind of help do you want? If you had complete freedom to define your experience any way that felt right (which you do) would you start going to support groups? Calling hotlines? Reading books? Or would the changes be on a personal level - would you cut that offending relative off? Confront your father? Fight NHS for the therapy you need and deserve?
Now that I'm rereading the question, I'm starting to wonder if that isn't the crux of it. I'm not familiar with NHS, but do you need to define yourself as a survivor of abuse to some bureaucrat, or on some form, before you can get therapy? Then, for what it's worth, this stranger on the internet 100% endorses your right to do that. If it's meaningful to you, you can talk about what label most accurately defines your experiences with your therapist, once you have one. Maybe "abuse" will feel right and maybe it won't. But before then, you should absolutely label yourself with whatever term will get you the help you need.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:57 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
If anything I hope you can someday believe that this stuff was not normal or okay. I don't understand how if you've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD that therapy isn't available for you. Really, you need it, and apparently professionals have recognized this. If you don't believe them, please believe us. Then go back to them.
posted by bleep at 7:11 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by bleep at 7:11 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, and just to give you an example of how someone else reacts emotionally to this sort of stuff, since reading your post I've wanted to:
1) Hug you and tell you, "Oh, honey, no, you're not being too sensitive"
2) Find the people who made you feel like any of this was your fault and punch them in the face
3) Cry because it makes me sad how much the bastards have ground you down that you don't even believe you have the right to your feelings
4) Punch those people in the face again
It's not even my life and that's how upset I am on your behalf!
I hope that my description of how much a total internet stranger was affected by just reading about it will help validate how reasonable, understandable, and relatively normal your own feelings and psychological trauma responses are as the person who actually lived through it.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:20 PM on August 16, 2013 [11 favorites]
1) Hug you and tell you, "Oh, honey, no, you're not being too sensitive"
2) Find the people who made you feel like any of this was your fault and punch them in the face
3) Cry because it makes me sad how much the bastards have ground you down that you don't even believe you have the right to your feelings
4) Punch those people in the face again
It's not even my life and that's how upset I am on your behalf!
I hope that my description of how much a total internet stranger was affected by just reading about it will help validate how reasonable, understandable, and relatively normal your own feelings and psychological trauma responses are as the person who actually lived through it.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:20 PM on August 16, 2013 [11 favorites]
I'll chime in to say that this was all abusive behavior. I experienced similar things and I call it verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and emotional abuse. All these things can be worse than being hit. At least bruises fade.
I'm sorry you went through this. You didn't deserve it. I'm getting EMDR for my PTSD and it's helping. I also pursue a spiritual practice and receive counseling specifically for domestic violence. Remember, violence isn't all physical!
MeFiMail me if you want to talk more.
posted by Rainflower at 7:23 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry you went through this. You didn't deserve it. I'm getting EMDR for my PTSD and it's helping. I also pursue a spiritual practice and receive counseling specifically for domestic violence. Remember, violence isn't all physical!
MeFiMail me if you want to talk more.
posted by Rainflower at 7:23 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
The thing is... they weren't, were they?
They were. They all were.
Encouraging you to minimize abuse is one abuser tool. Don't play along. These things that happened to you weren't right, and you didn't deserve them, and of course you are still dealing with the ripple effects.
You aren't "insulting" anybody by acknowledging and working through these effects.
posted by Miko at 7:47 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
They were. They all were.
Encouraging you to minimize abuse is one abuser tool. Don't play along. These things that happened to you weren't right, and you didn't deserve them, and of course you are still dealing with the ripple effects.
You aren't "insulting" anybody by acknowledging and working through these effects.
posted by Miko at 7:47 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
"I think it's an insult to people who've really been abused to compare the trivial things that happened to me to what they've been through. "
Oh, I really struggled with that one, too. Getting past that misconception was tough, but it was the single biggest step I ever took toward recovery and self-acceptance. Life before and after that was like night and day.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:13 PM on August 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Oh, I really struggled with that one, too. Getting past that misconception was tough, but it was the single biggest step I ever took toward recovery and self-acceptance. Life before and after that was like night and day.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:13 PM on August 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think it's an insult to people who've really been abused to compare the trivial things that happened to me to what they've been through.
Well, to give you the "bona fides" I can, here are a few of the things that happened to me when I was a child and teen:
-backhanded so hard that I was knocked to the ground;
-regularly hit with sticks, branches, plastic rods and a variety of other things;
-pulled by my hair / had my head shaken back and forth by my hair;
-developed an intense, debilitating anxiety disorder as a result of all the above, including regular panic attacks;
-was told I was making up my anxiety for attention;
-was held down and had food forced into my mouth against my will while I was having a panic attack.
Okay?
I think that the things you listed, that happened to you, were unquestionably abusive.
posted by cairdeas at 8:32 PM on August 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
Well, to give you the "bona fides" I can, here are a few of the things that happened to me when I was a child and teen:
-backhanded so hard that I was knocked to the ground;
-regularly hit with sticks, branches, plastic rods and a variety of other things;
-pulled by my hair / had my head shaken back and forth by my hair;
-developed an intense, debilitating anxiety disorder as a result of all the above, including regular panic attacks;
-was told I was making up my anxiety for attention;
-was held down and had food forced into my mouth against my will while I was having a panic attack.
Okay?
I think that the things you listed, that happened to you, were unquestionably abusive.
posted by cairdeas at 8:32 PM on August 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
Even if other people (or even you!) think that your experiences haven't been traumatic enough to warrant feeling upset, it's okay. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Feelings are not always rational.
In retrospect, you might look at the past in a different light and realize why you were feeling the way you did, despite any evidence to the contrary.
posted by myntu at 8:52 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
In retrospect, you might look at the past in a different light and realize why you were feeling the way you did, despite any evidence to the contrary.
posted by myntu at 8:52 PM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think basically everyone has relatives who make them feel uncomfortable and friends who have been unkind despite being very good people!
No, they don't. I've never experienced anything like what you describe. It sounds very abnormal.
posted by jacalata at 9:29 PM on August 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
No, they don't. I've never experienced anything like what you describe. It sounds very abnormal.
posted by jacalata at 9:29 PM on August 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
Five years ago, even three years ago, I could have written this question. "I need help working through abuse that wasn't violent". "I need help working through the actions of family members that weren't abusive but made me feel really bad". "I need help dealing with how I felt neglected by my parents." "I need to work through the non-violent abuse my partner carried out." It's taken a lot of therapy to realize that, yeah, it really was abuse, neglect, violence and more. Every time I even tried to name that stuff, I'd get this "it's not that bad", "people have been through worse", "it wasn't violent", "they were good people" routine. It's like gaslighting yourself, because splitting that stuff off is the only way to cope. EMDR has helped me in a huge way.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:02 PM on August 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:02 PM on August 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
Oh, honey. I grew up abused, and I thought your descriptions were definitely abuse.
Get therapy. You need to internalize that no one ever ever ever gets to trample your boundaries or treat you poorly. You can stick up for yourself or say no thank you and walk away.
Here is a visualization technique that works to neutralize unpleasant to downright traumatic memories.
posted by jbenben at 10:41 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Get therapy. You need to internalize that no one ever ever ever gets to trample your boundaries or treat you poorly. You can stick up for yourself or say no thank you and walk away.
Here is a visualization technique that works to neutralize unpleasant to downright traumatic memories.
posted by jbenben at 10:41 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Nthing the treatment you describe is abnormal and I haven't experienced anything like it in years, not since I got help.
It also helps that I now see that type of behavior as abnormal!
posted by jbenben at 10:45 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
It also helps that I now see that type of behavior as abnormal!
posted by jbenben at 10:45 PM on August 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I was abused. Like, CPS should have taken me out of my home abused. But I definitely think you were abused, and would not be insulted in the slightest by you thinking so too.
posted by katyggls at 11:44 PM on August 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by katyggls at 11:44 PM on August 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
There is an astounding amount of 'i'm not X enough so I don't deserve anything' in your post. This is a big, big lie that others have implanted in you. Also, those same people were abusive to you. So, they probbbabbbllyyy weren't the best people to be teaching you life lessons. So, be gentle on yourself. You were, in my definition, abused. They violated your personal space, autonomy, independence and self-confidence. It may not have been The Worst Abuse Ever, but it was abuse. Get help. You deserve it.
posted by Jacen at 11:07 AM on August 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Jacen at 11:07 AM on August 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
Hello everyone! Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses. I don't really know what to say without launching into a(nother) long, boring account of my feelings, but I just wanted to acknowledge everyone. Sorry if this is too late or too early - I am new to the site and not good at working these things out. Anyway, thank you again for the help.posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:11 AM on August 18, 2013
This is late, but you might be interested in reading the experiences people share over at Making Light, on the Dysfunctional Families open threads. Here's the most recent one, there are links to previous ones at the end.
Actually, this one: Dysfunctional Families: You Must Be This Unhappy To Ride speaks directly to your concerns.
Actually, this one: Dysfunctional Families: You Must Be This Unhappy To Ride speaks directly to your concerns.
One of the ongoing themes in Dysfunctional Families Day threads—one that’s certainly been present this year—is the doubt whether one’s own situation is “bad enough” to be a problem. It’s not at all surprising that people who have been repeatedly told, in words and in deeds, that their feelings don’t matter should struggle with this.posted by mon-ma-tron at 5:35 PM on August 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
Given that, let me direct your attention to David Harmon’s incisive comment at 861 of that thread:
S: My internal voice keeps saying “it’s not that bad”, “other people have it worse”,
Actually, the presence of that “internal voice” is itself a warning sign. In a healthy environment, most people don’t need to convince themselves they’re not being abused.
As far as I am concerned, there is no minimum dysfunction requirement to participate in this community. If you need to come talk, come talk.
Oh man. I could have written this question a few years ago. Then an amazing counselor helped me figure out the things I didn't remember from when I was young, and ALL OF THE THINGS made sense.
I'm not saying this is true for you, but the reason I reacted so strongly (and seemingly non-rationally) to stuff like what you mention (again, most of those things set me off too) was because there was a root trigger buried underneath. Once we found that, I stopped feeling like I was crazy for my reactions.
Counselors can help you stop reactions and help you develop enough bandwidth to respond rather than react.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:38 PM on August 22, 2013
I'm not saying this is true for you, but the reason I reacted so strongly (and seemingly non-rationally) to stuff like what you mention (again, most of those things set me off too) was because there was a root trigger buried underneath. Once we found that, I stopped feeling like I was crazy for my reactions.
Counselors can help you stop reactions and help you develop enough bandwidth to respond rather than react.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:38 PM on August 22, 2013
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posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:10 PM on August 16, 2013 [46 favorites]