Should I warn my abusive ex's new girlfriend?
August 7, 2013 2:32 PM Subscribe
As I was reading this question
today, I was reminded of my horribly abusive ex-boyfriend, and googled him as I will do every once in a while. (I left him 11 years ago, so it's maybe once or twice a year these days.) Usually I never find anything, but today I found his unblocked Facebook profile, where I quickly found out that he has a live-in girlfriend - and they have a young child together. I've been sick thinking about this, since he did many things while we were together that make me believe he's not a safe person to be around a child.
posted by Neely O'Hara to human relations (46 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I was always uncomfortable with the way he physically interacted with his nieces and nephews - he would continue tickling his 2 year old niece while she cried and begged him to stop, all while he laughed at her distress. He would tell me that if we had children, he wanted to watch hardcore porn with them so he could "show them from their loving father what sex is all about." He tried to get a 15 year old girl with family problems that he met online to move in with us, so he could "protect" her. (He was 33 at the time.) Right before I was able to escape, he confessed to me that as an adolescent, he repeatedly molested his sisters (and sobbed his eyes out to me because in his mind, the story was about how lonely and tragic his adolescence was).
Also, a few years after I left him, he contacted me against my wishes, and when he did so, he left a link to his blog at the time, where I was able to figure out that he was posing as 21 instead of 36, and had been travelling across the country to have sex with a 16 year old high school student. I was incredibly upset about it and worried about her safety, and long story short, was able to find a victim's advocate in her state who informed the sheriff's department. They never successfully pressed charges against him as far as I know, but the sheriff was at least able to inform her parents, who were unaware of his age and his violent past, and were able to intervene.
I realize that this is a different situation now, in that there is no clear legal issue, but I'm still struggling morally. I know that if I were to send a message to his girlfriend, there is very little chance that she would listen. And I suspect that knowing him, he's probably told her some version of events where he did some bad deeds in his past, but he's completely reformed and would never do it again.
But I also can't help but think, what if she doesn't know any of his past? Wouldn't a mother want to know that their child's father has such a history of abuse? Not that she would necessarily even believe it now - but what about if he abuses her or the baby in the future? Wouldn't it help to know what she's dealing with?
I'm not particularly worried about my safety or peace of mind if I did somehow reach out - he was always a total chickenshit who only laid a hand on me once I was under his control. And I'm not motivated by revenge or anger - I have an incredibly happy life now. But all I can think of is how much anguish and torment I went through living with him, and I feel sick to think of that poor baby being raised in that household.
So what do you think - is there ANYTHING I can do in this situation that could possibly help? Or do I just have to cope with the concern for an innocent kid who got stuck with this guy as a dad?