Can a relationship bounce back from a bad period like ours?
August 13, 2013 7:47 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend and I are currently at a low point in our relationship. I have been irrationally jealous and as a result we have fought every week for the past month. He seems to be very ok with me the day after our fights but I can see how he would want out. Should we keep trying?
posted by 01080591 to human relations (29 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I have always had a pattern of exhibiting jealous behaviors 5-6 months into my relationships. My current bf is my 3rd, and recently I have found myself going back to my crazy obsessive thoughts when he does little things that make me feel insecure and threatened in my relationship. What adds to the problem is that we go out drinking a lot, and often I would freak out when I was drunk over things I would otherwise dismiss when I'm sober. I also have the tendency to keep pressing on and going in circles with my arguments, while he would sometimes be unable to agree with me on certain basic facts (such as a female colleague stroking his shoulder). As of last weekend, we came to a point where he told me to go home and calm down on my own. It really seemed like we were over, so I broke down and told him I was seeing a counselor to fix my problems. I also explained to him how my suspicions of a parent cheating as a young child has made me untrusting in relationships. He then comforted me and shared with me that he had also dealt with a parent's infidelity. We ended up hugging over and making up. Most times, though, I would realize that I am in the wrong, and apologize, and he would be upset and hurt about it. Our fights never carry over to the next day because usually he would get too sleepy from being drunk, and he would be very affectionate and over it by the morning.
That said, I realize that having this happen for 3 weekends in a row has definitely taken a toll on us, and just this past weekend he suggested that we take it easy and go back to a time where we didn't need to have so many discussions on issues like trust and whatnot. This came out of the fact that for a few times I had wanted to have conversations with him about my insecurity issues, and how I hoped he could understand that while I am actively working on it via seeing a counselor, it wasn't gonna change overnight. He's also said that I've made him wary of things like hosting out-of-town female friends at his place. I reassured him that such things are fine, and that this is a problem that I need to work on, and not something he should sacrifice his social life for. He has been patient, but seems not to comprehend why I can't just trust. As much as I have tried to make him understand that it has to do with me and not so much how I perceive him, he thinks that he is being unfairly treated despite having done nothing to lose my trust. As of just this past sunday he said he wanted to see the "happy [me]" again.
We have been going out for 7 months now, and I am afraid that this will go down in the fashion that my previous two relationships did. I have just started seeing a counselor for the first time of my life because I see that my jealousy issues have been the one problem in all of my relationships. I am able, in calmer times, to take a step back from it all and see that I just need to relax and enjoy my time with someone I like, but the crazy thoughts just come out anyway at the worst times. Drinking is a factor, and I will cut down on it as well. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I am being mindful of my bad behavior and it will be a long-term ongoing process before I am rid of my jealousy. I am sincere in my desire to change, but I understand that I can't convince him of this until I prove myself in the long run. But does he deserve sticking around this crazy sad me for the time being?
Anyway, I guess to come back to my original question, should I hold the hope that we will get to a better place again, despite all that has happened between us in the past month? We have only gone out for not even a year, and I see everywhere (esp. on this site) that relationships shouldn't be this much trouble. On the other hand, we have just discussed details on a vacation that we will be taking in 2 months, so it seems that we still have a chance. But then I could be very subjective. I would appreciate some third-person perspective. Thank you.