I am not happy to be using my sock this morning. I hoped it would wither and die unused, but instead it is filled with angst and sadness. Deets: 34yo female, never married, this is my second long term relationship, but first where we have lived together.
Last night, in bed, I turned to my boyfriend and jokingly said "Do you love me?" And then I immediately asked another dumb question that had nothing to do with us (I honestly can't even remember what it was at this point). His response was not a jokey statement back, or even yes.
posted by it's always too late to human relations (35 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
His response was "you always want to have a conversation when it's time to go to bed" (which sadly, I do). Not seeing where this was going, I charged ahead with "You didn't answer the question" in reference to the dumb question. And I still didn't see the ensuing conversation coming until he turned towards me, looked me in the eyes and said "I know I didn't".
Now you all know where this is going - sadly, I had no idea. We have had a rough patch, but I figured that was just it. A rough patch that we'd get through. I love this man. I envision our children. I can honestly say I have never felt this way for anyone else.
During our conversation, I asked him to speak in absolutes - as in this is over, there is nothing that can be done to salvage us. This is because I know how I am, I grasp at tiny little bits of hope, like that last few breaths of fresh air before drowning. So he did that. But there was a point near the end of the talk where he said, he wasn't in love with the me now, but he still remembered falling in love with the me from 3 years ago.
He said he felt like he has been on hold and in a depression with me the past two years, and he can't see a way out other than us being over. And I asked, if I was the same person from 3 years ago, would that change anything. I brought up the fact that I have been un-medicated for a while and he said if that might be a change, then we should try it. He has offered to pay anything that is needed for me to go to a doctor, and get medications.
Backstory - 3 years ago when we first started dating, I was working two jobs. I had great benefits, I had a brand spanking new group of friends that I saw damn near everyday, and I had picked up a new hobby that I was absolutely in love with (that hobby is actually how we met). Then I quit a job (because I was overworked with two full-times), and was laid off from the second less than a year later due to lack of funding. This meant loss of benefits - so my depression meds, gone. I have been able to get several part time jobs between then and now and make enough to pay bills, but not enough to get any kind of health insurance or see a therapist. So I have just been spiraling further and further down. I have trouble getting out of bed, and doing anything. So in order to hold down temp jobs as long as they are available, I have been giving all I had to them and then slipping into funk mode when I get home.
I know that isn't fair, but it's what happened. I chose to give the little energy and happy face-time I had to POS jobs, so my boyfriend wouldn't be responsible for supporting me. I thought that was the best thing to do. He would constantly ask what he could do to help, if I needed money, but I always said no, because I didn't want to feel any worse about myself than I already do.
During this semi-employed time, we moved closer to his job and away from all my friends, and we stopped regular hobby enjoyment as well. So I spend almost all of my "free" time at home with him - watching movies or talking about whatever.
At this point, you are probably wondering why I haven't actually asked any questions. Because there is a twist. There is always a twist. I couldn't sleep after we talked and have been up all night. I wanted to reminisce about when we first met, so I logged in to an old okcupid account that we used to message each other on. I just wanted to get our messages and try to remember what I was actively fighting for if I was going to go see a therapist. His account that he deactivated 3 years ago, is active. He logged on last night, before coming upstairs to go to bed. During our conversation, I asked him if there was anyone else, and he said no. But, his okcupid profile is active. I have no idea how long it has been active. And it has this "I am not looking to date right now. I am already with someone." in the first line. So there's that. But, it seems strange that his account was reactivated.
I am reeling right now in general. And I don't even know how to gain my footing, and I don't even know if the things that have my brain activity currently working overtime are even worth it.
I have several questions I guess.
1) Should I take his offer to go see a doctor and get back on my meds? I genuinely am a different person when on them. I know it. I look back at old interactions and I can't even see how to get back to that person on my own (and it has taken me a year to even admit that to myself - I feel ashamed that I can't be happy on my own without medication, but here I am)
2) Should we have a discussion about the OkCupid account or is that entirely irrelevant at this point?
3) Should I even be trying to salvage this relationship (if I can?)? Please don't just give me a DTMFA here. I wonder if I am the Asshole in this situation. I feel like I got punched in the gut, but I can't help but wonder if he was right to do so.
Please forgive if this is very rambly. I haven't been to sleep in almost 24 hours, and I spent hours agonizing over whether I should even post here. If more information (??) is needed I can respond in thread or through Me-mail. Thank you.