Freaking out after failing comprehensive exams
August 12, 2013 5:05 PM   Subscribe

I am a grad student in the sciences, and I just found out today that I did not pass my comprehensive exams. My mental health is deteriorating from all of this stress, and I really want out. How can I do this?

This hasn’t been my first struggle in grad school. I took a few mandatory-for-the-degree classes last year that weren’t closely related to my undergrad background in mathematics, and I had to retake them. I retook those classes and passed them last semester, but the feeling of shame and inadequacy have continued to linger. These feelings are particularly stinging me today after learning that I failed my comps.

I really want to get out, but I don’t know how I can put a positive spin on my experiences. I have been in grad school for the past two years working towards my masters degree, and I’ve made great progress on my research.

I’m not very confident in my abilities to retake my comps and pass them the second time around, and I’m also not sure if it’s even worth it (sunk cost fallacy). I get one additional chance to retake my comps, but I don't think I can handle the stress. I’ve taken out 12 grand in unsubsidized federal student loans to supplement my stipend since I started grad school, but I don’t have any student loan debt from undergrad. I am in my early twenties, and have no familial means of supporting myself (former foster youth). What would you do in my situation? I have loads of experience with MATLAB and Excel, and have dabbled in GIS and scripting languages like Python and Perl. How can I make this work without an advanced degree and without any lengthy work experience outside of the ivory towers? Could I just drop out, and find enough work through a temp agency to where I could pay my rent and student loans for a few months? How would I make it into a job related to my skill set? Should I be asking my academic advisor these sorts of questions when I meet with him next week? How can I frame my question so that I don’t burn my bridges here? I would hope to be leaving grad school to find myself in a better situation than when I started. I am not interested in freelance tutoring.

Further complications: I was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and have been taking stimulant medication regularly since then. While I have been more productive on meds, I have also experienced significant anxiety and mood swings.

If you have some advice that would be better suited for private discourse, let me know to send you MeMail. Also, in case it matters, I am located in the state of North Carolina.
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (10 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Does your doctor know that the ADHD stimulant medication is causing extra anxiety and mood swings? I have the same side effects on stimulants. That, combined with depression, meant that I had to add a second drug to the mix, Lamictal.

Last year, I tried work + commute + Trig class. I was doing OK in the class until the anxiety overwhelmed me, and I had to take a Medical Withdrawl. Hence, a visit to the doctor, and the addition of the Lamictal.

YMMV, of course, but it was a lifesaver for me.
posted by spinifex23 at 5:19 PM on August 12, 2013


I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Grad school is hard enough as it is.

I am not in the science, so ymmv, but I think

1) What does your advisor/supervisor think? Are they supportive of you and show that they believe you can do the work? For me, what they think will sway my decision greatly in terms of staying or leaving. If staying, is it possible to take a year off? I know of many people who took a year off and came back and just dominated. Even the best of us get caught up with life in the middle of PhD, and sometimes a little time off to regroup and take care of these other things is really helpful.

But if your advisor is not in support of you staying, I'd leave.

2) Don't feel ashamed. More people fail than you know. Most don't advertise. I mean, it's a totally legit reaction, but try to not let that get to you.
posted by redwaterman at 5:20 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


Most important advice: Don't make any radical changes to your life until you have some time to think about what just happened. Failing your comprehensive exams happens. In fact, it even happens with students that are doing comparatively well academically. Your program should make it very obvious if they think you will not successfully complete the program. Failing comprehensive exams is absolutely not that indication. If your research is going well, you are doing better than quite a few grad students. You might even find out that some people would prefer to have your situation than the more common situation of doing well academically but not progressing on research. The thing about comprehensive exams is that they are a formality more than anything. No one will care that you failed your first go at the exams after you graduate. In fact, I think you'll find that no one cares about the exams the moment you pass them on the second go.

Less important advice: I have a feeling that because you have an undergraduate degree in a field slightly less than desired by the market and can't imminently identify an area that you'd be employable in, your job prospects are not great. Further, I suspect that for however bad working in your graduate program is, you'll be worse off without the supportive framework of your graduate program and without an income. For however bad you think your scenario is, it'll be worse to find that you have literally nothing out there for you to pursue.

What would you do in my situation?

I don't normally recommend this, but I'd continue in your program. It doesn't sound like you're accumulating that much debt. Further, you can always look for job opportunities while your pursue your master's degree - the two options are not mutually exclusive. You may have to drop out between quarters to pursue a job, but you will absolutely not be the first person that does so. Most importantly, you will either end up with a degree or a job option. Both of those are useful. Dropping out is not useful; you will have neither a job option nor a degree.
posted by saeculorum at 5:22 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]


I feel ya. I too failed one of my comps, and took a medical leave of absence from grad school because of depression. During the year I took off, I did indeed temp, and was placed at an organization that did work in an entirely unrelated field. I loved it. I re-took my exam, passed it, did my thesis research and then wrote and defended the thesis. 11 years later, I am quite successful in my new field and have not looked back. UNC-Chapel Hill, btw. It's a boon to me that I have a master's degree, and it matters not a whit that it's the wrong one. Hang in there.
posted by Stewriffic at 5:24 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]


I am really sorry to hear you are struggling. You do have skills that will get you places.

I know several people who failed science and engineering comps, left, and thrived right out the door. Retaking science comps was a big deal and I know only a few people who did it.

What you should do right now is hard to say without knowing how your school works, so use its resources. Go to the Student Health Center to consider your options and to vent about your faculty with someone familiar with your institution. Then talk to the departmental Director of Graduate Studies. If you can do that first, that's even better because that way you will know your options concerning staying and retaking exams. I'd email the DGS to get his/her story in writing. You want to know what's going on and what the policy is. Next visit the Career Center website and in person. And contact Financial Aid to see how the comps situation affects your eligibility for future student loans.

There were several times that I considered leaving graduate school. I am good at research so people convinced me not to quit. In retrospect I wish I had. Quitting is so stigmatized, but employers won't care about comps. They will care about Python and all those other great skills you have. You tell them that you spent a year or two after graduating in a MS program doing research and acquiring skills that you can use on the job. That's all you have to say.

Try to be kind to yourself over the next few days.
posted by vincele at 6:15 PM on August 12, 2013


Know that you will be just FINE. It may not feel like it right now, but you will be!

You want to know why? Because the whole ivory tower thing is not close to as grand as the faculty present it to be. So not having made it in your comps won't kill you. As hard as it may be to hear this right now, that might actually be a good thing. Unfortunately these things are something we can only see in retrospect.

I have also known PhD students who "failed" comps but in their case it was a twisted departmental system where they almost failed some people just for the heck of it, and depending on whose lab they were in (unpopular PI). All passed the second time round because they would have passed the first time if the faculty let them. Take home message from this- comps are not always as straightforward as we think they are. Its hard to be in that situation and it definitely helps if you can solicit advice from those in the department who are supportive and some who have walked down the road recently. That said, you will be fine.

If you just found out about this today, its kind of early to be seeking logical solutions. You need a break! I am sure you must feel completely shot down right now, and its not unlike the aftermath of any other loss that we experience. Point is, its likely you are going through a lot right now so you may want to gather the best resources you have personally and professionally.

You are a student so you should have free counseling available to you. I'd use that for venting in the least. Weekly purging. Why? Because friends as awesome as they are tend to say awful things at the worst time. While you cannot avoid it, having a professional tell you things objectively can be very valuable. You also need to discuss the side effects of meds with your doctor- and I hope this is a specialist you are seeing and not just the regular student health physician.

I would also urge you to go slow with talks with your mentor. Don't ask him point blank yes or no kind of questions that put both of you in a spot. While you discuss the next steps with the mentor, I would strongly urge you to also see your committee members in person and discuss the same with them as long as you are sure they are supportive and good people. No point asking members who are well known jerks. In the meantime, I would make it a point to set up time with the univ career services and explore ALL your career options at this stage, if you complete your Masters and in case you don't. And I would keep up with the career services.

Finally, know that this is not the end of the world. If you need to talk or vent or anything then feel free to mail me. In the meantime, please be very kind to yourself, take good care (diet, exercise and sleep), do your best and leave the rest to the universe.
posted by xm at 7:38 PM on August 12, 2013


Do you know any older students in your program who successfully passed comps on a second attempt? It might be worth talking to them about their experiences if so.
posted by nat at 11:03 PM on August 12, 2013


Not sure if this is helpful, but I'd talk to an adviser, the professor, department chair, whoever. Get a sense of the work that would lie ahead to pass and how far off you are.

I suspect there are jobs out there for you, but I also suspect that interning and getting some office experience somewhere would help a lot. I guess while you mull over your decision to quit graduate school, you could apply to jobs. If you get one that pays well and has career growth opportunity, then the decision to quit probably becomes easier. If you can't, then you might realize you should make a way to make graduate school work.

In general, I think everything seems worse than it actually is for you right now. Try to relax. Things will work out.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:37 PM on August 12, 2013


Nth the fact that it will be ok.
We've all had major stumbles (I dropped out of my first grad program) but that does not mean that we will not be successful.

IANYPsychiatrist, but there are non-stimulant meds for ADHD that you could ask about.
Having made it to grad school in the sciences with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD shows that you have a lot of intelligence and skill. Your trajectory will only improve, because you are developing new skills for managing ADHD and anxiety, and the results of the comprehensive exams merely give you more knowledge about the tests, and the areas where you are strong and where you need improvement.

The path of completing your degree, and the path of leaving academia and having a different yet equally fulfilling and valued career are both still very open and available to you. Echoing what saeculorum said, you don't need to and should not make any decisions about that right now anyway.
posted by neutralmojo at 7:31 AM on August 13, 2013


To pick out just one bit of good advice from above - what saeculorum said is absolutely true:

If your research is going well, you are doing better than quite a few grad students. You might even find out that some people would prefer to have your situation than the more common situation of doing well academically but not progressing on research.
posted by RedOrGreen at 12:02 PM on August 13, 2013


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