Yep, Still Sucking Hard

August 15, 2013 4:53 PM

As previously mentioned, my best pal has a really ugly case of ovarian cancer happening right now. The situation is terrible, the outlook grim. But I know how to make her laugh, which is one of my official jobs on Team Sick Friend. But I need more material!

One thing that's driving Sick Friend crazy right now is the cloying expressions of sympathy that she's receiving. It's not the close friends who are doing that -- all of us know her well enough to know what we should say and what we shouldn't. It's the random Other People who you can't stop in time -- like the elderly volunteers at the hospital who cluck their tongues and say the stupidest shit ever about death rates and the impossibility of ever having nice hair again after chemo (!!). Or the aquaintances who can't wait to mention to Sick Friend the list of all of *their* sick friends who've died (!!). But the one that infuriates her the most is when people call Sick Friend an inspiration.

I, however, can give Sick Friend a healthy dose of laughter by doling out faux expressions of over-the-top sympatio, like when I told her how her getting cancer was just like me suffering through a broken dishwasher.

But I need more suggestions. Can you help me with a cloying sentence or two? Or some ridiculous analogy about her cancer and "what it all means"? Or something that sounds like a super-stupid faux-Buddhist parable? Something that sounds like a Jack Handey-esque expression of positivity or healing vibes?

(And yes, I have already made her a Fuck Cancer cross stitch, which she loved.)

posted by BlahLaLa to Health & Fitness (18 answers total)

Best answer: Boy, all the things I can think of just sound terrible when I try to put them down here.

I suppose she has already been told that it's a "gift," that ought to help her appreciate how precious life is. (One of my personal favorites.) Unfortunately there is no gift receipt so you can return it.

Have you both seen Mystery Men? You could probably channel the Sphinx with a self-backwards pithy saying or two.
posted by overleaf at 5:37 PM on August 15, 2013

Not exactly cloying sympathy, but if she gets annoyed with the doctors you can always trot out one of my favorite jokes:

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

God KNOWS He's not a doctor.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:48 PM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

I would counter the inspiration line with something like "the only thing inspirational about you is that you're breathing in." or "that's the only thing about you that sucks!"
posted by Cold Lurkey at 5:58 PM on August 15, 2013

Best answer: What about something like: "When life gives you lemons, you can always make lemonade. Unless the lemons are not really lemons, but are being used as a metephore for cancer. In this case you can still make lemonade..."
Ok - my wit tapered off there, but maybe you can pick it up from there and spin it into a Jack Handey style blurb.
posted by sleepykitties at 6:12 PM on August 15, 2013

"God has given you this challenge because he knows you can handle it."

Yikes, that's painful to write. Good for you for being on Team Sick Friend, and good thoughts and comfort to her.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 6:25 PM on August 15, 2013

Best answer: Hmm, I have a tendency to fall back on "life's a bitch sometimes". I guess if wanted to shock people you could always go with "karma's a bitch" and then just be vague about what horrible things you've done to deserve this. When I was going through chemo I managed to crack myself up by talking about "that stuff will give you cancer. Whoops, too late" in reference to using Tupperware to store your lunch at the office, declining a second diet coke at the restaurant right before chemo since "I'm trying to avoid putting chemicals in my body".

For the volunteers at the hospital I think this is a perfect example of where using the miss Manners tactic of " I can't believe that is any of your business" comes in. For me the hospital volunteers weren't useful and I didn't relate to their experiences. I tended to either go with family/friends or just keep my earphones in the whole time.

My absolute favourite thing to do though was to occasionally make eye contact with someone and then whip off the wig. Childish, unexpected and surprisingly satisfying...
posted by five_cents at 6:57 PM on August 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

It's been years since I read it, so someone feel free to jump in and say OH GOD NO DON'T TELL HER TO READ THAT but the very thick book "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" and its codicil (if that's the word I want) "Mistakes we knew we were making" struck me as very funny stuff at the time, keeping in mind that I was not actually in a mortal struggle with ovarian cancer at the time...
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:59 PM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This is probably not cloying enough, but my brother always says "When life hands me lemons, I just throw them on my enormous pile of decomposing excess lemons."
posted by KathrynT at 7:03 PM on August 15, 2013 [19 favorites]

Best answer: Somewhat cloying: "Life is a bowlful of cherries and boy, is yours the pits right now."

More cloying: "When people say that you are in inspiration, remember inspiration is a two way street. You can tell them that they inspire you to be anywhere but here."
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:39 PM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

This may not work if you're not MST3K fans, but it's my default for being fake-philosophical. It's from The Phantom Planet, delivered by a bland but verbose spaceship copilot who has no idea he's about to get blown out an airlock.

"You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...if you just take the time to look at it." (After a long pause, his dull, square-jawed Captain replies, "You're some guy, Makonnen.")

Here's a clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvGg2aHdhJI

Of course, Mike and the bots joke about it for the rest of the movie."Permission to speak in fruity, philosophical prose, sir?"
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:12 PM on August 15, 2013

Best answer: It sounds like you are looking for some of the things I tend to find darkly humorous, ie revealing to people you are x and they reply I had y, it was just like that!!! when it was nothing like that.

Like, oh man so sorry about your cancer! I've seen Breaking Bad, so I know what that's like! I can't wait to see how it ends though, LOL! You haven't started cooking meth have you?

Or, oh that sucks, sorry to hear that. One time I thought I had cancer. I had a really bad headache and I went on WebMD and it said it might be cancer. I was really freaked out so I can empathize. It ended up being a false alarm, thank god!

Oh you're in the hospital? Once I had a boob job with complications, god did it suck staying overnight!

I also find it amusing when people try to be sympathetic by saying someone they are separated from by many degrees has something similar going on. Oh man ovarian cancer. Yeah my cousin's husband's therapist's dog had that, totally sucked!

So saying things like that, particularly in different obnoxious voices, is what I might do.


I really hope I am not misunderstanding the question/your friend's sense of humor and being deeply offensive.
posted by tweedle at 9:33 PM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

she should just give them a look of horror and ask "is that supposed to make me feel better?"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:50 AM on August 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Ah shit, I'm sorry for your friend and for you. Stupid f*cking cancer, I want to punch its face in.

I was the anonymous poster in your first post and I've gone through a cycle of treatment, and OMG I know exactly what you're talking about and how absolutely annoying it is. Peoples be stupid.

Cancer just brings out the worst in everyone and people really said the exact same stupid shit to me. I used to get really pissed off..."Glad my potential death could inspire you to finally take your well-deserved vacation, you assh*le," etc.

But you know, people don't know what to say or how to act and so they act stupidly.

I end up giving most people a version of this (and this is after I completely cut them off), "I know your heart is in the right place, but I need you to stop saying (I'm an inspiration, you know SO MANY PEOPLE who died from cancer, my cancer is gonna like totally mess with my pretty hair)." And then I ask them what TV shows they're watching or what they're reading or where's the best meal they've made lately. Whatever. They're trying to be nice and that's sweet. I feel like it's okay to acknowledge that, and then...Let's talk about something else, you know??

And yes, having a best friend who can eye roll is immensely helpful.
posted by kinetic at 4:35 AM on August 16, 2013

Best answer: ...also, for whatever incredibly stupid reason, I got a lot of, "Have courage and you'll beat this!" Ugh.

So my best friend spent a lot of time inventing "The Courage Dance," which is as inane as it sounds. She likes to dance around, arms flailing, mimicking Sioux warriors and Rosie the Riveter and her Rosa Parks is hilarious, and she just sings, "I am so courageous! I can do ANYTHING!! I can stop cancer with my brain power alone!" and that just kills me every time.

She also likes to make faces behind people's backs when they tell me about their cousin's friend's dog who had cancer, or that I need to eat more aloe, or I need to pray more, or the time they had a headache and totally thought they had cancer too so they know exactly what I'm going through!

Funny faces are always good. The Courage Dance is also excellent.
posted by kinetic at 4:59 AM on August 16, 2013 [7 favorites]

This set of twitter quotes from Wolf Puppy seems like it might give you some good ideas. Especially the one about drinking milk and bleach so you'll have a beautiful skeleton.
posted by MsMolly at 6:29 AM on August 16, 2013

Best answer: A quote from the book, Apathy and Other Small Victories, has stuck with me over the years: Life is your oyster, but you're allergic to shellfish.

Here's one awful one that I've heard religious people say: God misses you so much, he wants you back home with him.
posted by parakeetdog at 8:37 AM on August 16, 2013

Best answer: Tony Soprano, after healing from a life-threatening gunshot wound: "Every day is a gift, but why does it always have to be socks?"

You might find some good material in the book, Daily Afflictions, or maybe George Carlin.
posted by Corvid at 1:05 PM on August 16, 2013

Best answer: I love the idea of the courage dance.

One technique is to just take overbearingly examples of 'inspirational' glurge and compare it to her. Something like:
"You are so inspirational! Like a Thomas Kinkaide painting, or a velvet painting of a clown with one sad tear rolling down its face, or a Hallmark channel movie about Christmas miracles. You're my personal version of the 'hang in there' kitten dangling from a branch, but gravity is CANCER and its little claws are CHEMO and RADIATION. And you hardly ever play the cancer card - because some people do that but you're one of the good ones."

I'm better at snarky inversions or take-downs of the overly inspirational - besides stuff off the top of my head, here, I also did a bit of googling for cloying examples of (mostly cancer-related) inspriation and let my snarkiest bitchiest most cynical self loose on the snippets.

Here's what I've got for now:
--
You're going to get through this, and then you can look back with the wisdom gained and a new appreciation of life and say MOTHERFUCKER THAT SUCKED FESTERING DONKEY BALLS

When the whole world is shouting 'no', HOPE is a little voice inside you saying 'oh go fuck yourself, already'.

You can't stop the waves or the tide, but you can learn to surf... and then get bashed in the head by your surfboard.

Cancer is a word, not a sentence. "Fuck Cancer", however, is a sentence.

And remember, when life gives you lemons, you're stuck with sour lemon juice unless you've got clean water and sugar and a pitcher to put lemonade in. Maybe that means that God is the pitcher and water and sugar, which means God is very attractive to ants.
--

More seriously, please know that total strangers on the internet are thinking supportive thoughts for you both. I hope things go as well and as easily as they can.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:13 AM on August 17, 2013