How much help should I accept from my husband who left me?
August 15, 2013 2:34 PM Subscribe
After being partners for 18 years, including 10 years of marriage, this week my husband left me because he "loves me but isn't in love with me". He is being very kind about it, which I deeply appreciate, but I don't know how much of his help it is healthy for me to accept?
posted by anonymous to human relations (52 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
To a large extent I could use his help. He always made much more money than I did, and although I have a secure job with a reasonable salary I have absolutely no savings. There are no kids (thank goodness), but I get the cats. We moved together to a new city a few years ago for employment reasons, and while he has a peer group, I do not know people here outside of my coworkers. I'm really ashamed to say this now, but I always assumed that I could be the kooky artistic one in the relationship and he would be the one who made sure the insurance was paid on time.
So I very much appreciate his kindness! But it's confusing. He packed a suitcase and moved into his girlfriend's home, but left me his credit card with the request that I use it to "go out for a nice dinner" this weekend. He's suggested that I get an apartment in the same neighborhood as his girlfriend's home (which is, to be fair, a suitable neighborhood for a number of other reasons), offered to help pay the rent for at least the next year and co-sign any rental agreement because my credit rating is not great. He even said that assuming I don't "hate him too much after all this" we could go running together like we used to do or keep watching Breaking Bad every week. As he was leaving he said he would check in with me every day to make sure my "day was going okay".
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I am pretty lost and scared and having him be supportive and caring is making this a lot easier. On the other hand, the kindness is painful in a different way. You're leaving me.. stop making me feel special or loved! I know I am very very very lucky that he has not just left me all alone, and god knows I could use the help right now, but it also deeply hurts. Is it healthy to accept his kindness now, and then try to figure out how to live my life without him later?