Is this limerence? Because it sucks.
August 10, 2013 10:02 AM Subscribe
Whenever I get into a romantic/sexual relationship I always start feeling obsessive. I am totally sick of it because when it kicks in, it completely obscures what's really going on in the relationship, whether good or bad.
I recently started dating someone I've known for years as a friend. You'd think it wouldn't show up in this kind of situation, and for a while I was really pleased that it hadn't. But now that things have gotten more intimate, I think about her all of the time. I parse what she texts to see if she still likes me. I am ridiculously aware of her moods and if they are anything but completely positive I wonder if it's me. If she says she had a crappy day or a restless night's sleep I reflexively worry about whether she's about to dump me. If we have lovely lovely sex and if she doesn't say "what lovely sex we had!" the next day I feel uneasy. It's nuts! It's way too early to have a relationship talk. I want to just enjoy myself, enjoy her, and see where things go in an easy, normal, relaxed way. Is there any hope? I am sick of being this way! Short-term solutions would be especially appreciated. (If you're going to recommend therapy, please be specific about the approach your therapist took with *this* type of problem. I've been in therapy before and a generic "get therapy" suggestion is not the answer I'm looking for.)
I recently started dating someone I've known for years as a friend. You'd think it wouldn't show up in this kind of situation, and for a while I was really pleased that it hadn't. But now that things have gotten more intimate, I think about her all of the time. I parse what she texts to see if she still likes me. I am ridiculously aware of her moods and if they are anything but completely positive I wonder if it's me. If she says she had a crappy day or a restless night's sleep I reflexively worry about whether she's about to dump me. If we have lovely lovely sex and if she doesn't say "what lovely sex we had!" the next day I feel uneasy. It's nuts! It's way too early to have a relationship talk. I want to just enjoy myself, enjoy her, and see where things go in an easy, normal, relaxed way. Is there any hope? I am sick of being this way! Short-term solutions would be especially appreciated. (If you're going to recommend therapy, please be specific about the approach your therapist took with *this* type of problem. I've been in therapy before and a generic "get therapy" suggestion is not the answer I'm looking for.)
Seconded something else to do. Start learning a new language and force yourself to change your thoughts about her from English to (insert language here) so at least the thoughts are productive. Take up a new hobby that takes at least an hour a day of your concentration.
Basically, what Lyn Never said.
posted by skittlekicks at 10:20 AM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Basically, what Lyn Never said.
posted by skittlekicks at 10:20 AM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
That sounds to me like not just limerance, but limerance plus high social anxiety or some sort of intense pessimism or something.
I mean, it's normal to be constantly thinking about a new partner. But then there's a whole lot of different things you can be thinking about that new partner. For some people it's 100% "This is awesome things will be wonderful we have a beautiful future together ZOMG marriage and babies" and for some people it's 100% "Oh fuck I've gone and screwed this up and she hates me and it's all going to come crashing down any minute now," and for some people it's a mixture of the two. It sounds like you're way the hell over at the pessimistic end of things, and like that's maybe part of why this is so awful for you.
My own take is that it's healthiest to be at the middle of the spectrum if you've gotta be on it somewhere. Full-time pessimistic romantic obsession is really really unpleasant and upsetting, and can lead you to do dumb or self-sabotaging things. Full-time optimistic romantic obsession is really fun, but unfortunately it's fun the way cocaine or the manic phase of untreated bipolar is fun, and it can also lead to some really stupid behavior. Striking a balance between the two is a way of keeping a more-or-less even keel in the middle of the emotional/psychological/hormonal storm.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 10:36 AM on August 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
I mean, it's normal to be constantly thinking about a new partner. But then there's a whole lot of different things you can be thinking about that new partner. For some people it's 100% "This is awesome things will be wonderful we have a beautiful future together ZOMG marriage and babies" and for some people it's 100% "Oh fuck I've gone and screwed this up and she hates me and it's all going to come crashing down any minute now," and for some people it's a mixture of the two. It sounds like you're way the hell over at the pessimistic end of things, and like that's maybe part of why this is so awful for you.
My own take is that it's healthiest to be at the middle of the spectrum if you've gotta be on it somewhere. Full-time pessimistic romantic obsession is really really unpleasant and upsetting, and can lead you to do dumb or self-sabotaging things. Full-time optimistic romantic obsession is really fun, but unfortunately it's fun the way cocaine or the manic phase of untreated bipolar is fun, and it can also lead to some really stupid behavior. Striking a balance between the two is a way of keeping a more-or-less even keel in the middle of the emotional/psychological/hormonal storm.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 10:36 AM on August 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
It doesn't seem like limerance or society anxiety to me, but rather garden variety "all or nothing" thinking. Read about it in "The Feeling Good Handbook," often recommended here on Metafilter.
When I find this happening to me, I just say to myself, "stop. That's all or nothing thinking." Then I distract myself with some of the suggestions here (watching TV, etc.), and it seems to help.
posted by Melismata at 11:00 AM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
When I find this happening to me, I just say to myself, "stop. That's all or nothing thinking." Then I distract myself with some of the suggestions here (watching TV, etc.), and it seems to help.
posted by Melismata at 11:00 AM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
Hey cool, you like her. You've known her for a long time and now you're having sex; she likes you. Now, let her like you. Go ride a bike. Hang out with your friends without her (and without talking constantly about her). You've had a piece fall into place, don't throw away the rest of the puzzle by pushing her away. Do pushups every single time you think she doesn't like you, until she tells you she doesn't like you, which may never happen.
posted by rhizome at 11:12 AM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 11:12 AM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
I am ridiculously aware of her moods and if they are anything but completely positive I wonder if it's me.
This is how you know it's more than limerence. Her great moods don't reassure you because they have nothing to do with you. But her crap moods worry you because you suck/you've done something wrong/she doesn't like you.
The thing is, when you fill in the blanks for her & attribute feelings to her, you take away her ability to communicate her feelings to you. Trust her. If you wonder about something, ask her and take her at her word.
posted by headnsouth at 11:56 AM on August 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
This is how you know it's more than limerence. Her great moods don't reassure you because they have nothing to do with you. But her crap moods worry you because you suck/you've done something wrong/she doesn't like you.
The thing is, when you fill in the blanks for her & attribute feelings to her, you take away her ability to communicate her feelings to you. Trust her. If you wonder about something, ask her and take her at her word.
posted by headnsouth at 11:56 AM on August 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
Yessir. Compounded by the fact that you knew them as a friend beforehand. I always dated people that I had known awhile and by the time we got around to being romantic I was so tied up in the fantasy that I freaked out. It wasn't until I did online, low-expectations-style dating that I was finally able to approach a relationship without this kind of paranoid, intense, lovestruck anxiety. Widen your pool!
posted by GilloD at 12:43 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by GilloD at 12:43 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, like headnsouth said, for me this problem was best approached as a matter of trust. She has told you she really cares about you. To fret that she doesn't suggests that she was somehow wrong or lying or something, and that's a rude thing to suggest. Trust her.
posted by TheRedArmy at 2:32 PM on August 10, 2013
posted by TheRedArmy at 2:32 PM on August 10, 2013
I can relate to this quite a bit, and it's something I've had to work out through some counseling. That is, I've had a hard time feeling secure in relationships that the rug isn't going to get pulled out from under me; so I've been a bit compulsive about preempting that possibility by trying to read all the signs and tea leaves of the relationship, either so I can be aware of potential future pain that was most likely coming, or so that I could do something to protect or save the relationship, via my efforts. It would often reveal itself by me pretty regularly taking the emotional temperature of our relationship: "Are you okay, babe? Everything alright? Things don't quite seem okay." Boy howdy, did this drive my wife nuts, in part because she likes to keep her emotions to herself and not share as much, which seemed like emotional distancing to me, and dangerous.
Here are a few realizations that have helped me a lot:
1. A lot of this stems from my childhood and not getting clear signals that things were emotionally okay in my primary relationships. This caused me to be hyper-vigilant in reading the signs, whether my mom still loved me, if I was doing anything that was perhaps making her angry, etc. That wasn't a healthy thing to need to do as a child, but it was in part a survival mechanism that helped me cope with things not being right (my mom grew up as the daughter of an alcoholic and his enabler, which characteristically can lead to some emotional distancing, which I honed in on). What was a revelation to me as I talked this through is that this isn't an adult way to handle relationships. I had to set childish things behind me, even though they could be (perhaps) justified in the mind of an uncertain 5 years old child.
2. Setting childish things behind me (see #1) was in part realizing how adult relationships should now be defined. They are not defined by one person needing to be responsible for the happiness of the other. You have no responsibility, by yourself, to tend to the happiness of the other such that they are wooed into staying in the relationship. Although you should love the other person to the best of your ability, you are allowed (morally and emotionally) to let go of the responsibility to keep them there. Part of what made me hold on to these emotional patterns was some sort of moral notion that if I didn't tend constantly to things and be hyper-vigilant, I would be neglecting a responsibility and would share in the reason for the downfall. Nope, not right. We have to tend to things, but not in the way that I was. We can leave a whole lot of responsibility in the hands of the other to tend to their relationship needs and their own happiness.
3. Doing this, in part, is about trusting the other person to be an adult and to be working through their own stuff. If they have needs, they need to be expressing them so you don't have to be guessing all the time. Again, though, it's not your responsibility to tease that out of them if are having their own problems. Let them have their stuff, you deal with your stuff, and no one should be a mind reader.
4. If any aspect of your relationship requires mind reading to get along, there's something wrong, and the responsibility doesn't default to you alone to figure out what that is. It requires, by definition, more communication in the relationship.
5. This leads, then, to how important it is to evaluate the health of your relationship in terms of communication, not whether you are constantly winning someone over such that they don't leave you. In my relationship, as I expressed these particular concerns to my wife, one of the things that she was able to do was put my mind at ease regarding whether she had plans to leave, if things weren't quite right. Part of our regular communication is now about her giving me words of affirmation in ways that are helpful for me (I enjoy this more than any other expression of love, anyway, so it probably explains some of the reassurance I was often looking for). Is some of this rooted in childhood dysfunction? Perhaps. And I try not to be so needy that it's unattractive (because there is a point in which too much worry or neediness is a genuine character flaw). But I will say that good communication is being able to express some of these things inside of ourselves that are messed up, and figuring out what that means for the relationship, and if there's anything that the other can do or say to help ease our burden a bit. But, we worry about getting all of that out there, although it's part of what defines emotional intimacy.
If I had more time, I would have detailed the above a bit better, but you story resonated with mine, so I thought I'd just share a few things that may be helpful. Good luck!
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:53 PM on August 10, 2013 [34 favorites]
Here are a few realizations that have helped me a lot:
1. A lot of this stems from my childhood and not getting clear signals that things were emotionally okay in my primary relationships. This caused me to be hyper-vigilant in reading the signs, whether my mom still loved me, if I was doing anything that was perhaps making her angry, etc. That wasn't a healthy thing to need to do as a child, but it was in part a survival mechanism that helped me cope with things not being right (my mom grew up as the daughter of an alcoholic and his enabler, which characteristically can lead to some emotional distancing, which I honed in on). What was a revelation to me as I talked this through is that this isn't an adult way to handle relationships. I had to set childish things behind me, even though they could be (perhaps) justified in the mind of an uncertain 5 years old child.
2. Setting childish things behind me (see #1) was in part realizing how adult relationships should now be defined. They are not defined by one person needing to be responsible for the happiness of the other. You have no responsibility, by yourself, to tend to the happiness of the other such that they are wooed into staying in the relationship. Although you should love the other person to the best of your ability, you are allowed (morally and emotionally) to let go of the responsibility to keep them there. Part of what made me hold on to these emotional patterns was some sort of moral notion that if I didn't tend constantly to things and be hyper-vigilant, I would be neglecting a responsibility and would share in the reason for the downfall. Nope, not right. We have to tend to things, but not in the way that I was. We can leave a whole lot of responsibility in the hands of the other to tend to their relationship needs and their own happiness.
3. Doing this, in part, is about trusting the other person to be an adult and to be working through their own stuff. If they have needs, they need to be expressing them so you don't have to be guessing all the time. Again, though, it's not your responsibility to tease that out of them if are having their own problems. Let them have their stuff, you deal with your stuff, and no one should be a mind reader.
4. If any aspect of your relationship requires mind reading to get along, there's something wrong, and the responsibility doesn't default to you alone to figure out what that is. It requires, by definition, more communication in the relationship.
5. This leads, then, to how important it is to evaluate the health of your relationship in terms of communication, not whether you are constantly winning someone over such that they don't leave you. In my relationship, as I expressed these particular concerns to my wife, one of the things that she was able to do was put my mind at ease regarding whether she had plans to leave, if things weren't quite right. Part of our regular communication is now about her giving me words of affirmation in ways that are helpful for me (I enjoy this more than any other expression of love, anyway, so it probably explains some of the reassurance I was often looking for). Is some of this rooted in childhood dysfunction? Perhaps. And I try not to be so needy that it's unattractive (because there is a point in which too much worry or neediness is a genuine character flaw). But I will say that good communication is being able to express some of these things inside of ourselves that are messed up, and figuring out what that means for the relationship, and if there's anything that the other can do or say to help ease our burden a bit. But, we worry about getting all of that out there, although it's part of what defines emotional intimacy.
If I had more time, I would have detailed the above a bit better, but you story resonated with mine, so I thought I'd just share a few things that may be helpful. Good luck!
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:53 PM on August 10, 2013 [34 favorites]
« Older Healthy ways to downsize my appetite | Allied Health for a less-than-perfect specimen Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
It will pass, but in the short term you have to find something else to do. The gym, your most favoritest books, start watching The X-Files from the beginning (double-bonus if you can do this on a treadmill), ask a friend to be your sanity buddy. Commit to a work/school/volunteer project that requires you to be a responsible human being. Go read to people in a nursing home or help coach soccer for five-year-olds. These things will keep you busy and provide perspective.
Not only does this prevent you from just frothing over her non-stop, it makes you much much cooler if you are a person who has a life and responsibilities and is also a caring, involved partner.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:10 AM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]